No, not critized again. But all 'we' have to go on as 'we' don't know you except for what you actually write, it does get hard to know sometimes what posters 'mean' from what they actually 'write'. I don't think you are a terrible person, was looking for a bit more clarification as the statement really did not come out very well in non-verbal black and white is all. The subject of child abuse is something I don't take lightly. In fact it's likely the reason this person calling into DHS to make a report. If she does not know you and the child is running around claiming to have been beaten, don't be so hard on that person. Teachers, school officals, daycare centers, blah blah are all now suppose to report such things. It's for the child's protection. some really horrible things do happen to children in their homes. Yeah, it'd be a hard place to be in when you happen to have a kid who just flat out makes up stories and false claims. It's terrible that some parents actually encourage their kids to lie about such things and try to win 'sole custody' ect by such means. I did go back and read your entire posting now. Don't give up on counseling. If the mother refuses to let the child attend, can DHS intervene an order counseling that would require the mother to take child to? If they have already been involved several times, I'd think there might be something they could do to force ensurement that the child gets treatment (and maybe the mother too). Is the 2 yr old endanger from the 9 yr old? Dh and you have to protect the toddler if there is any chance she might harm the little one. even if that means limiting visitations. What kind of visitation schedule do you have now? I'd understand totally Dad wanting a relationship with the child, but if she is a real threat to your household, Dad might have to do visitations elsewhere and/or supervised to protect all members. I'd would not want to be alone with the kid if she is goign to lie through her teeth about what happens and/or how she is treated. Dad visiting the girl shorter hours and perhaps in a neutral place might be something to think about.

I mentioned last May that both SD25 and SD24 raged at us, mainly their Dad, for neglecting them, and leaving them out and not spending time with them. DH and I both are very sensitive people, and took this very hard coming from them. It caused to to reflect and examine our behavior to them, and did we really do what we are being accused of? We felt that we were unjustly accused. So, to be objective, and look at facts, I made a journal starting the month in September 2005 when I met their Dad. I logged into the journal every time that we had contact with them. I included times that we actually visited them, where the visit was, what we did, and who picked up the tab. I also included all of the times that we invited them, but they turned us down. Mind you that we wouldn't just say, can you come Friday night at 6pm. We'd say something more like, "We have off of work for the next 3 days, would you like to get together sometime in the next three days?" We tried to be extremely accomodating with our schedule, because we placed a high importance on spending time with them. DH never said, as one of the posts said that he told his girls that, "Sorry I don't have time for you". He bent over backwards to try to do things with them, and make them feel comfortable with the new marriage. My journal showed an average of every 2 weeks or twice a month that we actually spent time with SD24. With SD25 it was about 1 time a month, but she was attending college out of our area, so it is natural to see her less. When my son went to college his freshman year, I said Good Bye in August, and didn't see him til Christmas. He never accused me of neglecting him. He knew I was sacrificing in order to help pay his tuition, and he was pretty glad to get home at Christmas. After Christmas break, we saw him at Easter, then not til college dismissed in June. I have no regrets, and DS23 doesn't feel neglected. Also it was a HUGE change for DS23 because I filed for divorce from his father, after 25 years, right before Christmas. He went to school in the fall with a whole family, and came home to a mess on Christmas break. Never accused me of neglecting him! And a huge stress on his shoulders. With SS29 we see him about 5 times a year since he lives 1200 miles away, they come home quite often. But SS29 never complains about being neglected. SS29 is always polite and respectful, just clueless about social graces. SD24 would sometimes say to us that her DH didn't want to always have to do the driving to come over and spend time with us. They live an hour away from us. So, my DH said to her, "What do you want us to do? Do you want us to just invite ourselves to your house? You're newly weds, should we just pop in without an invitation? We've never been invited to your place." Her answer was that we were welcome any time. So again, DH said, "should we just show up on your doorstep at mealtime?" An hour is a long way to drive when you don't know if anyone is going to be home or not. We clearly don't feel comfortable barging in on our young adult children without an invitation. Yet an invitation almost never came. SD24 invited her Dad over and made him a delicious birthday dinner 18 months ago. That was the last invitation from her to do anything with her. Like I said, my journal showed either we visited or made invitations that were turned down on average of every 2 weeks for the past 3 years! The invites were sometime as a couple, and sometimes just Dad. It depended on our schedules. Sometime I'd be working, and he'd make plans with his kids while I was at work, etc. Same thing with phone calls, they hardly ever call just to visit with him to see how he's doing, or to see if he would like to get together with them. He does almost 100% of the contacting. They usually contact him when they need something from him, or when there is some benefit in it for them, or obligatory times like his birthday, etc. I made a pact with myself in September 2008 that I was going to stop trying so hard to gain their approval, stop contacting them altogether. I have been and will continue to be polite to them, try as hard as I know how to make them feel comfortable and welcome in our home, and I will answer any communication that they direct my way. I will NOT initiate any communication from me to them. The ball is in their court now. None of my 3 SK have contacted me since September, except my SS29'sW who emailed to see when I was sending out the Easter outfits for the SGKs. They have been told by their father, that they are welcome here anytime, they don't even need to call ahead. He said it would be better if they'd phone ahead, but they are always welcome. We think that kids should always have a standing invitation at their parents house. My DH actually cries sometimes. He is very sensitive. He feels that his daughters have neglected him! He has confronted them about this, and they say that things will change. And they do for about 2 weeks. Then they drop out of circulation until he hunts them down again. DH feels that he should do his part as a responsible parent, and try to build the relationship. If they don't do their part that is their decision, but he has the confidence of knowing that he has tried to spend time with them.

dunmoanin, I am so glad i have read your post. My situation is not what you have discribed but i see some similarities. I had a blow out with my husband last week. I understand that men from divorce are stuck between two families...but last week just took the straw for me. I'm lucky , very lucky in one sense because my sd does nto live with us. She comes EOW. BUT she manipulates and tries to hog alot of time from her father when it suites her. IE she is very jealous of her own brother when he spends time with his dad when they both come over. My dh puts her in her place but this jealousy has been there since i'm met her when she was 5 years old. She definitely was jealous when i came into her dads life and he again put her in her place. So in none sense , dad doesn't put his daughter all the time on a pedestal BUT he does favor her above both his sons...which i find disgusting. He does share way too much info...i mean, all daily activity with her on the phone when she phones. She use to phone all the time...but thankfully that has stopped because she is older, in her teens and fights with her dad because he now has opened his eyes. But what happened last week really stabbed me. I have been testing her by telling her about plans ahead of time...and she sabotages them. I only told my dh 2 days ago. I blew up...God help...i've never been so angry in my life and some of the things i said were so vile towards him and his daugther but i just erupted. i basically said that he should marry his daughter and go......i wont say it further...but you get the gist..... i told him she says jump andhe says how high...that he backstabbed me as a wife and friend. He knew we had plans but the dear daugther phones and he promised to take her to lunch and watch her game and dumps all the plans out the door for the entire family for her! Well i told him off , told him my feelings..and also told him to keep his plans wih his daugther and that i would make other arrangments. i slept separatly for 2 nights We spoke, mended...and low and behold she phones again..says someting to him that shocked him and he defended me..and told her to stay at home ... I'm drained....i'm unhappy...not at my husband...but at the events that unfolded. The stupid games...andi todl him last night that i'm starting to hate her, resent her and not care....its building. I wnat to let it go..but i do not trust her and she plays games.....Been taught by her mother , she's influenced by her mother....so there is nothing i can do about it....but i do notsee it gettign any better when she is older. I just see more games...i just pray that my husband keeps his eyes open. He does buckle from time to time. He said he wanted to give a diamond necklace for her sweet 16....keep in mind he doesn't havea penny to his name! He wont give jewellery to me but he wants to do it for his daughter!!!!????? I'm not jealous. Honestly i'm not. BUt i just do not think its normal for a man to share every detail moment of his life with his daugther....he's also pulled back from doing that now as well. But how long will this happen? After reading your story, i just cannot believe you stayed that long and took so much disrespect. I had one incident last week and i made sure he knew exactly how i felt adn i told him he goes down that path, i will be out the door...no lie there! I encourage him to see his kids and be with them....but not to leave me hanging because of sd manipulations. To make him choose between me and her..or now...her and my son. I hate it. I hate the games. Its disgusting me this week and i'm sooooooo upset about this. I really have no interest in seeing her next time. I need a break

Well, you certainly have been vocal about enjoying your adult kids at home and I can certainly relate. My own family would be easy for me to tolerate - they've never mistreated me or mine and if they ever did get moody, I'd have no problem speaking my mind. And, in my old age, I really hope my dear sons do come back home after college. I'd love it! I hope we'll always be close as my parents and I have always been close. And, if I ever do need something in my advancing years, I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting on my skids to help out - it just isn't their thing. It will be MY family who has always been there for me and who I can count on - hopefully, my sons will be of a similar mind to me and not of the thinking that my skids have - they're selfish, spoiled and have a huge sense of entitlement. I pray they mature and grow out of that stage, but I haven't really seen signs of that happening. My youngest's b-day is Thurs. and she said, "I'm gonna take you to Toys 'R Us and buy you a big dinosaur!" Meanwhile, my oldest (turned 7 a month ago) is still waiting for his trip there, also promised, but never delivered though she did decorate a little on his b-day w/ balloons that I had around. He asked me when she was going to take him and I just said for him not to ask her again as I guess she forgot and it isn't polite to keep asking. Not sure what else to do here. When my friends had a surprise shower for me, neither SD brought so much as a card. Christmas? Nothing for me or the boys again. Do you see a pattern? And, before you ask, yes, I shop for them, but what I buy is usually returned. One year, I bought the younger one 8 different things FROM HER LIST and every single one slowly but surely was returned. She would ask for the receipt, then had my DH ask for the last ones as I guess she felt embarrassed or something. If my nephews, cousin, sons or someone from my family didn't let me know about dinner, coming home, etc, I'd have no problem not accommodating them or calling their cell phones at midnight to find out where they were. W/ this one, it's a toss up and I am uncomfortable if she isn't home and it's late - worried about an accident. It was the same crap when my SS lived w/ us. Frankly, I haven't MUCH time alone at all and just want to have my immediate family living in the house I built for them. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish to you. I thought this was a forum in which to seek support and vent out our frustrations. I'm sick of houseguests, permanent or temporary, and the lack of consideration that goes along w/ them. As I'm sure I mentioned somewhere, a one bed. apt, as one of my assts. rents in a nice area, goes for $800/mo. My asst. makes nowhere near what my SD makes. My steps could either share a room and let the younger SD's bf have the second bedroom of the rental (which I wish was just rented to some stranger at this point) or, let the younger SD and her bf have the master and this SD have the secondary bedroom. I could get close to $2000/m, but wouldn't be comfortable upping the rent from what I rented to my current tenant, so it will stay where it was. I think I've done my time w/ my steps: the thanks I got from the son was shafting me on the student loan I cosigned for him foolishly, paying his car to this day - though my DH finally got it back, we can't get rid of it in the condition and w/ the miles he left it, and we still pay his cell, hoping to keep a line of communication open which has not been the case for 3 years. I don't want to hold his faults against this SD, but so many things are similar, not that I'd be stupid enough to ever sign another note. I can't change who I am, and I do worry at night when it's late and the steps aren't home. Last night, this one was out til 11:00 this morning. Was I told? No. There are accidents here every day and night on the news - don't tell me not to worry 'cause I do. I had a head-on collision in my late 20's and if my mom wasn't the worrier she is, I might have died waiting on help as I suffered a pneumothorax from a driver who fell asleep and hit me as I was coming home from residency late one night. But, I was responsible and if I wasn't home when I was supposed to be and didn't call, my parents knew something was wrong. Last night, I had confirmation for my CCD class and my oldest son had a b-day party to attend so my SD babysat the younger two for the hour between me leaving and my husband returning. It's the second time in 5+ months that she helped out. When I returned, I said to my husband that we ought to grab a quick dinner alone and she quickly stormed out, "I'm going OUT in 45 min, so if you're going, you better make it quick!" I didn't say anything, just went upstairs and changed. It's not that I didn't appreciate her helping out, but it's the entire attitude she has that is on my nerves. BTW, all of the interior doors in this house were to have the same little wrench that opens them that we planned to keep above the door frames for each bedroom. But, my 4 y.o.'s and the guest room are the only ones that got them. I'm not one who locks her bedroom door, but after having her barge through on Good Friday thinking I wasn't home, I guess I should. Do you think that is OK to do w/ the excuse that she didn't realize I was in there? I guess I'm being unreasonable again? Sorry, but I disagree and now wonder what the heck she was doing in there and how often she did it! Dana