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BM Becoming More Sentimental

Posted by ulrike1 (My Page) on
Fri, Nov 6, 09 at 12:48

Just venting here, because I know there is nothing I can or should do about this. It seems to me that lately BM is becoming very sentimental about DH, herself and SDs. It is probably a "stage of life" thing, with youngest SD in college now. Her phone calls aren't as much about practical day-to-day issues now, as there aren't many with both girls out of town. She seems to call my DH more "just because." And just to chatter, because my DH is not very responsive, but he finds it hard to extricate himself from the calls.

We sometimes commute together, and this morning BM called while we were in the car. DH had the speakerphone on like he always does while driving. This time I consciously decided not to say anything, not to give away that I was in the car. The call lasted for several minutes, and my DH was trying to wrap it up once he realized there was really no reason for it. BM began to go down memory lane about the girls and then started talking about which characteristics each girl got from each parent. Finally DH said something to me, and BM said "Oh, is Ulrike1 with you? Oh hi Ulrike1," and signed off right after.

This whole thing is making DH pretty uncomfortable, and I don't know what to tell him to do. I don't want him to be unkind to BM, and I sure don't want to be the one myself to set any limits on her calls or whatever. But on an emotional level, we feel like BM is trying to set up a little squatters nest in our marriage.

Have any of you had an experience like this? Is there a way to discourage the bids for emotional connection while still preserving goodwill between the houses?

I wonder if she ever makes these calls while her DH is around?

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: BM Becoming More Sentimental

It is rather typical for parents to become sentimental when kids are off to college, empty nesters and such. When DD was off to college her first year X called me all the time. He has been calling me "just because", at first he called fairly often, it is much less now.

Most of the time ex calls from home when his wife is right there. Of course he does not call daily or weekly, that would be bizzare. I always say "say hi to your wife" and she sends me her hellos too. I certainly hope that she is not as preocuupied wiht me as you are with your DH's ex. In fact i am sure his wife doesn't think much about me. We are DD's parents, but that's about it.

I certainly do not think my X calls me to cause problems between me and my SO or because he is still hung up on me. LOL i know his wife has no concerns about that. I am pretty sure most women would not want to rekindle anything wiht their exes, can't pay me enough LOL Plus BM is married.

I think that your DH is uncomfortable simpy because he knows it makes you worry. i am sometimes uncomfortable if my X calls just because my SO dislikes it. Other than that if your DH would not want her to call and would be that uncomfortable, he would not pick up the phone, simple as that. She calls, he answers, they are in it together.

i don't think you have anything to encourage or discourage, he is a grown man. If you suspect he is being hung up on her address it directly wiht him, other than that don't let her live in your head rent free but don't attempt to micromanage.

i also wonder what are your relationship with your exhusband, is he is he involved wiht his kids, does he ever talk to you etc. maybe that realtionship is nonexistant and it is hard for you to comprehend that it could be different. My SO hates his X, so it is hard for him to see that others do not hate their exes and actually don't mind talking to them (of course unless BM calls your Dh daily or asks him out, then it is a different story)

RE: BM Becoming More Sentimental

I can relate, having just sent older DS off to college this year...
It's a time when we naturally reflect on how we did as parents, and fondly remember our children's younger days.

While I have refrained from calling Ex to reminisce, I can't say the ideas hasn't crossed my mind...
(And I don't like my Ex!)

It'll pass...

Thanks for your thoughts

Thanks, Finedreams and Sweeby! It is helpful to broaden my perspective by hearing the experiences of others. Finedreams, the other info you asked about my Ex-H--that might well be part of why I resent BM's frequent bids for connection. I think you're right that I am comparing my own sense of what's appropriate with my Ex-H with BM's much more needy stance as regards HER Ex, ha!

My Ex-H and I co-manage/own a business and a small family trust. This doesn't necessitate much contact between the two of us because of the way it is set up. When people say their interactions with the other parent is "businesslike," well, that is a really accurate description of my kids' dad and I. Certainly congenial and we do discuss the kids, but I would not describe it as "personal."

Finedreams, my DH is uncomfortable with BM's manner without any input from me. All I have to do is put myself in his place and imagine it was my Ex (or ANY ex-boyfriend) and I can identify with his discomfort. However, we have always wanted to be 100% available for any SD-related conversation. Sometimes we see it is her on caller ID and exchange a glance...let it go to VM? But what if one of the SDs has an emergency? Plus if BM has any info to share, we like to have it. And we share with her.

It's just all this "you and me" stuff that is getting old...and seemingly becoming a larger percentage of the conversation. Makes me wonder if she is having marital problems? (I know, none of my business!!)

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