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get involved? If so, how much?

Posted by justnotmartha (My Page) on
Mon, Nov 2, 09 at 15:45

Since SD's final 'revelation" about her mom and her refusal to continue with the every other Thursday PM to Monday AM visitation schedule (beginning of September) SD has seen her mom a handful of times. SD, mom and dad (DH) went to SD's counselor together a month ago and he suggested every Sunday visits for the month to ease back into regular visitation. They had all but one (mom had a girls weekend trip) and SD didn't enjoy any of them. It was a bit of a pain to have every Sunday visits as it kept our family from doing much, but we saw the importance in this and made adjustments.

So, today they go back to the counselor to discuss how the month went. SD originally thought she would be okay with every other Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening after the day visits, but after yesterday's visit said she just wants every other Sunday, period.

I totally understand why SD doesn't want to go to her moms, but as a mom I know that 6 hours e.o. week isn't enough time. DH and I discussed suggesting mom pick SD up from school on her weekday off and keep her through dinner on the alternating weeks, but we don't know if it's our 'place' to do so. SD has really taken the bull by the horns with regard to her mom - once the camel's back broke she's had little problem telling her mom just how she feels about her, her new bf, etc. She is almost 15 and has shown us how strongly she feels about this. . . at this time. Should we just let SD and her mom 'battle' it out (with the counselor's help) or should we try to sway SD into seeing her mom more? Because she is almost 15 I know next month she could hate us and want to live with her mom so anything we do is temporary, but my guilt as a mom is fighting against my satisfaction as a stepmom over this.

What do you ladies think?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: get involved? If so, how much?

.....back away slowly....do not scare the animals!!!

I hear the guilt. And the satisfaction. SD is not coming over for the holidays. Bio-Beyotch is being a monkey-wench (typos intentional).

I want to get involved to defend DH. And I'm keeping my nose out of it.

Let them handle it. Be as supportive as you can. Teen years are full of angst. She will need all the support she can get, no matter what she chooses to do.


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RE: get involved? If so, how much?

Am I reading this right - "They had all but one (mom had a girls weekend trip)" within a one month period, mom missed 25%.

Mom gets to see her daughter one day a week, and missed it for a girls weekend trip. Give me a break, if I understand this right, mom has made it clear, again, how important SD is to her. One thing to miss visititation, becuase you have to work, sick grandparent, etc.

If I only got to see my DD one day a week, I'ld be at your door at the appointed time.

You and dad should tell SD you will love her no matter what, you only ask that she concentrate on school work. Godd luck.


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RE: get involved? If so, how much?

At her age, if she has made up her mind.. I agree, back away. Stay supportive.

Her mom has made her bed over the years, now she must lie in it. SD will spend time with her mom if that's what she wants to do. If she doesn't, she will resent being forced to or being made guilty for feeling as she does. She is entitled to feel however she does toward her mom for the way her mom has treated her. You have no control over that, nor any responsibility for it. I feel for your SD as you surely do, but I would stay out of it and just be a support system for SD. Like you said, she may change her mind at the drop of a hat.


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RE: get involved? If so, how much?

Definitely a minefield for you JNM --
Staying out of it is certainly the safest course, and I think, probably the best one.

At 14, SD is not likely to share much of herself with her mom if she's not feeling close emotionally, so guilting SD to spend more time with her mother probably won't change the emotional dynamic - except to deepen the resentment maybe.

With BM, BD and a counselor working on it, you can know that it is being considered.


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RE: get involved? If so, how much?

You're so honest in your feelings JNM :-)

I'm thinking the same thing as the others, probably leave it and don't push for more contact with BM. It's true that SD doesn't have enough time with her BM but SD has good reason to pull away from her. SD is doing this in her own best interest, that is the most important thing.

At least there's contact and a counselor to help, I'm actually impressed BM is attending. For now that is all that can be done I'd say..


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RE: get involved? If so, how much?

KK said "Mom gets to see her daughter one day a week, and missed it for a girls weekend trip. Give me a break, if I understand this right, mom has made it clear, again, how important SD is to her. One thing to miss visititation, becuase you have to work, sick grandparent, etc. "

And I totally agree!

This woman has shown again and again that she puts herself and her own fun waaaay ahead of her relationship with her daughter or her daughter's happiness. She does not need you defend her.
If she had genuinely changed her ways, and was really and truly trying with SD, then I'd say you should encourage SD to give her some more rope.... but we all know she'd just hang herself yet again.


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