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norcalgirl00

Holiday angst - vent (very long)

norcalgirl78
12 years ago

Last Christmas, I really wanted to post something and even made a couple of efforts to draft a post, but never actually finished it. I think my distress and not knowing how to feel about the events of Christmas Day somehow precluded my actually following through. I know that there are many SMs on this board who deal with far worse on a regular basis, but I'm telling you right now I wouldn't be able to hack it (or maybe I mean "wouldn't choose it", with no judgment meant). Some of this is holiday worry is probably coming up for me right now because my FSD12 and FSD8 arrived yesterday.

Last Christmas, FDHs DD11 (at the time) and DD7 came to our apartment for Christmas. I really went all out - decorating, cleaning, cooking, taking them to see the Nutcracker ballet for their first time, taking time off work, buying and wrapping lots of gifts, etc. etc. To be fair, FDH handled 90 percent of their "care and feeding", as it should be, but I made big efforts to make the holiday special for all of us. The pre-agreed upon plan between BM and FDH was that they would leave December 26, the day after Christmas, with us driving and meeting BM and SF halfway (they live a good 7.5 hours from us). FDH does not have a car, so I drive those times, but he usually rents a car during their visits because (a) I bear all the financial responsibility for my car = I get all the rights (very expensive to put non-spouse on one's insurance) and (b) I work a lot and it's more convenient with kids for us to have 2 cars.

I digress. Christmas morning we opened gifts, and things seemed to go fine, although my feelings did end up getting hurt with some of what I perceived to be grumbling about "That's all?" once everything was opened. I also felt like the girls went on and on about all the great stuff that BM and her sister (their aunt) gave them that year. (Sigh.) We had no sooner cleared the breakfast dishes when BM calls on the house phone. FSD11 answers and starts getting really excited. She hangs up the phone and says BM says there's a big storm coming and BM's parents (girls' grandparents) have offered to buy plane tickets for the girls to fly home, but they have to leave TODAY!!

This of course starts a mad frenzy of excitement (Oh goody! Plane ride!) and running around gathering things up as I stand there in shock. FDH tells them this is a conversation he is going to have with BM, and that logistics of pick-ups and drop-offs are not arranged by the kids. (Go FDH!) He gets on the phone with BM in another room, while the kids are packing and running around, and I am standing there in disbelief, and a long conversation ensues. FDH told BM that she should have spoken with him first, that we have Christmas Day plans, and BTW, did her parents even look into flights, because hypothetically if we were putting the girls on a plane anytime that day, which of the 3 local airports would that be at and we would have had to leave 5 minutes ago!! What are the details of this supposed flight that is going to be so helpful? BM realizes she stepped in it and starts to boo-hoo and apologize, saying she listens to her overbearing mother without thinking and lets her boss her around.

Then BM wants to talk to FSD11, who dissolves into tears, and BM is crying ("Mommy is sorry, blah blah"). After that, FDH and FSD11 are arguing, FSD11 says she was homesick "anyway" and does not feel like spending eight hours in the car the following day, "no offense"! (Gee, I actually drive a BRAND NEW luxury car that at her age I would have been impressed by, and my brother and I went back and forth between our parents' houses every other weekend for OVER TEN YEARS in old cars and I don't recall anyone giving a good G*d damn if we "felt like it" or not!) It was one of those moments where I wanted to tell her that the world did not revolve around her, like I can't wait to drive 8 hours in the car at my expense and see BM all in one day, too! But I do it for them and for our family and we all know we can't say things like that to kids...)

Anyway, FDHs feelings were hurt, he slammed a door, FSD11 was crying, FSD7 was sitting on the floor by the Christmas tree looking down probably wanting to disappear, and I had no earthly idea how to handle the situation. I felt totally invalidated, as if everything I had done for them during the visit meant nothing and they couldn't wait to leave. And now the girls are all spun up about their lost chance to dramatically rush off to the airport and ride in an airplane home to mommy.

I know BM put FSD11 in a terrible situation. So I was mad at BM. I was mad (fairly or not) at FSD11 saying she was homesick because I saw how FDH was crushed and sad, but I probably shouldn't have been. I was mad that FSD11 seemed totally unappreciative and unaware of our (FDHs and my) feelings and wishes for us to be together and not have our Christmas ripped away from us. (They come like 3-4 times a year is all.) And maybe I was the MOST angry that I had somehow let BM reach into my home, stir the pot, and I stood there like a deer in headlights waiting for the "parents" to make the decisions so I could hop-to!

I ended up going to take a shower and just crying in there because our apartment is small and I didn't know where else to go. We were supposed to meet up with some of my girlfriends who have children (I do not) for a Christmas dinner and child-centered festival, but I was so miserable I cancelled. Half of me wanted to go alone, just to show them that I don't have to sit home and be sad, but I didn't want to leave FDH alone without me on Christmas. Then when I didn't go, even though I no longer felt festive, I felt like FSD11 ruined it for me and that I let BM's actions spoil my day. Like I abdicated my right to have fun because of this bullsh*t. I was so conflicted I refused to speak to anyone for several hours until I could calm down. FDH said FSD11 was so sorry and crying so much he implored me to let her come in and talk.

We talked, and I told her how much the time together means to us, and that it was OK to be homesick but to remember how what we say affects others. (Interestingly, on the way to the ballet we'd gotten lost, and FDH and I got a little testy with each other in the car about it. FSD11 piped up and said she doesn't like being in "a stressful environment"! She implied that we have a stressful life and it isn't good for her. Well, excuse me!!!

I told her on Christmas that if she was young lady enough to say how she feels, then she is young lady enough to know that her actions ALSO affect others and when there is drama on my holidays and stress and others' inconsiderate behavior, I DON'T LIKE IT EITHER. The day ended on a subdued note with us playing games and drawing together quietly, just staying in.

When we did the drop-off the next day, BM could barely look at me. I'm sure my eyes were probably flaming. If the kids wouldn't have been there, I would have told her not to ever, ever do that to us again, but I didn't have the chance. Don't disrespect our limited time with the kids, and don't force kids to solve adult problems and then cry because you don't THINK with your brain. Interestingly, even though she caused all this, no one was mad at HER (except me, and FDH). To the girls she is still Mom, and they were happy to see her. While I just got the short end of the stick, again.

I can tell you that I've spent multiple Christmas holidays all alone living in foreign countries, and I would rather have EVERY Christmas like those than one more EVER like THIS. Maybe I am just too sensitive to be an SM. Why spend life like this, when you can be free?? This year isn't our year to have the girls (we have Thanksgiving, obviously) and I am looking forward to a quiet holiday alone.

I guess I don't have a question, other than to (finally) get this off my chest, get any reactions, and maybe, learn how other people walk the line between managing their own household without looking like the devil and waiting to be told what kind of holiday you're going to have. I have feelings too! I deserve a nice Christmas too, even if I am 33 years old. I don't want to feel like a doormat, but I also don't want to be unkind, especially to people who are still becoming who they will be. I don't know if I scarred these kids for life, if I handled things right. When I think back to the holidays in our family, there was nothing like this. My parents were (and are) civilized, organized, and respectful. Everything was planned, my brother and I were not involved in those discussions, and no one ever put this kind of crap on us.

I love this man, but if I could rewind to 2006, I might just RUN.

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