I could maybe understand of it were a career move to better his chances of sending his son to college (aka ability to put more away for education) and better benefits that would be beneficial to child...but a GF?

No wonder the guy is chicken to tell his kid. Wonder how that goes 'I'm dumping you for a GF'? Mom is going to have to tell him if Dad refuses to as the child will wonder why his father suddenly poofed and stopped seeing him on weekends. If Dad has not told him by the day or two before his exit I think it would be ok for Mom to carefully tell him Dad is leaving. The kid will be crushed but Dad just taking off without saying goodbye would be terrible. I'd not let the guy get away with no goodbye. I don't think it's up to Mom to necessarily tell son the 'why', let Dad do the 'why'.

My SS lives a good ways away from SGS but it's not as far as what your case it about to be. SS does not let the distance stop him from seeing SGS, but again it's like 9 hours drive and SS makes it on a regular basis.

The guy has not mentioned at all about visitations or anything? Jerk. Does he even have a job he when he gets there? Guys wages can be 'hit' if he has a job...but if he quit his job he won't even have unemployment benefits will he?

I'm sure your GF is upset. Not just the guy running off but the uncertainty of how things will be now (CS, vistations, perhaps a GF butting in ect).

She should probably call her lawyer and see how this all might change the parenting plan. If she does not have one, she should see about maybe getting one. No verbal agreements, she wants it court approved and legally documented.

I agree with jmt, your girlfriend needs an emergency hearing for child custody, visitation, support, like yesterday. My ss's bm moved to another state about 5 hours away. She left for a bf... just up and quit her job one weekend when we had ss then texted dh that she left the state and we were to keep ss. She didn't want to go thru the court. That was Oct 24, 2010, we were in court Oct 28, 2010.... it became permanent and she was ordered to pay child support.... and it's only $56 per week... so your $175 sounds wonderful to me. :) We were stuck telling ss that mom left him. She made up some aweful sob story about her ex threatening her so ss doesn't think she left him for the bf... but he'll know when he's older. He'll figure it out.

This boy is going to be VERY hurt. You're going to have to be understanding with him, probably some therapy. She really really does need to get this done through the legal system...... who gives a crap about peace at this point.

I have no advice but kinda went through that anger when my SD12's mom moved away almost five years ago after knowing the guy two weeks. She only moved 3 hours away but it was a significant loss because they had 50/50 and she went from everyother week to six days a month... and the mom hardly spends that with her. It is devastating to the child. So sorry for him.

If the GF can, she might consider taking him to court to get a child support order if they have nothing in writing or legal right now. Even if they do, she should modify it to adjust for having the child more time since he is probably being given some credit for time spent with the child, which is going to change significantly.

One thing I'm wondering is how long he's known this new GF? If it's one of those "met on the internet & fell in love" situations, things may change drastically when he moves down there... I mean, once all the rose colored glasses come off. It doesn't sound like this guy is much into planning or thinking through decisions if he's moving in two weeks & hasn't even told his son.. especially if he just told the mom.

I agree with JMT, there NEEDS to be a valid court order in your home state. If there is nothing filed in the courts, there may not be any way for her to stop him from filing a case in his new state once he establishes legal residency & then she will be traveling there for court & bound by the laws of that state. Consult an attorney ASAP.

I guess I wasnt clear on a couple things...they have legal court orders for CS (I think i was wrong, it may be 125 not 175 now that I think about it) and custody, it's just that over the years, when he's been short or late with the support, she's let it slide in order to keep the peace....she thinks she probably loses out on about 500 to 1000 a year due to this, might not sound like a lot, but to her it is, a single mom on her own in NYC. Per the divorce agreement, he is NOT supposed to move out of state, but she sees no benefit to trying to have this enforced, if she does, SHE will be the "bad guy" for not allowing to "find happiness"....oh brother.

To answer an earlier question, no he does not have a job lined up. He's quitting a job he's been at for 12 years to do this. WTF? My father told me when I started my professional career...you NEVER leave a job unless you have one lined up...I guess he never got that talk. Now he's not exactly in a "professional" career...but still, to up and leave a job you've been at for 12 years?

I just txted her...the dad came over and told him. She said he is inconsolable....she couldn't talk, i'll get more info tomorrow. Man this sucks. What kind of father sticks around for 8-9 years then abandons his son...for a girl he realistically barely knows? I don't get it....I understand yes if there was a once in a lifetime career opportunity...to provide for the child. But this is definitely not the case.

My answer might be a bit different here...honestly, my first thought is "Good". Here's why - barring some kind of temporary insanity or bump on the head, in my opinion anyone who would just abandon their child like this is incredibly selfish. Not just from an emotional standpoint (I cannot imagine most people would willingly leave their kids, given the choice), but from a moral and legal one (taking emotion out of it, the child is this man's responsibility. I don't care if he was the result of a one night stand, the guy never met him before and he suddenly showed up as a twelve year old brat on his front doorstep - it is his child, his responsibility, if that makes sense? And of course he'd be violating a court order to move.

So - what kind of role model would this guy be? He's got no respect for the law, no respect for himself and his responsibilities as both a parent and an adult, and not enough love for his son that he'd put him over some random piece of *ss in Florida. The less the child sees of him the better, I think.

Yes, he'll be devastated. I think the advice so far is great - I'd also suggest trying to surround the boy with caring male adult figures. MKroopy, you sound like a great dad, but since you are Mom's BF that might get a bit sticky - I'm thinking Big Brothers, an uncle, a grandfather, a kindly elderly neighbor.... someone who would care about this boy and model how a man should act.

I'm sure some of you may disagree; I'm feeling a bit jaded with the whole "it's always best for a child to have regular on-going contact with their bio-parents right now". I don't agree that that is always the case if bio-parents are scumballs - and this guy is a scumball.

mattie, I've told my GF that very same thing....that him NOT being around as much might actually benefit him, since no, he is not a very good role model. The weekends he goes to his dads, it's pretty much just hanging out, junk food, movies and video games....you know, the "easy" type of parenting. Never helps him with school projects, takes him to a museum or anything, plus he just has a very negative outlook on things.

I've always tried to be very wary of not trying to be too much of a father figure for this kid, because coming from the other side of the fence, I would be furious if my ex's BF tried to be like that with my kids, but honestly, I've done so much more with him than his father has in the 3+ years since I met him. He's gone camping, fishing, snowboarding, hiking with me and my kids and our friends....all these are things that were firsts for him. Now I get that this is partially because I live "upstate" and his dad lives in NYC and all that....but like I said, there are plenty of things you can do in NYC besides getting a slice and going to the movies, and that seems like all he ever does.

He does have an awesome aunt and uncle who are both well grounded, successful and have two boys that he is close to, so at least there are other male role models in his life...which is good.

So I think this might not be a bad thing for his development from a boy into a man....but it still doesn't erase the abandonment feelings he must have.

I'm worried about GF getting some rude surprises coming though. While she (and child) might be ok without dads influence around...what happeings when the fleeing Dad suddenly announces he'd like his son to come visit Florida over the entire Christmas break or all next summer?

If he wants to move, let him move, but get the court orders changed to protect BM and child's rights. Dad's moving calls for a change in circumstances and a modification of whatever was agreed to 8 or 9 years ago. Immediately while the idiot might be feeling guilty about dumping the kid might be the best chance of getting solid modifactions agreed to without too much of a fight.

If the child has to occassionally go visit, who has to pay transpo ect? It was one thing to not be a big deal while Dad lived in the area, but you're talking much larger expense NYC to Florida. Perhaps she can even get visits where Dad would have to come the child's way (no taking kid out of state) if he intends to have visits at all.

Are the child's grandparents on father's side involved at all? If they are and are stable loving grandparents she might consider letting son see them occassionally so son does not feel entire side dumped him. They should not automatically lose seeing the grandson just because their son is an idiot. Of course, if GF's son is not attached to these grandparents, dont force that part on the child. And if GF can't trust the grandparents, don't allow unsupervised visits.

jmt - you are right on top of many things. The boy has visited FL with his dad for a week twice, back in the spring and early summer. My GF was OK with this...of course he had a great time, they went to water parks and amusement parks and all that. Also, she told me this am that she will petitioning for full custody since he is violating the agreement and moving out of state.

I know my GF hopes her son will be invited down often...she is not trying to "punish" the ex for this in any way....she just feels awful that his father could bail out on him like this. Although I know she is worried that her ex will try to guilt her into paying for the airfare. Like I said, despite living with his parents (and he's in his early 40's...wtf?) and not paying rent, he never has any money (enough for cigarettes though...grrrrr), and in the past has asked for my GF to pay for her son's plane tix one of the times, of course she said no...it's HIS girlfriend they were visiting, why would she pay for the tix?

My opinion would be that her ex would be responsible for ALL transportation costs any time he visits....I really don't see how anyone (but her ex probably) would see it any other way.

My GF has talked to her ex's mother, and yes they have talked about having him visit his grandparents even after the ex moves....I thought that was good.

OMG! This kid's dad sounds like he could be my X (except for living in NYC and moving to Florida)! My X does the same things...doesn't do any parenting thing, never has any money (except for ciggarettes and what HE wants), is generally a bad role-model, etc. I actually had to re-read your posts several times to make sure. LOL!

I think your advice to your GF is spot-on, and my heart breaks for your SS. My own DS is 12 and I know how important stability is at a very unstable time in their lives.

One thing my X uses all the time to put a guilt-trip on my DS is "going back on the road" as a long-haul truck driver. While I think it would be great because he'd be out of the way most of the time, X uses it as a threat that he'll be "gone" and DS won't see him.

One thing to be wary of is this GF in Florida and the poison she can be. My X's GF is the reason for most of the problems DS has when he spends time with his dad, and she is also the one putting ideas in X's head, such as I "tricked" him into buying his own son baseball cleats.

My point is that you never know what he will do once he gets there. He's already proved he can be volitle by just up and quitting a stable job.

Hey mkroopy, sorry to hear your GF's son has to go through this. The whole situation sucks.

I don't know if the son is better off without the dad around or not, but I would echo what others have said and make sure your GF gets the court order updated to reflect this change.

From what I've read on divorce forums, whichever parent moves away is responsible for all transportation costs.

At any rate, I'm glad the kid has you in his life as a positive role model.

just exactly every single thing Mattie said.

plus...

Stay out of it,
disengage,
take a step back & smile encouragingly at your girlfriend but don't offer opinions.

(Do as I say, not as I did!)

I wish the 3 of you the best.

I want to point out a legal correction. Sorry imma-- no offense. I just have experience here and want to state something. Just bc dad moves to another state and establishes his residency does not give him legal grounds to change the case to his new state. The case stays where it was issued as Long as the child stays in that state. Dad can move where he wants but as long as the child stays in that state jurisdiction stays there. AND if the child were to move states, the parent would still have to get the court to grant a change in jurisdiction.

Mk I am sorry for your gf's son. That is going to be very hard for him. I know that I am normally an advocate of therapy but I would hold off until issues begin to surface. With support and love, mom can be a huge positive for him and he may not need therapy. The wound is raw right now but with patience and understanding, it will heal.

I hope that dad will figure out a plan so that he can continue to be a part of his child's life. Suggest skype so that they can chat in the evenings or on days that he normally Would go to dad's. My brother is deployed right now and is skyping every night. It's free. I do think some legal action needs to be taken so that everything is clear and set. Your gf won't need an attorney. It can be mutually agreed on and submitted to the courts. Who will be responsible for transportation is very important to make clear. Since dad is creating the distance dad needs to pay for transportation. However that might be difficult if he doesn't have a job. Splitting holidays and dad having the majority of summer is how most long distance agreements go. Dad needs to be held responsible for keeping in touch with his kid. My fear is 'out of site out of mind' will kick in and his contact will fade. Mom should encourage a positive relationship (as hard as these parents make it) and encourage her son to call his dad, email, send cards, pictures etc.

Good luck to her and to you. You are going to be the man male role in his life but I have no doubt you will do a fantastic job.

The boy is going to be hurt.

My stepkids have been to heck and back with their biological mother pulling the exact same thing! She moves in and out of state on whims. Some of hte times she never had the guts to even tell the kids or say goodbye and it has done a lot of damage to my stepkids. This last time (a few months ago) she called us the day before she was moving to tell me and ask me to break it to the kids for her. I nicely told her she had to see them and say good-bye. I even drove them to her for it to happen.

With my stepkids mom we have tried to help her keep in contact with the kids from out of state in the past, but she just is a piece of crap and does the out of sight out of mind approach.

But some ideas for helping your stepson keep in touch with his dad are:
-Skpye calls online (free video calls)
-scheduled phone call times a few days a week
-writing e-mails
-writing letters and making artwork to mail to his dad (and his dad writing letters back)
-letting him use you cell phones to text with his dad

Good luck!!

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I have no doubts that he will be pretty good about keeping in touch....he has called his son every nite since I've known my GF...even if just for 5 min to say goodnite, but I will try to keep an eye out to see it he starts to skip nights, because yes, out of sight, out of mind is a very real worry. But yes the Skype thing is a good idea, I use it to touch base with my son when he gets home from school...nothing like making visual contact.

Mom has always been good about trying to foster a good relationship between them and has never tried to "poison" his opinion of his dad by bringing up his shortcomings, as easy as it would be. I see no reason why she would change. I think in time she'll be ok with it. It will definitely take some of the stress out of her life, that's for sure. Whenever he comes back from a weekend with his dad, she feels like she almost has to "reprogram" him...he comes back with a snippy, sarcastic attitude...a few days with dad and there's a noticeable change. This is one thing I don't think she will miss at all...lol.

SS bm hardly talks to ss at all anymore. I counted and she had him a total of 6 times last year... yes, she got him for 7 weeks at summertime but she was supposed to have him once a month. 6 times TOTAL. They do treat it as an out of sight out of mind issue. What really ticks me off is that now... she's feeling guilty again so she's sending him a gift again.... yet her child support payment has yet to be paid for the month. ALWAYS something else, if your gf lets him off without a court order for specific things then he'll never do it. My dh is waiting for the Title IV D office to finally garnish her wages. I was hoping for this past paycheck since she has been avoiding dh like the plague.... but my cs posted and his hasn't yet... so I'm guessing not.

Imma - I don't understand!!!! How do mom's do this?? I don't understand why a dad would do it either but I can see that men (no offense) not all men.. Just a lot of men I know... Can be without their kids. They expect they won't have full residential custody, mom's have always kept their kids ... Ya know what I mean? It's becoming more common for men to have either joint custody 50/50 or residential custody but for my whole life I never knew mom's that didnt have their kids. When my dad left my mom, I was 2. My mom had to go to work. I went and 'stayed' at my grandma's for about a year but my mom called every day, many times a day and she got me on the weekends. My grandparents lived too far to just 'keep' me during the day and my mom couldn't afford child care at the time.. It took about 10 months for her to get on her feet financially and to start receiving CS in order to be able to afford it. She didn't walk away from me though. I've been told by my grandma and my brother and sister that it was the hardest thing she ever had to do but it was only temporary and she was THERE. She still provided for me and saw me etc. I would never blame my mom for the hard decision she had to make. I don't even remember it so that was probably the best thing for us at the time. But to move out of state and leave your kids, for another man, NO ONE comes before my kids!! I remember being faced with this same situation because of finances so I made the choice to move back home to my parents so I could still have my daughter full time. I could have let her stay with her dad, moved into a smaller place, paid a little CS which would have been no doubt cheaper than child care but the thought of it made me sick!!

I don't get this Dad either. He calls his son every night to say good night?? That's an involved dad!! And to move 1000 miles away! Makes NO sense and if it were me I would be very angry because then I would have to pick up his pieces!!

There are many many many times that I want to shout at my Dd 'your dad is an idiot!! He did NOT hang the moon! I hung it for him and I continue to hold it up for him!!' but the mere thought of my dd's heart breaking stops me every time!! If she knew the truth and she knew that her daddy isn't who she thinks he is, she would be devastated. I think most of us normal mom's know that and don't want to be the reason our kids are hurting. Which is what I'm sure your gf feels. Sounds like she puts her son first and his feelings. She has every right to be angry.

Well, he did it...hopped on a plane to FL this morning....no job lined up or anything. And to top it off, yesterday was his son's 12th birthday, and my GF was up with him 'till after 11 last night consoling him as he cried and cried...saying "why mom...why?" I wish I had something to tell her to make it easier on her...but I don't, she is so upset.

I can't tell you how pissed I am at him...I'd take a f*cking 2x4 to his head right now if I could. How do you move away from your ONLY child when he is 12 years old? What a f*cking loser...

You're right mkroopy, he is a POS, though at least he told him upfront he was leaving. My ss bm sent him to us for the weekend then took off to new state and texted my dh she wasn't coming back and to go ahead and enroll ss in our school. She didn't bother to call him and talk to him either, dh had to explain everything. All of his stuff was still at his old school, this was a Sunday and we enrolled him on Monday. I was not home when dh got the text, he called me and I cried too. I was happy for dh but so sad for ss. BM also had no job.... she just left for the man. There isn't much that will make it easier for you to say or for her to say to him except that it's got nothing to do with him. He did nothing wrong. We told ss that his mom just felt that the best thing for him was to be with us. I hated having to make her look ok to him but we did it gritting our teeth.

Good luck to her!

If you find a way to take a 2x4 to his head without any punishment, let me know.... I'd love to do the same with bm.

One more thing, mkroopy, my ds11's sperm donor moved to Florida once.... he actually got permission from the judge. He moved there for a girl as well. (He's never had anything to do with my son so I didn't fight it) He got a job at a carwash when he got there. I got a support check for $15 from down there. Just one cause he only lasted in Florida for 2 weeks. So maybe, just maybe this will be the case with this pos. It hasn't been with ss's bm but it was with this guy.

I told my GF that most likely he will be back (but cautioned her not to say that to her son, don't want to build false expectation in case I am wrong). From what I've heard (my GF met her once or twice when she was up in NYC), the girl he is moving to be with sorta has her sh*t together, decent job, owns a condo, has a car, etc.... Not sure why she'd want to be with a guy who's lived with his parents for 8-9 years without paying rent, who never has any money, has virtually no career ambition, etc. I think (and hope) she will give him the boot when she realizes what a piece of work he really is.....