Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here. I was incredibly relieved to find this discussion, as while my friends and family are very supportive and attempt to be helpful, none have any experience whatsoever with being in a relationship with someone with children. Okay, here it goes: I am a 30-year-old woman who is in a 4 and a half year relationship with a wonderful, brilliant, kind, successful 42-year-old man who I connect with in more ways than I can count. I met him when I was 25, and his two daughters were 11 and 16. He has sole custody of them, and went through a long and painful court battle to win custody (this was prior to our meeting). Their mother is abusive, manipulative, and completely insane, and they don't have much contact with her. I have been fortunate enough to not have had contact with her because of her minimal contact with the kids and the fact that she and my boyfriend completely ignore one another (he has made several attempts to stay on good terms with her, but she only seems interested in using the kids to hurt him. They themselves have even asserted this. I try to remain neutral when they tell me such things). The extra-complicated part in all of this is that their relationship began when he was just 15 years old, and she was 27. He came from an abusive home and ended up in a relationship with this sick person (who is obviously also a pedophile). Fortunately, he had the sense to get out, but not before he had two children with her. I met the kids almost immediately when we started dating (big mistake), and even though they liked me and I liked them and we got along quite well, we absolutely should've spent more time developing a strong foundation between us beforehand. I tried my hardest to be considerate, kind, and caring without being overbearing or attempting to assume a parental role (as I am just 9 years older than his eldest). We did most things together, and after awhile, I found myself feeling quite stressed out about the lack of adult time with my boyfriend. We made more of an effort to do that, and things seemed to be going well for awhile, but he then began to ask about my moving in with him. I explained that while I loved him, I didn't think I was yet ready to, a), move in with someone, and b), move in with someone and their children (he is also my first long-term relationship, and I have never lived with anyone). In addition to the marriage to the mother of his children, he had a brief (6-month) marriage that ended about 6 months before we met, so he is quite comfortable with the idea of living with someone. A few years ago, he began having some major issues with his youngest(who is now 16). Since then, she's been hospitalized for cutting and suicidal thoughts, has abused heroine and been involved in prostitution, has spread malicious lies about my boyfriend, and is now dating an equally disturbed young man whom she was forbidden to see when my boyfriend found out that this boy was emotionally abusive. The boy then threatened my boyfriend's life for cutting off his contact with the daughter, and she still wanted to be with him. She then went to her mother's (who she never sees and never wants to see), who allows her to see the abusive boyfriend, and who we found out tried to lure her to live with her by telling her that she and the abusive boyfriend can move in with her when they're 18, and has completely turned her back on my boyfriend, who is the most kind, loving father I've ever known. This was about 2 months ago, and she refuses to receive phone calls from him or see him, and her mother doesn't encourage her to repair her relationship with her father (and I assume she is actually enjoying knowing he's in pain because of how sick she is). My mind is absolutely blown by this (even as I write this, I am in utter shock and disbelief as to how crazy things have become with her and can't imagine how any of this would look to an outsider), and I am utterly brokenhearted to see my boyfriend in all of this pain over this very sick child. Her sister, the 21-year-old, has completely written her off, and has told me that she thinks there has always been something deeply wrong with her sister, but that she was always afraid to tell her father for fear of him being upset with her. Because it was always just the three of them, she worried that telling her father about her sister's behavior when he wasn't around would disrupt the family unit. Their mother was diagnosed by several court-appointed counselors as schizophrenic with borderline personality disorder, and we fear that this is what's happening with the youngest. I have tried my very hardest to be supportive and loving during this incredibly challenging time. My boyfriend cannot sleep, is having a hard time focusing at his clinic, and is completely depressed. As he has been pushing the idea of us living together for awhile now, this incident made me realize how important it is that I be there living with him (I am currently there 3-4 days/week), and I told him that I am seriously thinking about moving in together. His response was that he thinks that I am just happy that his daughter is gone, and that that is what prompted my desire to move in, which is not the case at all--I would much rather see her home and healthy, but I also pointed out to him that all she has caused him is pain for the past 3 years, and that maybe he does need a break from all this and maybe she needs to sort things out on her own, as he has done all he can to support and love her. He also pointed out that his 21-year-old is planning on moving out soon and thinks that I only want to move in because of that coupled with the youngest being gone. I will admit that I have expressed concern about the 21-year-old, mainly because she still doesn't have a license and still wants to spend every living, breathing moment with her father and has never dated, and even has to be right at his side at all times when in public (both kids reacted differently to their mother's abuse--one rebelled, the other hides from the world). Still, I like her very much and enjoy spending time with her, but do think it would benefit both of them for her to get out on her own and begin to form a separate identity. This brings me back to the living together situation; my boyfriend also lives in a wealthy suburb that was a court-mandated part of the custody arrangement because the judge thought it best that the students remain in the prestigious school system there, so he is living where he is for the 16 year old. I currently live in the artsy part of the city, and am reluctant to move into the suburbs with him to wait for his rebellious daughter to return. He asked how I would feel if I moved in with him and she moved back in. I said it would be hard, but that I would support his decision. I also told him that it has been incredibly hard to see her hurt him like this over and over, and that I think it might be best for her to learn things the hard way right now. He was incredibly hurt by that, and said that what I was saying was because I never fully bonded with the kids (I've done my best!). So I am at a crossroads. I can give up my fantastic apartment in a thriving art community (I am an artist) to move to the suburbs to wait for this terrible child to decide to move back in with him, or I might lose him (he is pushing me to make a decision). On one hand, I realize that it's just an apartment and a location and that my lifestyle would change. On the other hand, I worry about completely losing myself and becoming more and more steeped in the complete chaos of his relationship with his extraordinarily damaged daughter who keeps hurting him. I love him more than I ever thought possible, and don't want to lose him, but know I must make a decision. If you got this far, thank you for reading, and if you feel so inclined, please, I need some advice, and don't hold back.

I would like to thank everyone for their input. It has drawn my attention to items that missed my focus and brought more perspective. I understand I have issues I carry with me from my past and perhaps counseling could resolve these this is something I will arrange. It has made me feel so much better though just to hear of your stories or opinions. My friends dont understand what Im going through so this has made me feel less alone. Thank you. I dont think my wanting to have a family with a man who hasnt had one before is a fairytale. I have always wanted this for myself and I guess Im going through a grieving process as I am letting something I have cherished for so long go. This dream for me is precious as it would be the opposite of what Ive always had; it is possibly a means to no more pain and hurt and I guess Im trying to protect my possible children from such feelings. Just to clarify: my boyfriend has not seen his daughter since late last year. His ex-partner refuses him access to his daughter. My BF was paying maintenance up until about a month ago; he ceased payments in a futile attempt to trigger his ex-partner to contact him to arrange regular visitations. The court system has not been involved as yet my BF and his ex-partner had a personal arrangement. My BF wants to see his daughter and I wish he did, so I could understand exactly my place in this equation, and explore those feelings I know will emerge e.g. how I feel the first time he sees her since weve been together. As an example last Friday night was in part spent watching a baby video of his daughter. It made me sad and sick and Im still working through those feelings. Tonight he talked about how he held a baby today that was quiet and described how his daughter would cry if held by a stranger. Im still experiencing anxiety at hearing this. I dont want my boyfriend to already be a father. To juxtapose my feelings to possibly highlight what Im now experiencing: when I discussed having children with my former long term partner I would feel happy, excited, warm and would have a few butterflies in my stomach but it felt special. When my current BF talks of his daughter it fills me with the abovementioned negative feelings and dread. When we talk of having children (as he wants two more) it doesnt feel special but just like something else thats going to happen in an ordinary day. Its like the colours of the rainbow have been washed out and the rainbow is now in shades of grey. I definitely need time to process my feelings and what Im going through before making a decision. Thank you all again. Sincerely Midnight Fairy

Don't waste your time ladies and gent.... She knows her BF is a deadbeat and she supports him. I wanted to say the same thing so badly. Life together, Quirk stated "you get to see how your partner parents. Not how they say they plan to parent, but how they actually do parent." Why are there not enough clues for you? It is all these types of things that happen over time you get to see and scrutinize to determine if this is the kind of person you want to plan a life with. What you are doing is deciding you want a deadbeat dad for your own child(ren); you are deciding that for your own children, you want not only a deadbeat dad but one who is emotionally abusive to them and to you; you are deciding you want a man who is so controlling you stay confused most of your life and there is no way you can possibly do anything right because he finds something wrong with everything (the subject of his daughter is only the tip of the iceberg); you are deciding you want a man who does not consider your time, your feelings, or your existence as a human being who deserves any kind of respect; you are deciding you want a man who use his passive/aggressive tactics to constantly keep you feeling guilty and make you think you are the one always in the wrong; you are deciding you want a man who will bad mouth you to your children, family, and friends. You are not special. You only fool yourself into thinking you are because you are the person with him and you just loooooove 'im. But when the two of you break up (unless you take his abuse for the rest of your life), you will see him do the exact same things he has done to his ex and his daughter. With each of your subsequent posts, you make clearer the things you stated prior. I don't know why we have to pull your teeth because some of the initial posts have lacked information we would need to in order to satisfy what you expect from us. They also made you look like the bad guy. A little of that part I still question but really think those circumstances were created out of your desperation to finally do something that pleases him - a man who cannot be pleased. But this is getting worse by the word. Sylviatexas had him pegged from the beginning. LOL I should have known better than to second guess her. There is nothing to figure. There is nothing to try an remedy. There is nothing to talk to him about to try to straighten out. The only thing for you to do is decide to stay (all the things you are deciding you want) or go. But that was never your question, was it? You already said you don't want to leave. Therefore, I hope you are able to eek out a happy life and smile through the misery.

Welcome to this board! It is really such a great tool in keeping my sanity as a stepmom! The advice I give you is to really take things slowly and think about the worst case scenerio and decide if it is something you can live with. My hubby has sole custody of my 3 stepkids. But we can not erase her from our existance. She has moved out of state 3 times and come back only to leave again. Each time taking a piece of the kids happiness with her. She has made plans with them and stood them up without so much as a phone call. She has been gone 8 months now without as much as a phone call. We have no idea where she is living or how to get a hold of her. Her family knows which state she is in---which is no longer the same state as us, but that is about it. They can't even contact her! Each time she reappears with promises to the kids, which she does not fill. Then we are left picking up the pieces. At times the kids lash out at us because they are upset with her. But then they will talk to her on the phone and be nice as pie because they fear that she will disappear again if they don't. Its horrible to watch. So sole custody isn't a fairy tale ending. OR you could have a situation like justnotmartha or imamommy where the ex makes everything a fight. Imamommy has been in and out of court with her hubby and his ex. That can get costly. You could have a situation like doodleboo where the kids mom is a druggie and has bad boyfriends that you don't want the child around. You could have a situation like lovehadley where the mom is violent and drunk and uses the child as a weapon and excuse for everything. There is no easy part of stepparenting. Its twice the work of regular parenting and a very thankless job! Would I go back and never have married my hubby? NO WAY! I love him and the children. But I will not lie to you and tell you this was an easy road. It has been a struggle at times. And we have argued over the children and his ex. But we are always able to talk things out. Great communication is the key to success in any relationship, but more so in a stepfamily situation. I wish you a lot of luck and I encourage you to do a search on the posters I have mentioned and on my self on here to read some of our posts and what we have gone through. I also encourage you to come here often for advice or just to vent or share stories.