Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom.

I agree with brass tacks in what she asked about. Why your wife goes behind your back and goes against what both have you agreed on. In reality, besides the resentment that will grow in you, she is also making you seem like the 'bad' guy and her the good one on their sides and forming a stronger bond. An illusion for her because her kids are basically manipulating her. i think if you stay, you will have to talk about this. What i dont understand is why your wife doesn't want to talk about her daughters bad behaviour. THe way i see it, its seems to bother you more than her when it comes to belly piercings, late nights, etc..etc. These are not your kids to decipline. Even if she has let you, your setting yourself up. As a child growing up, i resented any discipline coming from my stepmother. And now as a stepmother of 2 kids, i have told my husband and his kids i will not discipline. I demand respect because i give respect to all of them but its not my job to ground them. That's up to their mother and father. This is what i mean about her letting you and making you the bad guy. Let her handle her kids cra*p! Its not your job. Concentrate on your relationship with your wife. Does she love you? ARe you losing your trust? Do you always let her go into your wallet? The kids hate you because you are discipling. Stop it! Let their mother do it. I know you are concerned about them and their well being. Yes they are a package. But there are instructions on special packages and this is what you have opened. The instructions are not being followed. Or they were not written properly between you and your wife. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss some rules and of course your feelings. How is your wife taking it when her kids are leaving the house and blaming you? Is she resentful or couldnt' care less? Very important, please dont take the blame. These are teenagers. Walking hormones with nasty temper tantrums...been there..done that!:) You are not the one splitting them apart. Your wifes decisions are. By going against what you both decided, she is underminding your cohesiveness as a united front. This is bad when it comes to dealing with kids. You must be united. If she cannot do this. Then its time to go. If she cannot correct this...then its time to go. If it doesn't bother her that her kids are leaving and couldnt care less if they like you or not...you can continue but i dont know how you would feel knowing she is like this.

I totally understand your feelings. I also married a man with children from a previous marriage. I was also naive (still am to some extent) and believe in the golden rule (still do)and naively thought others did too. First, there really is some hope. I have been married to this man now for 17 years and we are stronger as a couple now than ever. He and I do not have children together. The children lived with their mother and stepfather but we had regular "visitation" with them when they were young. The youngest one even lived with us for a short time when she began college. Second, someone needs to explain to you: you have done nothing wrong. Third, step-children often are not much different than biological or "real" children. They can all be a pain in the pettutti(Spelling?) :) I do think you and your husband need parenting counseling more than marriage counseling. I have learned from a friend who did this (they have two bioligical children, no stepchildren) that each parent can have their own parenting style but it is best if you can present a united front. All children test limits. Being a parent doesn't make anyone a great one. Perhaps we do the best we can and hope not to cause too much damage along the way (to ourselves and to others). We all muddle through life and relationships but we can try counseling if that is an alternative to driving oneself crazy. :) It would be nice if everyone had common sense but children do not and let's face it, common sense is not all that common. Keep a sense of humor too. That doesn't hurt. I also joined a hospital library where they had books on step-parenting. Another stepmother told me about it and she also gave me some recommendations of books she thought were the best she had read. That helped me a lot because she had already "weeded" through a lot of books by that point. It helps to be able to talk to other step parents too, whether one on one or in a group. No one is alone in step parenting or parenting. And none of it is easy. I must tell you though, that at this point in time, my husband has chosen to disengage contact with his stepdaughters and has requested I do the same. This may shock you or some people but I do wish to explain this because it is a fact of life. My youngest stepdaughter was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder (a mental illness) and was on medication for a few months. During that time, she acted more reasonably than ever in her life. In the past, she had such great highs and lows, she screamed and yelled a lot; suffered bouts of paranoia; was either ecstatically happy or bottom of the barrel depressed. She blamed everyone else for offenses against her that never occurred. Once on medication for the mental illness, she apologized to us for her past behavior and confided that her mother has all the same symptoms she does and she felt, although her mother never sought professional help, that she too is bi-polar. (I have not researched if bi-polar disorder is genetic or hereditary.) It was my husband's first wife's highs and lows that added to the demise of that marriage. The real reason was she was having multiple affairs and he caught her in the act. Of course, she blamed that on him. (He wasn't there for her; he didn't make enough money; etc.) After a few months of being on this medication, however, my stepdaughter, chose to discontinue the medication stating that although it got rid of the huge "highs and lows" it did not feel "normal" to her so she chose to go back to the huge highs and lows. Which made her behavior revert back to the paranoia, jumping to conclusions, making mountains out of molehills, etc. We, for the most part, for our own sanity, chose to have less contact with her. She seemed fine with that and only wanted to visit on Christmas (to get her gifts/money). Sad but true. We tolerated being "used" in this way for several years now. We truly hoped this would change either because she would grow up or get treatment for her mental illness. Our mistake. Recently, after another of her "tantrums" and accusations directed against us, we decided this behavior is unacceptable and intolerable for us. We are not mental health professionals and that is what she actually needs. So we have chosen to disengage from her for now and maybe forever. We know that is the consequence of this decision but we decided we are both willing to live with it. Mainly, this was my husband's decision and I agree with it. These are his children so he must do what he feels is best. My other step daughter (his eldest child) has always displayed similar behavior but she used to realize her behavior was not rational so she would at least try to behave rationally. She usually turned to us when she needed to hear "the voice of reason." She really tried . . . even during college (in a different city) and after, while working in a different city. About a year ago, she moved back to her mother's town and not far from her. Also not so far from her younger sister (my aforementioned youngest stepdaughter). We hoped all would still go well but again, we were mistaken. Within a month of moving there, my eldest stepdaughter began behaving more irrationally than ever and we chose not to have as much contact with her since. Recently, however, we did go to her home to see how she was doing, etc. She behaved in a very paranoid manner and verbally attacked us. So we chose to disengage again. Recently, she also verbally attacked us, ranting and raving about all sorts of imagined wrongs we had committed against her. Very paranoid, jumping to conclusions, misinterpreting well meant things, etc. Behavior mirroring her younger sister who is mentally ill, and her mother who is probably suffering the same mental illness. We could only conclude that SHE is suffering from this as well and needs to get professional help, which we cannot give her since we are not mental health professionals. So our current status is that we are "disengaged." We do not hold it against them that they are ill. We simply have tried to be understanding all these years and hoped they would each get better. They haven't. So my husband had to throw up his hands after over thirty years of dealing with this from his ex, then each child -- and asked, "How long do I have to put up with this? When is it going to end?" I have tolerated it for over 20 years. (I lived with my husband before we were married). I too feel enough is enough. We cannot help them, they need to get professional help. So what is my point? It is that in addition to being a parent or step parent, sometimes the child is not just "naughty" or "manipulative". Sometimes they can be mentally ill. To know would require some observation and some emotional distance as well in order to observe. If you suspect the child has a mental illness, that is NOT going to just change. A mental health professional has to be involved. Better early than later. Right now my husband and I are, as usual, a united front. We have chosen to disengage for now and possibly forever. We can only have hope that someday they will get the help they truly need and will decide to engage us when they can behave rationally and reasonably. I don't know if this helps in your situation. Only you can observe to see if the behavior seems like the usual childhood naughtiness or if it is a sign of deeper problems. Your hubby and you are not on the same page though, from what I can gather. And if he won't go to marriage counseling, maybe he would go to parent counseling with you? And if not, you can go to either or both alone. You must take care of yourself first. No one else is going to. Truly. Once you have taken care of yourself, only then can you see what you truly want to do. I have no regrets about marrying the man I did and dealing with this. I have learned a lot about myself and people in general. If it were possible for me to have had the girls get into counseling when they were young, I would have but that was not an option at that time. Their mother controlled that. I think you have to weigh your options for yourself. Also this is the first holiday I have experienced that was not lovely. I used to hear people complain about the huge emotional swings they have during this time but I never actually experienced that before. My point is, that can contribute to feelings right now. I would try to approach it as an "observer" and then based on realistic alternatives, decide what might be best for YOU. As with my stepdaughters, there is literally NOTHING I can do. But with my husband, we have already chosen to stay together and be a united front. We do love each other and want to stay together. Living single is not easy. Living married is not easy. I don't know that life is every easy. But if you are with someone who "has your back" and you do the same for them, I think that is the best you can hope for. I don't know if that helps you. I do not profess to know what is right for someone else to do. Rarely do we get all the facts anyway but it doesn't matter -- what matters is that YOU have as many of the facts as you can and make your decision based on that and what you feel is right for YOU. You cannot fix or change anyone else, you can only change how you react to others. You can change your own circumstances, if you decide that is best for you but you would be making those changes for yourself. Not for others.

grinsalot, First off, you defend yourself. Account for where you were and what you were doing that day in question and have your witnesses. You were accused of something that was not petty. If you think that you shouldn't have to prove anything, then you are making a statement that conveys that you can be walked upon. If you were some kind of angel, your husband could have defended you. Look, you don't have to get angry, but you don't give people permission to hurt you. Just so I don't get misunderstood--I don't mean that you have to be on guard all the time, but you have to know when to walk away and when to put up your dukes. If the daughter truly believed that you were in her home without her knowledge, etc. that is one thing. But if she made that story up and you know in your heart that she did that, then you need to stay away from her, her mother and anyone else that has fun getting dirty. Certainly you would not want to have anything to do with her. Don't talk to her on the phone and especially don't babysit for her. You are a threat to your husband's daughter and she is a threat to you. She visits her dad at work and she may even have some ideas about how to trump you. What are you going to do? Look for little ways to impune her? Forget it. It's just trouble. It just puts more roadblocks between you and your husband. While you are thinking about her, you are not enjoying life. So she gets to be alone with him--that's good. Instead of dwelling on her and your disappointment in your husband, get busy and spend time doing those things that you enjoy and look forward to enjoying your husband's company. Give your husband some credit. Let him be responsible for the relationship he has with his kids.