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need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

Posted by finedreams (My Page) on
Tue, Nov 24, 09 at 11:55

I have no one in real life who i can ask that (too involved) and I believe that people here are the most reasonable and have the most common sense. help me here...rather urgent since it is thanksgiving related.

I am very upset wiht my SO and tell me if this is reasonable. Originally his DD21 was supossed to come home for thanksgiving but then all of a sudden she has to drive across the country to sick grandma and she has to drive BM's BF who is usually too drunk to drive (BM is already there). Nice.

Now SO is angry and as a result of that (which is somewhat typical-BM and DDs do somehting and I get punished) refuses to go wiht me to my family for Thanksgiving.

he would rather sit home alone than go wiht me. My family always does thanksgiving at my aunts mainly because they have the biggest house in the family and my cousins have young children.

He refuses to go wiht me, his rationale: I am uncomfortable in your aunt's house, I don't know them enough, my holiday is already ruined by my ex, my DD is not home but has to drive drunk BF blah blah blah.

let me tell you my family are the nicest, our family parties are the nicest, my aunt is welcoming and kind, and then of course my parents and brother are great wiht SO.

I am in a situation when i have to lie to my aunt because i won't be able to tell her the reason why SO not there, I will have to lie he is out of town. i am uncomfortable lying. To tell her that he doesn't want to come and would rather sulk by himself is embarassing.

Now, I can't explain enough here but seriously I feel that it is a symptom of a problem rather than a minor incident. i am there for his family always, treat them like kings and queens, buy them stuff and am exceptionally nice, my family treats SO like he is a king.

His actions exemplify for me lack of commitment, lack of selflessness (do it for me even if you don't like to go there), hung up on ex (why that many years after divorce he is still upset that ex makes his DDs do this or that, DDs are grown and make their own choices), still angry about ex's BF (TOM), and it all effects me.

I am embarassed to lie and go to thanksgiving alone, no one else is alone there but me. i mean of course i am with family, but I have been wiht SO for over 3 years. Long enough to have holidays together, don't you think?

I am considering ending a realtionship (not over thanksgiving incident but over what it is a symptom of). Tell me what you think?

i am so upset today. All he says: not a big deal. It is GF's aunt, not like it is your mother or a child. But that's where my whole family goes! It is my only aunt by the way and my two cousins are my only cosuins. we have no one else!

And then another thing. Since i have met met him he always says that his ex ruined every holiday party and gathering (she is crazy I witnessed it myself) so he is trying to avoid holiday gatherings because it gets ruined. But in my family it doesn't get ruined. So why can't he start new traditions and do not avoid things that reminds of his marriage disaster. Why do i have to suffer? i and my family are mistreated here. It is just wrong. I mean it is OK if he would go with his family or visit his kids, but he doesn't!

Tell me what are your thoughts. thank you
(hope i conveyed the message that what this incident means to me and that there is absolutelly nothing wrong with my aunt or anyone in my family-they are all classy and behave appropriatelly)


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

You know this hits home for me on so many levels.
Esp this part:

"His actions exemplify for me lack of commitment, lack of selflessness (do it for me even if you don't like to go there), hung up on ex (why that many years after divorce he is still upset that ex makes his DDs do this or that, DDs are grown and make their own choices), still angry about ex's BF (TOM), and it all effects me."

I think you are right on the money. Do you really want to be in my position in 10 yr.s? you know my story, that's all I have to say, except((Hugs)). And I hope you do go to your family and tell them the real reason you are there alone, if they ask and have a wonderful holiday with your family. that is what it's about after all.

~Cat


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

I'm sorry, finedreams, and yeah, I think SO is being unreasonable, but it's not what I think that matters here, it's how you feel about it all.

This is important to you and he seems unwilling to acknowledge that. I doubt it has anything at all to actually do with your family. Seems he does not want to go and is coming up with excuses to justify himself to himself. Frankly if me, I would not make up excuses for him though. Go, have a good time and enjoy your family, leave him home to sulk.

I suppose he'd still bulk if you asked him to consider coming for a litle while, long enough to enjoy the meal, socialize a bit and than excuse himself while you stay and enjoy your day? Have you discussed with him how his attitude towards one simple afternoon with your family upsets and disappoints you? Does he know you feel like you should lie for him so not to embarass yourself.

Lots of time people do things that they don't really want to do or that they are not overly comfortable for the duration of the event because it is part of being in and sharing a relationship with a partner. I imagine he can rest assured that there's lots of men (and women) doing things/going places Thanksgiving that they'd really rather not be doing/going, but they do it for their partner/spouse and they make the nest of it.

Maybe it is time to take a look at your relationship, decide if this relationship is really what you want, but in the mean time, don't let him ruin the day for you. Go to your aunt's and enjoy your family.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

I understand feeling embarassed by him to your family, but really, you shouldn't be. YOU didn't do anything. The most I would say to family is "Sorry SO couldn't be here, he had some family issues" along with the "look" (you know, where you make it clear that no more questions is needed lol) But that will only work if your family isn't the overly nosy type, so you knows what works best.

As far as breaking up, I think thats a call you have to make FD. For me, this would probably be a deal breaker. I think there is something not quite right that he can't celebrate a holiday with you regardless of his children at this point. Yes, I'm sure that it hurts him but he has had time to get used to this, it happens in some form every year and holiday! Also, being stuck on a past relationship has always given me the heebie jeebies. I'm right there with you when you say you think it's a symptom of something. For me, I would want to know what that something is before writing everything off.

Also, imo if a Mom/Dad are still having problems (significant) co-parenting/communicating when a new boyfriend/girlfriend comes along -- its not likely to change for a while and it isnt something I would personally want to sit on the sidelines and watch. It's not only disrespectful to the boyfriend/girlfriend (by dating without wrapping up baggage) I would personally lose respect for that person and it sounds like that is where you are it as well. Feeling embarassment for his actions, not a very romantic feeling.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

(((HUGS))) I agree with the others. SO is being unreasonable and inconsiderate of your feelings. This is something that is understandably important to you and he is blatantly disregarding that.

"

I imagine he can rest assured that there's lots of men (and women) doing things/going places Thanksgiving that they'd really rather not be doing/going, but they do it for their partner/spouse and they make the nest of it."

(I think she means best, not nest. :) ) Anyway, I agree wholeheartedly with the above comment.

I'm sorry, FD. I think your SO should be at your side on Thanksgiving Day.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

thanks everybody, you understood what I was saying...

i told him i am embarassed to lie but feel terrible to say the truth.

yes he knows how I feel about it because i cried this morning.

"I'm right there with you when you say you think it's a symptom of something. For me, I would want to know what that something is before writing everything off."-something is lack of commitment and connectendess to another person enough to ovecome discomfort. he is not willing to do that and for me it is hurtful.

No, coming for just a little while would not make any sense, it is 45 minutes drive and we go later in a day for dinner, so coming for a little while and leaving would not work.

This is so very true "Lots of time people do things that they don't really want to do or that they are not overly comfortable for the duration of the event because it is part of being in and sharing a relationship with a partner." And that what upsets me, he is not willing to do something what is important for me.

Him not willing to go to this one dinner just to make me and my family happy is wrong on every level. I feel that it is wrong.


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lovehadley

"I'm sorry, FD. I think your SO should be at your side on Thanksgiving Day."

I also believe that he should but he is not. And it is either something I have to put up with or i have to end it.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

Aww FD, I am so sorry! I can feel your hurt reading your posts. My concern is if he doesn't get this, and isn't willing to budge and do for you well, you will spend a longtime with this same sort of thing happening over and over. and it will just make you feel like you matter less and less.

You are correct, it is not right. Wish I could give you a big hug.

~Cat


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

I'm so sorry. I dont think it is really lying to say, I'm so sorry SO cant be here, but he's having some family issues. And if anyone asks, just say you'ld rather not talk about. I wonder if SO isnt depressed.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

It will never change, get out before you are typing my DH instead of my SO.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

KKNY might be onto something about the depression. Might be worth trying to get him to look into it.

Also,I forgot to add it before...but I would be most ticked off that he was trying to blame my Aunt for not wanting to come, rather than being self aware enough to realize this is his issue.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

Hi Fd,
My family is not as you describe your family to be. And yet, my DH says if I want to go, he will go to support me.

Don't lie. Tell the truth. He's burnt out on the holidays. Then go and have a good time.

I'm not going to my family's dinner this year. I don't feel good when I do. So I'm staying home. Traffic is my excuse.

It is a big deal to you. Family is family, regardless if first, second, third cousin. It's how it feels that counts.

Is your family mistreated by him not going? I don't think so. Are you mistreated by him not being willing to do something for you? That's the question. Is it this holiday that's bugging you or is this a pattern?

Personally, I would never make my DH endure my family and I've told him so. He didn't marry them he married me. And he, in turn, says he'd go to support me. Sooooooo.... It's the feeling of support/love that really counts for me, and I'd imagine it's the same for you.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

"I am in a situation when i have to lie to my aunt because i won't be able to tell her the reason why SO not there, I will have to lie he is out of town."

No you don't! You just say his Ex's family caused a big mess and SO is 'not feeling the holiday spirit' and didn't want to drag down anyone else's spirits.

"To tell her that he doesn't want to come and would rather sulk by himself is embarassing."

I get that -- But it's kind of the truth, isn't it? So you're put in the difficult position of either covering for it, enabling it, excusing it. Or admitting it.

Ahhh -- I wrote that before reading all of the others' responses, and they've already said it --
This is, very simply, something he should be willing to do for you -- even if he doesn't want to -- just because it's important to you.

His actions are telling you that to him, his discomfort at spending one afternoon with your family is more important to him than your feelings about going alone. Since you've said your family is nice, kind and polite, that puts things in a rather bleak perspective.

Sounds like you've already come to that conclusion though.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

FD - I'm so sorry you're going through this! I can totally empathize with you in this situation.

Maime said "It will never change, get out before you are typing my DH instead of my SO."

I don't agree. My DH was just like FD's SO for the first 4+ years we dated. He even went so far one year to actually ask to have his daughter (she was supposed to be with BM) on New Years Eve simply because he didn't want to go out with a particular group of friends.

We took a break and during that time he realized relationships are about giving, too, instead of always taking.

There was a long time that DH wouldn't go with me to DS's baseball games because he was uncomfortable being around X. Now he knows that I (and DS) are more important than the uncomfortablness.

A lot of husbands feel like they don't have to do things their wives like/want to do. They grumble about it and make things miserable enough so their wives won't WANT them to go. Maybe some women are like this, too, but I haven't met any. Most women I know would jump through rings of fire to spend any time with their husbands. Most women I know do the things their husbands want them to do with them just grateful for any of their husband's attention. NASCAR, football games, sports bars, happy hours with work colleagues, THEIR family events, etc....

Your SO may love you and may really want to be with you, but you've enabeled his self-centeredness this long and he knows if he acts this way you'll smooth things over for him. He knows your embarassment and expects you to make him look good to your family because you wouldn't want it to reflect badly on you.

Maybe you don't need to break up just yet. Maybe just quit covering for him. Quit making it easy for him to bow out.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

thanks again, yeap the issue of depression came up on several occassions. But if he does not do much about depression, I cannot do much either.

well even if I quit covering, the issue is still there. the issue of him not wanting to do something to make me happy, by somehting i don't mean buying diamonds LOL but simply going to a dinner with me.

"Is it this holiday that's bugging you or is this a pattern?" silverswood it is a pattern. Him focusing on negatives (that most of the time involves BM and DDs doing somehting wrong).

This is nothing to do with him enduring my family, there is nothing to endure. There is a lot of ridiculous behavior to endure in some of his extended family, yet i participate. it is him not wanting to do somehting what he does not want to do just to make someone else happy. that's the problem.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

FD - I spent years going to family Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners without my DH because he had his head up his butt. I didn't sweat going to the family dinners alone. If they asked about DH I would just tell them the truth, that DH didn't feel like coming. No embarassment to me.

DH finally understood that it was truly important to me for him to be at those few yearly occasions. We mix it up between my family and his, so there is a balance and not a monopoly. DH now goes to my family's dinners and actually seems to enjoy himself! There are times that I truly don't feel like hanging out with his family either, but I do it for him and usually end up having a really great time!

Sounds like you have already made up your mind. There is a lot of good advice in these postings and you still end up sounding as if there is no hope.

You need to walk away, if only for a time. SO needs to decide what is important to him.

Go and have an enjoyable Thanksgiving with your family.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

Tahnk you for your advice. I am not sure what you mean poppinggray. i made up my mind about nothing, otherwise i wouldn't be still with him and wouldn't be asking. I don't know if there is hope. I am pretty upset because it is not the first time.

One year he agreed to go to my family but then in the middle of the dinner he said my DDs are calling on my cell, they are coming for dessert right now we have to leave. I suggested they open the door (they have a code) and wait for us, also knowing from past expereinces they won't show up. he inisted. i had to leave too because we drove in his car. We rushed. When we got home of course DDs weren't there and they never showed up till next day noon. i left my family to do what, sit and watched him being mad about DDs? It is a pattern.

This year he'd rather sulk alone. last year he went to odler DD out of town and dragged younger DD who didn't want to go. DD21 ruined their trip by sulking the whole time. also DD28 ended up spending little time wiht dad even though he flew ina different state to spend holiday with her. SO came home mad and miserable. who suffered? me of course. i am tired of this. i pay for all this.

I am a positive person. this drags me down.


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cat

thanks cat. you are right...I feel that 3 years is long enough time to know what is important. I don't want to wait 10.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

finedreams,

I agree with poppingrays, my DH has been the same way. Go to your family gathering, DON'T Lie or make up an excuse. Just say "he didn't want to come." It's really not on you that he is being selfish.

Like poppingrays, my DH sometimes comes, sometimes doesn't. This year he said he would, then changed his mind. That made me mad and embarrassed at first but I've already told the fam that that's just how he is. HOWEVER, he has spent 2 days and big bucks making seafood gumbo that I'm hauling to them so they shouldn't miss him too much. I plan to enjoy myself without him, you should do the same.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

Hi FD, I think everything already has been said, just wanted to wish you all the best. It sounds like you've got a hard decision to make.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

Hi FD, everyone has posted lots of good ideas...:) I think KKNY's idea of the depression is a very good one, your SO does sound that way. You could take him to his family doctor and check into it, you can also take online "tests", such as this one.. http://www.depression.about.com/cs/diagnosis/l/bldepscreenquiz.htm There are lots of sites if you just google "depression test" and they aren't a perfect diagnosis, but if your SO takes one, it might at least show him if he is indeed depressed and then he might at least choose to get some help,if he is depressed. He also sounds like he is still allowing his DD's and his ex to manipulate him terribly and he sounds like a big time enabler. He is "enabling" his kids and his ex to ruin his (and Your!) holiday! Sounds like he could use a therapist to help him get thru this, as he is letting them run and ruin his life for him. In turn, you help him with the kids, because you love him and you are a good person, but you get "swept" into the mess.

I really hope you go to your family party and have a good time and as my dear old Mum says "Let him stew!!" Sometimes just by letting him sit there and be miserable and by not asking him anymore to come, maybe he will actually think about how his behaviour is affecting you and your relationship together. I would even go so far as to tell him when you leave to go to the party: "think about how your behaviour is affecting other people,in particular me." Then give him a smile and a hug and a wave and a "see you,I'm off to have a great time!!" If all else fails, tell him your cousin is bringing a newly divorced guy who is apparently heartbroken but dashingly handsome and smart funny, etc...a doctor...LOL!!


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

Hey Fine, I think everyone has already told you what you know in your heart to be true . . . I just wanted to send you a hug, and tell you the lamp is on the way . . .


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

"If all else fails, tell him your cousin is bringing a newly divorced guy who is apparently heartbroken but dashingly handsome and smart funny, etc...a doctor...LOL!!"

I love this one. haha

Thanks everyone. Enjoy thanksgiving!


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

Sorry you're dealing with SO acting like a big baby, FD. There's nothing worse than a grown man sulking! (Well, maybe a few things a worse, but it's right up there)

A ways up in the thread there was a post about that even if you don't cover for him, the issue is still there.
I think there might be two sides to that...
If you cover for him, you enable him to sit at home like a grouch and feel good about it.
If you don't cover for him, he'll still sit at home like a grouch, but maybe he'll realize that having your whole family know he's stewing at home makes him seem like a bit of a jack@ss and he'll clean up his act.

I don't know your SO, but that worked on an ex of mine.


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

Finedreams,
What happened yesterday?
I do hope you went to your family's get together and had wonderful holiday :0)

~Cat


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RE: need urgent advice before Thanksgiving

cat, thanks, I went to a family party of course and had other fun things planned for this past weekend, so it was nice. Hope you had a good holiday as well.


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