First, I am certain all of our prayers are with your son.

Second, maybe she will grow up, she is young. Maybe she is stressed about him going overseas.

Good luck.

Did you say he has two weeks left? If so, I think you all should try to file for an emergency custody order for the baby. Go in there armed with as much as you have, the arrest reports from the other day and any others you son may have.ALSO try and find some type of proof she is not taking her meds along with her diagnosis. It is possible to get a quick hearing, this was done with my SD when she was a baby. Before you file for emergency custody though, I think your husband should have her addmitted to the hospital. Take her there for an evaluation, she has already made threats and she is not medicated so more than likely they will keep her. That would at least buy you a week to get temp custody for your son or you.I think once he deploys, you are going to have a REALLY hard time keeping her from taking the baby.
My sister had bipolar, she went off her meds and she hung herself in January. A person with bipolar who is unmedicated is a TIME BOMB don't leave her alone with that baby!!! It sounds to me, that when she was accusing him of flirting with the cashier, she possibly was haullucinating which is common with certain types of bipolar when you are not taking your meds.
IMA, you gotta do something, I am not trying to scare you, but there is no telling what she might do to that baby unmedicated if she is being abusive to your son.
I would also take her threats of suicide seriously, people who are bipolar and unmedicated have a large suicide rate...
Also,
Expect for her to "come down" and maybe even seem better soon...they can stay up or down it's really like a roller coaster but you have no idea which way the turns will be.
I hope thing will go ok for you all.

The police said they were going to evaluate her mental health. I don't know what that entails but she was released the next day, so she must have been convincing enough that she is not going to hurt herself. He is leaving my state in the morning, he will be back on base in the other state for another two weeks. I contacted our attorney here and she said their residency is in the other state, my son says he is a resident of this state because he's military. If anyone knows about that, it would make a huge difference. In their state, marital counseling is required before a divorce is granted. In our state, it's a no fault state and no counseling is required.

Also, in my state the court can give custody to anyone if it's proven that it's in the child's best interests. She may be paranoid but she was screaming at me that she's known all along that I wanted to take her baby away from her and that's all I care about is taking the baby away from her. She is not rational at all. She doesn't understand that with my son gone and she is on her own... she told him she would not bring the baby around me at all after he leaves... it won't take long for someone to call authorities (well, I'm going to but if I didn't, it would not take long) because I didn't have anything to do with what happened on base. The Army threatened to take the baby after the first incident because of the filth in the house. My son says he's had to do all the housework and she complains about taking care of the baby when he's at work. If he says he pays all the bills and she needs to keep the house clean, she tells him "no, the Army pays the bills". She doesn't connect the dots that the Army pays him to work... that's why he has to report for duty but she gets angry that he can't be home all day. Again, irrational! It was HER idea for him to join the Army~ now she is upset he's being deployed. I think it's more than immaturity.. though that's probably part of it.

kk, my daughter is immature. My son's are immature.... this girl is mentally ill. She told me that she did not want me to be around the baby two weeks after he was born.. because she didn't want him to turn out like me. They were staying in MY house because I was the only one that would help her out. I took her to birthing classes, I threw her a baby shower, I've done everything I can to warm up to her and make nice. She is paranoid & neither of her parents wanted anything to do with her. When she turned 18, they set her up in an apartment and paid the rent & bought her a car. She wasn't talking to either of them and when her car broke down (well, she actually backed it into a fire hydrant), she called my son while he was at basic training to have him call me so I could come help her. She had my phone number and I was about a mile away from her, he was on the other coast. She is not right and it's more than lack of maturity.

I hope she gets help and can be a mother to this baby because I was not expecting to be parenting a toddler at 40. and with finances tight after all the custody drama with BM (that is ongoing), I have enough on my plate. But, I cannot take a chance that she will get frustrated at him crying.. etc. She tells me how he keeps her up all night and she drinks energy drinks to stay awake with him. I've had him with us and he sleeps all night and is about the easiest baby.. hardly ever cries.

Oh, Ima, my heart is full of prayers for you, son and the little one right now.

Can you get a temporary custody/guardianship on the baby ensuring the baby's safety which would help son go way knowing baby will be okay?

This wife needs more than anger management, she's a total live wire and baby must be first and foremost--untreated bi-polar can be unpredictable and dangerous. Human Services and a lawyer I think immediately need to be involved for the little ones sake.

OMG this is so scary for you, your DS and the baby! I agree with Fiveinall. You've got to protect that baby no matter what! You would give the same advice to anyone in your situation.

Fiveinall - I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I know you've brought it up before. It's an awful feeling not having hope.

My thoughts are with you, your son and a little baby. Unfortunatelly I have nothing to advice, i have no experience with domestic violence and custody arrangements. I hope baby ends up in good hands, i worry about baby's safety but have no clue what the law is. It is too much for you to be taking care of the baby but it looks like there is no one else to take care of him but you at this point. so sorry for all the mess

Ima - they are residents of YOUR state. My sister has lived in 3 different states in 2 years. She is still a resident of Texas, votes in Texas elections, etc. My brother has been in the military for 10+ years and he has never changed his state of residence.

holding all of you in my thoughts & in my heart.

Ima, so sorry you are going thru all of this right now!! Thinking of you, your son and your grandchild...My Dh's brother is bipolar, it's not fun to deal with. They have very good medication now but the problem is that bipolar's don't like to take the medication. DH's brother has been in and out of hospital many, many times. Has she ever been assessed though because it could be something else?

Some links on bipolar:

http://www.cmha.ca/BINS/content_page.asp?cid=3-86-92

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-index.shtml

Like others have expressed here, if you can get custody of your grandchild, I think that's probably the best thing for the baby, although it's alot for you...

Many ((((((hugs))))))to you....

Oh Ima HUGE (((HUGS)))

You surely do not need this stress right now, with everything else you've got on your plate.

But I am in agreement with the other ladies (and you, too) that it's best if you try to get your DS's wife to either voluntarily leave her baby w/you while she gets back on her feet---OR if you go for emergency custody.

I would act quickly b/c if he deploys in 2 weeks, that might be hard---he would probably be a key "witness" in hearing custody hearings, and, at the very least, maybe you should talk to your attorney and see if DS can't give a sworn, notarized statement regarding why he feels his child is unsafe w/BM.

I'm really sorry this is going on---hang in there!

Ima, you need to check with your son about papers he filled out in basic training and his new base. There are forms that he may have filled out to change his "permanent address." Ask him about that, its required to be filled out at basic and every new base.

I'm assuming in basic he used your address (as they still need to put in an address) but there is a chance he may have changed it at his new base to his current address in the new state. One quick way to figure it out is did he ever change his license plates to the new state? Get a new drivers license? If he didn't, there is a good chance his permanent address is still the old state. However, he could've changed it and just never changed his plates and license because it is common in the military to have different states.

Also, he needs to notify his supervisors and contact base legal. He may be able to get a delay in deployment as this could qualify as a family emergency. Also, legal should be able to help you with services in case you do end up with custody of the baby. You need to get all the info you can so that you may use the insurance and get on base etc.

Ima, I wish you luck. I see a lot of suggestions here, I dont have enough familiarty with either the service or mental illness to contribute anything.

Ima - I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I don't have anything meaningful to add except for good wishes and virtual support for you. If there's anyone who will be able to come through this sane and standing - I'd put my money on you.

You've said you are scared to leave the baby with her -- and I absolutely get that.
Do you know for sure what your son wants?

Ima you are in my thoughts, hugs to you

Thanks for all the support! I haven't had time to go online... it's 6am and we leave in about an hour to head for the airport.

She has agreed to voluntarily leave the baby with me until she finds a place to live. She stayed at my dad's house last night because she came to see the baby and said she had slept in her car because her mom and stepdad kicked her out again. My dad felt sorry for her (and I do too) but I also know she needs help and she doesn't seem to think anything is wrong with how she does things. She was told (by my dad) she can stay a couple of nights if she behaves herself. She behaved but it was obvious she was struggling to be nice... I think once my son leaves, she needs to go too. If she stays, she could claim tenancy and refuse to leave and then he would be stuck trying to evict her. She has bouts of 'normal' but most of the time is irrational.

I've TRIED talking to her. When I told her that I have never once hit my husband, she started to say that my son just makes her so mad and that she's never hit anyone else, just him because he frustrates her. Of course, that infuriates me that she blames him because it's like a wife beater blaming the wife... I told her she needs help because my husband makes me angry... I've never hit him. When I told her that it's a problem for me that she just left the baby in the house (esp. without telling anyone that was in the house) and she looked me eye to eye and said "you mean to tell me you never left any of your kids in the house by themselves.... EVER!?" and I said "NO!, not once... not ever!" I told her that most mothers would NEVER leave their baby that way. She kinda huffed and rolled her eyes... she just doesn't get it.

At least she is agreeing to leave the baby with me until she gets a place. When that happens, I will decide what to do because it could be a week or six months... I don't know how hard she will look. My son and I set up a bank account to put his pay into. I will pay her bills when she brings them to me and give her spending money. He signed a durable power of attorney and a "special power of attorney for parental acts" that he had the military notarize that basically allows me to take his place as parent while he is gone. Of course, I will talk to my attorney about all this and have her go over it all... she's been out of town and hasn't been able to see any of this yet.

This morning, I am driving him to San Francisco to get on his plane. She wants to go and she's been on her best behavior (around me) since she got released from jail. When we get back, I will tell her she needs to go find a place and not worry if she says she's sleeping in her car. I'm not sure she had to sleep in her car the other night, or if she's just telling my son that to get sympathy so he would give her another chance. She has other family and friends in the area... she grew up here. If we enable her, she will never find a place and nobody needs this kind of drama in their life.

SD is going to BM's this weekend and I'm sure she is going to make a big deal out of the police coming to our house with SD there... fortunately, all the police officer did at our house was take a report. The domestic dispute and arrest of his wife happened away from our house, but SD did hear the wife demanding to take the baby with her. I can only imagine the story SD will tell her... she puffs things as it is. There is something to look forward to.... (sarcasm intended)

You're strong and sensible Ima -- And you're taking solid, constructive steps. That's about as goos as things can be right now, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

(And I'd appreciate your take on my just-posted thread.)

Ima-

I am sorry that you have this drama on top of having your son go to Afghanistan. I don't have anything to offer to you - just that I will include you and your family in my prayers.

Best regards, Geri

Good luck in dealing with all of this IMA and please keep us posted.

Ima - OMG, You guys have a lot going on right now. First and foremost - I pray you son will be protected in Afghn - and his entire group will also be protected. I have a brother in the marines and now that deployments cause a lot of worry and stress. I also pray he and his group come back in the same mental condition or better than they are leaving in - no post stress syndrome.

The wife needs to get medicated to help her with the mood swings and probably get a pschy eval. Geez, i hope things work out cause her baby need both mom and dad.

It's been a week and DIL has only come to see her baby for ten minute visits... she has yet to change a diaper or make a bottle. She just comes in, picks him up.. says "mommy loves you!" and then she makes an excuse why she needs to go and can't take him with her for an hour or two. One time, she said the friend she's staying with grows (medicinal) marijuana and there are 10 people staying there so she can't take him for a while. He was soiled when she left him with DH one time. She said she would take him for the afternoon on Saturday & didn't show up until 7pm and stayed for about 5 minutes. She left when the baby would not look at her.. she told my daughter that she thinks the baby doesn't like her anymore because she couldn't get him to look at her. (He's 8 mos old!!!)

I talked to the DA about what charges, if any, they are going to file against her. They haven't even reviewed the police report. They suggested I file for custody if I want to keep him against her will.. at this point, she is agreeing for me to keep him until she has a place to live.

She got an apartment over the weekend and has been telling the baby that he's coming to live with her real soon... yet, she hasn't talked to me about it. She took him yesterday at 4 and said she'll drop him off at 6. Then called me at 5:30 to ask if I was home yet so she can drop him off early. My kids and I are supposed to help her move into the apartment today, so we'll see if she shows up.

When I got home last night, there was a card from CPS on my door. I need to call & find out what that is about, but it's probably because of Halloween night. I haven't called them yet but I am anxious to tell them my feelings/thoughts on everything and see what they think. I really want her to get help and I told my son that I would get her into a parenting class, counseling, etc. to help her take care of the baby but I won't be a 'baby drop' for her so she can go hang out with her friends, etc.(if she takes the baby) I told him that I am willing to keep the baby and she can see him whenever she wants so the baby has stability... I would like it to be voluntary, without the courts/cps. I also told him that I will do whatever I have to do in order to keep the baby safe, even if it means going against him and her.

"I will do whatever I have to do in order to keep the baby safe, even if it means going against him and her."

You're a good person, Ima, & I admire your backbone.

Stay strong, stay patient, stay diligent.

hugs
(first time I *ever* "hugged" online, so you know how strongly I believe in you).

Ditto Sylvia. I admire you taking this on and making sure that baby is ok at all costs, Ima.

wow, your hands are full, hang in there...good luck with everything

I really admire you, Ima. How old is the baby btw? How are things going?

He's 8 mos old. We're helping DIL move into her apartment today.

LOL, DIL called my son to tell him how we are putting HER off and not helping her move! I called her yesterday because we were waiting for her to call when she was ready... we're using our delivery truck to move her and at closing, I called to see if she was ready so we could bring the truck. She told me that tomorrow would be better for her, she had 'plans' for the evening... so, she is the one putting it off. She didn't even come to see the baby or call to ask about him yesterday. She is telling my son different. She told him that the baby has a terrible rash (making it sound like I am not taking good care of him?) yet she hasn't come to see him or take him to the doctor. He did get a sore on his leg that looks like a boil.. maybe from his diaper rubbing. (It's nearly healed and she didn't notice it for four days, until I told my son that she hasn't even changed a diaper since he left... so I guess she finally changed one and saw it) I asked my son if she is going to find him a doctor here and he told me that I should go ahead and find one because he needs to be seen to find out why he's getting those sores. I think he knows she's full of it or that she won't take him to the doctor... she just wants to complain about me doing it. (LOL, sounds familiar! But, I'm grandma... not SM to him)

Well, I went to talk with CPS yesterday morning. I still had DGS & the CPS worker told me that if DIL comes to get him, I should call her right away. My DD19 took the baby home while I was at work and DIL showed up at my work just before closing. I told her the baby is at home with DD and she said she is taking him. (DIL smelled of alcohol... like maybe hung over but hadn't bathed?) and when she came to the house, baby was asleep. She decided to leave the baby and said she'll pick him up when he wakes up. He was still there when I got home but then DIL came back and looked like she had showered. She said she would be back to get his playpen because she didn't have the screws to put his crib together yet. After she left, I talked to my son and he told me she took the baby to her mom's house for the night. (Just a week ago, she said her mom threw her out and wasn't talking to her.. so don't know if that's true) I have tried to talk to her mom & stepdad and they are not receptive to me. Her mom had one conversation while she was still pregnant where we agreed it would be a bad idea for her to move out of state, knowing my son is being deployed. Then, when it came time to move, they were supportive of her moving so I don't get where they are coming from. He also got paid today and it was direct deposited to DIL, not our joint account. (I guess he didn't do the change in time but his next check should go into out account) It makes me wonder if that is a reason her mom is talking to her again (for now) and helping with the baby?

In the last week, DIL got her hair done (colored, cut & styled) the day after my son left. Then she got her lip pierced. She was seen driving with someone yesterday by my daughter... she thought it was a guy but DIL drove off too fast. She got her apartment on Saturday but didn't move her stuff in until Wednesday and here it is Friday and I don't know if she is staying there or what she is doing.

CPS worker is going to her apartment this morning to talk to her. I guess it's all about waiting now... and worrying.

My son is leaving over the weekend and I guess when she called him yesterday (Veterans Day) he was at Applebee's because service members got a free meal. She accused him of going there to flirt with the waitresses and forbid him from leaving a tip. He called me last night to ask me if he eats hard cooked eggs that have been out for two or three days will make him sick. I asked him why he'd want to and he's living in their house with everything moved out so he has no other food in the house. I told him to order a pizza and he didn't want to waste the money. I practically lost it and told him that he's about to leave to Afghanistan and he deserves to order and eat WHATEVER he wants for the next three days and not to worry about what SHE says about it... it's HIS money, HE is working for it and HE is putting his life in jeopardy for it. He ordered a pizza and used the joint account we set up... probably so DIL won't see it. She gave him hell once because he bought a coke out of the machine after he had been under the moving truck, hooking up the car trailer in the heat when he was moving her to Georgia. She is UNBELIEVABLE!!!

Ima, this makes me cry. Seriously, I'm sitting here at work with tears welling up in my eyes!

I have seen things like this with a few of the people that have lived around my sister and BIL and it never ends up with one person changing and it all works out great.

Unfortunately, I would find a good attorney and have divorce and custody papers drawn up and ready for when your son wants to finally drop the hammer so it's quick.

I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but it probably won't get better while he's overseas. And it won't be better when he gets back. It will just fall back into the same pattern.

I know a couple who were both in the Navy and both on air craft carriers, but not at the same time. The wife decided to leave the husband and sent divorce papers to the ship. Turns out that he was in international waters they couldn't get divorced. Not very smart thinking on the wife's part since she'd already moved another guy into their house.

Well, she dropped the baby off again just before lunch time. She says he kept her up all night screaming at the top of his lungs and her neighbors asked her to quiet him down at 2am. I find it hard to believe because he barely makes noise when he wakes up at my house and she even commented that maybe he is used to his routine at my house.

She said she needed a couple of hours break and CPS worker said she seemed okay, there was no immediate danger and if I want to file for guardianship, it would prevent the pattern of her from taking him & dropping him off all the time. I will need to talk to my husband about that, but it seems like the only option. I was hoping she would do this by agreement so when my son comes back, he can take custody or they can make a decision then. I don't really want to involve the courts but she talks like she wants him & acts like I'm trying to take him away from her but when she takes him, she says she can't handle it and is all stressed out... after a couple of hours.

The *neighbors* heard him, & CPS said he's in no immediate danger???

Babies don't scream all night because they're "used to the routine" at your house;
they scream because they're in terrible distress.

Keep him all you can.

Smile pleasantly at her & agree with anything you have to agree with to make her happy to leave him with you.

holding all of you in my thoughts & in my heart.

Sylvia, Thank you!

She called me late in the afternoon and asked me if I wanted her to come pick up the baby. I told her to come by so I can talk to her. I told her that if she wants, I can keep the baby for a while. She said she should be all moved in by Sunday morning. (Well, of course... Friday night and Saturday are for partying...) But, I just said that I can tell she is overwhelmed doing this all by herself and if she wants to leave him with me indefinitely, that's okay. She mustered up "you mean FOREVER?" and I said no, just until you feel you can handle it alone. I offered to keep him during the nights and she can come pick him up during the day for a couple of hours to spend time with him... that way he would be stable and she could get sleep at night. She agreed!

I would much rather have it in writing because she can get a wild hair and change her mind at any time and take him... and from what I know of bi polar, that scares me. I am prepared to file guardianship the minute that happens. But for now, we are on agreement and honestly, I do feel bad for her. She has never had a 'mother' to teach her HOW to be a mother and her mental illness is not being treated. She said she went to her mom's last night for a while but told me that her mom flip flops between wanting her to stay or go... I don't know her mom well enough to know what is going on there. I know DIL may be lying to me about her mom's role.

Just to clarify about her "mom". DIL was born to drug addicted parents. (both of her biological parents are deceased from the drugs) She was removed and lived in foster care until she was adopted at age 7. Her adoptive parents divorced about a year later and she went to live with her adoptive father and he remarried. Her adoptive mom also remarried and DIL told my son that her stepdad raped her. (not sure if that's true but in my contacts with him, he is a complete JERK) So, she lived with her adoptive dad until she was 18 (and during that time, did two stints in rehab for alcohol addiction) and then he bought her a car and set her up in an apartment and paid the rent... my opinion is that a parent only does that if they are having problems with her or don't want her around. She was NOT in college) So, I know this girl has had a tough life and I am sympathetic to her... but my main concern is this 8 month baby that has no voice. I cannot help DIL unless DIL wants to be helped.