1. that some SP (new ones) might feel lost and confused (like serenity said: outsiders) about their role. they also might feel insecure around BMs and around SKs. SPs also need support from bioparents and stepkids. I appreciated that DD's new SM asked my opinion on things and on her role in DD's life. new blended families are tough on everyone including new stepparent.

2. stepparents of kids whose bioparent is not on the pciture at all (not EOW, not once in 2 month, not twice a year-not AT ALL) do all the work but then still they are not the parents. it could be painful. especially if bioparents reappear here and there and mess things up.

3. when people marry in a blended family they are responsible for stepchildren in a sense like respecting their opinions. new stepparents come in a family that is already established and it could be tough.

4. not every adult stepkid is greedy and evil and wants dad's money and hates stepparents. haha

5. most of all I have learned that DD is lucky to have two involved parents and decent SM who does not do anything too obnoxious. hahah It is almost boring. nothing to complain about. haha

1. That a lot of the problems that stepparents think they have with the stepkids, are really about their spouse, or the kids biomom or dad, and not about the kid at all. Its just easier to blame the kid.

2. That most steparents truly love their stepchildren, and their frustration is often because they see pain on the part of the kids.

3. That many stepmoms secretly crave the approval of the biomom, and find it painful when they get no positive feedback for what they do.

4. That many stepmoms can see nothing good about the biomom, and that many biomoms can see nothing good about the stepmom.

5, and Finally, Every step family is different. THe perspective of someone like KKNY, whose husband is with a play girl who wants nothing to do with the daughter, is not going to be the same as the perspective of someone like doodle, who is stepping into full time caretaking of her husbands kids, out of love. BUT...its hard for people to see the other kind of situation. They tend to judge everyone through the filter of their own experiences.

Great idea Serenity!

I'm going to second something you said, but put it in my own words:

- Whatever your feelings towards your SFamily are, they are valid. The important thing is to be honest about how you feel and try to get to the root of it.

And I will add, along those same lines:

- Making changes in your SFamily begins with yourself. You can't expect other people to change unless you acknowledge your own roles in problematic situations.

And lastly:

- There are three sides to every story: Party 1's, Party 2's, and the Truth (which is usually somewhere in the middle). So even if you are frustrated, try to consider the other party's perception.

I do agree with what has already been posted here, but bottom line this is what I see. IMO point one is the main cause and everything just trickles down.

1. No matter how dysfunctional and chaotic the family of origin was, for the majority of the children/teens/adult children of these divorces, THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE THEIR FAMILY OF ORIGIN LEFT INTACT. Some may never get over the breakup of their family.

2. It's easier for a SK to project the anger he/she feels toward one or both Bio's at the SP; conversely it's easier for the SP to hold resentments toward the SK(s) instead of the spouse.

3. The BioP often parents out of guilt and doesn't set good boundaries. Also, they may be subconsciously competing with their former spouse, i.e., who's the better parent, more fun one...

4. The BioP often feels in caught in between problems that arise between BioK(s) and new spouse and, not wanting to alienate anyone, does nothing, thus leaving the SK and SP to battle it out. This unfortunately only leads to more resentment for everyone involved.

"stepparents of kids whose bioparent is not on the pciture at all (not EOW, not once in 2 month, not twice a year-not AT ALL) do all the work but then still they are not the parents. it could be painful. especially if bioparents reappear here and there and mess things up."

This is so true.

I guess the main thing I have learned here is blended families arn't easy. My situation (as drama ridden as it can be sometimes) is really a cake walk compared to some. There are many struggling families out there. By reading the threads here I have learned when times ARE tuff that I am not the only person in the world dealing with this types of issues. That in itself can make the difficult times easier to handel.

I think a lot of the reason SD's mom and I have reached the point we are at (which has stepped back from the sharing a hide-a-bed days, but is still okay) is because of this forum. I learned to see things more from her point of view. I was able to see all that she has missed out on (caused by her own choices and actions, but I digress) and how that could turn her into the person she is now. I think of how hard I fought to gain custody of SD and then imagine what it would be like to loose it. . . then I multiply that by 100 and imagine if I were her bio-mom. I learned that as bad a mom I may think her, there are others who make her look like Mom of the Year.
I realized that I wasn't alone and not a Horrible Person for the thoughts I had about her. I was able to let go of a lot of my hatred and re-direct it as sympathy and understanding, for it is usually the miserable that aim to make others miserable. You don't see a lot of truly happy people trying to make life difficult for everyone around them. I learned that considering myself a failure because I couldn't make this woman like me was about the dumbest thing I'd ever done - if I dislike her on so many levels and for so many reasons, why in God's name would I want her as a friend?!?

Truly, I owe this board credit for a bit of my newly found sanity.
Now we'll see how long it lasts.

I've learned how to laugh at some of the things that used to piss me off. I've accepted that my SD's mom is who she is and if she isn't going to change for her daughter, she sure isn't going to change because of anything my husband or I say or do.

1) that I am not alone in my situation.-before this forum I didnt know ANYONE who was a full time Step Mom with an absent Bio.
2) that "the way things happened" depends on who is relaying the story.
3) that I do what I do for SD because I love her and she needs a mom not because I have to
4) I am also a step, and have come to realize here recently that my step mother has chosen to distance herself from myself and my children and not be very involved. before I just thought she was maybe busy..but after reading a lot of SM posts I think she may just not like me/resent me-for whatever reason.This is hard to digest because my relationship with my own step daughter is just so very different, there will never be a day that goes by that I dont speak, hug and help my step daughter through whatever situation she needs....
5) That anger between adults is what truley hurts these children of divorce and most are too blind to see it.

ima..That's perfect. It also took me so many years to just accept who my SD's mom is. and it took years to accept that my SD would always seek her mothers approval first, no matter how emotionally abusive she was to her. I got into this thing being so naive. I expected that we would all love one another and blend with a white picket fence and everything!!! Talk about living in a bubble. I learned that my bio kids and I came into this relationship with a whole different value system that my SK's just could not understand because they had their own. I also learned that all the children from both sides had their own coping mechanisms that worked for their survival in thier Bio families. Time and determination was what it took for me.