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Aggravation

Posted by silversword (My Page) on
Fri, Nov 5, 10 at 12:35

DD has to go to a funeral for a family member on her dad's side. He will be traveling from out of state and so will she. It's not reasonable for him to fly in to our state to fly with her, so her grandfather asked if she could fly with her aunt's SO and BFF. I'm fine with that, even though I don't particularly know them, I will put her on the plane and then she will land and be met by X and family members. She's been flying UM since she was five, so I know she can handle it.

Here's the issue. EX-SIL doesn't seem to think it's important for me to get their personal info to put on DD's consent to travel form. I'm asking for full names, DL# and issuing state and phone numbers. I didn't want to argue with her so I kept saying I'd work it out with them, rather than her.

I admit, some of this is carried over from past experiences with her. But honestly, does anyone think this is just me being overprotective mom? Would you want your 8 year old daughter with a form saying who she is traveling with and where, with their information just in case something happens or would you be fine handing her off to virtual strangers and hoping she gets there and if something goes wrong just trying to explain who she's with (um, he's a tallish guy wearing jeans, goes by the first name _______) or having to call X-SIL to get his info in case something happens?

X-SIL kept saying "my dad told the airline she'd be traveling with family so it's all fine". Ok. But they're not, technically, family. X-SIL didn't marry her SO, and the other person is just her friend. So no, in the eyes of the law, they aren't family. AND, the person X-FIL talked to on the phone is NOT the person who will be at the gate, doing check in. Obviously. Has any one ever made an agreement with someone on the phone only to get to the physical location and have no one know what you're talking about? Who would be willing to take that chance with a child?

I'm doing this because I know DD would rather fly with her cousin and uncle, and I want to make it easy on the family so they don't have to make several trips to the airport. So I'm going out of my way to drive her up an hour extra to the airport from which they are flying. And that's if there is no traffic.

I just want to slap them silly.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Aggravation

It's YOUR child & you should know the full name & enough information to do a full background check on them if you so desire. How dare someone tell a mother she doesn't need the info so she won't get it... AND decide to lie to the airline to bypass security measures!

You may not want to do a full background on them, they may be very nice people.. but you have every right to. & I'm not only concerned with "if something happens", I'd want to know exactly who my child is with... PERIOD.


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RE: Aggravation

I think that if it were me, and I was flying with a friend's niece and my friend's mother's BF(!) there is no way on earth that I would take the child without my having a copy of written consent for me to have them.

Apparently it hasn't occurred to your X-SIL that it's quite possible that your DD will be asked questions by the TSA going through security (SS has been, when he's with us) and naturally she will tell the truth - she's traveling with her aunt's boyfriend and a "friend". Uh-huh. I see in my crystal ball..... a missed flight, and a nice long wait in a little tiny room with no windows with some nice people wearing uniforms and carrying probes. No way are they going to let a child fly off somewhere with random (legal) strangers until they get the whole situation clarified.

And all that is assuming that these people aren't in the witness protection plan or whatever their deal is that X-SIL is so hesitant to reveal their personal info.

Can you have her fly as UM but request seats on the plane next to them? I know it's more money but it might be for the best if, when you talk to them, they are not brighter than your X-SIL.


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RE: Aggravation

What a lunatic? I agree, if the kid gets pulled for a security screen, the answers are gonna look screwy. My god, you are trying to be nice.


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RE: Aggravation

You have every right to say the only way you will put your DD on the plane is if you have this information in advance.


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RE: Aggravation

I got the intel from them. Basically, I just wanted assurance that I'm not being overreactive from you all. Thank you. I was stomping around the house last night alternating between worry and anger.

Ex-Sil's BF has been in the family for over five years, and this is her best friend from childhood. I really don't see much issue, as I will be there to check her in and see her on the plane. But, just in case... I want their personal info. And, like some of you said, if we were to fly with an unrelated minor we'd want the info in our hands for our own protection.

Thankfully, when I spoke to X he totally agreed, and had the same conversation with his sister. dee de dee...


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RE: Aggravation

I suggest she flies as UM with no aunts and best-friends. I know you'll have to pay (depends which airlines) but in this case you don't have to deal with these people. If they refuse to provide information, then she shouldn't fly with them. No way.

I also think that unless it is her grandparents passed away (hope not), she does not have to attend. I mean it is nice if she does, but she is 8, and it might be OK to skip out of state funeral.


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RE: Aggravation

It is her grandparent. Her dad asked that she attend (and wear black! which is fine, she has a black dress, but I don't think black for an 8 year old is necessary. Which is neither here nor there.) They are paying for the ticket, not me. I want to make it easy on dad, who is flying for 12 hours to get there and then staying for one day and flying back, and easy on surviving grandparent... who has enough on his/her plate.

I got the info I need. It's fine. They're moronic. I'll meet them tomorrow, I'm sure it will go fine. I gave DD copies of all her info, in her purse. I will check her in. I gave her money, she has an ID and she has flown multiple times by herself on 1 hr to 10 hr flights. She's a fantastic flyer.

Mommies can't help but worry though. Thank you all for validating my feelings.


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RE: Aggravation

Silversword, my sympathy to your DD and to you, for the loss of your X parent in law.

I've been to funerals where every child from toddler age up is in black from head to toe (I had no idea you could even buy black dresses in that small of a size!). I don't think it's necessary either (actually I thought all white was proper mourning for a very small child) but DD might be uncomfortable if she were the only one not in black, and maybe that is all that your X is thinking.

I'm sure she will be fine. She has her mom as her role model; how could it be otherwise? :-)


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RE: Aggravation

You know my answer :) Absolutely not, you are not being overprotective in the least! You are being a GOOD mother and, even though these people are too stupid to see it, you're actually HELPING them out by providing the consent letter, etc.

I took SS to the Carribbean last year and I NEEDED that letter---the US Airlines agent in our city asked for it, and then I showed it going through customs, as well.

If I had not had that, we would have been in a total pickle!


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RE: Aggravation

OMG, I am so sorry, how awful. Of course she should attend her grandparents funerals. In fact I would assume you are going too. My ex went to my grandparents funerals and even helped arrange one of them. If something happens to his parents i would attend. In any case if you don't attend, you might have your reasons but DD must attend. i thought it is just distant relative.

How sad. I lost all my granparents when i was adult already (like in my 30s and 40s) yet it was awfully painful and i still miss them all the time, in fact they come to me in my dreams.

i hope DD can handle it... Black might be excessive but some subdued darkish color should suffice, like gray or navy. Sorry again, it is just too sad....:(
My DD still does not do well with death. she had hard time with her last greatgrandma passing, and she was 18 already...

So i understand the feelings associated with losing grandparents.


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RE: Aggravation

You're too kind Mattie, thank you. DD said "mom, I can't go to the funeral, my hair is blond" and I asked why and she said "because it's too bright a color!" LMAO. I had to explain (sing it with me now...) "it doesn't matter what you wear, just as long as you are there".

Thanks Love. The friend of the sister actually asked me if I wouldn't mind staying until she was checked in, and she had printed out the insurance card copies, etc and had them in her hand. I have respect for that. She was more concerned than X-sil. Which is a big reason that I walked out and didn't take DD with me :) OF COURSE I'm going to make sure she gets checked in! I walked next to them in security until the guard told me I had to leave, LOL :)

PO1, you know what they say about assuming....

I wasn't invited. DD didn't have to attend, her dad asked me if I thought it was appropriate and I said, yes, she's old enough, and asked DD if she wanted to go. I don't believe in making kids go to funerals, or preventing them from going if they want to go.

It is sad, but her grandparent was fighting cancer for years. At this point it's a blessing. X's parents hated me for bringing to light what a sorry SOB he was and wanted to sweep it under the rug. They didn't talk to me for years, and I've been nothing but respectful to them. So honestly, they can kiss my A@@ but I'll do everything in my power to make sure A) dd doesn't realize I have those feelings and B) that she knows her family and forms her own relationship.

So no, I just spent $30 on new shoes for her, $40 on gas (which will be doubled when I drive up to get her in a couple of days) $25 on a suitcase check-in, $5 in parking, $20 mad money for her plus a day of preparation (snacks, packing, travel details,) two hours of driving each way, getting up early on my day off... etc. I'm not spending even more money to fly myself out there (DD's ticket cost over $300) so that I can be treated like crap. Plus there are no flights available on Sunday, so DD has to fly back Monday. I'd have to take a day off work, which is not happening. Monday's are the most intense days for me already.

I would if the person were someone I loved, and who loved me. But this woman is just not not not. I think I'm being generous enough as is. Plus, when we found out gparent was on the way out I had DD call every day, and have had DD call even though she doesn't like talking to them for the past few years. She will do the obligatory call to them, but she begs to call my parents. Kids aren't stupid.

This is an example, perfect, I think, of what I was talking about in my other thread about BM's and power.

I could very well say no, DD can't go. Here are my reasons:
1) she has been sick all week and hasn't been in school.
2) she is starting an ear infection and is on antibiotics
3) she has a soccer game and a girl scout meeting she will miss
4) we were planning to go to the beach with her aunt
5) sorry, you can't fly her out of the airport right by my house? No, I can't take four hours out of my saturday to get her there.
6) you can't get her back on the weekend? Sorry, I can't leave work early to drive 2 hours up and two hours back on Monday
7) she just missed a week of school. she can't miss one more day.

(do I need more reasons, or is that enough?)

I could have just said no to them, or I could have said, DD you can go but it's going to be:
1) boring
2) everyone will be crying and you will have to be quiet
3) it's not a party
4) but we're having a party here!! remember our plans to go to the beach and go to the boardwalk and eat at your favorite restaurant and go surfing?????? nevermind that I wouldn't take her surfing with an ear infection, right?
5) you will miss your soccer game!!!
6) you will miss girl scouts and we were going to eat ___ snack and plan the sleepover
7) you'll fall behind in school and won't be able to make it up

DD would not have gone. I told her, so what if there was testing last week? You didn't feel well, so it's better you didn't test. You can make it up. So what if you didn't finish all of your make-up work, we can do it when you get back. The soccer team will be fine without you. ETC.

I encouraged her to do what I thought was best, not what I wanted her to do.

Believe me. I work up early this morning, battled CA traffic for hours, stood in the worst airport ever for an hour dealing with people who do not like me and are idiots, (dealt with the mommy stress of leaving my child with them) drove home for hours in traffic (major detours). It took nearly six hours out of my day, cost me money and required me to deal with irritating people, my X, his parents who hate me, his sister who hates me and my mom, who also hates me.

All in all, not my kind of day.

DD doesn't seem to be particularly sad. These grandparents are not warm and fuzzy. Plenty of money, not much affection. I was talking to DD about how everyone dies, even animals, and it's ok, and she started crying. I asked her what was going on and she said, I miss Max (our dog from when she was born who died 1.5 years ago). LOL. Not grandma, eh? She still hasn't shed a tear. When I cried about it, she hugged me, but she's not sad.


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RE: Aggravation

I never knew people are to be invited to a funeral. I never heard of it. It is not a wedding. But I would not attend either if there was no relationship or relationship was clearly bad. Plus it is out of state and cost money.

It is too sad DD wasn't close to them. Certainly it is their fault and their lost. SD29 did not attend her grandparents funerals out of state, I thought it was awful. But they were never close and grandparents did not do anything for grandkids, so she opted not to attend. She was not upset either. SO did not attend either, he had next to none relationship with his ex-inlaws plus he hates ex (mutual) LOL And they were married 27 years! So it is not unusual. Some grandparents just prefer not to get close.


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RE: Aggravation

No, you're right PO1. I could just show up with DD, and make this more about me than about the family who is actually grieving. I could dress all in black, hold tight to dd and make them go through me to get to her.

It wouldn't be appropriate for me to go. No one expected me to go, I wasn't "not invited" but I wasn't "invited". There's a clear difference. My mother is going. I don't know why, but she's going and my X-inlaws hate her and she them. I think the respectful thing to do in this case is not go. They are a very small family, and me being there would not contribute to their grieving process.

DD spent time with them, they just aren't warm fuzzy grandparents. Or parents. Or in-laws. They did a lot for her, and are very "good" people. They are just not the people a young child would be begging to go hang out with. She saw them twice a year, and enjoyed herself. They just don't know how to talk to kids or be around kids. If she had known them as a teenager or adult they may have got along great. Who knows?


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