Your post makes me think about my stepmom. No, she didn't plan holidays for us... well, maybe she did and I was too self absorbed to realize it. But, that's not what I'm thinking about. I'm thinking about how my dad told me he wanted to celebrate my Stepmom's 50th birthday and invited all her kids over.... Her oldest one made some excuse why he couldn't come. Her middle one had a blind date that he didn't want to miss so he couldn't come. Her youngest had to work at her pizza delivery job and didn't come. My dad told how hurt she was that her kids never came around unless they were getting something.. ie. gifts at Christmas or THEIR birthdays. Her birthday is in December and the following May, she was in her garden when she collapsed with a brain aneurysm. She never regained consciousness and stayed in a vegetative state for about 11 years. She died a year ago. Her oldest didn't even make it to the funeral. My point is... you never know when it's the last birthday, the last Christmas, the last 'anything' you will have and sometimes we take things for granted or are too self centered. I wish I could relay this to your SK's... that they never know how much time is left for family and when they have a relationship with their parents.. good or bad... they are teaching their own children, by example, how to have a relationship with them when they are grown. They will have children that don't come see them... SS already has children that don't respect him or rules. Very sad.

My opinion: We do our best to raise our children, usually to have it better than we did because we don't want them to suffer or have greater hardship. Sometimes that's a disservice to our children because looking back on my life, which has been hard... very hard at times, it's the hard times and struggles that make me appreciate the little things I enjoy today.

To most people, the holidays are about giving and spending time with family. Give what you WANT. Let your husband give his kids more if he wants, but you are not obligated to plan and organize holidays for nearly middle age adult children. The bottom line is that you and your DH should be in agreement or at least have an understanding about how you are going to approach it.

"Let your husband give his kids more if he wants, but you are not obligated to plan and organize holidays for nearly middle age adult children. The bottom line is that you and your DH should be in agreement or at least have an understanding about how you are going to approach it. "

I agree with this.

I think that you should plan what is right for you and your family. If you go away for Christmas, you could always (if you want!) host a get-together with the SKs after Christmas, or even in early Jan.

My grandma hosts what she calls a "cousins' party" in early January every year. It's for all the extended-extended family (like my mom's first cousins, etc) to get together and celebrate the holidays belatedly. She usually either does it right before the New Year or that first weekend after New Years. It's always nice to see everyone and it's nice to have a party to look forward to after the holiday hubbub.

Hmmm...some kind of gathering not on Christmas could be OK I guess but will still require planning, cooking, shopping etc. If I don't do it, what happens then? This will be the 1st year in 11 years of marriage where I don't plan something. As I said, oftentimes the skids come late or don't show at all but I've always pulled something together.

I just don't want to do that for them this year. I'm wondering what message that will send to them and to DH. DS7 of course, loves his big brother and sister. But, I just don't feel like putting in the work for them this year. I also don't want to start trouble since they are used to deciding "will we or won't we" every year.

Sigh.

You know, lamom, there is nothing wrong with you saying that to SD. I don't blame you in the least for not wanting to host a party/dinner. Maybe you could tell SD that. She is a woman, and I am sure she understands the work that is required when hosting an event at your home. I would suggest to her that you alternate years. Or don't even just suggest that. Tell her you're simply not up to hosting a Christmas/Holiday/Winter get-together. If SHE wants to take the initiative, she can.

Or if DH really wants everyone to get together, nothing wrong with a dinner out! Or HE can plan something.

I think you should take DS and go to your family for thanksgiving, DH can stay with his kids. No, you don't need to sweat over SKs the whole holiday season, you do have your son and the rest of the family to enjoy. do that.

"So, this year will be different. Like most wives, I do all of the family planning, shopping, calling etc. This year I feel that DH should tend to his own and I will do the same."

I find that if you give a man enough 'rope' at holiday time one of two things will happen. Either they do virtually nothing period, or they do virtually nothing until the last minute, then panic and spend a fortune for a bunch of dumb stuff. Will you feel OK if either of these things happens?

As far as big family get togethers go, we have a big open-house-type gathering instead of a formal sit-down, with lots of foods that make good leftovers. That way, if someone shows up late (what's late?) or not at all, it's hardly an inconvenience. And we're able to relax about it, which makes holidays at our house fun all around. I never know when the SKids or cousins or Aunts & Uncles will show up (there are too many blended families!) -- but they always do because (with an open-house) they always can.

Sweeby, LOL, we do our gatherings buffet style and the food is eaten plate on laps now. I stopped setting the table formally after two years of no shows. The pretty table with place settings and the empty seats really underscored their absence. I also bought nice stockings with all of the names embroidered a few years ago and seeing them hanging with the stocking stuffers still in the stockings from the mantle also reinforced their no shows. I bought those to try to establish a tradition with them. I still think they are a nice touch. When they saw the stockings the first year they didn't seem to be able to understand what they were for or whether they should take them home or anything else about them. This falls under the category of the differences between how DS is being raised (and I was raised) and them.

On showing up "on time", well, we do serve the food so it will be hot and the gifts are ready. But if the point is to just relax on whether they come or not, that's what I would have to do to feel ok about inviting them again.

I think it is extremelly rude not to show up. if they canot make it they must tell you ahead of time. how could people just not show up?

but then again SO's DDs do that. one year they went to moms for thanksgiving dinner and said they will be back at 8PM for dessert (we bought dessert), they even called at 7Pm and said we will be there at 8Pm. we were at my aunts for dinner, so we packed and drove home to be there at 8PM. DDs never showed up until next day noon, and never apologized.

But then their mother does that too. Once BM said she will be to pick DD28 up at 5PM to go out. DD sat all dressed up and mom never showed up and never answered the cell phone. next day she said she was too busy. wtf?

i guess it is somewhat typical in some families. i cannot imagine anyone in my family doing it. my brother is often late, but not showing up? cannot imagine...

Interesting development with the SKIDS and Thanksgiving. I'm not the only one they blow off, they blow off each other! SD36 came by the house yesterday and told us that SS30 has decided not to attend her Thanksgiving dinner. She is hurt and really disappointed that the stepgrands, her nephews, will not be there. Her mother, BM, apparently called her son, SS and read him the riot act! Go BM!! SS30, trifiling as ever, said that unless his gf is there, and she does not plan to come either, it won't be fun for him because there won't be anyone to watch SGS2 1/2! Meaning unless someone else picks them up (they live in the desert), drives them there, babysits his kids while he relaxes and imbibes, they won't be there! SD36 is hurt and boy, could I identify. She recommended that we NOT make any of our Christmas plans around them at all and that she is probably going to ship the kids presents to them! Now we all live in the same very large county, so to me a lot of this is ridiculous.

However, I will take SD36 advice and plan them out of Christmas. Not sure what to do about gifts for the kids, but the lazy parents are really doing a disservice to them. Now their favorite aunt, SD36 the one who takes them places, buys them LOTS of things, kicks in money is PO'd. I just said that I thought we all should rise above their immaturity. DH and SD weren't having any of that "let's rise above it" rhetoric!

So, it looks like Christmas just got a lot easier.

No matter what though, when the dust settles, SS30 and his babymama GF will pointing the finger as to how they are unloved and have been done wrong! But this year, the fingers won't be exclusively pointed at me.

Yeah -- It's such a drag having to watch your own kids -- escpecially when they act like little monsters...

My opinion is that these SKs are in their 30s, and they should be inviting you to holiday dinners. Or taking turns at least.

I have no problem with hosting dinners for my adult kids because it is a give and take arrangement. We invite, and host/pay for dinner. Then some time later they invite, and host/pay for dinner. My kids are in their early 20s.

The SKs, late 20s, however expect us to invite, host/pay. They have not invited, hosted/paid for anything for us since I have known my husband (with the exception of 1 homecooked dinner 2 1/2 years ago). They take, and don't give back. It is a leech situation.

No matter how nice the invitation, dinner, or whatever, two of them whine that they have always been neglected by their Dad! It's never good enough.

I have totally given up trying to please SDs!

OMG mom23step23, Thank you! "No matter how nice the invitation, dinner, or whatever, two of them whine that they have always been neglected by their Dad! It's never good enough."

One of my Skids, SD36, has hosted things including Thanksgiving. DS7 and I usually travel for thanksgiving plus I found out some years ago that we weren't really welcome since BM is there sometimes, so we've only attended once but she has at least done that once for us. Even that was controversial but she has tried a little bit to be giving.

SS30 and his SO32, have done absolutely nothing! Not only have they done absolutely nothing for us, they don't do anything for anyone else either including BM who still insists on keeping them afloat financially. As it relates to holidays, they have never invited us, offered to bring a dish or contribute anything other than appetites, an expectation of gifts and lots of whining on how no one loves or respects them, DH in particular.

Thank you!!!

"The SKs, late 20s, however expect us to invite, host/pay. They have not invited, hosted/paid for anything for us since I have known my husband (with the exception of 1 homecooked dinner 2 1/2 years ago). They take, and don't give back. It is a leech situation.

No matter how nice the invitation, dinner, or whatever, two of them whine that they have always been neglected by their Dad! It's never good enough."

Yup, sadly that's a lot like my experince too. Got out of TG since S kids were hunting. Not sure what will happen with xmas, I will go to see my son if I can get the time off work, otherwise the holidays could be an issue here.

This is why I think it's best(for me anyway)to travel during the holidays. A built in excuse to not have to deal with all the drama and uncomfortable feelings on what should be a relaxing holiday.

~Cat

All,

I had an interesting conversation with SD36 about SS30 and his GF, babymama to the stepgrandkids. She volunteered that when he, his GF and their kids, sgkids now 8 1/2 and 3 1/2 go to holiday family gatherings with her family, meaning BM's family, that they feel as though no one likes them! The irony is too funny. Apparently at BM's family gatherings there is a lot of teasing and joking and SS30 and GF can't take it. Snort.

These conversations, plus what I've read on this board during the year have helped me to not take so much of what they do, or really, don't do so personally. Well...until next time...

According to SD36 ( yes her motives are worth considering) SS and his GF hsve complained behind my back about a number of gifts I've given their kids: make your own volcano kit for then 8 year old, the toddler ate the baking soda for the lava, parents called Centers for Disease Control, blamed me for poisoning him, not themselves for not supervising him. The net result, a big present in his diaper the next day. Given them clothes, said clothes look too much like DS's (have to raise hand on this.) So bought them navy/black/grey etc. Complained that clothes weren't as nice as DS's. Can't win. Final episode, bought then 7+ sgkid a bike with training wheels since he couldn't ride a bike. (Yes, I did not consider his pride enough.) He rode the bike a few times, declared he hated it and training wheels and wanted a scooter. SS told me this in an effort to get a scooter plus the bike. Told me to come get the bike. I got mad, drove to their apartment, had him put the bike in my car calling his silly bluff. I gave the bike to a painter in a barter arrangement, did not buy the scooter.

Gimme a break. How many pina coladas would all of this have bought?

Wow, to complain about gifts received is just so ungrateful, and I'll say it-Tacky with a capital T.

I wouldn't even bother, just let DH handle their gifts or give them cash, that's probably what they would be most happy with anyhow. Don't feel bad the last 3 yrs SS has given us a printed out list of things from Amazon that he would like us to buy him & GS, and they aren't inexpensive gifts either. You'd think financially devestating his father would be enough, but no.

I have pretty much checked out of the holidays this year and am leaving DH to it with his kids.

They could care less about me so after 10 yrs I'm done pretending. Hope everyone elses Holidays are meaningful and blessed (&drama free!).
-Cat

Cat,

I had to chuckle, when SS30's GF was pregnant with sgkid #2, she made a long and expensive list of gifts from Amazon as well. Of course, supposedly they could barely feed and clothe the first kid but that's another story. A color TV baby monitor stands out in my mind. Stuff we did not have or really want for DS when he was a baby.

SS sent me some weird text messages today saying that he doesn't want to celebrate the holidays for a few years because he's unhappy with his life. But, his bad kids are available. Whoopee!

Oh geez, that's a tempting offer-NOT!

I'm betting he changes his tune the closer it gets to Christmas.I was really apalled the first year we got that list, the following years just disgusted. Even DH was a bit taken aback by it. Needless to say we did not shop from the list, which included presents for his live in GF & her kid that we were supporting!

It's not surprising that I really do not enjoy the holidays to much anymore. DS is away and I can't make the travel plans work this year in time for christmas. I'm so bummed to not be with my son for his BD & Christmas.

-Cat

Cat and all,

SS30 sent me some strange text messages a couple of weeks ago talking about being depressed about his situation (living with GF's sister and her two kids, plus HIS two kids in GF's sister's subsidized apartment), not working, the usual. Said in his text messages that he would not be celebrating the holidays for a few years.

Well, now there has been a change, SS30 wants to bring his kids the day after Xmas presumably for their gifts. So sad. i have decided not to buy gifts although I did get one cute little outfit for the toddler on sale. Letting DH handle.

Usually this flakey stuff makes me angry. This time I feel sorry for SS30, 30 and still so adrift and compassion for those poor two kids of his.

Anyway, this gathering is to be at SD36's home not mine! Yay

"Anyway, this gathering is to be at SD36's home not mine! Yay"

I hear that! I am DREADING the upcoming holiday. I have done my shopping for DH, DS & my family but have left the Skids up to DH, so we are going today to take care of it. He is thinknig gift cards fine by me. SS already texted DH last night that he has no money to buy anyone gifts (surpise!), what else is new?

I still have no idea what they have planned for a get together but can tell you I will absolutely not go over to the old house again as long as I live. So they will have to come here for a few hours sometime over the weekend or DH can take them their gifts. Whatever way it shakes out is fine by me, especially the latter since it's about the gimmee anyway.

I don't feel sorry for GS in my situation cause he never wants for anything and has every toy/video game imanginable at 5 yr.s old. He also has a new temporary live in "mommy" now too. Yes, my DH is helping to support her too now, whoever she is. Nice. Ho, Ho, Ho...Merry Christmas..

~Cat

Went with DH to shop 4 his kids & GS, went ok we did well just pressies for GS, he is giving his kids $$. Interestingly we stopped at a store for a gift for my DS a particular item I was looking for in used but good condition because its to much new. Well they had one so I was going to get it since DS is also a Xmas baby so I do give him a little extra. DH insisted on paying for it. I said no, but he insisted. I can't tell you how uncomfortable this made me.

I'm sure he was just wanting to help, but after all that's gone down, well It makes me fell obligated to him & that's not how I want to feel at all.

What have your plans turned out to be? Sorry for hijacking. Skids & Gs coming Sat for brunch & gifts. We also got a little something for SS's new live in GF (yes another one)since DH said we should. I am going to try really hard to just be gracious and get through it.I will be so glad when the holidays are over.

-Cat

Cat,

Don't feel hijacked, I feel enlightened. Well, for Christmas, to my way of thinking we have no plans. Just DH, DS7 and me. I had talked about even going out to dinner to keep the stress level down, now DH wants to put together something at home. I'm just letting him go with whatever.

SS30 and the Sgkids, 8 1/2 and 2 1/2 are supposed to be coming to SD36 home to get gifts and spend time the day after Christmas. Interestingly, DH doesn't seem all that interested in seeing his own brood. He's talking about a holiday party that evening with a distant relative and another affair the following day. Sigh, I don't understand and am tired of trying. They all need to grow up as far as I'm concerned, DH first.

I broke down and got a small gift for each of the grandkids. Trust me, they are small compared to the swag of yesteryear. I've told DH that he needs to shop and plan for them as I am not doing it. It doesn't seem to register. At least there will be a couple of items with their names on them, courtesy of me.

I've been invited to a couple of friends homes for pop calls on Christmas and I plan to pack up DS7 to do that after we open gifts. Sitting around the house with just the 3 of us because DH is mad, whatever, with his adult son is just not OK.

Lamon, that is good that you have friends to drop in on with your DS on Christmas!! Try to get your DH to come too maybe, because don't you find that most "tempermental" DHs behave nicely when out in public? lol I hope you guys have a great day and that all goes smoothly and you have lots of fun!! -going to bathe this stinky dog now so she smells "Christmasy" and not "stanky"!!! :D

Oh the going visiting sounds like a great idea & your DS would enjoy too I bet ;o)

I have to laugh LA cause everytime I think it can't possibly get any more ridiculous it does. DH texted me at wk this afternoon how would I feel about going over there (our old house) instead.
I responded, not for me but I had no problem with (and in fact it would be a relief)him packing up the gifts and going. He said he wouldn't go without me, however SS's new GF had to work later in the day & might not be able to come over or stay (I care why?).

I encouraged him again to go along with stating nicely that it would probably be more comfortable for everyone,so please do.

No response, I wonder if I'll get the silent treatment now. Honestly I thought, once again he is more concerned with putting out a girl his son is messing around with rather than me his wife. One more nail in the coffin.

I would be very pleased to spend the weekend reading & relaxing. Or like you dropping in on freinds and spending the holidays with those that really care about me.

-Cat

catlettuce, so now he worries about his son's new GF. LOL

I suggest you travel to your parents or your son (if you recovered from surgery) for a New Year. Unless you have to work or can't walk due to a surgery, go to them, don't stay home with DH and listen to BS. In fact I wish we live in the same area, then you can just come over. We'd have more fun than being someone else's priority # 25.

Cat,

I'm with FineDreams. Go do something else with someone else. What does he expect? Sheesh.

All,

Because of the silly hard feelings between SS30 and DH, my little family has been left with nothing to do today, Christmas. (hence my having the time to post here today.) The adult skids decided that they will gather tomorrow at SD36's home. We are invited to a friend's home in the burbs tonight and I will go out there alone just to be around normal people having a normal Christmas!

At first I was pleased that I would not be expected to cook, clean, etc. DS and I called SS and his family to wish him Merry Christmas. DH would not participate, that's how dumb it's gotten. Anyway, we wished GF and the sgkids Merry Christmas. However, SS30 would not "wake up" to take my call!!!

Then, SGS 8 1/2 announced that he got a bike for Christmas. A bike??!! I gave him a bike for Xmas before, he said he hated it, SS30 tried to get me to exchange it for a scooter instead. I went out, got the bike, and gave it to a painter in exchange for some work. Now the kid who hates bikes has another one??!! I guess it depends on from whom the bike comes from, I was flabbergasted when he told me about this 2nd bike.

I know I am probably being too sensitive but fooling around with my husbands family just ruins things for me. Yes, I know, I want them to do things my way. But, I don't feel like spending the day AFTER Christmas, which for me has No Meaning at all with them in a situation which usually makes me feel like an outsider.

My Skids are making me feel like the Step and I don't like the feeling. I would rather see my friends, see a movie or pick my toes.

I hear ya. Wouldn't wake up to take your call? Nice. I don't think my Skids would take my calls either, at least they haven't for years and I stopped trying.

I hope your DS & you did indeed go visiting and such. It's a shame your DH let it all ruin his holiday, and by proxy affect yours.

I've felt like an outsider my entire marriage and really they only have minimal contact with me if they want something and even then they ask DH to ask me.

I just don't like the Fake family Christmas-but I'll deal for a couple of hours for GS's sake. But that's it.

So, what did you end up doing and did your DS have fun & enjoy his day??

~Cat

Cat,

We opened gifts once DS7 woke up, the three of us. I splurged and bought him an expensive electric train set that DH and I didn't decide to give him until 6:30 in the morning. So glad I broke down and gave it to him, he LOVED it. The morning was spent putting together the train set and the remote control boat (DS is in to vehicles.)

My family mostly lives in the MidWest and East so we made and received a lot of calls from them as is our tradition. The earlier the better on these calls. I decided that no matter what, we will be spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family Back East next year even if we have to eat Spaghettios and Top Ramen to pay for it.

DS and I did make our pop calls to a couple of friends homes which was fun. We spent the evening just the three of us having an untraditional seafood dinner that DH prepared. Then we watched Mulan in front of the fire place with candles and tree lights twinkling. It was fun.

Today is the gathering at SD home with SS and his crew. I'm only going to make an appearance, DH and I have a party to attend tonight si a legitimate excuse to bow out. They are only here for gifts really.

"Now the kid who hates bikes has another one??!! I guess it depends on from whom the bike comes from, I was flabbergasted when he told me about this 2nd bike."

lamom, some people do things like that.

My SIL almost never let my niece use what I gave her. she would just put things away and nobody ever saw them again.

then their friends would get exactly same things for them (maybe a bit more expensive) and you'd see my niece would use them just fine. just one example: markers that she supposedly doesn't like to draw with (but using the one SIL's GF got her, mine are put away), dolls that she supposedly doesn't play wiht (exactly same doll friends give them and she plays just fine).

I got my niece nice things over the years but nobody ever saw them around the house, but absolutelly identical items given by SIL's friends are all over the place. I stop worrying about it, but it used to hurt me.

FD,

Thanks for that perspective. As I shared earlier, they have complained to me and behind my back about other gifts I've given. But, to buy the exact same thing that the kids supposedly "hated?"

It's almost as though they want to hurt my feelings deliberately. Why? After all of these years? I'll freely admit I've made big mistakes like trying to tell them how to live, interfering in things like I was a mother when I wasn't, "helping" them in an effort to get them to do what I thought was best like getting the troubled grandson in to therapy. For crying out loud, the boy was telling my son that everyone hates me a couple of years ago!!

But I never did anything that they can construe as being against them. Other than marry DH after he was divorced. Give my son a better life than they seem to have had. It just feels hopeless.

I'm so happy you all enjoyed your Chrsitams LA & I was really thinking about you, Fine and everyone else here going through it this year. Hoping we all somehow manage to get some enjoyment out of the day.

My DS loved his train set growing up too, I still have it somewhere. Thats a really special gift for a little boy :0)
Sounds like a very pleasant day/evening indeed!

Things like the bike thing happened to me also. I just don't bother anymore and let DH handle most everything with his kids but i did get GS a perfectly awful extending claw thing that I am sure he will love, (and his parents will hate lol)!! The best part is he is taking it home-Ha!
He is destructo-man so I am sure he will enjoy this along with the rest of the loot.

I'm hoping 3 hours in & out. Did fancy xmas paper plates & cups so minimal cleanup.

I say next year I am going on a cruise & I'll pay for DS & his GF, am sure my parents would go. Now that sounds fun to me!!

~Cat

I don't think these people do it deliberatelly to hurt. I think sometimes they don't feel like they need to make any effort with the family (family will love them anyways) but have to try harder with other people.

My SIL adores her friends and is so nice around them, but he is way less nice wiht me, DD, my parents. Nowhere near.

My SO did these kind of things wiht his cousins whom he adores (hideous awful people), he would put up them on a pedestal, put up with their terrible behavior. His cousins ruined couple of our holidays yet he thought it is OK because they are family. He would even let his DDs suffer (let alone me) as long as cousins are doing fine. And now he calls every day and begs for forgiveness for all his sins. ha. Now within two days he completely switched his views, now he is ready to marry. ha I laugh.

Cruise sounds fun! Oh and by the way I and DD usually go nowhere for the holidays because my family wants to see DD for the holidays. So what do you think my brother and his family left for almost the entire duration of the holidays, so they almost do not get to see DD. My nephew didn't want to go because he is very close to DD, but SIL said she doesn't trust him to stay here alone in the house (he is 20, is not party boy and we would supervise him), still he was told he cannot stay so he had to go too. Nice. DD comes home to see family but majority of the family is gone.

I think next year I am going on a cruise too.

Sounds like a plan to me!!
I'm glad you are taking a good long look at what you really want, cause your situation is eerily like mine was and though I'm married we have the same issues (well they are issues for me, not him).

I have no additional security afforded most married people I couldn't tell you what DH made the last year, nor how much of it has been used to support SS.
I think in the end all you can depend on is yourself. It's a nice fantasy to think that a husband would want to protect, shelter and prepare for the enjoyable golden years together, but I think it's just that. My mother and stepdad have it and have a nice lifestyle together, I always wonder why couldn't we have had that?
Too bad your DD didn't get to visit with her cousins, but I bet she has enjoyed her "mom" time. That just makes everything worthwhile when i get to spend time with my DS.
~Cat

OK, So, I acted the fool on the day after Christmas with my SKIDS. After some (ok a lot) of eggnog, wine and not that much food + not positive encouragement from my friends at a previous engagement, I went to SD36' home for the post Christmas encounter with her, SS30, GF-babymama and StepGKs 8 1/2 and 2 1/2. DH was still running around buying 13th hour gifts for the crew so I entered the lion's den unarmed, alone except for my DS7 and a fortified blood alcohol level, if you know what I mean and I know you do!

We are in LA so it was warm enough to play outside and so we did. SS30 made a few remarks about the gifts of the past (see my other posts on this, they have complained about and/or returned many VERY NICE gifts from me.) The fact that they had given SGS 8 1/2 a bike after telling me a year ago the he HATED the bike I gave him burned me up. The SGS loudly announce that the pogo stick that I also gave him had been given away too! GF-babymama leapt in saying that SGS was using it as a weapon, which is probably true but SGS said his parents said it took up too much space which was probably true too. Not that it took up too much space, just that they said it.

After that came the other comments about the other gifts. I, unhelpfully, made a crack about the new bike and the story that SGS 8 1/2 had learned to ride it miracoulously in ONE DAY. The final blow was when SS30 made a derogatory crack about DS7's new hair (he lost his hair to chemo, see other posts re: DS7 then 6's cancer, it has since grown back in a different grade, color and length.)

I left after that, leaving DS7 to his people. I turned around and came back to basically give SS30 a HUGE piece of my mind but SD36 ran interference, strongly suggested I calm down and confront him later and took it upon herself to say that she would speak to SS, her brother, herself. Luckily, I was not so fargone that I did not take that great advice.

Yes, I acted the fool. Yesterday, I stopped by in the morning, since SS and his crew live way out, they are staying at SD's for a few days to make up a bit. They were a lot more friendly although I wouldn't put much up on the sincerity scale, I was friendlier even coming bearing gifts, a big coffeecake and a fruit salad.

Did I mention that they did not give any of us, including DS7 any gifts at all? DH is taking them all to see the Princess and the Frog today. No doubt he will slip some cash to SS plus the almost whole ham from us, all of the leftovers and the extra gifts he ran out and bought. Good grief!

"The final blow was when SS30 made a derogatory crack about DS7's new hair (he lost his hair to chemo, see other posts re: DS7 then 6's cancer, it has since grown back in a different grade, color and length.) "

So you had a few cocktails and told him what you really think, good for you-at least just for getting it off your chest.

Wow, all I can say is screw that. I would never speak to them again. They make nasty comments about gifts received in the past, about your DS. I don't think I would allow my DS to even associate with these people at all. I'm surprised (not judging at all! I've done way to much to keep the peace myself)you went back the next morning.

Ugh, the whole scenario sounds like a nightmare. I'm so sorry. What did your DH say about all of it and why is he rewarding this horrible behavior from SS30? It makes me so mad! My DH does the same thing, the more crappy the actions the better they get.

~Cat

I think aside from SS's attitude in general the very fact that he would make cracks about DS's hair after all that child has been through and you with him shows such a lack of compassion that I do not think I could bring myself to have any interaction with him ever again.

Some things are just too much, some things you can never take back. I've reached a few of those limits myself this year. This is unforgivable in my book. I think you've been pushed & pushed & pushed. Enough.

~Cat

nice bunch...about time you tell them what you feel, no gifts and criticize yours, and talking about DS's hair, classy people, i would never want to see them again, your DS needs none of this crap, please go to your family next year or take a vacation, this is degrading and embarassing, trashy people

FD and Cat,

Realistically, I cannot go through life with DH never seeing the SKIDS and grandskids again. BUT because of where SS30 lives, way out, and how they are I can limit contact a great deal. Just to the holiday functions which are not that often. DH doesn't have strong grandfatherly feelings so he won't be pushing for togetherness. This is of course, one of their main issues with us or with me and my son. In truth, I'm not pleased that DH is so detached from them but they perpetuate the problems!

Did I mention for chuckles that another one of the unappreciated gifts was a make your own volcano set for the 8 year old? You use baking soda to make the lava and they let their 2 year old eat the baking soda mixture, thought he was poisoned, called the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta who of course told them to either call a poison hotline or 911 (DUH) and the poison hotline said just wait and see, and the baby just had a extra special poop? While they were waitng for the extra special poop they complained that I had given them this dangerous toy.

The grandkids bdays are coming up in January and I've decided already what their gifts will be. No, not nothing. But a dollar for each year. So $9 for the 9 year old to be and $3 for the toddler. That will save angst and money for me. No doubt they will grouse at the cheapness but they can't complain about the safety!

Keep your fingers crossed that his relationship with GF continues because he was on his way to homelessness without her not that long ago.