Ex wife 'Still in Love'

15 years ago

My fiance has been divorced for over 3-4 years from his ex and they have been separated for 5 yrs. He had one girlfriend before me since the divorce and had moved away for 1 1/2 yrs. to pursue a medical degree, but moved back 1 1/2 yrs. ago to reconnect with his two children.

Since then, his ex wife has not let him forget about everything he has done wrong and how he had 'robbed' her of the perfect little family they had (just a note - she left him).

Since we've been dating, she has expressed her jealousy of me out loud both to me and to my fiance. She saw us "kiss" once, heard him say "I Love You" to me on the phone, hold hands once, and hug. Each time one of these 'activities' has happened, he receives a very detailed email from her where she will say how much that it hurts her, how it's disrespectful, and that our 'behavior' is crossing her personal 'boundaries'.

I feel that she is abusing my fiance and me. So far, neither one of us have responded to the 'emails', but it does create tension in our house when she attacks us both.

We have also seen some 'confusion' when his 6 yr. old daughter visits. She becomes 'standoffish' and doesn't know her 'place' in our home. In some of these emails the ex wife even says that the daughter sees mommy upset while she talks about or to daddy.

I don't know what if I want any sort of answer to this post or just to 'post it'. Any advice/comments?

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Comments (9)

nicksmom
15 years ago
Get used to it. There are lots of crazy, jealous, ex-wives out there. And even if you weren't a home-wrecker, you will definitely be called one.

Oh yeah...welcome to the forum!
silversword
15 years ago
How long have you been dating before the engagement? How long was his relationship with the "rebound" woman? How did the ex-wife treat RB woman?

She's using the daughter against her ex. Shameful, but very common. Make the little girl feel at home. Make sure she has her own personal areas, special plates to eat on, whatever (we have ice age,etc for my six year old) will make her feel special and involved.

BE HER FRIEND. Don't try to be her mom. Just try to be a responsible adult involved in her life. At this age there's still a chance to form a deep, long lasting bond with her. But she will be very torn between loyalties. Don't contribute to those feelings if you can possibly help it. Every little girl needs more "aunties" and "friends".

Ex is abusive. Mostly to herself, because she hasn't let go yet. You can rise above it.

When my ex and I split up I got an email address specifically for communication with him. That way I was never ambushed. When I checked that email, I could be mentally prepared.

Maybe he could acknowledge her pain. If she says "it hurts her, how it's disrespectful, and that our 'behavior' is crossing her personal 'boundaries'" he could email back that he has no intention of hurting her and he's sorry she feels that way. I'd imagine that's true too. It doesn't say he's wrong, or she's wrong, just that he heard her and he's sorry SHE FEELS that way. As long as your PDA's are not innappropriate, keep doing it if that makes you feel comfortable. Personally I would never kiss, or hold hands in front of my ex. Very uncomfortable. But my DH and I keep our PDA's "grandma friendly". Very PG. We have code words for "I love you", it makes it more personal, and does not sound unprofessional if said at work or in front of strangers. Of course we aren't cold fish!!! But we don't flaunt it. Just a consideration.

Sounds like you have your work cut out for you. I can say from experience that it probably will not get any easier. Don't stoop to her level. Be gracious and stay as far away as you can.
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Now that I have completely read the entire thread, I have one more comment. As far as mom putting things in the kids head. Maybe take a step back and look through a different set of glasses. This may not be mom's doing. He is 6. My dd was saying these things to me and to her dad at age 6 and NO one was saying them to her. She is now 11 and told me just the other day, 'I wish you and my dad could love each other'. It was completely out of the blue. We have been divorced for 6 almost 7 years and it's been quite a while since she has said anything like this. She did go further to tell me that she is grateful for my dh and for her little brother but that she just sometimes wished our family was normal. I think maybe a 6 yr old talking about mom and dad together is very normal and does not mean mom is telling him to say these things. The things you would be seeing from a 6 year old if their mom was telling them things would be actual actions and not words. He isn't going to remember to recite word for word what mom said to say to dad's new girl friend. He would be angry at you, disrespectful and he would not at all listen to what you say. And he would be distant with his dad. Those are signs of parental alienation. The child would be so pulled and would shy away from affection from dad if this were happening. Sounds like he just has a lot of memories that he wants to share. In the very beginning of my divorce. I was bitter. My ex had met one lady and they moved so fast. (they are married now). I dated here and there. My friends set me up, I met a guy through work. I even got in to a relationship that ended badly. I did feel like something was wrong with me. How did this man go on and find someone to fall in love with, to move in with, start a new life with and I was just still searching. Sure it's silly to an outsider but according to my therapist I am a very normal person with very normal feelings. What made me even bitter was the new woman was wanting to 'get to know me so that I would know who was caring for my daughter'. I didn't want to know her or what she had that I didn't. Yup, that's insecurity and again very normal. My ex was back and forth back and forth. We'd sleep together and then he would go back to her two days later. She never knew any of this but I was bitter and she pegged me as the crazy ex wife that wasn't over her man. Yup, I wasn't over my husband, my ex husband, my marriage, my divorce, my family, my broken home but he was but not really because he couldn't stay put. It was very hard and after a couple of years I met a wonderful man and I'm very happy with my life however there is still that little pang of, my daughter has two mom's. When she was born I never Invisioned that. Had I known, maybe I would have held her more or maybe I would have taken more pictures. Maybe I would have watched her sleep more because I would have known that I would miss many nights of having her in the next room. Divorce is hard on everyone and just because someone still has feelings and might seem bitter doesn't make them a bad person or crazy. I didn't want to hang out and have coffee with this new person. I didn't want her in my face. I didnt want her to answer the phone when I called because I surely was not calling to talk to her. I don't think I would have felt that bitterness at all had she just let me be and stay out of my co-parenting. She thought (maybe she thought I don't know) that I wanted to know what my daughter was doing when I wasn't around and honestly no, I didn't want to know. I was better off being blind and dumb but she thought she needed to inform me because she was just trying to let me know what kind of nice person she was. Nope I didn't want to know. And I really think had she just stepped back and stopped rubbing her new little life in my face, I could have just been blissfully ignorant and not felt bitter. I bet if you just step back and not even show yourself at all to her, that bitterness will die down. Don't answer the phone when she calls. Don't do pick up or drop off. Don't send emails. Just be your BF's girlfriend and the mom to your kids. Be kind to his son and love him be there for him and she will see that she didn't need to be bitter and her insecurities were unfounded. It took me a year or two to realize that I am in control of me and my relationship with my daughter is about me and me alone. I am the only one that can ruin what we have. But it does take time after a divorce to feel secure in that. I felt like a failure in many areas. But after a while I realized I am not.
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justnotmartha
15 years ago
"She's using the daughter against her ex. Shameful, but very common."
Yes, sadly it is. Your story is almost identical to that of me, my Dh and his ex, but my Sd was 4 when we got together and 6 when we got custody. Mom was, and still is, horrible about sharing all her personal pain with her daughter and making her problems her daughters as well. Believe me when I say we tried EVERYTHING to get mom to see that and stop, but nothing worked except time and maturity. At about age 11 SD started to 'get' mom and not be so effected by her crap. Let me tell you, those years between were not pretty as I basically wanted to rip mom's head off on a daily basis.

My SD and I have an amazing relationship - she calls me her true mom. This I think because of two things - one, she is just an amazing kid. Two, I never gave up on us. I treated her just like my own from day one. She was just as much a part of our family as we were, and we never let it be anything but. We never had an issue with her wanting seperate daddy time, so we did everything together. I had a baby 1 month after we got custody, and even that wasn't too difficult, no matter how hard mom tried.

You can't change mom. All you can change is how you react to her.
triximky
Original Author
15 years ago
I do have an added challenge to this puzzle....the 6 yr. old is adopted and is of another race. She recently had questions about: "Is daddy still my daddy or is he my step-daddy?" and (this one she felt hurt her) "I want to raise money for my birth mommy.". The second question stemmed with studying the long history between black and white and how african americans were slaves a long time ago.

Also, now when I 'play dolls' with her she likes to role play her feelings about reality. The last two visits here, she started to tell me I should play the 'mommy' instead of one of her sisters like we usually do. For the first time since the 'dad' has been living here, she has started to relax and now feels comfortable with 'leaning' on him which she has never done before. This started to happen when we finally was awarded visitation from the courts without the 'mother' being present (trust me - uncomfortable all the way around and for awhile without my participation until the judge put his stamp of approval). The poor 6 yr. old was afraid to touch dad in front of mommy even - now that is messed up.

I have never 'had' kids and cannot have any of my own due to hysterectomy at 26 yrs. old (currently I am 36 yrs.). This 'new life' is presenting alot of new challenges and is nothing like I have ever experienced. I was delusional thinking that if I am friendly and openly accept my fiance's ex wife things were going to be 'peachy keen'.....big mistake.
nivea
15 years ago
"had moved away for 1 1/2 yrs. to pursue a medical degree, but moved back 1 1/2 yrs. ago to reconnect with his two children."

It looks like this is getting glossed over. And this is where I can see a lot of a six year olds confusion happening. Dad and Mom divorce. Dad moves away for a good chunk of time. Dad comes back. Dad has another new girlfriend. Dad expects kids to act like nothing happened.

You know, its hard for adults to act appropriately during separations and divorce. Then it trickles down to the kids. But it is rarely just wholly one-sided.

"This started to happen when we finally was awarded visitation from the courts without the 'mother' being present (trust me - uncomfortable all the way around and for awhile without my participation until the judge put his stamp of approval)."

How long after the divorce did it take to get visitation without Mom around? It sounds like it didn't happen until you and Dad started dating.

If that is the case, why did he wait so long to do establish visitation?

Again, these things are not one-sided and Dad has just as much a responsibility to keep his relationship and bond with his children. It is easy to blame the other parent, but its not really the answer.

As far as BM's reaction to the physical contact and I love you's, I personally wouldn't feel comfortable doing that in front of an ex anyway, but you can just ignore her as you have been doing.
doodleboo
15 years ago
It can sometimes take years for the Ex to adjust to his/her Ex moving on. With my husbands Ex it was HORRIBLE in our early stages of dating. She acted like a psycho stalker. She used the girls as weapons. It was really hard times for us.

She was the one who cheated on him and she didn't have a problem untill it became really obvious he was getting serious with another woman. Then all the sudden she never wanted the divorce and I was a homewrecker who stole him away from her and the girls. Keep in mind she was still living with the man she left him for through out all of this.

I lived in florida in the when we first started dating so we would have to actually make plans to see each other because he lived in Georgia. I couldn't just "drop in". She would literally drive by his house 40 times a day to see if my car was there and if it was she would try to drop the girls off on none visit days KNOWING we only got to see each other once maybe twice a week and had probably made special plans since I was in town. If he told her No she would tell the girls that daddy didn't love them anymore or he loved his girlfriend more than them...etc. etc. It was disgusting how she hurt them in order to try and get J to do what she wanted him to do.

She wound up leaving the girls with us and we have them living with us full time now. It was like if she couldn't have daddy she didn't want the responsibility of caring for his children. She's in and out and there is still drama but at least the jealousy seems to be more or less under control. It took three years to get to this point and it still isn't easy....just bearable.

Prepare yourself for a long hard road and just hang in there the best you can. Be a friend to the child and be the best support for your man that you can be. That's all you can do. Mom will have to come to grips on her own time.
kkny
15 years ago
I am even more confused. Dad moved away for 1.5 years to pursue medical degree -- is a medical degree 4 years? Did he transfer or drop out? But more importantly if he didnt have contact with a young child for a number of years, of course reconnection is going to be difficult. It almost sounds like he cant parent on his own, and needs the mom or you to help. Not good. Would go with Nivea's advice.
doodleboo
15 years ago
Also be prepared because when you get married she will probably go completely nuts for awhile.

Even when J's Ex had mellowed if anything pivitol happened she reverted back to the psycho behavior. She finally adjusted to the fact that we were seeing each other and it was OK for awhile but then I moved in with him and she went off the deep end again. Back to banging on the doors and windows and driving by the house all the time. She was calling my phone drunk at 3 in the morning calling me names and accusing me of stealing her husband again. Once she adjusted to us living together she mellowed a bit but then we got married...she went nuts again. She finally came to grips with that but then I wound up pregnant. etc. etc.

Anyway you get the picture. It'll be up and down so just be ready for the ride.

Good Luck
triximky
Original Author
15 years ago
I guess from some of the comments I got, it makes me feel better since it could be a whole lot worse.

To answer your questions, you can get a respiratory therapist degree within 1 1/2 yrs., if you go continuous.

Anyways, thanxs for all the ideas and answers. It is just overwhelming at times and I could of never imagined what 'this situation' would be like.

Ex wife 'Still in Love'

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