I understand from what I read here and there that my role in this is to be the "bad guy" they are the victims, and mom is the enabler If you've read enough to understand this, then you know that the only escape from this drama triangle is for the "bad guy" to exit it. This doesn't mean you leave the house, but it does mean that you begin to speak your truth in a non-judging way, you draw boundaries and you calmly make clear what is not acceptable to you. Just by being aware of the dysfunction is the first step. The next step is to create some distance between yourself and the situation so you can clearly identify the role that each player is playing. You observe the situation, the players (including yourself) and the interactions from a certain distance. It's helpful to work this through with a therapist, but if you have a friend who can hear you without judging, that's useful too. There's no way out of the dysfunction without some amount of pain. People will cling to their roles, no matter how destructive they are, because it's what they know. Taking an honest look at one's life, if it's never been done before, is terrifying. But look at the alternative: more drama, more dysfunction, the cycle repeating through all future interactions with people. I think for your own health you need to come to terms with your family's situation, look at your own role in it, and make the changes you need in order to stop this cycle for you. May you find peace. Here is a link that might be useful: The Drama Triangle

If you are going to school full time, AND working part time...do the hours add up to less than working full time? Just wondering... I do understand that you want/need to finish your degree since you are very close to finishing. I also understand that you now have a home for your children, that you may or may not be able to provide without his help. I also understand how valuable it is to have someone to share your life with, and help you raise your children, instead of trying to raise them alone. Especially since he is a good man, who treats your children well. And "I get" that his children have a choice in their behavior, and they are making your family life miserable. However...as a parent, do you understand that if he turns his back on his children, he has failed in his role as a father and a parent? That these next 6 years are the most crutial years in the development of his kids, and will determine who they will be as adults? That as he chooses you and your children over his children (both he and his children will understand that he chose you over them) that will in and of itself create "issues" for both he and his children. Raising teenagers is enormously difficult for ALOT of people, even those with intact families. His children are acting out, of the anger and pain of what has happened in their life... I understand that you feel that they should not "win" and ruin what you and your fiancee' are trying to build...that their bad behavior should not be rewarded by getting them what they want...which is you and your children to leave. However, as a father and a man of integrity and honor...he must fight to hang in there and finish raising his children...whether he feels like it or not. Perhaps they do need to live with their mother...I don't know. But he should not give up on them because it is hard. And he is right in demanding that they treat others with respect, and that includes you and your children...but it also includes their teachers and others, or life will be hard for them...because in life, we must treat people we work with, and for, with respect, whether we like them or not. This is tough because their mother is teaching them one thing...but he needs to teach them what he sees as important...and do his best. The rest will one day be up to them. I wish you the best as you try and do what is right for you, your children, and your fiancee' (and his children). He is in such a tough spot because he loves you, and does not want to lose you...and yet his own children need him...but their behavior is destroying everything he wants, and the life you two are trying to build. But as the kind and good man you know him to be...which makes him a man of honor trying to do what is right...by both you and as a parent. What a hard, hard spot to be in. He will need to be strong, wise and walk through this. I wish you both better times ahead.

The first thing I notice in your post is that there might be some unrealistic expectations. The behavior of your older stepkids is somewhat typical for their ages.. I have three kids that are 22, 20 & 19 and if I don't remind my son constantly, he won't clean up after himself. My 19yo is a girl and I don't have that problem with her. My 22yo is also married & out of the home.. but he also left at 18 because I was with my DH and planning to get married. Since he has gotten married and had a child, he doesn't focus too much on my marriage. I told him when he said he didn't want me to get married that someday he will meet someone and whether I like her or not, I will respect his choice because I love him.. and I expect him to at least respect my choice. He doesn't have to like my husband but he needs to be respectful and that is something I laid down to him when he was 18. He's now almost 23 and has matured & has been respectful the last couple of years. My 20 year old has also given DH lots of crap and doesn't like that we have rules because DH had input in the rules. We have rules like keep your room clean.. clean up after yourself.. be in by a certain time.. and if you want to eat whatever you want, go buy your own stuff.. If he's in school, he lives there for free. If he isn't in school, he is charged $50 a week 'rent'. But, I am the one that brings the rules to him, not DH. I am the one that says something when he isn't following the rules, not DH. I am the one that has to do it because I am his parent and if DH says anything to him.. it turns into a battle with my son becoming rebellious just because DH is saying it. He doesn't have the relationship necessary, I do. My daughter is a totally different story. She calls DH dad and when he tells her she's doing things wrong... she doesn't like it but she is respectful and if she doesn't agree with him, she will talk to him respectfully and plead her case. My son won't do that. He will start name calling. It has more to do with different personalities, but my point is that your DH needs to be the one to set limit, boundaries, and enforce them with his own kids. I won't tolerate my kids treating DH with disrespect... just as I wouldn't tolerate them being mean to the other kids in school or if they didn't like a teacher, they were not allowed to be disrespectful. "treat others the way you would like to be treated" If they have nothing nice to say, they don't need to say anything, but they have to be respectful and that includes rolling eyes, making faces, or ignoring. I have had that problem with my SD because my DH has not had that expectation from his DD and I have a hard time when she treats me that way... because I won't allow my kids to do that to anyone. In regard to your small kids... teenagers don't typically get excited to have new siblings. They don't want to think of their parents as having sex.. and a baby is in their face proof that dad had sex. Yes, they probably know it happens... they just don't want to be reminded or think about it. Again, dad should be the one to expect them to treat their siblings with respect, which includes gift giving. I wouldn't expect a grown kid to come to a kids party but they should acknowledge their sibling. You can't make people do what you like and all you can tell your children when they get older and ask (and it may be a non issue if the older kids get better about it as they get older) is that you don't know why... because unless your stepkids tell you why they don't buy gifts, you really do not know why. My SD's mom does crappy things like she sends her mom to pick up SD instead of getting her herself or she cuts visits short and while I have my own opinion on why she does it, I don't know for sure and if SD asks.. the only true answer is "I don't know". Then, it was pretty insensitive to say "are you not happy that your dad is finally happy. Because we were very happy and so much in love." because that implies that dad was not happy with their mother or as a single parent with them before you came along... that YOU are responsible for any happiness he has. I would not like being told that. Personally, I was very happy when I was a single parent, just me and my kids. I love my husband and we are very happy together now... as far as relationships go, I never knew I could be so happy with someone. But, I would not want that tossed into my kids' face and him taking credit for all my happiness. I would find a way to be happy whether he is in my life or not. I'm sure he was very happy with his ex wife or when his children were born and he was raising them. If he wasn't.. his kids are the last people you want to tell. Besides, they lived it and they will already know whether they have seen him happy or not. It might help your situation to find a way to apologize to his kids for saying that. (I also thought it wasn't necessary to explain you are not responsible for their parent's divorce, if they were divorced 2 years before you came along, the kids know you didn't cause the divorce. They likely just want their parents together or to not have to go through seeing dad with someone new. It isn't personal, they would probably feel that way about anyone he's with) The best advice I can give you is to back off. It wasn't until my husband backed off and I stepped up to being the ONLY one to enforce things... and I have to be consistent, which has been a problem for me in the past (and yes, DH does remind me in private when I'm not being consistent) but it wasn't until I handled my grown kids 100% that it got better. I also stand up for the kids when I think he's being unreasonable.

End, I wonder if you did both go make wills together, if your attorney could tip you off if he changed it again behind your back, wonder if it would be legal for atty to do so? To inform you, I mean? Geez, giving HIS parents your kids? I m assuming they are your kids together? Without sharing that decision???? I would also wonder if thats legal? My brother had me on his will as guardians of his kids if anything happened to him (he was a widower) and I had to go in and sign I would do this, did his parents do that???? I think I d approach him again with what you need to be satisfied with will terms, or evaluate the whole marriage..Sad situation for you, for sure...