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Am I alone in feeling this?

Posted by caitb (My Page) on
Fri, Nov 19, 10 at 19:34

I am a divorced mother of two girls, I get child support for them. I am dating a man who is divorced and also has two children. He and I are serious about each other and talking about marriage. I have decided and talked to him about it that once he marries me I will no longer get child support from my ex. I just can't reason it out in my head. When my ex and I were married we had no additional income, it was just us. I think it's unfair to be able to be a three income household. If my ex gets remarried and has more children (which if it is what he wants I hope he gets) I couldn't feel good about him basically supporting two families. I know they are his kids and I will never deny him them, they will still see him, talk to him, nothing will change. I was a stay at home mom and if him paying me caused his new wife the ability to stay home it just seems selfish. I think if I'm marrying someone then he knows I have kids and that we're a package deal. Am I alone in this?

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Am I alone in feeling this?

Hmmm. I think your heart is in the right place, and that's good.

That said, I do not think this is the *best* idea.

A.) Blending families is hard. Your new husband also has two children. I see lots of resentment being created if you and your girls are there---not sure if you work?---and your new husband's financial situation is changed.

B.) There is a lots of potential for problems in SFs and money/who gets what/whose needs are going to be met and with what funds is a big one. In nuclear families, sometimes parents have to prioritize: ie---Susie needs money for SAT classes, and that comes before Johnny's soccer camp. But in a SF situation, if funds are limited, this is a recipe for disaster.

C.)THe nice thing about child support for YOUR girls is that you KNOW it goes to them. Then you don't have to feel *guilty* or have to pick and choose over what's most important. And, on the same token, your husband's money can overall go to continue to support his own children.

Let's say your DD needs braces; your DH's child needs braces, too. With child support, you know that you have money SPECIFICALLY for your children's needs/reasonable wants.

I just would not open this can of worms, I see way too many problems.

RE: Am I alone in feeling this?

While I do get your line of thinking, I disagree with laying all the support of your children onto your boyfriend/hoped to be husband.

Doesnt this guy already have two children he is spending support payments to? What happens if boyfriend loses his job or finds himself seriously downsized in the bring home predicting what may happen at any unknown turn of events. Even if you/BF make tons of money and want for nothing I feel you'd be taking a sense of duty and responsibilty away from the children's father by telling him to totally skip child support. Does not matter that new to be husband can and will support them at least in the near foreseeable future.

How does future husband feel about putting 4 children through college on his own, two of those children not his own? Are you planning on additional children? I get the 'package deal' thing, but giving future husband the whole package denies ex husband the true duties of being a father. How does ex feel about you making these decisions all on your own. When your future husband has sole support of ex's children, is furture husband going to find it necessary to consult with ex on ex's children? Bet not.

While you might consider reduced support with overviews of amount from time to time, if ex really has trouble...I think that's about the most you should consider. I believe it's totally wrong to keep reproducing children if one can not support the children one currently has... and just so new wife can stay at home?? I get your trying to be 'unselfish' here, let a new wife stay home with babies blah blah, but I don't think from your children's or your future husband's nor even your ex's standpoints and best interest that it is very well thoughtout. Why not bank the support payments in an account for your children if you really don't need nor want it.

As an extreme, what happens if ex does marry and has three more kids. Then your new husband has an accident and dies or is seriously impaired to continue supporting his and your (plus new children?). Would you really want to lead your ex into thinking he's off the hook because he now has three additonal children and can't budget in support to the two older children?

I don't think you're thinking this through. Sounds rather like you're hitting it from a romatic angle and looking no closer. For one, many women on this board, whether they like having to have the ex pay support or not, are in no situation to just give the ex a pass.

I guess I'm wondering as to why you're thinking so carefully about any possible future wife/children of your ex instead of focusing on your current children, the load on your future husband and the fact that life does not always turn out the way we try and plan it. The divorce rate on second (even first) marriages in this country isn't that great either. I don't think I'd count my chickens before they're hatched as to say.

RE: Am I alone in feeling this?

I think you need to keep your priorities straight. Your childrens father has an obligation to help support his children as do you-and that doesn't change irregardless of how he or you choose to move forward with your lives.

I don't get why you feel so driven to absolve him of his responsibilty to his children. I think it's a lot more selfish for you to be concerned about your ex's future wife, life and dropping all the financial burden on your new man. if you don't need the money then dump it into a college or trust fund for the children.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but it doesn't make sense at all to me. I'd advise you to seek legal counsel before making any decisions of this nature.


RE: Am I alone in feeling this?

I agree with cat. It's not fair to ask that of your future husband and it is your ex's responsibility to pay child support, not just your choice to decide who gets to pay what.

RE: Am I alone in feeling this?

You are wrong on this. Your ex is obligated to pay CS because these are his children. CS has nothing to do with you being married or not. If your children lived with dad, then you would pay CS. CS support is for the kids, their clothes, their food, their schooling etc. For you to say that now it all becomes responsibility of a new husband is wrong. I don't really understand why are you so eager to take your ex's parental responsibility away? Your personal life/marriage/relationships has nothing to do with your ex responsibility to his own children

RE: Am I alone in feeling this?

Child support is ordered because the CHILD HAS THE RIGHT TO BE SUPPORTED BY BOTH PARENTS. In my state, the custodial parent does not have the right to waive child support because you cannot waive the child's right to be supported.

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