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I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Posted by jayc2006 (My Page) on
Tue, Nov 14, 06 at 15:53

Hello I am new here.
I read some post on this site and I think I can be very honest here about how I feel about my stepson.

Well, longs story short, I have been with my fianc going on 5 years, living with him going on 3 years and I have my own son from a different relationship, my fianc has been a father to him since he was 3.

Anyhow, You know that saying that people say "You dont really know someone until you live with them" ITS 100% True. Before we lived with my fianc and his son everything was great until he moved in. Before his stepson was a doll, I liked being around him we had a lot of fun together.

Now he is a little monsters, he is 10 year old, he is lazy, does not want to do the two little chores that he split with my 8 year old son, one does Sat the other is Wed, which is just to completely clean there rooms and clean the bathroom thats all. They are to keep there room neat on a regular. However my step son is a complete slob, his room is so messy most of the times, I have to always get on him for that, his father tells him to clean it but does not enforce it. Besides being lazy, he is disrespectful, I am always fighting with him and his father about that, he wants what ever my son has. THIS is the One thing that puts me over the top, everything my son has he wants, someone give my son something he wants it too, even if they gave him something too he still wants what my son has. Ex: my son gets a Spiderman toy, he gets a Hulk Toy, he wants to get that toy too, another one is my step son has a bunch of eraser, big, small, long, I buy my son a pen eraser my stepson tells me can you buy me one too.I ask Why do you want me to by you this eraser when you have so many, he said because I dont have that one.

This little boy makes me so irritated, puts me in a bad mood.and I have him from Sunday Friday, when they first moved in it was Monday Thursday and that I could live withI really hate having him all theses days now. He gets along with my son but he goes through these mood swings.where one minute he is playing around and the next he is hitting my son with all his might. I try to make my best effort to do something on the one day that I have my son to myself and this kid is always so jealous about it..I really can not stand him, especially when I have to be alone with him with out his dad, he thinks that he does not have to listen to me, and them I feel like the bad guy because I have to punish him, or tell his dad.
We go on vacation, we all have funbut when we are home I really resent him. And all his father says to me is well if he was your real son then you will deal with himI told him if he was my real son he would not be the way he is with me, because he would have gotten it along time ago..and the fact is he is not my son. I deal with himbut everything he does bothers me, everything.

Is this normal to hate your stepchild? To hate being a stepmombecause his mother is an ass$#$%# who does not put any money into her son and anytime in his school workI deal with school issues, school, teachers, homeworks and more.so yes I have all the responsibilities of a mom and mom power.and all this makes me dislike him even more.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I too hate my SD - she is just like your SS only she is 16. Her room is gross. It doesnt get any better...sorry to say. I hate being a stepmom too and I can't wait for the day when she is out of my house for good. You sound normal to me..its these kids that are the problem.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

WOW. You call yourself stepmom with this attitude?
jayc2006, it sounds like this little 10 year old boy is very much love starved. He equals stuff with love. He sees you giving love to your son and he wants, really needs, same love but knows to ask it by asking to get the same things your son gets. I feel very sorry for him.
I hope that you will find in your heart to change your attitude and the way you interact with him. I am sure then you will see changes in his behavior as well.
Good luck, and no, I do not think it is OK or normal to hate any child. By the way I have 3 step kids, 2 my own and I have 7 grand step kids and I love them all.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I can relate to both of you. I too am tired of my stepkids. They are adults now but put me through 6 years of hell and continue to attempt to cause friction in our marriage. I believe it had to with their up bringing and their bio mom. They are soooooo very spoiled and inconsiderate of others (especially me). I do not care to spend anytime with them and dread seeing them. I feel bad for my DH and feel guilty for the way I feel about his children. I really tired to get close to them, however they always pushed me away and disrespected me in many ways. Because of all the mental abuse they caused me I can't stand them. It is so very sad. Your not alone.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I feel awful for the stepchildren of the posters on this forum who who have stated that they hate them. I agree with punamytsike - no child should be hated.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Jayc - he's not your step child. He's your live-in boyfriend's son. You've all lived together for 3 years; it was great before you moved in together.

You say "fiance". Is that official or in word only? Are you waiting to get married for a particular reason? (I'm not asking what it is ... not my business). Do you have a ring and a date? Could it be that the boy perceives the lack of committment and feels insecure? You're your son's real mother; you're not his mom or step mom - you're "only" his dad's squeeze.

I'm using these words because they were voiced to me in another situation ... I'm not meaning to be rude. Kids are smart.

Suzieque


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I really dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Ok, just reread my post and realize that I didn't really make my point that I'm wondering if the situation, as it is, may be a part of the problem. Could the 10 year old be feeling insecure that your son is your son, biologically, formally, every way, but that he's "just" your boyfriend's son and, perceivably to him, less?

Does he want everything that your son has, including you?

S


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Sometimes I find this forum utterly depressing. I am of the opinion that it is the ineffective parenting of the biological parents that makes for MOST of these situations. (Not all, mind you, but MOST) It is very difficult to see my way to placing blame on the children.

I love my stepkids with all of my heart, body, and soul. I do not understand the concept of hating any of them. We all have a choice when we marry and the idea of choosing to marry someone who has children that we don't like or that cause family pain confuses me. Why would one do that?

I'm sorry that there is so much hate in the stepfamilies out there. It deeply, deeply saddens me because I know that those children can be the ultimate joy in life--whether I squeezed them out or not.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I just want you all to know I too think no child (even adult children should be hated), however, a step parent can only do so much. I tried everything for these kids to interact with me pleasantly and treat me with respect. But, ever time I turned around they were doing something mentally abusive. Stealing my items and denying it, attempting to get my DH with other single women and even DH back with the ex (their mom), doing the oppisite of what we requested, the list goes on and on. I really believe bio mom was behind many of the acts they attempted. It's even more abusive because they were old enough to know better. I also think they want me out of the picture because they think I will take over their dad's money, which they feel is theirs. They are very money hungry chidren. I have always taken care of myself and do not need husbands money, but we decided to combined our incomes when we married. I think this made the kids mad, because they want dh's money and stocks. I too believe it has to do with how they are raised, as manipulative, uncaring, rude, self centered, etc. individuals. They seem to be nice to people they think they can get something that involves money from. These are the facts. Like I said it is sad very sad.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

punamytsike, theotherside, suzieque, Yes I call myself a stepmother and I have every right to call myself that.

I may not like my stepson at times but I don't hate him like you guys think, let me correct myself I hate the things he does and sometimes he can try my patience. One time or another we everyone goes through this (I am not fake, I don't walk around like an angel either and say OOO no I a bad person for feeling this way- I am human just like you are and everyone has bad thoughts- no one is perfect).

I don't treat "MY STEPSON" any different then my own son, I buy my step son everything, when I shop for my own son, I shop for him, everything is equal. I buy my son a toy, I buy him a toy, I buy my son a coat, and I buy him a coat. I buy something for my son room I buy him, I do all his birthday parties.I go to all his events, I am the person who takes him to football practice, I go to all the teachers meetingsI take him to the doctor and take care of him when he is sick

...they are treated the same, equally...I am not a monster, I am not bad to him at all....he always whats to be with me instead of his own mother....I sit everyday and do homework with him, I sit down and study for his test with him, I take him with me to everywhere when he is with me.....but theres nothing wrong if I dislike or hate the way he is,
He drives me nuts but if you ask him if I am bad to him .he will say NOOOOOOOO.you crazy.

Whether you want to say nooo the truth is that raising someone elses kid when the Bio mom is involve (even if it is two days, especially when the Bio mom resents you for taking care of her son) is very hard work, very stressful, its not easy at all and it is 100% different then raising your own children no matter what you say or thinkit is.

He is never satisfied with anything you give him, and he is always looking at what everyone else has....he is always asking for whether he has it or not and it becomes very annoying when you buy something for a kid and he said why did nt you get me that one too....he is never satisfied at all. I talk to him and talk to him..but he is still the same..then he can be very mean to my son.he says some very mean things to him and like I wrote before.him and my son can be playing and all of a sudden he decides he does not want to play anymore and hits my son with all his might. This kid is very heavy handedand my son is skinny and gets bruise very fast.the other day he swung a wet towel at my son with all his might and marked his face.now how do you explain this to you own childs family when they ask why he has a mark.do you know how that feels? To keep having to explain that it was my stepson.

Also My stepson is going on 11, my son just turn 8 ...he is not always going to get the same things my son gets.....as for him whating me too.....I show them both loveI hug them both and kiss them both. But yes at the same time I dont.

I am his step mom....yes I am a women who is living with him but I am his step mom...more so his mom...because I do everything for him....his teachers Know me not his real bio mom.....all his friends know me...everyone sees....I am entitle to express my feeling you know.....you don't need to feel sorry for him.... because I am not bad to him.

O yeah, My boyfriend is my fianc, yes I have a ring, and I am marring him because I love him.

When he moved in everything was fine until I BECAME A FULL TIME STEPMOM.....I was fine with Mon-Thurs....now I have him Sun-Fri.....the only day I get for my son is Sat. and no days for myself at all.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

jayc2006, let me first apologize, as the stepmom question was directed to the post above mine, to "stepmom", not you. Reading later I understood that it can be misinterpreted.
You do not need to defend your actions here. I believe that you are taking care of and spending lots of your time with this boy. I was trying to point out that there are obviously emotional needs that are not fulfilled. He seems insecure, somewhat unbalanced and very unhappy. If you can find a way to reduce or solve those issues, then you will have happier boy and better relationship. If you let it go and give up, then it will only get worse. In couple of years you have to deal with hormones and teenager.
I am not sure, but it might be worth to consult a professional in this case.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Give her a break. Emotions are not always something anyone can control. You can reason with your self and say I don't hate. But some times you just do. You can not just turn off your feelings. She is showing him love and care she is expressing to us not him how she feels. And asking for some support on how to deal with how she can not help feeling.
So offer some advice on how to get her self and her step son back on ttrack. Its also the age he is 3 years older then he was. Many kids do act up at this age.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I will be honest with you. Your fiancee here is a bigger problem. The fact that he has literally dumped this child onto you and worse his mother wants nothing to do with him is why you resent the situation. And if your fiancee doesn't get off his darn lazy A** and fix your stepsons attitude and set some ground rules it will get worse and your son will pay for it dearly. I became very angry reading that your stepson beat on your son. Let me tell ya, that is where i draw the line personally. I would have told your fiancee to discipline him and straighten him out and take some responsibility for his son or move out. I feel sorry for your stepson because he is crying for love but the mood swings must be adressed for safety of your son and for others at school. The child is feeling neglect cause his father is not dealing with him. And i would suggest to bring him to his mom more often.
You are doing the right thing for treating them equally but it will never be enough because you are the biological mother of your son and that is what he is craving for. He wants that love. All boys want their mommy. Its a psychological thing. I would suggest councelling but most of all talk with your fiancee. He must step up to the plate. Cause if he doesn't, i would not marry this man. I'm sorry, but i wouldn't. You can love him very much but the situation will break you apart if it is not fixed and now. For his son and your relationship.
ANd yes, its normal to hate a child. That is a human emotion. Yes hate is a strong word and people get weirded out because you are putting hate and child in the same sentence. But yes , you hate the things he does not really him. But still, i know where you are coming from. I have a nephew God help me, but i really cannot stand him! He is so spoiled. And just being in the same room breaks my every nerves!And its not just me. At my wedding, the entire family on my husbands side completely disliked this kid. to the point of hate. HE was also beating on a 1 1/2 year old. Dragged him across the hall and poor kid. His father was livid!! the little boys father. I had a talk with his parents but it was like talking to a freakin wall.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

fivemeows,organic_maria - Thank you very much for your comment it made me feel sane and thank you to everyone whether negative or not.

I just want to clear something up....my stepson does not literly beat my son up....but he is very loose with his hands...and my skinny 8 year old is as tall as he...I tell my son to defend himself...but I don't except fighting at all....this is a on going issue that my faince an I have talked to him about. But i get upset with the way my faince handles this because he will say that they both started it....and not actknowlege that his son has loose hands...my son does not get up and hit him at all ...I don't know where he gets this from and this gets me so mad.

As for my fiance not being there he is very involve with his son's life and does everything with him too, he does go to all his events, he is very involve with his school....but your right he has dumped most of the resposiblity on me.... he decided without talking to me that his son was going to live with us full time. He owns his own business and he is very busy with that. He trys to be home Mondays- Wednesday at 6pm and the other days he is home at 10 or 11pm...I get home at 5:30pm so I am stuck with cooking while helping the kids with HW or Studing with them....its hard.

Again thank you to everyone I am glad to know that I am not alone and that how I feel is not bad...that its just a human thing...you understand I have been very upset about feeling this way...about dreadig Sundays because I knew he was coming...not knowing whether he was going to come back home with additude or not...whether he is coming home to be disrespectful or not.....what gets me more mad is that I feel like the bad guy all the time...because I have to always repermand him about it while his dad just agrees with me and does not really say or do anything about untill he disrespects him.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

To Punamytsike - I would prefer not to be a "stepmom"! Had i know then what i know now i wouldn't have gotten remarried. Like Jayc2006 states, you never really know someone until you live with them. my SD was all nice and sweet for about the 1st year or two then she became the biggest B----. She is spiteful, does stuff deliberately and I can't even begin to tell you what her room looks like. You would think i was raising a 2 year old, not a 16 year old that knows better. She doesn't realize how good she has it with us since her mom is a druggie and in & out of jail yet SD does not appreciate a darn thing and I'm fed up with it. Don't say that I'm the one with an attitude until you've walked in my shoes!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

"stepmom" I have walked in your shoes. I have SD who is now 30 and has her own kids. She hated me when she lived with us and she lived with us when she was 15 until 19 years old. She made me the bad guy, the reason of all her unhappiness. So I can imagine how unpleasant it can be for you. The fact remains that your SD is a child, teenager, very difficult time even if she would be your blood and you are adult. You can adjust your attitude and how you react to her behavior.
You and jayc2006 cannot expect loving respectful behavior towards you while you both feel such resentment towards your SC. The kids feel it mile away and it affects how they react to you. It is not important that their behavior has caused this resentment. They will not be able to change their attitudes unless you can find a way to change yours first. You are the adult. I know it is not easy. As I said earlier, I have been there. Done all the work and gotten no appreciation or simple thank you in return. But this is what is means to be a step mom or mom for that matter, you do work because you love them and that is your job, not because you expect appreciation or thank you.
So to help you, you have to help yourself first.
I truly wish good luck to both of you.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Sorry that you took my posts as negative. I was trying to think as the child might be thinking and figure out why he's so difficult. I still think that there may be something to what I said. However, given the struggles at home that you've described, I think you've gotten great insight into what marriage to this man and his son would be like. I wouldn't recommend it, as others have said.

I see now that perhaps you only wanted to hear that it's normal to hate a stepchild and not any further comment. I can't answer that, because I don't know. I love mine and they love me. Is it always easy? He11 no! But that's true whether it's biological, step or otherwise. You do sound very bitter and resentful of not only the child but your boyfriend and his ex; sounds like there's lots to be resentful of.

Lots of negatives here. My best wishes to you and each of them as you make tough decisions.

S


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

suzieque of course I am going to take what you wrote as negative, (he's not your stepchild. He's your live-in boyfriend's son.) who wouldnt? You wrote that "I see now that perhaps you only wanted to hear that it's normal to hate a stepchild and not any further comment"....no I wrote yes to know that what I am feeling is normal....but I am open for advice....not comments like you wrote.

Who are you, who is anyone to say who is or isn't a step mom.... just because you are perfect and don't have any ill feeling toward your step kids does not mean that I am the evil step mom. I never not once treat my stepson bad....I show him love...I don't express my ill feelings to him. My stepson and my own son are spoil happy brats, I give them everything and I do everything for them.

I never said I don't love him....I just can not stand the things he does sometimes...the same goes my own son....but there is a big difference here, my son is mine and I handle him the way I see fit....I don't have anyone else to answer to, unlike my stepson...he has his father and his Part-time mom. My son has no outside influence to put things in his mind.....my step son has a street mom who has very ignorant view....does not give a sh#^^ whether he does good in school or not, she lets him do what ever he wants, lets him talk to her what ever way he wants because she is trying to win him over that way, she lets him play video games from Friday- Sunday mornings...then he comes home Sunday afternoon with a attitude because he does not want to do his homework and who has to deal with it? ME his step mom.

So please tell me how you expect me to feel toward her and this whole situation? What am I to do, I am not telling him I hate him at times, I am not showing him how I feel either.I walk away and do Yoga to keep from braking down.
I love my stepson and yes I do hate him at times and I feel really bad about it, I came here to get advice, not to get kick in the assI could understand if I was a horrible step mombut I am not. I am open to anyone advice or commentsbut ask me questions first before you come at and say things like "You call yourself step mom with this attitude?" I am only 28 years oldI came into this relationship at the age of 23 I am still learning here.

JC


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

>> but ask me questions first before you come at and say things like "You call yourself step mom with this attitude?"
Um, no, I didn't say that. Someone else did.

>> does not mean that I am the evil step mom.
Nope, never said that, either

>> just because you are perfect
Or that.

>> I never not once treat my stepson bad
Or ... well, you get the jist.

>> I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.
>> Is this normal to hate your stepchild?
>> I never said I don't love him

A bit of contradiction there?

>> of course I am going to take what you wrote as negative, (he's not your stepchild. He's your live-in boyfriend's son.) who wouldnt?
But that's fact. You may perceive it as negative, but it's still fact.

In fact, all I did was offer a suggestion, and it was NOT nasty, as to one reason why the boy might be acting out as he does. You just happened not to like it.

I'm sure you're doing your best for this child. Sounds to me like you're the only one, and that includes your boyfriend, too - seems that he's left most of it to you. At a very young 28 you've taken on a lot, including a bunch of people not holding up their end.

I do hope that your venting here has helped you to feel better. Sometimes just getting it out is good therapy, and you'll always find people who will tell you what you want to hear. Best wishes to you and the boys.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

suzieque,

Well I must say that people can always read things wrong, and I am under a lot of stress right now, If I read your post wrong or came out nasty to you I am sorry, it is all the Bu^*^) I am going through right now....but I guess its all worth it..yesterday I had a meeting with my stepson's teachers and they said that I was doing a great job with him...that more moms should be so involve.

As for it being a fact that I am not his step mom, yeah its a fact, yeah its not on paper but ask him that, he will say thats my other mom, my stepmom.

As for it be "A bit of contradiction" because I hate him at times, and that I love him....yeah people can feel both emotions for one person....or am I a nuts here? Or am I the only one in this world?

Anyhow thank you, I am the only one who is doing whats best for my step child.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Cant take any more

My stepson came to live with my husband and I last on Oct 25th he is 8yrs old his mother says she can not handle him any more I dont want to say he is bad but he is in trouble all the time at home at school any were he goes the kids dont want to play with him. Last weekend at a party (I have two boys from another man 12 & 13) he spit in both of my childrens faces so my son spit on him and hit him I know it was not right for my son to hit or spit on him but he did spit on both of my boys. All my husband says oh hes just a boy their is always a reason for this kids behavior. He has been enrolled at a new school for 5days now the teacher has called us 2 xs removed him from the class. Last night he was throwing pool balls around because he was mad. The kid has been kicked out of after school programs for hitting, kicking, pushing other students and lying. They did not let him eat, play or sit with the other kids in class. I am really trying to be their but my husband feels his son can hit my kids and mine are not to put a hand on him because of the age group. So to avoid any problems I tell my kids not to play with him no kids in the neighborhood want to play with him. His father makes the kids play with him. I see him as being a very angry child. My husband blames his mother for how he acts. The boy is smart he plays his father against his mother. He tells his dad he hates his mom she does not love him she is lazy, she is mean and he allows him to talk about her that way. He can not go one day without getting into trouble hitting, kicking, pushing, and lying about anything small or big. My husband does not want to admit their is a problem with him. I think he feels if something is wrong he is a bad parent. How can I get him to get help before it breaks us up or this kid ends up really hurting someone or himself? Our house has turned into a battle field every night their is a 2-3 hour discussion over what he did wrong and my kids are being left out. I have to sit in or he will play his dad and get out of trouble by saying oh I'm just bad I cant do anything right and his dad feels bad so it goes from discipline to holding laughing playing. And poor me.. Someone please help... well things have not changed they only have gotten worse Nov. 13th he attacked 7 children on the school play ground and one school yard supervisor now he has only been in school 1wk also he was screaming at the princeable and his father in the middle of the office. My husband did nothing no punishment at all. He was kicked out of the after school program again. Now he has been in school 4wks and on Nov. 22nd he attacked another student put this little boy in a head lock. Also again attacked the after school playground supervisor. It was so bad they could not control him they called the police and put him in hand cuffs and a crises counselor speak with him. And his father takes him to get a hair cut buys him some new clothing he went out to eat that night was sitting in his bead watching TV that night the next morning. Top it all off his dad allowed him to go to Mexico for the long weekend. He was suspended from school. But at home he can do no wrong. Remember this boy is only 8 yrs old and he is just an evil little kid. At first he would say oh their making fun of me he has openly told his father I just do it because I want to. At times I want my boys to beat the crap out of him just so he can see how it feels. I have tryed and tryed i cant stand this kid. Im about to leave my husband over this little devil. The worst part is we have a 4 month old little girl thats why Im trying to stay..And iI Love his dad but i cant do it...


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

jayC2006,

I too share some of the frustruation with the "not-a-real-step-parent" because we are not married. And I have read through so many of these forum chains trying to find some answers for myself, but find so many people want to condemn struggling SM's for not brimming over with joy and love for SC's who actively hate them or act out. Mine are older, teenagers, with a mother who has nothing good to say about me. I love my almost-husband with my whole heart, a fact I would love to be able to control, but cannot. jayC and other SM's, please ignore those who tell you that "you knew what you were getting into before you committed your relationship". That is far too easy to say, and even more impossible to exercise. And the feelings of almost hate? I wish I could tell you how to control that, or how to help the guilt that goes along with those feelings, but I need that answer myself. Just know that there are so many women out there with the same issue and we are all struggling to come to terms with it that won't hurt us, our husbands (or almost husbands), or our stepkids more than we already hurt.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I think you were venting in the begining, now being dragged through the mud for it. We all need a place to rid ourselves of anger and resentment, doesn't mean those feelings are truly our own, just something we must dispose of somewhere.

Kids, whether they are your own or not, will try your patience. I look at my neighbor kids, and figure that is probably how my husband looks at my kids. Doesn't paint a real pretty picture when you don't have on the rose colored glasses.

Maybe your stepson is in need of a little therapy. His life can't be easy, being shuttled from home to home, parent to parent; your son gets to stay in one place.

I think this forum was designed to vent frustrations, but I guess you need to be prepared to "own your words". I have my own kids, and on occasion, I don't like them either! When my son gets all pouty faced because I bought the off brand fruity pebbles - for an instant, I'd like to stuff the entire box down his throat. When my daughter "accidentally" destroys something, I'd like to stomp on every toy she owns, just so she can feel the same way I do.

We aren't perfect, we are just parents doing the best we can. Keep that in mind, and above all else, don't put yourself under so much stress.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I love you guys.I have felt every emotion too,except in the parents forum I was completely critisized and yelled at.
It is sooo darned nice to know that there are others feeling the way I do!!!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

i cannot wait for the day when my stepchildren finally leave too. you sound completely normal. in fact you sound like a saint compared to me. I have a 11 year old sd and a 14 year old ss and it is like i am a visitor in my own home. they are ill mannered, manipulative, and harrass our son. my sd even tried to lure my son when he was 5 out on our roof. I often wonder what would have happened if he had'nt run and told me. and I wonder what her intentions were. they act like they own the place.my husband of course worships the ground they walk on. which makes me gag. he is in a state of constant apology that he has divorced thier mother (who had an affair!). I have two kids with my husband. 15 month old daughter and 6 year old son, and sometimes I think if I did'nt have 2 kids with him, knowing what I know now, I would be outta here. He does'nt undrstand what it is like to have to compromise sooo much. I have left america, my parents, many siblings, and extended family to move to australia to be driven insane by his children. before i moved here he was always very intersted in spending time with just mebut now it's like everything we do must include his children or it is not fun. i am just counting the days. today is his daughters 11th birthday...so only 7 years to go.......


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

isocanrelate, I am so sorry for how you feel and I often feel the same way. I do not have any children with my husband so I could leave at anytime, but I feel I have put and build so much into this relationship. My DH does have two children that are now adults (21 yr old SS & 25 yr old SD).
I just want to let you know that even after the stepkids leave they continue to cause problems. The stepkids have caused so much friction between DH and I over the last 6 years it has effected our relationship in a negative way.

It does help they are not living in the same house with us anymore, but when they do come to visit they cause alot of stress and trouble. They can even cause conflict with a telephone call for something they want, need or are going to do that will effect both DH & I. Inturn this again and again causes more turmoil in our relationship. Which in turn has caused us alot of communication, trust, and connecting problems.

This has been my experience. So if you can resolve your issues now, please do try with all your will. Try not to let it go on and on.



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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I am going to approach a very taboo topic, here. Please it is not for those who even mildly like their step children to respond too. Not that I don't care about your input but unless you have been over violated by my SC you can't possibly even understand the pain that is involved even if you think you can.

Have any of the posters, who hate/extremely dislike/fear your stepchildren given your spouse the 'them or me' ultimatium? I know, I know, those of you who haven't experienced what we have cannot fathom this solution, I don't blame you, before I experienced the past five years I was the biggest proclaimer of 'never turn your back on your children', 'unconditional love', but I have traveled a path that no parent/step parent should have had to travel. I know I am not the only step parent to have endured this but unless you have endured you really have no idea. Please don't think you can imagine walking in my shoes if you haven't, it has been a long hard journey that has lead me to this ultimatum. My stepkids are adults now but they have been liars and stealers, and hateful people. For my sanity I just have to have them cut out. Something similar to the mountain climber who falls into a cravass and has to chew his arm off just to survive. That is how I feel now. After six hard years, and legal battles.

I just wonder if any one else has felt forced to take this extreme measure and how it worked for them. I love my husband very much, but I have lost my 401K and his, we have second mortgaged our home, and much more. We have another child at home who is suffering because of all of this.

Please don't beat me up. Please. I have had enough of that over the years. Seriously. I am just desperate and feel I need to take a desperate measure. I do and have been seeing a counsellor for the past four years so there is no lack of therapy or communication between my spouse and I, I am just exhausted and at the end of my rope.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

why would you dislike a kid??? I'm a kid myself but I just got on here and signed up because I want to see what other stepmoms think about there stepchildren... mine hates me too.. and i just wanted 2 see if i was the only 1 that is hated


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

stepmom! Y do you hate your stepdaughter???? Every kids room is messy. Even mine is at times but that is no reason to hate anyone..Let me ask you this. If you have a husband and he drinks beer and then leaves the cans all over the place, would you discriminate against him to and ask for a divorce? Hmmmm... kids have feelings to and what you say about them they probably have the same feelings about you.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

anonimusone,

I hate to say it and have never been in your situation, but I do have a stepmom who hates me and who I can't stand. I have never taken money from them, so it isn't exactly the same situation, but I think ulimatums are the worst. What satisfaction would you have if your husband stayed with you and rejected his kids when that isn't something he really felt compelled to do in the first place? If you want to leave, you should leave, but don't force your husband to make that choice, he will resent you for it.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

ceexcee- your DH needs to understand that he is failing his son. It is your husbands job as a father to train up his child, so that his son has a happy life. It is important because otherwise, his son will have failed relationships everywhere he goes in life, and have difficulty keeping a job, or a marriage together. Or even getting an education, and having options in life because he has an education. At the rate he is going, at some point he will be kicked out of schoool or quit, and his options in life will be very limited. His father needs to understand that a loving father helps to raise a son who is able to fit in society, and get along with those around him. Your husband needs someone to coach him through this process, and help him.


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Step-children

I had no idea what I was getting into when I married a man with teenage children. I have 2 children who were 3 and 5 when we married, and I would never allow my children to disrespect my husband the way his children disrespect me.
It's all about setting boundaries, and we have finally reached a reasonably non-aggression relationship with his kids (now 21 and 25). It really helped when I quit trying to be friends with them. When I quit doing nice things for them, they quit having opportunities to reject me. Now I am just neutral. They still look for opportunities to punish me, but now that I am not actively interacting with them, they have trouble finding things to complain about.


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My Stepson

I have recently started having some problems with my stepson. He's started ignoring me and acting very disrespectful towards me. He's 12, a great kid and I love him a lot, but lately I can't stand to be around him. I'm always tense and angry and I shouldn't feel like that all the time, but I do. He will purposely carry on a conversation with my wife about nothing at all and ask her a bunch of nonsense questions just to keep from talking to me. I can see it, but my wife can't. She disciplines him sometimes, but not every time he's disrespectful. I understand that my wife feels like she's in the middle and she's tired of always yelling at him for regular stuff. She doesn't want to add disciplining him about me too. However, I do not feel that it is OK to disrespect me ever. So no matter how many times he does it, he needs to be checked on it. He doesn't listen to me. He acts like I'm not even there and as a result I can't even stand to be around him and I hate being around both of them together because then it just feels like I'm alone. I hate feeling alone in a house full of people. I also hate that I can't stand to be around him. I love him, but I am so stressed with dealing with his attitude and behavior. My wife says that I just have to give it time. Things between us used to be good and he always wanted to hang out with me and we did, but over time he has withdrawn and become almost impossible for me to discipline. Sometimes this is necessary if my wife isn't around. I really just don't know how to handle this. Should I tell him that I am unhappy with the way I'm being treated? Should I let him know that he is hurting my feelings? I don't want him to think he has power over me, but I think he should know that what he's doing is damaging our relationship. I just need some advice.


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i have a few questions

to confused teen 01
I am so sorry that you feel hated by your stepmom and that you hate her also. I was hoping you could tell me how she treats you. Does she put forth any effort to be good to you and show interest in a good relationship with you? Do you feel that she is "taking your dad away" from you, and do you feel that you are in constant competition with your step mom for your dads' attention and love? The reason I am asking you is because I have a teenage step daughter and I have shown her love and attention and do many "mother/daughter" things with her and she continues to treat me bad. I am hoping you can give me some insight into her side, being that you're a teenage stepdaughter. I hope the best for you in your situation.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

southernsummer
How did you make yourself "neutral" towards your stepchildren? I am at my wits end. How does your husband react to this? Is he supportive? Any advise you can give me would be appriciated.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

jayc2006-
I know how you feel and understand what you are going through. When I met my BF his daughter was 2yrs and now she is 4 going on 5. When I first met her she was picky at the start of who she liked and and who she disliked...and she disliked me. I blame everything on her bio mother because that is where she spends most of her time and her bio mother teaches her nothing (respect, discipline). She argues with her daughter and the daughter argues right back until she gets her way. The daughter raises her voice as if she is the adult. Her bio mother hated the fact that she wasn't going to have the father of her child back in her life as a partner and she hated me for it...keep in mind we never met and she hardly knows me. She needs to get a life and worry about her daughter's future and not me!

When she comes to visit her dad and myself I always dread that day. From the moment i know she is coming I get depressed and angry that she is coming. I don't like when she comes to my house because she thinks she rules my house and I'm not going to stand for that. She can pull that crap with her mom but not with me. I let her know from the moment she walks in that she is not at her moms house and for awhile everything is cool and then it goes down hill because she can't do whatever she wants. I try to interact with her like do her hair, play make up, go to the play ground etc. After all those activities are over she goes back to being rude and disrespectful. My BF doesn't seem to say or do much either. He thinks she is the way she is because I'm too strict and I never just talk to her...well I try to just talk to her but she just crosses her arms and says no and storms off. I am going to continue to be strict until she shows me some respect. I'm not going to let her run over me so until she comes around It will be like this whether she like it or not.

When I was younger I would never think about being the way she is with my parents let alone an adult I don't know. We had to she respect whether or not they were my parents. I just don't understand what is wrong with kids now a days.


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To Jenkin

Hi, there

My husband was not supportive in the beginning...he just made excuses for his kids, and he still does to some extent.
He often says that they can't help their behavior, because their mother poisons their minds, etc. He is better than he used to be.

I used to do many many nice things for them, but it always backfired on me. No matter what I did, (vacations at the beach, ski trips in Utah, holiday dinners, time spent with them, etc.) they could always find some way to turn it around on me.

I just stopped doing things. I am polite, but I don't volunteer to do anything for them. They are no longer invited on family vacations--they always complained about going, anyway. We go out of town for Christmas--they always complained about having Chrismas with us, even for a couple of hours. When we encourage them to have a relationship with us, they feel safe to push us away. When we are no longer encouraging them to be close, then feel a need to move closer to us. The problem is that I think that offer expired. I really no longer feel any fondness for them. There has just been to much pain for too long.

They are 21 and 25, and my children are 11 and 13.

I remember that they are not my children, and I have no responsibility for raising them. I remember that if I do nice things for them and they don't appreciate it, that I will end up sad and resentful. It is much better not to offer, and then I am not a target.

I am polite but detached. It has brought peace to our household.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Step children are children, and some adults are not "kid" people. This does not make us bad or evil. I don't like having children around me all the time, yet I am a full time teacher at the high school level(which I love). I have 3 step children. I have standards of behavior that is expected. If they repeatedly break rules and refuse to engage in OUR family unit, then they are not welcome. They can CHOOSE to visit us and act accordingly or they can CHOOSE to stay with their mother all the time. Set limits and consequences. I would also force the mother to take HER son for 4 days out of the week, or at least 3.5 This will make her have ownership of her title as mother, and give you and your husband time to remember that kids will grow up and leave their parents, but a mate is forever!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

It's only Tuesday , yet already I dread the weekend with the sc. I've had enough of the disrespect shown to myself and my home, I'm done with talking through solutions, then watching his father reward his bad behaviour. This weekend I'm taking my children, visiting family, and keeping away.


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Rewarding Bad Behavior

My husband invented rewarding bad behavior. I will say, that he has become better though, since the bad behavior has become worse and worse and worse, and finally even he was shocked. He has begun to learn to set limits, and at least it is a start.

I have seen posts from elsewhere on this board that the step-kids want time and trips alone with their father. Believe me, I have no desire whatsoever to spend my precious free time tip-toe-ing around them. My husband can spend as much time as he wants indulging and being disrespected by his children.

There was a time when I would object to this rewarding of bad behavior. And honestly when my step-son totalled his 4th car and spent a weekend in jail for a DUI, I put my foot down about buying him a 5th car. I guess that makes me the evil step-mother. But quite frankly, I have reached a point where I just let my step-kids' behavior speak for itself. I don't have to say a word. And my husband had to make some tough decisions.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I have been reading about step-parenting and I am VERY reluctant to make a committment to my boyfriend who is pushing hard for a permanent situation. He has an 11 year old son who I have failed to connect with, even though I have had a full year to try. I am an educator, so kids are not a foreign concept to me. My boyfriend has his son bi-weekly, and the boy comes from a mom who has severe mental health issues. When mom has a problem, the child-care is completely on dad's shoulders. I'm terrified that I will end up parenting a disturbed child who has been severely damaged by an emotionally neglectful mother. If I ever make a parenting suggestion to my boyfriend he becomes hypersensitive and defensive. We have a great relationship now, so why can't we just leave things as they are?


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

First off how dare you who have scolded this women for being confused, frustrated, and misunderstood.
Yes the word hate is a very strong word and children do not desearve it what so ever.
I still think that with the posts given, she is as lost as she was before and during the time she wrote this.
Its real easy to expect this women to just deal with it and go on the way that she is expected to.
The stife that she is experiancing. Having all the dealings with this child placed on her while there is a liable parent or parents to do their job with that child as well.
She has all of the responsibility and noone seems to see that she is scatching at herself for help.
That father and mother of that child are at fault for his behavior, and what this child is showing is called Reactive Attachment Disorder. The same thing i go threw with my step daughter.
I have 2 step kids, and 1 from another relationship.
Their father and i have had another child in the mix.
To this child with the disorder, she truly believes that noone loves her. Even tho we have done everything possible to show her that we do. She is so afraid of accepting love that if bought a toy or the same item the others have, she claims even the others as a control issue.
This child this women is dealing with does need love. Not just from her, but from her mother and father who dont seem to be helping her threw this one bit.
I know how she feels, my step kids mother doesnt even care enough to pay her child support unless she is summons to court.
And as a result we suffer with the kids needs every month.
Hate as a word is something she didnt know how to express.
She is more then likely trying to say that she cannot deal with being that childs mother when the other parents arent showing her fair trade.
Its hard not to take what is happening personal, and this women doesnt need your mouth, or how dare yous.
She needs someone to listen and understand that she is human and her feelings have come to this due to no one being their.
This child she takes care of is more then likely due to the other parents going to claw for attention in the wrong way.
Because he isnt even getting what he needs from the biological parents as is.
Now she has to make up for that loss and she feels like she is trapped in a place where its all on her and no one will help.
So instead of scolding her for her feelings or words.
Try to read this threw and see that side.
Its not fair to me that being a step mom i am the one to enforce all the disapline and trust me. I let their father know when i have had enough.
This on going battle doesnt have to be give in to the kid, cause then what? The kid will continue to get worst instead of better.
She needs support.

Thank you
katlin


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Hello I am new here too.

I really found lots of great thoughts ont he topic here, from all sides of the issue and have to say i look forward to reading more.

I too have step (child/children) and have experienced much of the same issues. My SS s very maniulative, but it is not only about me but his teachers, siblings at his moms, my children in every way he works hard at keeping father wrapped!!!! I actually enjoyed the "rabid" email dad recieved from a teacher after dad sent one demanding his son be treated fairly and that he not be giving son a bad grade caus ehe does not like him......OH yea...that was a doozy....

I married my husband of 4 years after a 3 year engagement. for a long time after we got custody of his son things were awfull..(still are but different) Dad would DUMP all care and discipline on me..he is hugely ineffectual...well SS figured out quick he could get me into trouble with dad if he said i was being mean to him....like making him sit and finish his homework with the other kids(i have two)... Dad would say you are picking on him...i would say fine then you do it!!!! Dad does not like that idea.... There are many contibuting factors to life arond here being mostly miserable
Dad's EX has other children and YES we actually have them over in the summer and send presents and stuff...no dad was never under the imression they were his altho she tried to tell him they were....anyway I not only take abuse from his kid but his EX's kids ( the products of multie affairs)....as for the ex's kids they have begun to treat me a little beter...thanks in part to the fact that I totally flipped out on mom and informed her and everyone else they were not our job, responsiblity or otherwise a neccessity of life and if she did not explain this to them they were not welcome.... However this does not work for SS...

He lies even without reason just to cause issue sometimes, My son has moved out he is over 18...but my daughter is a senior in HS and must tolerate him, he embarrasses her in shchool, gets causght stealing, lieing and other mildly gross things (once he stuck his head int he toilet and flushed.....I am unclear how this would make him coool but anyway he did it) He tries to get dad to yell at her for anything.... she gets all A's and B's, does her own laundry, drives him all over town for dad, Works, is not disrespectful, does not steal or lie,...I dont know but think that is a pretty good kid...

SS on the other hand steal not only from his friends but from dad and I, from my daughter even from the offering plate at church....he gets all D's and F's and it is solely because he wont do anythng, he yells at dad and demands things.....

I used to do things for him and take care of things for dad but now, I just wait for the day he leaves....they both know this...I tell hubby, I love him vdry much but do not have to tolerate him lieing about me and my daughter to cause hubby to be angry with us EVERYDAY....so I just became indifferent....

and yes when the nicey things stopped boy did SS take notice....he does not like that much and has actually gotten worse as if to say i will get you now....I simply shrug and go my merry way...when hubby shows me his F's and says what do i do....I say I dont know I guess that is why YOU are dad! When laundry day comes I send dad in to do son's laundry....and say you dont do mine or my dughters why do i do his? (my daughter has been doing her own since she was 12)
If dad wants to take sons side when he is being a (insert four letter words here) then he can take his side in all ways!!!

It is not that SS is getting better, I just ignore it! and in all honesty it is so much more effectual than yelling.... if he wants anythng from me he must be nice...isnt that how life is?? maybe i can still teach him something without him even knowing cause if he did he wouold surely get angry!!! He is like the Thief that is not sorry he stole....but very sory he got caught... there really is little concience for any of his actions and dad wont deal with them.

We havr gone to counseling and he too is quite good at fooling thre counselors so, I hide my purse, daughter avoids being near him, i refuse to carry on a conversation with him when dad is not in the room (or even be in the room) or he will tell lies that i was mean....he finds himself in a lonely existance sometimes, not even his own brothers want to be with him... he is 16 and I only hope that some day either dad or ss come to see that people run from mean people and he changes his outlook but until then I can only protect mysef, my daughter and hopefully my marriage. I am sorry but I cannot feel care or concern any longer...Of course if he is trying to do something that will hurt him I will suffer the assault and force him to stop but otherwise....Dad....he is all yours!

Hey thanks for the forum to verbalize in!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

beyond words...It sounds to me like the real problem in your situation is your husband. His son is just a symptom of your husband's ineffectual parenting. Kids need boundaries and if they do not have a parent who will set those boundaries, everybody suffers. I feel bad for everybody in your home, including your stepson, but I don't feel bad for your husband.

I understand that you will be happy when your stepson is 18 because you think that he will be an adult and will have to leave, but if your husband isn't setting any boundaries now, what makes you think that he will suddenly be forced out of the home when he is an "adult"? It sounds like this kid will be ill-equipped to handle the outside world. He won't get into college because of his poor grades and what kind of job will he be able to hold if he has no experience in having to deal with boundaries/authority figures? What a mess, and all because his dad won't step up and be the parent he needs him to be.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I am new to this site..I found it one frustrated afternoon after another lying session from my 12 yr. old SS...What a GODSEND!!! I thought I was ALL alone on how I felt about him...It has been almost 4 yrs.(we are now married almost 1 yr.) trying to deal with him and I was really getting to hate him!!!YES, we can hate kids!!!And this site has helped me admit it because I am no longer alone and ashamed to!! I have had 3 of my own and 4 grandkids BUT this kid is Different!!!!I have tried to talk to my husband but "everyones always picking on him"...HA! this kid knows exactly what he is doing and he is a master at pushing buttons-especially mine!!He is not trying to fit in,his hugs are COLD, he never kisses anyone(his dad says he has never even kissed him!),he lies, his schoolwork is horrible but no-one can help him(not me and not the teacher),he has no real friends,he has to be watched around little kids cause they get hurt but he never does anything...,and he never looks into my eyes except when he is pleading "I promise I am not lying!", he stares off into space when I talk to him,I could go on and on!! BUT I checked up on this Reactive Attachment Disorder goddessofissues mentioned...ALL these traits he has ARE part of that!! I had thought he was ADD but many kids who have RAD are being misdiagnosed as having ADD. He refused to live with his Mom in NY when they broke up and moved to NC to be with Dad. She never sends money, comes here, promises him all kinds of things but never comes through....Not a very good mother-child relationship...The basis of RAD....I have really found out why, now I have to find out what to do!! I have begged my husband to help me but he works nights and says "what do you want me to do?". He has left me alone to deal with him and,boy,do I dread school getting out!! I,also,am a stranger in my own home!! I would suggest anyone with a SC like this to check out RAD.Thank you for this site,I am so very appreciative I found it!! (Oh,I AM at the point of telling Dad and Son to do it on their own but I DO love my husband and,also, know with me the boy will get help...God knows who he will end up with if I leave..so you see I only think I hate him, I must really love him!!!)


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

You really can't judge someone until you live in their shoes. Below is a story that I could have written myself. And short of my step son actually killing someone (yet) The story is my life and has been my life for 10 years. I hate my step son, and even more than him, i hate my mother inlaw who refuses to see that this kid is evil. Continuing to enable his criminal behavior, and when he does kill someone, she probably won't even be alive to see that we were right all along.

Please don't judge me.
http://www.penny-arcade.com/2007/02/21


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

wow...I read the article you stated, should make people open their eyes....obviously there is such thing as "evil kids"/teenagers". Makes me think about mine and my husbands situation....although I do not take my SS's threats lightly, that is why he is not allowed at this time. Like you say - you have to walk in someone's shoes. Thanks for sharing that site.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I have not read every posting in this thread, so I am sorry if this is a repeated comment.

I would just like to make the point that I have had very tough times with my DD for about 6 years, those teenage years, where I have questioned my parenting. Where I have not been too keen to spend time with her, where I have been glad when she has gone out.

Her room is a mess, the sink in the bathroom is a mess, she attacks me about the food, about where we live.

But, you know, she is my own flesh and blood and I still seems to have the problems that people have with their step-children. Maybe its just the nature of the "beast" its not the fact that it is a "step" relationship.

I would say to people to look at the big picture, as I do with my daughter, look for the positives, the good things, and focus on them. Try to replace you anger, resentment, frustration with good thoughts, work hard at doing this, it will really help you.

In the OP's first posting (I did read that !), its sounds like, to me, that the SS is jealous. What does this mean, he feels unloved. Pay more attention to him, spend more time doing things with him, just simple things. Talk to him, just one on one. I have had problems like this with my two, as well.

I wish you all the best.

Popi


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

  • Posted by
    Disgusted and Depressed
    (mjsars@yahoo.com) on
    Tue, Feb 10, 09 at 23:47

I don't know what to do anymore. I completely understand the actual use of the word "hate" in this forum.

I am a 34-year old married mom (I have two biological children, aged 2 and 4 months) with my husband and his daughter (aged 10) from a previous marriage. This is my first and only marriage.

We were together one year before getting engaged and his daughter was 3, going on 4. She was 5 when we married and has been with us 3 weekends per month for the past 5 years.

I DREAD the weekends. I spend my work week at home with my toddler and infant as well as working a hectic job from home (we cannot afford daycare in this economy so I have to manage both duties). I love being home with my girls but trying to do it all (being mommy and paying attention to my kiddos, housecleaning, laundry, diapers, meals, full time job) takes its toll. My husband is really helpful and does a lot of housework too - he works full time and full+part time 3 days per week, so I am home for about 12+ hours per day, alone.

I used to crave the weekends - we were home together - paying with the kids, going on outings, etc. Now I get horribly depressed during the week, knowing that I'm in for exhaustion Monday-Friday, and then the visit of his daughter over the weekend.

She is definitely a product of her parents (they both have their faults with parenting her). She is RUDE (never says please or thank you, very demanding and constantly talks back/interrupts). She comes over - instantly opens our fridge, drinks/eats my food (And food that I buy specifically for my finicky toddler), opens bottles of water, soda and doesn't drink them. She is extremely obese (a result of her parents/grandparents feeding her as a child to pacify tantrums). She has never grown into her weight. She was an adorable chubby 3-year old when I met her - now she is an oaf-y, heavy girl, larger and heavier than the average adult and a complete slob to boot. Her hygiene is lacking, she doesn't brush her hair (her mother doesn't enforce this).

I am NOT vain, but I take pride in my appearance and that of my family. I help dress my husband and daughters, teach them to brush their hair, wear clean, pressed clothes, brush their teeth and just make an overall effort. When my SD comes over, she refuses to do these things.
I offer to curl her hair, I buy her new clothes (yes, hubby pays child support but her clothes are always stretched and stained) and she never thanks me, or even keeps anything clean.

She is very intrusive - listens in on conversations with my hubby (when we have our bedroom door closed), is very spacey (doesn't listen or look people in the eye). She constantly whines and complains. She spends a lot of time watching me, staring at me (I can feel it and it's so uncomfortable). I feel like everything she hears and everything we do is being reported home to her nosy mother.

She often accuses us of "not wanting her around" and I deny that - though I honestly wish she would go away. I admit that I favor my kids over her and treat them better - but they are babies! And I love them. I cannot stand the sight of this girl - she grosses me out and she has no cooth - she is simply repulsive in every way.

I like children - but this girl has played mom against dad (she calls her mom from her cell phone when she doesn't get her way) and I feel like our privacy is completely invaded when she reports everything to her mom.

Her father loves her (he is not good at discipline) and her whining usually breaks him. I want to ignore her completely, but in a 1600-square foot home, this is not possible. I would spend the weekends in my bedroom, but this is not feasible with 2 babies at home too.

Yes, before you ask, I disliked her well before my children were born. Her presence feels like an invasion, every single weekend. I have considered ending my marriage just to get away from her. But then my children will also be away from their dad.

I am already depressed and it's Tuesday.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Personally I think that anyone who finds a child "repulsive" is sick and even more repulsive.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I know this is a very old thread---but to the person who posted on February 9th, 2009, please get yourself into some counseling.

This girl KNOWS she is not wanted in your house. I understand and can relate to your feelings of being overwhelmed with caring for 3 kids. BUT you have to look at it this way---YOUR home is also your SD's home. And she feels unwanted in her own home.

Please get yourself some help. If you don't, your marriage will most likely fail and then ALL three kids will suffer. If you can't do it for your SD at this point, then do it for your own kids--so at least they have the chance to grow up in a stable, nuclear family.

Get into counseling and work through these feelings and learn appropriate ways to channel your frustration.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Love said your home is your SDs home too..I can relate to this..Been in the Step situation about the same amount of time as you, and altho I have never hated my Skids,they are well behaved, it has not been smooth sailing...But its odd that you said she opens my fridge, takes our food...Maybe if you try to be a little more inclusive she ll relate to you better..I can remember the Skids coming over and I guess they felt like company, they wouldnt open the fridge without asking me, and I wanted them to feel like they were home, and stop asking me, just to make them feel more comfortable..Why dont you try making some small changes in your own behavior and see what happens.....


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Disgusted...

She is definitely a product of her parents...She often accuses us of "not wanting her around" and I deny that - though I honestly wish she would go away. I admit that I favor my kids over her and treat them better - but they are babies! And I love them. I cannot stand the sight of this girl - she grosses me out and she has no cooth - she is simply repulsive in every way...Her father loves her (he is not good at discipline) and her whining usually breaks him...Her presence feels like an invasion, every single weekend. I have considered ending my marriage just to get away from her....

So, you lie to her. You think she's hideous. You think her father is wrong for loving her as she is and it's his fault she's like that. Of course your babies are cute. But that changes. It sounds like physical appearances have a lot to do with your value placement on them as people.

Be careful. With the kind of parenting you and your husband are engaging in your bio-kids don't have much hope either.

I sincerely hope you get yourself some help. It sounds like this child needs love and discipline. When you married HER DAD (because he was that first, and foremost) you took on the responsibility to raise her to be happy, healthy, and a good person.

From what I can tell you need an attitude check. If you hated her that much you never should have married her father. Period.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I think that, although you said it was this way before, any negative feelings you may have had before are now amplified by your post-partum hormones.

My SO's DD was a lot like that with the spaciness and lack of hygiene at the same age. It's a pre-teen thing and you're likely to get more of it. Only when they become teens, the hygiene will likely switch completely the other way and she'll be taking way too many showers and taking up the bathroom for way too long.

As far as the eating goes, start now teaching her nutrition. There are a TON of good books out there aimed at pre-teens and teens about nutrition and body image and exercise. Get her interested in something like that. Maybe start exercising with her. Like putting the little ones in a stroller and letting her push while you take a family stroll around the block.

Your DH needs to buckle down, because, as you said, she is a product of her parenting and your DH is one of those parents.

If you don't like the way he's parented his DD, what makes you think he'll parent differently with your 2 kids when they are that age?

But, really, your feelings are undrestandable, especially with an infant. I have a feeling that you wouldn't feel that strongly if there weren't all these changes going on in your life.

I agree that some counseling is in order. And I don't mean from your friends or family. From an unbiased person.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. I lived in a similar situation. My BF had three boys of his own and evrything was great with everyone until I moved in with my two younger children. His kids thought the world revolved around them. They were/still are complete slobs and disgusting!- I mean you have to tell a teenage boy to change his underpants after you've seen the same pair hanging out of his jeans for a week. They couldn't do the simple task of taking out the garbage-once a week! They treated me with complete disrespect, stealing from me and hiding my things from me-- one time the oldest(was 19 at the time and still lived with us)- took all the pots and pans out of the cupboard and hid them under the couch because I told them if they were going to cook food in the middle of the night, then they needed to clean up their mess instead of leave it for us to do in the morning. Give me a break. I put so much time and energy and love into these kids and it was always rejected. Their mother lived thre blocks away and for two years didn't even call once a month to say hi or see them. I know that her lack of discipline and love had everything to do with the way they were, and their father tried very hard to change their attitudes--for a while. He got to the point where he stopped trying, he started drinking alot and stopped enforcing anything, which just made it harder on me all the way around. And it opened the door for these kids to become even more hateful and coniving. He would enforce the rules for my children and stopped trying with his as they got into teenage years. I think his kids saw this as though he loved my kids more, and that is part of what made them hate me so much. These kids were so horrible to me that I found myself feeling hatred towards them when they would be around- it was like a switch that turned on the minute they walked in the door. I got to the point where I couldn't sleep because I would have dreams of them plotting to hurt me and throwing wild parties in the middle of the night. At one point, I had my son in counseling and found out that they had been secretly tormenting him emotionally. At this point, I decided to end the relationship and move out. I realized that without their father getting involved and putting his foot down and making them respect other people, they were never going to change, and it had nothing to do with me or what did or didn't do. Children do want boundaries and they want to be loved. As the step parent, it is important to let them know that you are there for them and love them, but without the love and discipline from the BIO parent, it is very unlikely that you will make any headway.
I would suggest that you sit down with your fiance and maybe go to counseling together to work this out. If you aren't both putting in 100%, it's only going to go downhill.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

So many similarities...My "stepson" (his father & I aren't married but live together) is becoming increasing difficult to deal with. I used to think there was something wrong with me, that I was becoming too impatient. I find that I really don't like him very much. But here and there I get little comments from others that have been around him, including impartials, and so I'm feeling somewhat less guilty. He is like most 8-year-olds in that he is boisterous, a bit antsy, inquisitive, and thinks he already has all of life's answers. I have known him since he was in Kindergarten and over the years we have not really warmed up to one another, not for my lack of trying. Long story short, his mother abandoned him when he was a toddler. She is a drug and alcohol abuser and right up to the present has been in and out of rehab. She's on the wagon right now and for my SS's sake, I hope she gets her act together this time. She hardly ever spends any time with him, and then it has to be on *her* terms. I feel that he resents me and he is consistantly defiant towards me. If I tell him no or discipline him, he will try to get out of it through his dad. His dad is, thankfully, ready to back me up there. I know he would rather be with his real mom and if I were him, I'd probably feel the same way. No matter how neglectful she's been, she's still his mother. He's at an age where he kind of gets that he's not her first priority, but still, and I'm sure there's a certain amount of denial there. He has a great time when they do get together, so of course he wants to be with her. It's up to dad and me to do all the hard work that *she* should be sharing in. His dad has total custody of my stepson for obvious reasons. As crappy a mom as she was, it was still an uphill climb through the courts to get that. Then he moved clear across the country to get away from her, for the sake of his son. He didn't want her to have any negative influence on him. Problem was, I had just had a baby. He just assumed I'd follow him eventually, even though I consistantly told him I would not. Well, his plans fell through and he had to come back here. We only recently started living together. I wanted to give it a go for our child's sake, but I know it won't work out and his son isn't helping things. I guess I'm going all over the place with this, sorry for the digressions. I am very stressed and worried over this whole situation. I don't want to contribute further to anyone's problems, but since I cannot seem to work it out I have to put my own child first. Let me end by saying that I really, really love children and I usually get along great with them. In this situation I have a child that is dealing with issues without the help he really needs. His dad set up counselling for him at one point, but then didn't see it through. I've tried to help out with that and move it forward, but I can't do it alone and in the end, I have very few rights in that regard. Oh, I'm so discombobulated!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I am 28 years old and I have been married to my husband for 4 years. He has three kids from a previous marriage (They are now 9 boy, 7 girl, and 6 girl). SHE cheated on him while he was serving his country in the Air Force, so they divorced and SHE gave them up. He has main custody (60/40, which is more like 99.9). When the youngest was born she didn't want to hold her or having anything to do with her. My husbands mom took over and that is who she considered her mom.

At the beginning things were great, I was mommy and what not. I can't have kids of my own (cancer in my uterus @ 13months old). That was the best time until...SHE started coming around ALL THE TIME, every weekend, holiday, birthday. SHE was there. Then, it was all down hill. SHE threatened them and told them to never, EVER call me mom again. So, it was back to being plain old me. Once SHE solved that issue, SHE stopped coming around. SHE would show up about every few months or so for a few hours and that was it.

I stopped trying with them. What was the point of it? I wasn't their mom and I was NEVER going to be. PERIOD. I was reminded of that every freaking day not only from HER but other people in the family. This went on for a few years and what can I say?

I was never mean to them or anything, I just never attempted to be anything or do anything. I can't stand being around them, I don't want to have anything to do with them, I don't want them around. It pisses me off beyond all words when they are around and calling my husband "daddy" all the stupid time and feeling left out and empty inside knowing that I will never have that with anyone. I will never know what that is like. It's so easy for my husband because he will ALWAYS be daddy no matter what happens. He doesn't have someone coming around telling them he isn't daddy and crap.

It didn't matter what I did or said with them, it was always "we did this with mommy and mommy said this, and mommy that". Makes me sick. SHE gave them up, so why doesn't SHE butt the crap out? That is what kills me and I hate it. I wish they would just leave, I don't care where they go, just leave, either that or have HER take them since she always says "I deserve to be their mommmy and I'm their mommy, and blah blah." To me, prove it. Take them away from my house and raise them if they are you stupid kids and let me live my life in peace.

Being a step-parent is NOT easy. I don't recommened it for anyone. Especially when the deadbeats are still in their life and won't go away.

If I had to do it all over I'm not sure that I would marry. The only reason I'm still with my husband is because I love him. I love him with all my heart. I don't agree with what others have been saying "if you love him then you'll do this and that". That to me, is bologna. You can't help how you feel (or don't feel). You don't feel how you because of your spouse or anything like that. It's human emotion, everyone gets frustrated and angry, it's normal, but that doesn't have anything to do with the love you have for your spouse. I still try every now and then, but most of the time I'm voluntarily removing myself. If it wasn't for the love I had for my husband, I would have been gone a long time ago.

My husband knows how I feel and he tries everyday to make it better for me. It's a hard thing to deal with, it really is. What kills me, everything was GREAT in the beginning and then SOMEONE has to get involved and screw things up for everyone and there isn't a single freaking thing you can do about it.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Hi, ladytinkerbelle--

I'm sure most on here can understand your frustration... even those of us like myself who aren't actually step-parents. You're right that blended families are difficult and that there are certain things you can't do much about when trying to deal with all the adjustment --for everybody-- that goes on in dealing with the new situation. I'm also sure it's very difficult to know that you can't bear children of your own and that the specific experience of carrying a child inside your body and then delivering it is one you won't have.

But try to separate out in your own heart and mind what your upsets are and to whom or what they are most appropriately directed. It is not your stepkids' fault that you cannot bear children. It is not their fault that they were born and that they exist. It is not their fault that their mother is involved in the situation in a way which upsets you. It is not their fault that in their own confusion and adjustment they naturally make comparisons or speak about their mother at all. Your anger is becoming directed at the children, the very ones that have the least to do with any of your real upsets. Unfortunately, this is a common pattern. BM is perceived as having too much power to fight, DH is valorized because he is the one who you are attracted to and fell in love with, and the kids take the brunt of the resentment because they're easier targets and because--it is true-- the fact of their existence presents challenges and makes your marriage more complicated than it would be were no chldren involved.

The usual and to-be-expected difficulties and challenges in a blended family are nobody's "fault", really, but they are the kids' fault least of all. If you want to be mad at someone or something, pick a target in which change is possible. You can't change your anatomy and the fact you can't have kids, so no use directing your anger there. You can, however, choose to view your stepkids as a chance to enjoy the company of children, which you sound like you want in your life so much, even if it means you can't do eery single thing their own mom might do. And, as you mentioned, you can't do all that much about whatever BM might choose to do to annoy you. But you can use your irritation at her to motivate you to find new ways of dealing with it, whether that's speaking up for yourself, working on boundaries, or taking up kickboxing to vent your rage. Whatever you choose to do, please try to avoid the all-too-common trap of directing your resentment at those kids. It won't make the situation any better for you, and definitely won't for anyone else either.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Wow! Good advice, Serenity! You are dead-on in this.

It's not the fault of the children. They are still really little and don't have their senses of reasoning and logic. They can't tell the difference between what they see and what they're told just yet.

There will become a time when they will be held accountable for their actions. At that point, you still have to be objective. They need to know that what they did was wrong, but you will also have to consider the motivation behind their actions.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

hmmm....I think some of you should volunteer to work in a children's psychiatric ward sometime.
Some of you seem to think that all children are just sweet and innocent.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Oh, I don't believe that. I just think these particular 3 kids are still too young to know what's going on.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I feel your pain, I am on the verge of hating my SD...it's an awful feeling but you feel what you feel. My SD is lazy as well, then actually tells her mother that I make her clean my house, what a crock! She is also a huge liar. My husband and I decided that when he is not home, his kids don't come over, I am thru being their nanny, that's why their mom got full custody, let her take care of them. She doesn't like me and I don't like her, so there is no point in us spending time together, we are just stuck in a problem cuz I also have a 6 year old SS, and my SD treats him really bad, my hubby is on board with me but we are at our wits end. My suggestion to you, don't marry him, trust me even if u love him a lot, don't marry him, doesn't mean u have to break up, just keep your independence in case things take a turn for the worse.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

- serenity -

I've read your post over and over and everytime I read it, the angrier I become.

It is so easy for someone to sit there and say what a person should do or shouldn't do or how they should or shouldn't feel. I'm here to tell you something...

No one can ever possibly know what it is like to be in someone else's shoes until they walk in them.

It makes me sick to always read people's responses defending these stupid kids and their actions.

I don't have a single ounce of sympathy for any of them.

In my mind, it is their fault and they should have never been born to start with and I wish with all my heart that I could go back and undo it. The ONLY reason he freaking married HER to begin with was he felt sorry for her. He was leaving for the Air Force (they had broken up 3 or 4 weeks prior to that by the way) and then she shows up at his house "Oh, I'm pregnant and my parents kicked me out and whine and whine and whine, and blah blah blah. So what does he do, he freaking marries her! and to make matters worse he has more stupid idiotic kids with her!

I get so angry because I can't do anything about it. To have someone tell me its not their fault and I shouldn't take my anger out on them and blah blah blah.

They aren't innocent okay? I think they are old enough to know what they are doing. Kids are NOT DUMB! They use the whole "oh they are only little and don't understand" to their advantage because THEY CAN! Because they know they can get away with stuff. Makes me sick my husband always patting them on the head and being all nicey nicey to them. I get so mad I want to spit.

Challenges in a blended family are nobody's fault? Are you insane? SHE is to blame and SHE is at fault for putting crap into their heads and turning everything I do for them against me. There is fault and there is blame. Don't you dare tell me it's nobody's fault. It's her fault for spreading her freaking legs and getting pregnant. It's his fault for getting her pregnant. It's both their fault for freaking getting married. It's her fault for cheating him while in the air force (TWICE). It's her fault for giving them up. It's his fault for freaking taking them and not giving them up for adoption or something. I'm so sick of hearing all the people defending the gosh dern bratty kids!

I don't want his kids. I don't want anything to do with them. PERIOD. I want them to go away and leave and never come back.

I want MY OWN FAMILY!

The kids are the problem. SHE is the problem and I want them gone.

A person can only take so much until they can't take it anymore. They can't deal with it anymore. Somethings got to give and that is all there is too it.

You can't enjoy the company of stupid step-kids when SHE is still in the picture, it DOES NOT happen and I'm sick and tired of trying and getting my heart ripped out of my chest. So don't you dare tell me about my anger and to stop venting it and directing it toward them. I will vent and direct it to whomever I darn well please!

You have no clue what it's like to want a child your whole freaking life and knowing you can NEVER have that! You have no clue what it's like to marry someone who you love with your whole heart and soul who has been married before with stupid kids and HER still being in the picture and SHE causing you grief all the stupid time and taking things from you, you've always wanted!!!!! So don't even with your self-rightoeus speach. Save it for someone who actually cares!

My life is falling apart and I can't do anything about it. He refuses to give them up, he refuses to limit his time with them. He doesn't listen to me or understand my feelings. I work ALL THE TIME while he stays home with his freaking kids and mom (we live right beside his mom). I can't take it anymore. I can't stand one more day of it.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

This is not StepTalk, that is probably a better forum for you to go to LadyTinkerbell if you want people to agree with your points of view. Unfortunately for you, 99% of the posters (stepmoms, stepkids, biomoms etc) are here for what is best for the children, not adults.

On another note, I am sorry you cannot have children. In my research (stepfamilies/adoption) I have read over and over again that infertility is considered a major trauma, much like a cancer diagnosis, spousal death etc. Have you tried any counseling? The fact of the matter here is that yes, you can vent and be mad at whoever you want for whatever reason you deem. But while you are doing that, you can't see outside of just who you are affecting. If your husband is any worth, he is not going to keep his kids in this toxic situation. He is not going to give them up for you. The childrens mother is not going to step away from them just because you are infertile. This is real life here. Get yourself some help.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

ladytinkerbell sounds like the evil stepmother that gives all step-parents a bad name. I hope your husband realizes what he's gotten himself and his children into and remove them from this situation = divorce. There is no other solution to your problem, because you are the problem. You really do need counseling.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I don't care if people agree with me or not. That makes no difference to me.

Don't patronize me and apologize. You don't me or anything about me and what I've been through in my life. I'm a cancer survivor (13months old, cancer in my uterus).

Counseling doesn't help because all I hear is what I'm doing wrong and blah blah. My husband does nothing to change how he does things.

I don't care about the kids. Period. I don't care what is affecting them or not affecting them. I hate them. I don't care.

He should have thought about having 3 freaking brats before hand so he could have figured out how to raise them instead of forcing everyone into a 5 room house, yes, that's right 5 ROOMS, a living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, and small dining room. That's it. That is the envrionment I'm in and I hate it.

SHE gave them up from the very beginning and just started coming around more often when he and I got married. Until then, she NEVER came around. Not ONCE. So, you can take your opinion and shove them as well.


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I really hate my husbands kids

mariealways as for you. I AM NOT THEIR STEP MOTHER! I am nothing to them and nor will I ever be.

I've thought about divorce, I've tried many times...my husband simply does not want me to leave. He loves me and I love him, very much. He knows how I feel about those kids of his. I can't stand them.

The only reason he has them...one word...Obligation. That's it. No one wants them. He is forced to take care of them, he doesn't want to, but he has to. They are a burden to everyone.

He also married her because he didn't want to pay child support to someone else, yes, that's right. He has another stupid kid from someone else, but at least he didn't marry her. And, we're not even sure if she is his or not.

Don't you dare judge me or think that you know anything about what's going on.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

You are on the internet. People can post whatever they like, whether you agree with it or not or want them to shove it. How old are you?

Yes, I understood the first time when you said you were 13 months old. But, as well, infertility is considered a major trauma and just from your posting here, it seems to have cropped as an issue in your child bearing years.

Also, I would really take anything your husband said about before you with a big grain of salt. You say that she came around more often when you and he got married, but then say she never came around once before then. Which was it? Apparently she was around for a few years, unless she just came by to have sex, leave, get pregnant, birth and then drop them off at his door.

Even if she was there rarely, it does not matter. Believe me, we all get here the frustration of an absent bio parent. I think pretty much every poster here gets that. But she is the mother, you have no rights. Sucks, but what are you going to do? Rant and rave on the internet? Or go get yourself some help?


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RE: more

Ah, ok. He's got multiple children with multiple women, huh? And his motivation is not to pay support. But he is a stand up guy? lol

What are you posting here for if you dont want anyone to have an opinion? Or are you just trying to get in tiffs here to release your real life frustration? What is your payoff by posting here? No one has anything you want to hear, so whats the point?


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Anyway...

After they divorced she NEVER CAME AROUND to visit the kids. We dated for over a year and SHE NEVER CAME not one time to visit them. How do I know this? Because I lived with him for that time and we lived right beside his mom and she took care of talking to her and what not, that is how I know. When he and I got married, guess what? She wanted her visitation EVERY WEEKEND!

I'm sick and tired of everyone defending people like her and the stupid kids they have.

What about the ones who are really hurt? how about them? the ones who have to deal the little brats everyday and not once get a thank you or feel like they are appreciated? Don't even.


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RE: ladytinker

Dont even what? Guess what that feeling is, LadyTinkerBell? That is parenting. My daughter doesnt grovel at my feet thanking me for having her or letting her live in my existence. Thats ridiculous.

If you want a thank you for preparing dinner, driving to activities etc...why dont you talk to your husband about that? Thats a rather simple issue to resolve. Its teaching manners, another parenting issue which you can contribute too.

I am curious, what are you really hurt about? The fact that he has kids or the fact that the mother is involved? If you could change anything, what would it be?


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Really Hurt

I'm hurt over everything. I'm hurt because I can't have any of my own. I'm hurt because I see tramps like her having them all the time and just "giving them up" like they're trash and when someone (me) steps up and tries to be a mom, they step back in and assert their biological crap and where does that leave me? It hurts. It breaks my heart and I can't take it anymore.

I'm hurt because he does have kids and I wish he didn't. I'm hurt because he's been with two others before me and has had kids with them, but not me.

I'm hurt because I'm expected to accept ALL OF THEM. Even the one he isn't sure is his.

I'm hurt because I tried so hard from the very beginning, I did everything and I didn't care about getting thank you's and things. I was just happy because I felt like I was getting the family I always wanted until she stepped in and changed it all.

I hate living beside the in-laws because they interfere and step on my territory. My husband doesn't understand this. He doesn't know what its like to be surrounded my someone else' family and rarely see's your own family. That is what it's like for me.

I feel like I don't have anything to call my own. I don't have a "place" just a steady pay check (he was laid off a few months ago).

I'm just all around angry and hurt. I stay depressed all the time. I'm not included in anything that has to do with them because I'm not their real mom. I feel left out all the time and just...not needed.


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RE:more

Well, it sounds to me from the little bit you have posted, it is clear that you are needed. There are quite a few stepmoms here that are pretty much the "Mom" because biomom (while still in the picture) is neglectful, selfish etc. Maybe JustNotMartha will come in and give you her story. It was very rough for her, still is, but she did develop the primary maternal relationship with her stepdaughter.

You have a lot of options and power here, LadyTinkerbelle. You can establish relationships and bonds with these children. I know you said earlier that you dont want to, but to me it sounds like it was the rejection you didnt want, but did want the kids?

Why not start with a list of short term goals? Things that you need to happen. Husband gets a job. Kids/husband/you show all of each other appreciation. Etc. And then another list of long term goals.

And to be honest, counseling. Not all counselors are the same, it sounds you like you have had some bad experiences with counselors. Try finding one that deals with trauma, not just one for stepfamilies (and to be honest there are not very many good ones in my experience for stepfamilies) Find one for yourself, you are not all wrong. No one is every ALL wrong, so please try. You may think it is for everyone else, but honestly it will help YOU the most.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Ladytinkerbelle: I am not a mean or nasty person but I have to say this.
GET YOURSELF SOME HELP
The father of these kids needs to get you out of the kids lives. You are an evil wicked stpemother. Kids are kids it does not matter if they are not yours. In reading eveything you have posted you appear to be mentally challanged. Do what is best for everyone in this situation. LEAVE NOW!!!!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

The more I read the more I am glad this horrible woman can not have kids of her own.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I doubt this poster is for real, no one can seriously talk like that. and if she is for real then some serious psychitriac help is in order, it doesn't sound normal. and her husband is quiet a catch, he got married so he doesn't have to pay child support. "nice family". poor children...


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Hi ladytinkerbelle - on the chance this is a real post I wanted to comment on a few things -

I read here all the time, but rarely post - your situation sounds very familiar to me - I just want to tell you that I understand the rage you are feeling

I went thru very similiar situation with my SS - his BM was not in the picture until I came along - and then she only showed up every now and then to assert her BM status and create havoc - and then I was left to pick up the pieces from SS who thought his mother was the best thing ever, regardless of the fact she never did a thing for him. On top of that, I spent many years working overtime to provide things for SS that he did not appreciate, and for the most part received disrespect and mistreatment - if I could go back I would do things different -

I will not debate the fact that your Skids mother sounds like trash - I know my SS Bm is trash - and I spent many years being enraged - so angry at times I thought horrible things that I never told anyone and would never have posted on here - but what I eventually realized is that, regardless how valid my feelings were or not, they were only eating me up on the inside - they weren't doing a thing to BM -

When I almost died having my own daughter, my feelings of rage intensified - I had carefully planned my life and I had planned on having at least 2 more of my own and could not. I took one look at my BD and would have died for her, I understood BM even less, who did not take care of ANY of her children and she was able to pop them out 1 right after the other with no problem and then distribute them out to their respective father

Maybe this is what your feeling, maybe not but I just wanted to say - go ahead get all the rage out, vent away - but then move on from there - its a choice - don't stay there - maybe look into adoption, consult a therapist, do what you need to do to move on, maybe you do need to leave - or maybe things can be worked out - a therapist could help you figure things out


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RE: a bit of a hypothetical ramble on the lesser of 2 evils

Nivea, as usual, I agree with everything you say... and admire your constructive advice and seeing the hurt underneath the fightin' words.

For those of you familiar with Thurman's posts, that's a bit what this reminds me of... it's like the very explicitness and even audacious talk of resenting the kids makes it all the more obvious that this is not the real issue... and that it kinda even seems like Thurman & LadyTink have an awareness of this too.

What they're going to do about it remains to be seen, but I dare say I would rather read the words "I wish the kids didn't exist" in plain English, with exclamation marks, than read words like "I don't understand why they feel a need to visit so often" in a genteel and utterly dumbfounded calm. The difference is that ---at least I think, I hope--- Thurman & LadyTink know they dislike their stepkids, know that that feeling of dislike is located within them, whereas the other is in denial of any dislike in the first place. Both can be destructive, of course, until they at least take equal ownership of the choice THEY made (i.e. BM made a choice to spread her legs, DH made a choice to stick it in, SM made a choice to marry someone with kids)... but I think the latter type is even more hurtful to the kids b/c when it's obvious enough that the step-parent hates you, you can at least start to deflect some of that with "that's THEIR issue, their loss". But when the step-parent doesn't even consciously admit that they resent the stepkids' existence, then every little thing the step-kid does is picked apart and criticized, first by the step-parent but soon enough by the step-kid him/herself, and all the stepkid can feel is "my gawd, what's WRONG with ME?"

Not saying it should just be acceptable to go around saying you resent your step-kids for existing... But I guess I see it as a further step along towards facing the problem and hopefully resolving it, instead of it being shoved underground and contorted into all kinds of self-esteem-shattering manifestations onto some poor kid who can't even begin to unravel the vague vagaries of the mysteriously-defined-yet-constant disapproval. I had that experience with my stepmother... and though it did get more and more obvious to me that it was her problem and that she did very clearly resent my existence... I wonder if it all would have been quite as bad if she had come out and said ---to anyone, starting with herself--- "I just wish he didn't have kids before me". Maybe I would have understood, or at least realized that her general displeasure in my company was beyond my ability to control... and maybe she would have realized it too eventually.... and we both could have been relieved of a ton of insecurity, paranoia and stressful self-monitoring.

Admitting it out loud is a step, LadyTink & Thurman, but what ---for the sake of everyone, including yourselves--- are you going to do aboout it?


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I don't know how you can possibly compare LadyTink to Thurman. Thurman definitely has his issues, but he doesn't even begin to ooze this kind of hatred.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Only in the open-ness about it, and what seems like at least a partial realization that their own feelings are a factor in the disharmony in their respective stepfamilies... But I do agree with you that they are two completely different scenarios.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I think this poster was very real and I agree with Serenity in many of her assesments.

Think about it, how many posters (and they all have seemed to post once or twice and magically disappear) have come here with rants and vents about the stepchildren but there are no *real* concrete examples. I suspect many of these posters do have these feelings like Thurman and Ladytink, but instead of owning them, they are making up excuses and justifications for their own poor behavior. The child acts like his mom, the mom didnt raise them right etc. It is everyone else, not them. In that case, Serenity imo is very correct that Thurman and Ladytink are further along.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I wish this website would have been available twenty years ago. I was 28 with a 12 year old stepson, 2 year old son and a baby daughter. His mother had drug problems and my husband dumped his son with me and traveled all the time. He was a completely non=involved father. SO I listened to the stepson cry and rage because his parents didnt love him. I tried the best I could to be his mother, but at times in my frustration, I misdirected my own resentment for having to raise a child that was not my own at him. Fast forward to this day he recognizes me as his "Mom" and forgave me for the times when I faltered and was a lousy parent. My issue though is this: My brother and his wife have an adopted son. Because my mother made a negative comment comparing my biological son with his adopted son, my brother and his wife have taken their anger about it out on me because I treated my stepson differently than my biological children. I had enough of my own guilt to deal with, I did not need the harsh irreplaced anger from them also. I was young and struggling mother with three children and an absent husband who I later divorced. When I became divorced my family was thrilled and let me know in a myriad of ways. I know now that it is very normal for step parents to feel differently about their own children. Hey, its instinct. I loved my stepson. I still do. But I would challenge anyone to understand that being a step parent is one of the most difficult relationships thereis. I mean you are basically being handed a strangers child that is already formed in mind and opinion and expected to suddenly love them as your own. Very few people can do that. My brother and his wife will never understand it. And I am so tired of having to carry their judgement over a stupid comment my mother made. So I am dumping it all here. LOL


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

So I googled 'hating a step child' and this was the first site. I'm not sure what I was looking for... advice, compassion, that I could be normal...? I have a 9 year old step son and yesterday was a LONG HARD day between the 2 of us. Reading all these posts has given me a LOT to think over. My step son drives me mad. I often have to appologize to other people for his spazy behavior. After reading some of the posts on here I was hoping that there would be some feedback from people who were stepkids. What would have worked for them, and what really made you hate your step parent? I want to love my stepson, but he makes it SO damn difficult. AND all you people who are not a step parent have NO clue what it is like. I am expected to unconditionally love a child whom I don't have control over. If his mother doesn't want him going to church... then I can't take him. You non step parents out there have NO clue what that feeling is like! So if you are a step kid and reading this... pleeeeeease help a Step Mom out and tell me... what can I do to make the relationship easier between me and my stepson.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

As a SS, I give this advice. When 2 BC are arguing, butt out. Don't try to to be the boss.Let them sort each other out or tell their BD. Also, don't get introduced too strongly too soon. Give them time alone with BD and GRADUALLY become part of it. If one BC is starting to be absent from activities, don't try to fill in for him/her. Also try to smile and be friednly. SC hate grumps


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

WHAT I DISLIKE IS THE INCOMPETENCE AND STUPIDITY THESE WOMEN TREAT THIS SITUATION WITH.. MAYBE ITS NOT YOUR STEPCHILDS FAULT, AT 10 THEYRE STILL GETTIN MOLDED, I REALLY FEEL SORRY FOR THEM FOR HAVING YOU AS MENTORS, I CANT BELIEVE A GROWN WOMAN LETS A 10 YEAR OLD TAKE CONTROL, GOES AND HIDES IN THE CLOSET SCARED AND THEN BLAMES IT ON THE KID....QUIT BEING STUPID, PICK UP YOUR PRISSY SKIRT AND GIVE THE KID LOVE AND RESPECT, BECAUSE REMEMBER RESPECT IS NOT GIVEN ITS EARNED AND IF YOU CHOSE TO MARRY A MAN WITH A CHILD, THEN YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTIN YOURSELF INTO. IF NOT NOWADAYS ANY JUDGE CAN DIVORCE A COUPLE, CUZ GUESS WHAT THEIR SON OR DAUGHTER WILL ALWAYS BE THEIR SON AND DAUGHTER BUT YOU CAN GET REPLACED JUST LIKE THEIR FIRST WIFE WAS........THINK ABOUT IT IDIOT......


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

(FIRST! I am a very terrible writer, the ideas are in my head but i have a hard time putting them in correct words) I am a 15 year old boy, my parents are divorced and both remarried. I stay a week with my dad then week with my mom, repeat. Both of my step parents have a resentment for me and I will tell you that I feel the same way for both of them, but unlike most of you I am willing to try to look at our situation though their eyes and sometimes that will change my perspective and sometimes it wont. I read all the posts here and even I could see the immaturity of some of these grown women here. Those of you that say you hate or dislike your step son or daughter obviously have no idea what they are thinking or how they feel, maybe if you did you wouldn't feel that way. With my dad that remarried, I have a manipulative step mom that has never showed an ounce of love or caring towards me. She now has a 2 year old son with my dad and she spoils him all the time, when I was around 7 i remember her yelling at me and my dad about how he spoils me and trys to make me happy. To me this has shown that possible feeling toward a biological child will almost always be "different" (for lack of a better word) then how you could feel about a step child no matter how you think. My mom has been married to her new husband for almost 1 year now and he has never told me, but the way he acts towards me and attitude SCREAMS I wish you would go live with your dad full time. He has a 24 year old son that still lives at home, has no job, doesn't go to school, steals things from all of us and my mom is constantly complaining that his son is eating all of "her" food and leaves messes everywhere and so on...all the usual. There are enough other things in my life that have to do with this topic that i could probably wright i book. But my point is that whatever side of the battle you are on(adult-child), your both just trying to have a happy existence at home. People don't do things just because...there is always a reason and you must always look into that reason and try to gain perspective on why they feel a certain way or do certain things before getting angry about it. I hope I made a little bit of sense. (probably not) Is it really their fault? email me.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

To Jesse...I think you did a fantastic job putting what you thought out there! ;)

I understand peoples need to vent their issues, but someone stated that everyone is entitled to their rebuttal and difference of opinion to your words, which, as much as the ventor hates to admit, is true. With that being said, I am going to post my situation in order to "vent" and hope that the rebuttals I receive are not as harsh as some I have read before.

I have been in my relationship for three years. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage, but right now I am at the stage of "if it aint broke dont fix it." I know I love him, he loves me, we have purchased a new home together just this past February, have proclaimed our commitment, ect. I mean absolutely no disrespect to those of you in a conventional institution of marriage...but this is my current preference. I view him as my husband; there just isnt an official piece of paper and walk down the aisle that says he is....

With that being said, my boyfriend (who will be further referred to as BF) is divorced with two children, a daughter who is 12 and a son who is 4. Now for those of you who are good at math, I want to explain that BF was already separated and moved out when the youngest was conceived. Call it a last ditch effort, a trick pregnancy, an accident, what have you, but the point is it was not enough to reconcile the relationship.

I met him through a family member (they were best friends), and we became friends, and then it snowballed, and, well, you get the point. The divorce was official a year after we began "dating," and within the first year he wanted me to meet the children, but I did not think it was appropriate with him still being officially married, because never mind the fact that his relationship was already over far before I came along, I knew that introducing me to the children would cement the vision of, "this is why daddy left mommy." And knowing BioMom the way I do now, I know for a fact that this is a storyline she clung to for dear life and a bedtime story that was often told to the kids (well at least the oldest, since the younger one was, and still is, too young to understand what is going on).

Anyway, after the first year came the divorce, and with the second year I reasoned that we should allow the children time to adjust to the fact that their parents were no longer married. Now, if I am being honest with myself and with all of you, I should say that at this point, I was happy with it being just the two of us. I dont have any children, and am perfectly fine with this fact. The ability to get up and go whenever I please suits my nature, and BF had his two hour Thursdays when he would see the kiddos so in my book all was well. At this point BF was not getting the kids for his weekends because the youngest was not able to go on overnights and Biomom is a stickler for if he cant do it/she cant do it (the story on separation anxiety will come later), it was easier to not argue, and what would I argue about anyway, things were great the way we had them.

So, just last year I told BF enough time had gone by, and the scenario wasnt making sense. I mean, he had his children in one world, and our life in another. I didnt think it was fair to him to have to live separate existences like that, and it was time to have his children visiting him in his home so that he could take advantage of his weekends (the youngest had turned three at this point so we were good to go). It was a MAJOR battle with BioMom of course, she was NOT happy to have them leave her home and come to ours, especially since she is CRAZY attached, and fiercely territorial, but whatever, court rules are court rules.

After a VERY awkward meeting (on both their part and mine, full of nerves and hesitancy), we were off to a decent start. In the beginning I tried to please. We would go on picnics to the park to fly kites, and his oldest would have slumber parties with her cousins (whom I had been interacting with since BF and I got together and I get along absolutely fine with) with me playing hostess, and making cupcakes with them, and playing Wii games, there were skating parties and all that jazz. BF was happy; here was the blended family he has always wanted.

So whats the problem you ask? The problem in the situation is that I am not "used" to children, which is a given, since I dont have any of my own and have never had to assume a "STEP MOM" like role, but even further is the issue of dealing with kids that are being reared predominately outside of our home. The oldest has a mouth on her and I come from the old school of no talking back, respecting your elders, ect. Her mother talks to her like a thirty two year old "home girl" instead of the twelve year old young lady that she is SUPPOSED to be. The youngest is SPOILED rotten. I mean, this kid does not even hold his own cup when he drinks his juice...Another issue, which we have been working on, and have made SIGNIFICANT progress on, is the fact that the kids are pretty antisocial. By this I mean that BioMom has them play with each other and ONLY each other. They are co-dependent upon one another, and until they started spending weekends with us (we lived in a townhome prior to buying the house we live in now), had never even slept apart from one another. There was no end of separation anxiety in the beginning. Since she is way older there were things she is allowed to do that he isnt, but she would always pass to stay with her brother (guilt ridden, which freaked me out) until she started seeing how much fun it was to start playing with her cousins and other girls her age instead of only her baby brother (whom she treated like her OWN child, which unnerved me as well, but thats a whole different thread). We have since gotten them to sleep in their own respective rooms, (they live in a two bedroom with BioMom and her boyfriend, and they share a room there, but they each have their own space when they come over here) so that has gotten better, but there are times when S just climbs into his sisters lap and sits there, or clings to her, or she OVERLY coddles him and it is just SUPER annoying to me. I will leave a room however if its bothering me, and I dont say a word about it, I leave it to their dad. This is another issue since I believe that he is parenting a bit out of guilt...

Lately, I notice I have taken to retreating from them altogether. Since we have moved into the new home I have taken to not wanting to partake of the little circle. Once this began happening, BF became concerned because he assumed we were melding into one big happy family, but I realized I was pretty much playing the part. I was attempting to be "SUPER STEPMOM" but honestly, I was not feeling it, and was not overly excited about the situation. I started being resentful, and I would take to crying silently the day they were due to arrive. I noticed a previous poster saying they felt like a hostage in their own home, and I am sad to say I understand that sentiment.

Sometimes I do make an appearance during their visit (and really only because it has become a source of argument between BF and I. He wants me to be "more involved"). So I take his daughter to go get pedicures, and to the book store (she is an avid reader, as am I). She seeks me out when they come to visit, and I feel that she has bonded with me. As a twelve year old girl, she really has no current connection to her dad. Hes her dad and she loves him, but there will be no talking to him about boys and periods�.so I can see why she seeks me out when she is here. I dont particularly find her a major problem, I just notice when she tends to linger, I am silently praying that she "goes away and lets me be."

The youngest�well, I dont have too much to do with him anymore. At four he has already started the lying process that some other posters have mentioned and I was AGHAST at such behavior in a child. Especially since it was ME he was lying about, and I DID NOT appreciate it. So, to say there is some dislike on my end for him is a bit of an understatement. To, the fact that he resembles his mother, not only in looks but in behavior, Im sure adds to my "dislike" and resentment. I can admit this and am constantly praying to God to aid me with acceptance, more patience, and the ability to let the stuff I cannot change go!

My main annoyance is the expectation that I be "involved." I mean, they are HIS children, and they come to spend time with HIM. I have no problem giving them their space to hang out with dad when they come, in fact, I PREFER this, but he wants me RIGHT THERE. I believe this is largely out of the dream of melding his two worlds, but also because he is afraid of having to deal with them by himself. He has never had to do this before. I am soooo not downing him, I can just see his trepidation, however I feel it is unwarranted because he is such an AWESOME father.

I am well aware of the fact that I am an adult, and they are children. I am well aware that its a difficult adjustment for everyone involved (I wont say especially the kids, because I feel that grownups have just a hard of a time and there is NO NEED to feel like a horrible person for feeling the way one does). So whats the point? I dont have one. I just wanted to spill my story and let those out there know that, no, they are not alone, and that it is a difficult situation no matter the scenario or individuals involved. There was one thing I read throughout the "shaky" STEP PARENTs posts that was a constant and that was that most of them often stated that they loved their significant other, and I guess I believe thats the main thing that one has to hold on to.

The kids are coming today and I am feeling anxiety and apprehension about sharing my space, (I didnt cry today, so thats improvement). I have asserted that I will smile when they get here and grin and bear it and just begin the countdown til Sunday. Will I ever feel completely at ease in this situation? I dont know, but what I do know is, that I will NOT stop trying!

Wish me luck.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I'm glad you won't stop trying because you love your BF and obviously he loves you. I feel for the kids though. And I hope one day you don't feel sk anxious when they are visiting or feel like a prisoner of your own home. All those kids have are each other. Mom is not doing them any good, sharing rooms with the age difference (it's against the law in my state), girl feels she has to 'parent'baby brother. Dad sounds like hes trying so hard to give them a family and then you who can't stand them to come around. They really only have each other.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Myfampg,

Wow, I did not realize that having two children with different age ranges share a room could be against the law! But I totally agree that it should be! It's a bit creepy, especially when I think about them getting older. I mean right now its a bit weird, but when shes 16 and and he's 8, well, I can just let the vision do its own work.

I also hope that one day this call just feel "natural." I often feel guilty because I do not possess that "maternal" gene that society says women are supposed to have. Hence the reason I have yet to repoduce! lol. I understand my need for selfishness, and thats not a quality one can possess when they have a child. Selflessness is what I see in most mothers, and I'm not there yet. And I don't think its a bad thing, (it would be if I had a child and still possessed this attitude, but since I don't, its ME ME ME! lol).

I don't feel like all they have is each other...at least not anymore. It is true that I can not stand them to come around, but this is not something that is conveyed in any way shape or form to them! I understand kids are sensitive to attitudes and they are not dumb (ESPECIALLY BF's kids, they both are EXCEPTIONALLY smart), so I'm not being naive in thinking that they are clueless. They know what is going on (especially Ms Thang cause she is always in grown folks conversations...) so I make SURE to not be rude, or ugly to them when they are here.

And in so doing that I do notice that I distance myself MOST from the little one. The little one is the one I have a problem with. I catch myself not looking at him sometimes so that I can ignore the things he does, not get pissed, and fly off the handle. He's so little and the adjustment is difficult, I know this, but it doesnt mean that I am not entitled to feel the way I feel. So, hence my apprehension of the situation. I catch myself being fake for their sake and I hate myself for it....

Yesterday we had a pretty good day. We took the kids to his brothers home so they could play with their cousins, and then we brought my BF's neice to spend the night with BF's daughter. I stayed up with them slumberpartying until the wee hours of the morning. The girls had the giggles and just WOULD NOT go to bed!

So, I realize it is not his daughter I have a problem with. We get along fine, and I can tell she really enjoys me. I believe she doesnt do the things with her mother that she does here, and I agree about the fact that she feels the need to "parent" her little brother. In the beginning my BF was constantly fighting her for parental control. Its amazing to see how she has reverted back into a little girl in the past year. At first she swore up and down she was a grown woman (her manner of talking and acting conveyed her belief that she was grown, and again, I blame BioMom for this because that woman is something else with the way she treats her daughter). However, now that she has learned the rules and flow of our house she realizes that she can relax, play with her friends and cousins, and leave the parenting of little brother to us. She steps out of line every now and again, but we work with her to constantly implement her age appropriate role.

They went with dad for the day to spend time with her sister, and I stayed home, and I feel at peace today that so far the weekend is not terrible. I am hanging in their and have just one more day to go before my home goes back to "my space" again. But so far so good!

I have to just remind myself that I can do this. I have done it so far, I am doing it, and I will continue to do it until it gets easier...and if that day never comes I will accept mildly tolerable! :)

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement, it really is appreciated!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Well this is definitly the place to come to vent, to feel encouraged, for advice. I don't have much advice but I wanted to offer encouragement so I'm glad that was how it came out.
It doesn't seem like you have a lot of the normal stepkid issues that most people have. I am glad to see that you realize your situation and want it to get better and it will! If you want it to, it will. I have a 3 yr old son and his energy and constant go go go exhausts me.. So I can see how since this isn't your child, you aren't taking to him. I'm glad you are building a bond with the daughter because a girl can actually be the hardest one to bond with in a stepparent relationship. Too much competition for daddy's attention and it really sounds like you are doing a great job of being the 'cool' 'friend' and not discipling and having the 'this is my house, my rules, get over it'. I am sure it's hard to balance when kids have different rules at different houses. I am kind of a laid back parent but there are still some things I will not tolerate but my exhusband complains that I just let my daughter do whatever and there is no structure or routine and that's not true... He just doesn't know how it is here. My husband is the 'cool' parent with my daughter because he sees that as his place. Not all stepfamilies will work that way because a lot of stepmom's (especially on this forum) are custodial parents and they are the 'mom's' of the entire household so they can't just take the backseat role. Most are having to do the pick up drop off discipline, house rules, dinner, bedtime and then get no reward because 'they are only the stepmom' but expected to be 100% at all other times. Now in your situation, the kids don't live with you, so your role of hanging out, being cool, and letting dad handle situations is how I believe it should be. It sounds like your BF takes responsibility for doing his parenting and that is awesome for you. I think taking time apart so he can spend time with his kids alone is wonderful. In fact, when we were seeing a therapist to fix our situation, my daughter complained that she never sees dad. She 'has' to go to his house and be away from us but he is never there because he works-- she is left with stepmom whom I feel is probably resentful that she is having to do 'mine and dad's job while dad works and she doesn't want to but has done nothing to change it. My daughter feels that tension and hates going over there when dad isn't home. So the therapist said, dad needs to spend one on one time with her to get to know her and so that she can ge from him what she needs without having to feel in competition for his time since he has so little time to give. So you guys are doing something awesome for he kids already by letting them have their dad alone and you aren't feeling 'left out' like some might feel. My daughter's stepmom was pissed when this was suggested because she wanted to know 'what am I supposed to do while they are gone??' therapist said. Spend time with your own child. Go to a movie. Call a girlfriend. Stepmom said. But we are a family and we do everything as a family. And therapist said once a weekend for a few hours, dad and daughter need to go out and spend one on one time together so that daughter is getting what she needs from dad. Period.
They don't do it but it doesn't change that it's the right thing to do.
Hang in there -- I can't say it WILL get better but I sure hope it does.

And no it's not illegal for kids to sleep in the same room at different ages, it's illegal for opposite sex children to share a room after a certain age difference. Like my kids are 7 yrs apart and they cannot share a room because they are boy/girl. And yes! When she is 16 and he is 8, omwow that will be awful!! I shared a room with my teenage sister when I was 8 and it was awful! And she was a girl.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

it's illegal for opposite sex children to share a room after a certain age difference.

You might want to check on that. I think it's an urban legend. It might be true for foster care in some places. But someone could be telling you that to intimidate you.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

myfampg,

Thank you thank you thank you for not ripping me to shreds and making me feel like a horrible human being! lol.

As far as what I read, I do see that my "blended family issues" are not a bad as some, but I believe it is because of my attitude that things are not worse here. Most of the issues I've seen have to do with the way the Step Parents are reacting to the situations. I realize that 95% of the situation is what I make of it, and the other 5% is totally out of my control, so I better get on board or leave. Thats really what it boils down to in the long run. I dont think that people need to be happy with their situations and everyone is entitled to their feelings, but just sitting and bi*chin about it WILL NOT make it better. You have to attack from all angles to figure out how you can best manage the situation for ALL involved. This is something that troubles me, for as Ive stated, its been me for so long that I forgot its no longer just "me", or just "me and him," but for two weekends out of the month its "all of us." And thats scary to me! But I buckle down and say to myself, "this is how it is, how its gonna be, and if I want to be with the man that I love I better get with the program." I've told him that I dont know if I will ever love them as my own, the best I could hope for is a frienship with them, and as far as his daughter is concerned we're cool. That little one though....eeech!

As far as letting the kids spend time with dad, I have definitely told BF that if he has to work a weekend that the kids are due to come it is his responsibility to call and tell them that he will be unavailable due to work conflict and that he will see them when he gets his two hour Thursday. I do not believe in having the kids come over and hang out with me. They are not coming to visit daddys girlfriend, they come to see daddy and if daddy isnt home, well theres no point in them coming. That may sound cold on my part, but it works very well for all involved. The kids get to stay with their mom, BF doesnt have to feel guilty of working while I take care of the kids, and I dont feel resentment for having to pull duty on something I dont feel I should be responsible for on my own. Also, its kind of like an "absence makes the heart grow fonder moment." When they do come over, its that much more fun for them because it has been awhile.

They did come for Christmas break for the whole week and for three of the days BF had to work, so they were stuck with me. We went to the beach (I live in south Texas, so its pretty much summer even a week before Christmas), to the park, ect. But my nerves were frazzled having to do it alone, and I told him, Im sorry baby, but I wont do this again. I didnt find it fair, and we have agreed that the arrangement of him either being available 100% for them when they come or they dont is what we would adhere to. Its a sweet arrangement, IMO.

Let me just say I am glad that the weekend it over. I handled myself well, there were no arguments, or incidents to speak of, and everyone left happy. Those little triumphs go a long way in preserving my sanity! So, now I have 12 days before we do it all over again!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I think if more non custodial parents and stepparents had your arrangement then the world would be a happier place. It is what it is. The kids are not going to visit dad's girlfriend, they are visiting dad and if dad isn't home, then they don't need to come (unless everyone involved is ok with the arrangement) I believe my daughter and her stepmom would have a much better time together if dd wasn't missing dad so much and stepmom wasn't resentful that she is doing 'his job' but no one changes the situation. I'm excited to read a positive post with someone who knows how they feel and where they stand and aren't afraid to say 'I can't do it'.

And Susan yes it's illegal in my state
Maybe not foster care but children and family website states each child of opposite sex must have their own sleeping area and space. My own lawyer told me not to allow older dd to share a room with new baby because biodad could use it to gain custody.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

our lawyer told us the same.... different genders cannot share rooms. She even made a comment about same gender/different age. My ss and my ds share a room. They are 10 and 11.... she said that was totally fine. My dh works in apartments.... it's also illegal to have more then a certain amount of people in so many bedroom apartments. Example.... 2 people per bedroom. They cannot rent to people who would be more then that.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

There are occupancy laws, which are very different than child custody laws. It is legal to set a limit on how many people may reside in one place, or be in a restaurant at one time.

I've looked and looked and can't find any state with an active statute that states two children cannot share a room if they are different genders. There are only recommendations and requirements that there is adequate space for everyone. CPS may bring it into question when they determine the best place for the child if CPS is already in the mix, but there is no way the government can require a family to have separate rooms for children.

This is an urban legend.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Well, IMO, this SHOULD be a requirement. The fact that these kids are getting "trained" that seperation is okay, and then go back to the living conditions of sharing the same space with BioMom FRUSTRATE the hell out of me!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I have been with my husband for 8 years just recently got married & now I am starting to regret it! Our journy with the kids has been good bad and worst.His daughters are 10 and 7 my oldest is 9 we have 2 together 6 and 2.....I f you do the math yes he had a child while we were in a relationship. In the begining i tried very hard to create a relationship but between him and there mom there was always a problem i have been lied on saying i hit the little girl and i was furious because he even questioned me about it when the mother is a known liar & was trying everything to break us up. I tried so many avenues to build a relationship like take them shopping to get there nails done so on snd so on but for any reason always shot down by mom or father to the point where I said F*** it. I have my own damn kids. I am not gonna keep trying to prove myself to anybody. They went through a custody issue and now he has them 3 weekends and every other week during the summer and I dread all of it. Now that we are maried he is desperateley wanting me to have a relationship with them but guess what...I could care less I have endured so much pain that i think i have become bitter and I hate this feeling. I feel like everything involving them is so damn extra. there behavior is do diffrent and I understand that it is from the way they are being raised but he acts as if the behavior is non existant unless its extreme. ex. I caught his daughter pulling down her pants trying to sit on top of my son wth.. My children do not behave like this but they bring all of there bad habits to my home and I hate it he pays all that damn child support and still has to do for them its not fair. i work all week I have people to watch my children but for what... when they are coming over...we have no us time! He is a very good husband and I always said if we ever broke up it will be because he has children with another women because other than that its wonderful,. Im tired of all the extra stuff we are trying to move and can not really afford a 4 bedroom he wants his daughters to have there own room which I agree but I dont think its fair for my boys to have to share a room when they only come over on the weekends I know I sound selfish but he created this because when i tried and tried cried and cried he pushed me away now the shoe is on the other foot because i really dont care but I hate feeling this way. I dont hate them at all but I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when they are around and I hate that I think we should just split!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I have been with my husband for 8 years just recently got married & now I am starting to regret it! Our journy with the kids has been good bad and worst.His daughters are 10 and 7 my oldest is 9 we have 2 together 6 and 2.....I f you do the math yes he had a child while we were in a relationship. In the begining i tried very hard to create a relationship but between him and there mom there was always a problem i have been lied on saying i hit the little girl and i was furious because he even questioned me about it when the mother is a known liar & was trying everything to break us up. I tried so many avenues to build a relationship like take them shopping to get there nails done so on snd so on but for any reason always shot down by mom or father to the point where I said F*** it. I have my own damn kids. I am not gonna keep trying to prove myself to anybody. They went through a custody issue and now he has them 3 weekends and every other week during the summer and I dread all of it. Now that we are maried he is desperateley wanting me to have a relationship with them but guess what...I could care less I have endured so much pain that i think i have become bitter and I hate this feeling. I feel like everything involving them is so damn extra. there behavior is do diffrent and I understand that it is from the way they are being raised but he acts as if the behavior is non existant unless its extreme. ex. I caught his daughter pulling down her pants trying to sit on top of my son wth.. My children do not behave like this but they bring all of there bad habits to my home and I hate it he pays all that damn child support and still has to do for them its not fair. i work all week I have people to watch my children but for what... when they are coming over...we have no us time! He is a very good husband and I always said if we ever broke up it will be because he has children with another women because other than that its wonderful,. Im tired of all the extra stuff we are trying to move and can not really afford a 4 bedroom he wants his daughters to have there own room which I agree but I dont think its fair for my boys to have to share a room when they only come over on the weekends I know I sound selfish but he created this because when i tried and tried cried and cried he pushed me away now the shoe is on the other foot because i really dont care but I hate feeling this way. I dont hate them at all but I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when they are around and I hate that I think we should just split!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I'm wondering the same thing. I'm curious why you married him and had two children with him when he had a child with another woman while you were with him?? You should have cut your lossses then. But you didn't so we'll move on.

I always see a red bitter flag lined in green when someone brings up how much child support is paid. It is what it is. His children are young so you have many more years of being married to a man that pays child support. The bitterness doesn't end when you feel that him supporting his kids is hindering what your family could be doing, such as moving into a bigger home.

I can see that he would want his daughters to have their own room but you guys have a lot of kids together and that just might not be possible. I agree that since they don't live there it does not make sense for them to have their own room while your full time kids have to share. On another note, any blended family professional would tell you that all children need their own space. Some where to call their own and to have their things and somewhere to go when they need time to themselves. My daughter's therapist said she needed her own room at her father's house but it was his opinion that she could just share with his stepdaughter. It works for the two girls for now, so it's not really an issue.

Good luck and welcome!! This is a great place to vent!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

My stepson has come to visit for the summer. However my husband works a lot and so I am in charge of taking care of this child. I have never liked him and wish I would have gone with my gut about the situation before getting married because it has now caused major stress for me and a huge strain in my marriage.

I did not read all the posts but I would like to say this... To those of you who are bad mouthing this poor women I would like ask if any of you are experts in this? Are you family therapists? No? Then maybe you should think before you speak!! I go to a family therapist once a week and she has said that some people have traits that just get under our skin. People who are spoiled, self centered, mean people are difficult to like. EVEN as children! What I think you are missing is that this women, regardless of how she feels about her stepson still treats him with respect and equality. That is pretty darn commendable in my opinion.

This morning I faked being sick. My husband had planned a day trip but the mere thought of being in the car all day with this child threw me into a panic attack and I just couldn't do it. I resent my stepson for this because I would have loved to go. Of course this is unfair to him so I never verbalize these thought to him or his father. We are human, with human emotions. We can't always help how we feel but we can help how we deal with those feelings. The fact that this women does EVERYTHING for her stepson even though she dislikes him is a true testament that she is a good person. I hope I reach that point with my stepson.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I totally agree, and I really understand how you feel. My stepson gets under my skin something fierce. Sometimes I can't bear to look at him cause my blood begins to boil and I get red in the face. It is SUCH a difficult position to be in to not really care for someone, but be on your p's and q's to not be ugly to the individual and just deal with it on your own time.

I used to cry when my step kids were due to come for the weekend (always in private, my husband has never known this and will never know)....he knows that it is hard for me, but I am such the hostess when they are here that the true extent of my anxiety has never been shown to him. I try to discuss how I feel, but it is a touchy subject that'll do more harm that good so I leave it be.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, and the only advice I can give is to keep going and don't give up. I don't know if it will ever get better...I don't cry anymore when they are due to come over, but I am not excited about it either...but I continue to try and pray about it, and hope that one day the animosity I feel will dissapate and we can be, at best, a warm blended family while they are in our home!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I am not sure which post you are commenting on, this thread is from 2006 and many people added their own stories to this thread.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Po1 I think the replies are to the newest post and adding their own stories.

I've been in therapy long enough to know that most of the problem is not the actual child but the child's existence is a reminder of a life that came before the current spouse and new family. I could love a spoiled kid all day long but add in that he came from a woman I despise and a man whom I am in love with and maybe want a family with of my own and maybe I can't have a family of my own for whatever reason, that kid is going to get on my nerves for simply being a reminder to me of what I don't have, what someone else once had and what they continue to haven in common that I will never be able to share in or take away/change.

And of course the kid could just a manipulative brat and could very well be spoiled, entitled, rude, bad mannered which might give me reason to be annoyed by said kid, however, if said kid was my own child, hate wouldn't even be in my vocabulary but because I do not unconditionally love this human being that came from my whomb, bad manner, bad breath, stinky feet, annoying whine... I am going to use the word hate because I can't possibly find the word love because it's not part of a bond I will ever be able to form, with another woman's child.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Myfam, I wish I could say that what you just said is despicable and wrong and how dare you.

Truth is, I think you're being very honest about a very real human emotion. I think it's hardwired in.

I would hope that I'd never hate a child and be able to maintain dignity and maturity but.... truth is I've felt so many emotions. and when I was very young and had a fiancee for three years with a very small daughter it was even harder. 2,3,4 year olds... and I'd never had a child or siblings... and the kid really wanted nothing to do with me (for good reason, I suppose... no blame) but I tried even as I disagreed 100% with the way they were raising their little spoiled brat diva in training.

Oh. So many emotions. Becoming a married SM at 30+ is a whole different experience. But I still know what you are saying.

So hard.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Silver -- you know I'm not an Sm but I'm human and I have a very hard time 'liking' other people's children when they are 'bad' kids even my own BFF's spoiled, rude, entitled, bad mouthed 9 yr old. Ugh! I love my BFF with a sisterly passion. She completes me. She is my left hand and often my right, when mine don't work right. We are down right gross to some, I'd use her toothbrush if I didn't have one and I'd give her mine if she was without. She has seen me in conditions not ANYone else would ever have the pleasure of doing ... But her kid... OMG I just want to shake the smirk off his 9 yr old face... I saw him today and she said, 'he is sooo excited to see his aunt myfam,' and I smiled with a little puke in my mouth. Nothing about hanging out with her brat kid excites me. She always wants to get the kids together and I hate getting them together. Her son is mean to my Dd. He teases her and runs from her and when his little friends are over, she gets left out, ugh. She drives me nuts how she enables his behavior. He is so out of control, she can't even see it. He is disrespectful and rolls his eyes. She just says 'oh stop that...' in the sweetest little voice.
I do not believe he would make it in house of myfam as a stepson. He would hate life. I'm just honest here.

I dont feel the same about other people's children, I just don't. Now I will do whatever to keep them safe, won't let them get hurt, if he was drowning in a pool I obviously would do whatever to save him, but love him... In the same way I love my kids... I just don't. And I won't pretend. I try to put myself in a SM position sometimes and I do not envy the position at all. I can empathize. I can understand how hard it is. I can admit that I wouldn't understand someone loving my kids like their own because my kids have faults, they are a perfect mold of me and if someone dislikes me so, it's going to be even harder to find that love for MY kids.

I think there are plenty of people out there that can love unconditionally the children of the world but when you are with someone day in and day out and you have no say, no control, no position to be a guidance as a 'parent' because often times you are reminded YOU are NOT the parent, how in the world can you find the strength to say the word 'love'. Like is a hard word at times.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

"I can admit that I wouldn't understand someone loving my kids like their own" I wouldn't expect that either. I love my niece and nephew very much but I don't love them the same as my own, you know what I mean. Different kind of love. Like if i don't see them, I want to see them, but do i miss them same as mine? no. same with SDs, when I don't see them for awhile i miss them and now i certainly miss SO's grandbaby, but it cannot be compared to how you feel for your own children.

":I've been in therapy long enough to know that most of the problem is not the actual child but the child's existence is a reminder of a life that came before the current spouse and new family."

I could see that but honestly that never bothered me, of course SDs are adults, it is different but I have known them for 5 years and spend a lot of time with them and one lived with us, when they do something I don't like it and it bothers me (like two rolls of toilet paper a day LOL)it is because of that specific thing, not because they come from BM. At least it never occurred to me. Maybe it helps that they are spitting image of SO and look nothing like their mother, don't know. When I spent time with them, the last thing on my mind is their mother, in fact she never is. On the other hand...we met too late in life to have kids together, and we both expressed regret not being able to have kids together, and frankly being too old, it does come to mind that he did have kids with BM...But that's what it is...

As about feeling Love, I have emotional bond that resembles feelings of motherly love towards younger SD, and she expressed feeling the same about me, like maybe similar bond I have with my niece? I think if I knew her as a child perhaps it would be true feeling of love because SO is so involved with his kids, I would have to be very involved SM? I do like older SD and we get along, but I do not feel the same, also we are close in age and there is no motherly feelings on my part. But YSD and DD are same age.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I love my SD. For sure. And I love a lot of my friend's children. And I ADORE my nieces and nephews.

And there are children I (HATE). Like one child in the neighborhood. HATE.

So I know the feeling. Especially when their traits are directly from a person who I don't respect. It's hard to remove the feelings for the adult from the feelings from the child (who is just mimicing the bad behavior).


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Now this is what I am talking about. I am glad to see that there have been some posts with people who, even if they don't agree, can attempt to understand what some of us are going through.

My man is on his way to pick up the kids for the weekend as I type. They haven't been over for a good long while as he has been working crazy hours, and has been working out of town on his weekends. And of course that has been just fine with me. I caught myself praying today that they would announce at some point today that he had to work this weekend too, but no such luck, and now here they come.

I feel bad, I really do. I feel terrible thinking such thoughts, and I can't begin to tell you all how many times I have prayed for the Lord to touch my heart. How I have forced myself to NOT think along such lines; to MAKE some form of love, or care, or joy spark at the thought of the person I love most in this world's kiddos coming over to spend time with us....and to no availl. I even caught myself faking sick on the way home from work to use an excuse for why I intended to shut myself in my room tonight, all day tomorrow, and until four pm on Sunday. It's taxing feeling this way, and is not something I do for fun or because it feels good....

I'm sure transference is a feeling I feel (especially toward the youngest because he looks just like his mother), but also the traits and behavior she has instilled in them just get my goat (to say the least). And then the other 25% is that I just plain don't want to be bothered with them. I intern eight hours a day, take night classes, so I feel like just relaxing on my weekends and I feel a bit put out about having to redirect "someone else's kids." I know EXACTLY what MyFam is relating to, because most times this is a sentiment I feel towards cousin's children, friend's children, children at resturants...ect. I am the Grinch of Kidville I guess. Some women have it (the maternal gene). I obviously, do not.

Again, I DO NOT show this to these children while they are here. As far as they know we are all cool and things are copisetic....But the facade takes every ounce of me, and I'm afraid the cracks are beginning to show. I just ask for strength and courage to get through another weekend without any drama or misshaps or arguments between me and my man over me "not joining in" as much as he would like. Wish me luck folks....I always need it!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Heather - it's ok to be honest about your feeling especially here. It's not ok to put your feelings on the kids which is what you have already said you do not do. I pat you on the back for praying for the Strength and for God to touch your heart. Keep praying, dont ever give up.

I have a feeling once you are done with school and not so mentally spent trying to get into your career, you will have more patience and time to grow feelings and be more a part of the kids in your life.

I absolutely have a maternal instinct that I gained from having children of my own. I did not like kids when I was a teen and said I would never have children. But I was the first to have a baby out of all my friends... Ironically. Lol. I just feel an annoyance around other kids sometimes. I'm not a PTA mom or a soccer mom by any means. I am selfish and only want to be with my children. I'm never mean or rude and I always do right by my friends and listen to their children stories and I participate with my kids friends but I have a deep down aversion that I pray I grow out of one day. It's why I can understand without being judgmental or offended when someone in a stepparent role feels the way you do. It's also the reason I never allowed myself to date a man with children. It might seem selfish but honestly I believe I did a lot of men a favor by not trying to pretend I 'might' be ok being a stepmom one day. I've been a stepkid, my Dd is a stepkid and I just knew it wasn't something I could do. Now my dd's SM says she adores all children and loves to have tons of kids around. As much as I can't stand the lady I believe she is honest that she does love kids because she volunteers and she always has tons of kids around. So maybe she does love my daughter as her own, I don't know BUT it's hard for me to understand how she could since she hates me so much and has always seemed to be 'mean' or hold higher expectations for my daughter. With that said, she holds the same unreasonable high expectations for her own child so she seems to be 'fair' in her craziness between both of the girls.

I hope you ended up having a great weekend.

Stay strong, keep praying. I'll say a prayer for you too.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Hi, I greatly, greatly dislike my step-children!! The one living with us for a short while was female and 15. The other one who is married male and 24 only comes around when he needs something, oh and he is not even my husband's son, he adopted him but the mother wanted the son to take her name. Screwed up!! Well anyway the 15 year old only came over when she wanted something, like money or something out of her filthy room. I was fine with that because she was lazy and never helped with anything. My daughter who is 12 did everything. She is spoiled, the 15 year old. She is rude, irresponsible, and a hard person to please she also insults everything that I have done to the inside of the house and all of the flower gardens I have built outside. So here is my story:
All I did was finally break down, I told this 15 year old to please help around the house. She only wants what is convenient for her like to invite her friends over to take pictures. So I told her that since she hated the house and my flower gardens that she could not have her phote shoots here anymore. She got mad after our conversation and I have not seen her since. Good ridens to you!!! Her dad tried to talk to her that same evening but things only got worse. Then she started ingnoring her father except when she needed something. He would call or text her, and he would get upset, then I would get upset because he was upset. Her behavior is unruly, unresponsible to others feelings, and very immature. She learns these behaviors from her mom, who by the way shows her no love, just lets her stay home by herself and eat junk food, and do nothing. She later finally told her dad that she hates me, and I did nothing to her, I just finally got sick of her just sitting on her butt and not helping out and I told her how I felt. So she went on and on the fact that she hated me, but it is only an excuse for her not wanting to be there, it is much easier to sit on your butt and do nothing then to actually do something. By the way she is obese, and I always made good dinners, and did not allow junk food, but that is at her moms house, who does not care. Make a long story short she said she never wanted to come back our here, Yea!! And continually ignored her father, her own father, who does that?? I was not involved in any of these conversations, so now you know that it is truly not me or her father, it is her, selfish little brat!!! Well we had a fourth of july party just here on Sat. and we did not invite her, why do you ask, good question. She several months when she was living here asked us to let her get her nose peirced, and we both said no, end of story. Well when she went to Florida about a month ago her mom, yes her mom, what a great responsible parent, let her, and signed for her to get her nose peirced. So no, she was not invited because she dishonoured her father and step-mother!! She got mad because her lowlife brother and his family was invited to the party, and went off on her dad. Why?? because she only wants to cause hurt to him!! So as far as I am concerned and her father knows this, she is not welcome here! PERIOD!! So back to the lowlife son, so he comes over, sporting one of his friends big trucks, with big tires, and we were talking about our first year garden, my neighbor, my husband and myself. I go inside to get a drink and can not believe what my husband told me his step-adopted-son did. He told my husband where he should drive through our garden at?? Boy I was livid!! If I would have seen it, I would have told him to leave and never ever come back!!! The dislike for these two is really really strong!! They just keep on doing stupid things, that soon or later, they will chase their father away. You know what else, they did not even call him on father's day!!! What a joke!!! I am so done with those kids. They are not welcome back here ever again. Everytime they come, they bring nothing but heart aches, it is just better that they just stay away!! good day!!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Most 15 year olds are immature, maturity comes with age and responsibility. Most 15 year olds are rude and seem to act 'entitled'. It's a phase some grow out of, some do not. Most 15 year olds have messy rooms and don't care to do anything if it doesnt suit their fancy.
I was a horrid housekeeper at 15 but became an OCD, clean freak at the age of 19 when getting my own home and my own things. Most 15 yr olds don't give a rats butt about your garden or what is yours. I would have to wonder if what you are seeing is 1/2 teenage drama all parents encounter and 1/2 that your husband's daughter just doesn't like you and how you feel about her. As far as the adopted son, i'd have to say, drop the adopted part, he was adopted by this man at this man's free will and he wanted to be his father so the logistics of how he became his father no longer matter. I have a cousin that was adopted and although her parents are no longer together, her 'adopted' father is no less her father now than the day he signed the papers to make him legally so. And a 23 year old boy is still immature, not sure when boys become 'mature' but I know plenty 23 year olds that are NO where near being described as mature. They are still partying, living life and having fun. This all sounds normal to me. I think what you suffer from is just simple, stepparent delimma. You cannot love these kids because they are a reminder of your husband's ex and every time you look at them you see her. Everytime they do something that makes you want to puke, you see and blame her. I think what you feel is 'normal' for your situation, although I'm not sure how healthy it is for your marriage or for your life in general. I would disengage. This my friends is my new word of the day. Disengage.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I hate my step-kids but heres my story.My three step kids lives with us and my two kids from my first marriage.The girls are fine with me but his son plays the role between me and his dad.Their mother left them with there dad when she decide to leave the marriage for another man.I have been in the lives for three years.At first they all hated me.They would all go back and talk about me to there mom who is the worst mother I have ever known.Finally they started to come around,and we all seemed to be getting along.She tells them I am not there mother which I know I didn't birth them in the world but I am a mother to them.I love them as much as I love my own kids.His ex-wife gets them every other weekend and it's always drama when she does.She treats them as if they are her friends instead of her kids.She has brought several different men in there life since last year:and make the statements to them if you don't like him I will drop him.I'm trying to raised respectful young women and men to be productive in the world.Everything I do she under-minds it.Whenever we go on vacation she calls with all kind of stuff.Whenever they talk to her everything that goes on in my household they tell.She has told their son to lie to the police and said I have been beating him and that I didn't like him,call DHR on us for no reason and we had to be invesigated for 60 days.They spoke with the school our family and friends.I had to have them check by the doctors who said we have done anything to the kids.My husband is the only one that works.I am the primary care provider because he works 12 hours shifts.I am the one who takes them to the doctor,and dentist.When they are sick I am the one who sits up with them.Their dinner is on the table every day by 5pm and I am not talking about sandwiches full course meals.I help with home work.I go to the school and check on them and there school work.When there's a problem the school calls me.(I fell to mention one of the girls is ADHD and have to take two different meds) We take care of them because his ex-wife gives is no child surport.Shes 10,000 behind in child surport.They seem to keep drama going on all the time.I just fill like I am not appreciated or wanted.The little one plays his dad like a fiddle.He always seems to worm his way out of trouble.My husband is a good man.He's good to my kids and a great provider but he let's them make a fool of him, and they know it too exspecially the little boy.For example the little boy was sitting on the top bunk bed. He decide to flip off the top bunk on to the other bed.The girls came and told me what he did.I question him about it and he lied to me. Finally he confessed to it and I took his DS game. .He ran down the hall and woke up my husband up by crying like I had done something wrong.The next day my husband fussed at me about waking him up out of his sleep becaused I had taken his game.The whole time his son was sitting there laugh at me becaused my husband and I was arguring.What should I do?I was so hurt because no matter what I do it seems like it's not enough.They treat there mom like gold and me like a old bag on the side of the street.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

My situation is seems to be somewhat different from the others but i would really like some sound advice.

My husband and i have not been together "officially" that long. Its only been about a year and a half that his children have been formally in my life. Before that I was a support for the children. By that i mean while my husband and i were dating, if his children needed anything or on birthdays i was the one that helped out when their parents couldnt. Most of the things they do not know. I did it because i loved their father and knew how much he loved his children.

We have five children together and my oldest is from a previous marriage. She has never even met her "donor" of a father and has only knew my husband since she was three months. There is no doubt that my husband loves my kids but i have often felt, since they were born that he doesnt feel the same obligation for OUR children. I have concluded that he feels he had to do more for them because their mother can be described as incompetent and irresponsible. I, on the other hand, have always been responsible and make it a priority to supply my family with ALL its needs, and most of its wants. I am the only one working right now. I support the house hold on my own while my husband finishes school.

Ok that is the background information:).........now to the problem. While his kids our in our home, since i am the only one with the income everything that they need while they are here has to be supplied by me. All the money it takes to pick up has children from different cities has become my expense. Anything they want to do for entertainment comes from me. I feel very used and unappreicated by all parties because everything i do is a sacrafice for me. It is very hard providing for 6 children. There have been many times we have been on our last dollars or bills were do and i was still expected to "provide" the way for him to see his kids (costing almost $100 round trip each time he gets them). To make things worse his kids treat my children like they are not related to them. My kids are all young 6 and younger, and i am afraid to leave my children with them because i know they do not have their best interest at heart. They dont neccesarily talk back but they show their disrespect in not following house rules or doing things half ass that i ask them to do. This really makes me upset because the rules that we have are strictly enforced by me and my children's father. When it comes to them he is very laxed on enforcing rules. He makes a lot of excuses for their behavior. He goes behind me and allows them to do things he knows we would not allow our children to do. I have stopped trying to get his kids to like me, and my feelings have turned into ginuwine dislike for them. They go back and tell their mom everything that happens at our house. They constantly talk bad about me. Their mother is constantly talking down on my children to her kids and their father saying things like they are illigitamites, referring to them as simply "her kids" and feels strongly that he should provide for her children first since they were here first.

I dont know what to do. This situation causes alot of tension and strain on our relationship. It even has us both questioning if we need to be together..........Any advice.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

You totally lost me on the number of kids that this man is bio father of that are in your children count. How many of the kids are his only, yours only, and 'ours' together?


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I think dmarsk needs to start her own thread so we can all help her and so that her post will be read.

I also wanted to add, your frustration should be soley at your husband, not the kids or the ex wife. He is using you and not appreciating you. He does need to provide for his OWN children, not expect you to. It's HIS job to financially support his first children and if you don't require him to contribute to the finances in your home, then that falls back on you. You are enabling everyone to mistreat you by continuing to be the only one that provides for two households.

You started this circus when you were providing for 'their' family before you were married and it sounds like before they were divorced. Did I read that right??


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Well, I'm back cause this weekend the kids are coming again. It's been awhile, same routine with my man working crazy hours and not being able to see the children, but he is free and clear this weekend so here they come.

Thanks MyFam, for the encouragement and prayer. Me and my man started couples counseling this week in regards to my issues with "not liking" and "not relating" to his children. Hopefully this will help out, as it definitely can't hurt. In the meantime, I need some extra encouragement to get through this upcoming weekend. The downside is that I am out of "headache" "sick" and "I'm tired" excuses. Since entering counseling my man knows exactly where I stand and how I feel about his children, so any move I make to reteat into my room and not join the group will resound a hundredfold. Bottom line: I'm going to have to put forth effort and try to interact with these children (which of course has me resentful as hell, and I feel impending doom). For the first year that they were coming I had no problem doing it, I just faked it and dived right in, hoping that as time went by something would change and spark.

This year it's been steadily going down hill, where I just didn't feel like putting forth much effort and it ending up with the last two times the kids came, that I just holed myself up in my room the entire weekend and ignored everyone, including my man. This, of course, caused all out drama in my relationship, which had previously been avoided cause I had always just put on the happy face and dealt with it. I guess interning and summer school wore me down so much that I just threw up my hands and said, "To hell with all of you." It's true, a person can only take so much. Honestly, it could have been worse. I guess I could have gone the opposite route and instead of retreating into a shell, I could have opened my mouth and verbalized how I really feel. What stopped me was the fact that there would be no way to salvage a relationship after you tell the person you love, "Yeah, I was excited by a dream I had in which your ex moved with your children to Antartica, and I never had to see them again." This situation has also caused me to wonder, does my absence rub my man the wrong way because he wishes for us all to be a family unit, or because he needs the extra help herding his flock? Then I feel terrible for thinking such things and it's Guilt 101 all over again.

I know, as with anything, attitude plays an important role. If I go into it already "doomed" the weekend will be. This I know deep down, but I'm finding it difficult to plaster a smile on my face and act all hunky dory with these kids when I am really wishing I did not have to breathe the same air as they are. I have no retreat available and it's "suck it up" time. Our first counseling session was this past Monday, but it was just an information gathering session, getting our issues on the table. No information was given by the therapist on what I can do in the meantime as I am still faced with the issue of having to do something I just plain would rather not do, and that is socialize with kids that I feel no attachment to or love for. Yes, I have done it before, but the difference now is that my man knows my true feelings so masking the exasperation I feel is not going to happen as easily as it was when he was clueless.

Coming clean about my feelings was definitely a double edged sword. I was able to finally unburden myself and put out there how I really feel about the children in the hopes that we can work together to find a way in which some compromise can be reached, (i.e. I don't particularly care for them, so could you stop asking me to be around them all the time?" Yeah, that one would work out great, huh?). Instead, all I've done is put my man in an akward position by doing this. So in liberating myself I must wonder if I didn't create a bigger prison? >SIGH< Only time will tell I guess.

I am open to all viable suggestions! MyFam, I hope you're out there, you always make me feel better about the situation! :)


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

So I read pretty much just the top half. According to me, in response to the 1st post,


I agree with you that even though you are only his fiance you have every right to call yourself his stepmom when you are the one taking care of the child. I have 2 stepsons and a boy of my own. I am still young and my son is almost 3. He won't be three until the middle of december this year. My youngest stepson is already three and has been three for half a year now. I am always irritated when he comes over every other weekend. He is rude, naggy, whiney, crying ALLLLL the time, sloppy, clingy...etc. Pretty much he is a brat. He can't and won't tell us when he needs to go and we try to get him to go on the toilet ALL the time, where my son is completely off diapers. I mean, yes, h wears them to bed but for the most part he doesn't pee in it throughout the night. My stepson, can't even tell you when he spilled something. I get so irritated because the things that my son does I expect my stepson to start being able to do seeing that he is older than my son. All the kid ever wantes to do is play the xbox, he cries when you turn it off, he will only eat corn cereal and junkfood..... I could make a wonderful meal and he wouldn't eat it because all he wants is corn. Seeing that the youngest kid in this household is still two...going on 3... we shouldn't have to wake up 2 times a night to warm up milk!!!! IT IS SOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!! This kid goes to bed with CHOCOLATE MILK, and im not talking about "hey go to the store and buy a gallon of chocolate milk" I'm talking about buy the white milk, warm it up, add a crap load of chocolate syrup in it. I tried getting my husband to slowly reduce the amount of chocolate he puts in his milk but the fricken kid cries when the milk isn't warm and as sweet as sugar!!!! The kids are old enough now to where we shouldn't be changing diapers 7546186154 times a day and we shouldn't have to get up on the middle of the night to warm up chocolate milk. Luckily he is only here every other weekend! My oldest stepson however is 8. He isn't too annoying he is just spoiled and picky! He doens't eat anything except fastfood because thats the only kind of food he like! and all he does is go to school, come home and play xbox until its his bedtime! I am a clean person so I get irritated when things are dirty. Well, as you read this you are probably saying "what do you expect, they are kids!" and YES i understand that, I don't get mad when they spill, I get mad when they cant let us know or clean it up. My husband brought home this UGLY couch one day and I sewed white fabric onto it to make it look better. It looks georgeous!!! BUT my step son spilled spaghetti and not only did he not say anything, he didnt even bother to clean it up. My husbands kids are spoiled rotten and snotty and I hate it!!!! The older one like I said isn't too bad. At least he listens. He lives with us and I don't have a problem with that. However I think if the younger one had to come live with us, I'd rather just go kill myself! My husband can't even go to the bathroom in piece. He follows him in there... sits on the floor and play the DS, then I'll be watching t.v and here comes little brat!!! He doesn't ask to play the xbox, he just cries and says in an annoying voice "I WANNA PLAY ZOMBIES". Everytime he is here the house is so tense because we both get irritated! ANd his mother adds on top of it all! She will call and if we don't answer she will send my husband a text saying stuff like "IF YOU DON"T ANSWER I'LL CALL THE COPS". Sometimes I feel like the only reason my marriage will end is because of her crazy self and her son. My husband and I put the kids to bed around 8:30-9:30 on week nights and on the weekends it'll be a little later, then we want to spend time together, well my youngest stepson won't go to bed until like 2am3:30am.... then he wakes up at 6 crying. My husband is a heavy sleeper and so he doesn't hear, however I am a light sleeper and I wake up over any little sound... so yes, I hear him crying, but I think his snotty clingy crybaby attitude needs to change so I let him just sit in his room and cry until my husband gets up, which my husband won't notice until like 8:30-9 sometimes even ten! There is just so much about this kid that irritates the living crap out of me and I try so hard not to have negative feelings towards him but everyone that I know that has met him can't help but to have those same feelings too! He is rude, he hits, he is bratty a snot and picky, lazy, god there is just a whole list of things! I could be laying here watching something on my laptop and he will come up to me and hit me in my face when my husband isn't looking!, andnever have i yelled at hom or been mean to him in any kind of way! I wish I would have known my husbands youngest son was this way before I married him, because honestly, if I would have known that the kid is just a snotty brat, and that it was something that was never going to change, I probably wouldn't have married him.... that is EXACTLY how bad it is.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

The kid is 3 & you can't stand him? Does he have a different mom than the 8 year old? Because it sounds to me as if you can't stand the mom & the 3 year old is an extension of her. I am raising a 2.5 year old and they all develop & learn at their own pace. Some kids potty train at 18 months, some at 4 years. But, also a large part of the things this kid does that annoy you are contributed by your your husband who warms the milk & adds chocolate. If dad would say no, kid would probably throw fits & not like it but eventually know that when dad says no chocolate, it's no chocolate. It's the parent's job to parent the child, not appease the child. If he's a brat, dad has just as much if not more blame than mom when he's a brat in dad's house. Mom can make rules for her house & kid may want to do what mom allows, but dad can put his foot down & have DIFFERENT rules for him in his house & kids will learn to associate "this is how you behave at mom's" "this is how you behave at dad's" "this is how you behave at school" "this is how you behave on the bus" etc. It's not unusual to have different rules for various places or situations. Dad makes his rules & if the kid whines for video games & dad gives him video games, he learns to whine so dad will give it to him. When my 2.5 year old demands a cookie... I make him ask nice & say please. As long as he demands, he gets nothing. Eventually he will learn that the only way to get what he wants is to be nice, not demanding. If he demands from someone else & they give it to him, then he will learn who to demand from & who to ask.

It makes me very sad to hear someone dislike a small child so much, especially a mother of another small child. You can't hide those negative feelings from a child of any age. I don't care how much you think you are, kids know if you don't like them.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I see waaaaaay to many red flags in the newest posting to touch it with a sincere response. If it is for real, the family environment is the first thing that would need addressed. Example: how many father's lay in bed while a three yr old cries for up to 4 hours? Why is daddy sleeping until up to 10am to begin with. Blah blah blah. Where is the 'parent' while child remains up until 2? Warmed up milk and how much chocolate it contains is the least of your problems...though appears to OP to be all this child's fault that her homelife sucks. Oh, and of course the birth mother blah blah. D*mn, imagine that a 3 yr old who is not self efficient, not up to par with it's competition (another child raised 24/7 by another person in another home)....I'd make your life a living h*ll to if when I was forced to come for visitation you let me scream for 4 hours while my daddy slept too. I'd also dislike you extremely much and be everso confused as to why things were not for me as I am use to and are the other 25plus days a month.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Here's my 2 cents, I hope I can get some tips, help, assistance, not sure, but here's my story. I became a stepdad of 2 kids 3 years ago, the oldest was 5 and the youngest kid was 2 at the time, now the oldest, who's a girl, she's 8 and the boy is 5, my stepdaughter has ADD, a really hard case, y wife and I both get really impatient but I notice that my wife is very easy going with her, the girl is pretty much of a big liar, fights with her little brother a lot, has some pretty rough games with her barbies and other toys, never cleans or organizes her bedroom, she's a very dirty girl, barely eats and whatever she eats she takes stuff out of the food/plate, but she gets tons of toys from everyone and everyone believes in her lies and all and I consider her a tomboy and honestly everything she does pisses me off, and to make things worse, she looks eeeexactly like her dad, the guy is a complete ass*** and both are exactly the same, the guy also has Attention deficit disorder, and physically, both look very alike. I really try my best to get along with her, give her advises, etc, I just really try my best, but for she misbehaves terrible every single day, without exageration, there's never been a day that she's behaved perfect, even at school, her school teachers can't stand her, so we took her to a psychologist and a child psychiatrist and she's on a med to make her just focus and be calmed, but when she's not medicated, noone can stand her, my wife although she's easy on her, can't stand her much but she doesn't know that I've grown to hate this girl. I feel terrible for that but I don't know what else to do, am I just hysteric? is it because I'm not the real dad?


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Would you like to start a new thread for this instead of having it here in this old thread? It'll probably get more responses.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

sure :)


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

OK,so I know I might get under some of your skin by saying this, but I truly understand what jayc2006 said. I have a 12 year old step daughter and I have been with her for 7 years now. Things have always been hard because her father over compensates for her mother leaving her when she was 2. She has tried to poison my nephew, given antifreeze to my dogs and tried to break my 6 month old sons arm because he wouldn't look at her when she was talking to him. In the last 2 years she has been suspended 7 times and was caught on TAPE stealing a Iphone from her teacher in the schools office, I have her on tape steal jewelry from me and money from my wallet. So I do understand some kids have a hard time adjusting to a new parent in the home. However the things that have been done to me such as the kick she gave me to my belly when I was pregnant that sent me to hospital and cause me to deliver early has me concerned. Her father for most of the years stated nothing was wrong with her. But after years of me asking him, he took her to be evaluated we were told that she was ADHD and ODD. After reading a great deal I'm even More stressed. After saying all of that I would like to say that there does come a time when you can hold a real dislike or even hatred towards a child. So I do understand I hope you get him to a doctor and maybe they can help. As for me and my situation I love my husband but he is still saying there is nothing wrong and she will out grow it. I have reached my limit so I am leaving asap. I wish you the best of luck.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

It sounds like we have some jealous people in this forum.

You knew these people had children BEFORE you got married.

Do you think you can fall in love with someone and then make them throw their children in the trash?

Maybe you guys should seek some serious psychiatric help for your horrible insecurities.

I think the biological parents of these children should throw YOU in the trash.

Talking about feeling entitled ... jeez.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Unknown angry poster trying to stir the pot, what is it with people like you? It's obvious what you typed in the search box, have you seen how old this thread is??

Why don't you reply to a more recent post so at least there is some relevance? Or go for a run and feel better?


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

Exactly, yabber.

I can honestly say I detest my 21yo SD..and I have no hesitation in saying it.

Lies..manipulations..then stealing some very valuable things that I've had for years.

Yep..don't like her. And I don't feel a tad guilty for it.

Next topic.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I applaud Jayc2006 for having the courage to share about her challenging situation with her step-kid. Many step-parents who are unfortunate to have this experience will empathize; because although she posts that she intensely dislikes her step-child's behavior, it is clear that she would rather love him and accept him. She just finds it very difficult and for valid reasons. If she did not have this conflict she would not enter this post. She is really reaching out for strategies to cope and solutions to this problem. I think the real problem is not the child but rather the child's biological parents. They are the ones responsible for training him. If J's fiance is unable to provide support for her in dealing with the step-child and if they can't be a united front in front of the stepchild, the problem may unfortunately persist. Their inability to agree and come together on this front may perhaps remain a sore point in their relationship and the child may suffer as a result.


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

shewww , i was searchng on the net trying to find out if im the only stepmom who has bad stepkids, thought ohh my soul what did i get into, people always hear these stories about bad step mothers and the evil one who is only there for the money and whatever else, but i have to say southernsummer, you and me have exactly the same problem, i have a stepson 19 and a stepdaughter 16 , both hate me and my kids with a passion, i have been married with my husband and living together for almost 7 years, we recently had a baby girl together, so we have got five five kids in the house, since day one his kids refused to except me as part of their life, they dis respected me verbally abused me , sworn at me in public , telling everybody that im a slut and picking on them , whenever i did something wrong like the food burned or i messed on the floor, they wood run to daddy and tell a story, run to granny and bio mom and tell the story, hoping that someone would sort me out and get me and my husband in a fight , they stole my personal stuff, they stole money out of my handbag, they scratched my car s paint off , they do stuff and blame my kids for it, and getting them into trouble for nothing, my husband off course fights with my kids if something is wrong but im not allowed to do or say anything when it comes to his kids, they all blame me for being a terrible step mom, and i really dont have a clue what i did wrong, when they swear at me i walk away, keeping it all together cause i might just choke them , they walk into my house without greeting me, dig in my kitchen take what they want eat and mess, complain about my food, telling everybody my food is horrible and then run to daddy for money so that they can eat take aways, and daddy gives!!!!! leaving me without money for the house and doing what a mother or woman is supposed to do..... what do i do... cant stand these kids anymore , me and my husband fight all the time these days because of the way i eel about his grown brats , he started treating my kids terrible for no reason at all, because his kids influenced him to believe that its all me.... if i can give any woman advise , never ever marry a man with kids!!! you will always always be second best!!!


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

I've read several of these posts and It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years now. We were married a little over 2 years ago. My step son, David moved in with us in June of 2012. He had lived with his mother and grandmother in PA prior to moving here (we live in NJ) My husband saw his son several times a week until he moved to PA which is about 3 hours from our home. At that point, he would visit once every other weekend and stay for the month of August and during breaks. My husband fought for his son in court but it was decided David could go with his mom because his mom and grandmother couldn't get along financially in NJ any more.
I got along with his son in the beginning when he would visit but things surely changed when he moved in. He came here repeating the 7th grade. We thought that we could make a difference and help him with school and all the other things that had been neglected in his upbringing by his mother. His mother is an unemployed, extremely overweight, alcoholic who paid no attention to him. His grandmother also lived with them and she would just throw game systems, CD's and money at him to keep him busy. We only found out about the neglect shortly before he moved here and really wanted to bring him here so his life could be better. Almost 2 years later, he failed 7th grade for the second time and had to go to summer school in order to get into 8th grade. Now he is failing the 8th grade too, despite all of the help we offer him and academic assistance program he attends 3 times a week in school. He has an excellent middle school that is rated 3rd in our state. He has class sizes of 12-15 kids and there are often 2 teachers in each class but he still fails.
He doesn't have learning disabilities....this is 100% laziness because we have seen what he is capable when he applies himself. I have raised 5 kids, on my own for the most part because my ex was nothing more than a pay check and I did all the work from school work to birthday parties, shopping, cooking etc.
My son who is now 20 suffered from some learning problems since he was 5 and I know how to work with this. This is not the case with David. His behavior goes way beyond school work too.....he refuses to shower, he weighs about 300 lbs as a 15 year old boy (he came here like this) He doesn't clean up after himself, he's disrespectful and often smells. He has been offered love, support, help, incentives, encouragement and we discipline him when he doesn't listen. We have also taken away his online access and other entertainment....he has lost the privilege of attending concerts he's had his heart set on and we have taken away my husband's guitar that he loves to play. NOTHING is working with this child and it is getting soooooo frustrating for me.
I don't let him use my shampoo and conditioners because he will waste an entire bottle in one shower and I buy the good stuff. I buy him the cheaper stuff for this reason. The other day, he went in to my bag, took out my stuff and used 3/4 of a bottle of each. I was livid. When asked why, he lied and said that he had none of his left.....so we brought him into the bathroom and proceeded to show him his 2 1/2 full bottles. He then said it was because he likes mine better. I would be more than willing to share my stuff with him if he would use it in normal amounts, I did let him use it early on till he began to waste it. This boy is 15, not 8.....
I have raised 5 kids so I'm not someone who doesn't understand children. I have my own children ranging from 15 to 24. My older 3 are out on their own and my 15 and 17 year old stay with their father because they didn't want to change schools when we divorced. One last thing that I can't understand with David is his lack of controlling himself with food. I am on weight watchers.....I lost over 100 lbs back in 05' and put on about 30 lbs since that I'm trying to lose again. He has eaten all of my weight watchers snacks and frozen dinners....so I bought him his own snacks (little Debbie's...which I know are not good for him but he eats everything he can get his hands on, despite our efforts to teach him about control.) This morning he ate an entire box of swiss rolls for breakfast (that's 12 and about 1800 calories) We have cereal, eggs, English muffins, farina and waffles in the house to eat......and this is what he made before I woke up....It's a snow day today. He went back to sleep and is now still asleep at 2:20 pm (probably in a food coma) I really really feel guilty for being disgusted and having hatred for this child.....I know he was neglected for a few years when he lived with his mom but he's been here almost 2 years and is making ZERO progress. I'm at my wits end and honestly feel that it is causing so many problems between my husband and I that I fear it could break us up. There are only a little more than 2 years before David is 18 and can sign himself out of HS and be a lazy fat person on my couch......something that will surely drive me crazy.
I have honestly really tried.......he has gotten all of my attention, help with school work, vacations (we just got back from taking him and my two girls to Disney as part of their Christmas gift) He's gotten a lot and we have been his biggest fans only to be let down, lied to and disappointed time and time again. Call me selfish, but I started raising my own kids at 19 (young, but I did a great job and wouldn't change a thing) I feel that at 42 I should be reaping the benefits of all my hard work and not going backwards, spending my time, and stressing out daily over a 15 year old who acts like he's 8 because his own mother didn't do the job she should have done.

I'm not really even looking for advice, just to let other step moms know that they're not alone in this......my biggest fear is that it will ruin my marriage before it's over : /


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

In all that, you don't mention counselling. Have you tried that?


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RE: I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.

So in reading so many of these posts I can relate to how these step parents are feeling. I do agree hate is a strong term, I can say though disliking a disrespectful child when they are not your blood is very possible. I have a step son who is now going on 16, he is lazy, disrespectful and he lies all the time. I will admit he knows how to push buttons, especially mine.
what I read on here and what I know from experience is that the biological parent, my spouse is the reason. She over compensates because his father isn't around, his grandparents my in-laws do the same. He has a sense of entitlement and feels like he doesn't have to and shouldn't have to do anything unless he wants to. He. Is now as I stated before going to be sixteen and is over 50#'s overweight. Eats us out of house and home. I Will suggest he does the lawn or shovels and she will right in front of him say " what kind of man makes a child do that"? Child? Am I missing something. I'm 5'6" 175#, he is 5'9" and 230+lbs.... Are you kidding me! I'm 47 i workout and stay fit, I also work hard and I was raised with the idea that children contribute to the home. Chores are part of it, I only ask he picks up his room and he folds his own laundry, I wash everyone's, and he takes out the garbage and does the cat boxes every night.... All in all about 15minutes of his day max... And that's to much... Society has somehow said that its ok...... There is a serious problem.... He gets mouthy now and I being honest hear have told him, he will turn 18 someday and things will be different......
I welcome and feedback and advice.....


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