Oh wow Amber.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((AMBER))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are so strong. If circumstances were different I'd take you out for something - chocolate? liquor? water balloons?

Maybe all three..... ;)

Amber I'm so sad! I'm glad that you have made a decision based on some real important issues and that you are content with it but I'm sad you'll only be here 'from time to time'. You've given me some great advice and I always look forward to hearing from you.

We could all go out for chocolate! Silver I love this water balloon idea!!

Don't stay away just because you are out of the relationship. And good luck with your Dd. I really hope you can get the help from the school you are needing. You are right! 13 and her independent wings will be spreading for take off in no time! Spend as much time with her as you can. You can't get those years back! I'm dreading it.

Big hugs, good luck and come back often! We'll still be here!!

Isn't it fraud if you have your BF's work comp account put under your name?
I would re-think doing it because you would be the one in trouble if a problem arose.
Good luck.

Thanks girls,

I'll take the chocolate and liquor, what are the water balloons for, LOL?

So I take it you don't think I've made the wrong decision? I wasn't a horrible pseudo step mom who just couldn't accept her BF's child?
I really, really tried not to let BF's son get to me. I don't know why the things he does annoy me but they did no matter how hard I tried not to let them.

Just the other day I was at BF's house, in his bedroom, and BF's son went and walked right across his bed with his dirty feet! Mind you he walks ALL over the house and OUTSIDE in his bare feet and then goes and walks right on top of BF's WHITE comforter. Only it's really a dingy color and NOW I see why. And I've talked to BF before about letting him walk and put his feet on things, ie. the bed, the couches, the counter tops. EEEEW. It's like he's a little monkey, he can't walk around something he has to walk on top of it. The kid really needs a jungle gym, LOL. Oh well, I won't have to think about those things anymore.

Thanks Myfampg, I will visit often. You haven't seen the last of me.

Carol- I don't know if it's considered fraud or not, I only did it to help BF get some work because at the time he was in a bind. But as time has gone on I did start to get uncomfortable with the situation and that's why I told him I can't do it anymore.

I don't think that it was about the son as it was more about your BF not taking control and responsibility for his son. AND after reading about the tax thing, the kid thing is nothing!! My sister's first husband had tax problems and she thought it was no big deal. He had 'plans' to pay it off. In the end, my sister paid every bit of his tax problems out of her tax refunds for the next three Years and then dealt with fighting the IRS to prove she wasn't responsible for his debt. She worked in a gov't job and lost that job because of it. I think you made the right decision.

If you could see my son right now, you would cringe. He is running on the playground bare foot. Lol But I would be livid if be ran over my white sheets after running around outside. I'd beat him with his shoes!!! These ate discipline things and you can't expect to change BF. He is the way he is and you are being very smart to decide that you can't handle how he parents. I think you made the right decision based on your feelings and what you know you can or can't live with.

What was his reaction?

Yeah, I can not let another man drag me down financially.
BF's reaction was subdued.

I think he could tell from the look on my face that this was not going to be a good conversation. He said he respected my reasons, he understood them.

He said he couldn't blame me, especially for the tax issue.
Just tonight he called me. He apologized. He said he was wrong for when I said I needed him to handle his son and he put it back on me. He said he is going to start disciplining his son and making him behave. He is also going to work on the tax issue. He wants me to give him some time before moving on with my life to prove that he can change and be a better parent.

I said I'll believe it when I see it. I said maybe after a month we can hang out as friends and I'll see how his son behaves but I'm not making any promises.

It's late and I'm kinda tired, but I'm fed up at this point. I've talked and talked to him about this, and now I've broken up with him and he realizes how serious an issue this is, plus the tax issue. Gosh, how much time have I spent worring about his issues with his son?

I also told him how I felt about him moving his son in without even talking to me about it first. I told him that I did not like that he just moved his son in without talking to me about it, and didn't understand why I was so upset about it. It wasn't until some lovely ladies on a very nice forum helped me understand why he did what he did. I was able to make him understand that he made a huge financial decision by going about things he way he did and didn't even talk to me about it, when we were supposed to be building a life together.

He apologized for not talking to me about it, but I think at this point he is just missing me and is willing to say just about anything to get me back. I shouldn't have to break up with someone to get them realize what they were doing wrong.

I don't know. I feel like we've tried to work this out, and I'm tired of trying.

Oh honey I'm so sorry. You sure are tired. You've been the adult for many months nOw and you're tired. Give it some time, give yourself some space. See how you feel in MORE than a month. In one month, there is no way BF and jr are going to have made much headway in the changes that need to be made. It took me two years to potty train my son, I can only imagine how long it would take to overhaul a 8/9 year old not to mention the adult in the situation. BF is going to need to do research and read books. He isn't going to learn how to parent over night when he has been bachelor dad all this time. Give it more than a month if you feel like you want to see where it ends up going but just be careful. You are right, he is probably saying what needs to be said because he misses you. That doesn't mean he isn't sincere. I'm sure he is. And sometimes it takes a wake up call to show them you are serious. AND apologizing to you is huge! It actually would mean a lot to me and maybe even give me closer if he had apologized to me. It's better than saying 'whatever you don't know what you are talking about' which would just cause resentment and anger (if it were me)

As far as him moving his son in without talking to you first. I don't necessarily agree with that. He isn't married to you and you weren't living together yet. He had a situation come up and he had to make a decision concerning his child. I applaud him for stepping up and doing what he had to do. Not a lot of men do. Would you rather be with a man that said 'nope my life is too busy, I've got other things to deal with, cant be a full time dad'. I would feel differently if you were already living together and/or married and he moved the kid in without talking to you. But he did what he had to do so if you knock him for that it gives him the feeling that he just can't do anything right and again just breeds resentment.

I still think you did the right thing.

I don't know... water balloons are better than rocks :) I don't think you're at the point of going after his leather seats with your pen knife... but some release is always nice after a breakup.

Myfampg - I agree with you that it's going to take longer than a month to get his son on the right track. While it is nice that he apologized, I feel like we've had this conversation several times before and I'm tired of it. We can be friends, but I can't put my life on hold until he gets his act together, both with his son and with the tax situation.

Yeah, it took me a minute to understand why it bothered me that he didn't talk to me before moving son in.
Trust me, I felt terrible for even feeling that way, and it wasn't until I talked to you girls on here that I realized my problem wasn't that he moved his son in, it was that he moved his son in without getting the child support issue taken care of first. He is taking a big risk that BM won't come back and sue him for child support later on. And he decided to take that risk without discussing it with me. That is what bugged me about the whole situation.

Silver - LOL! I wouldn't throw water balloons, I don't hate him, I still love him, but unfortunately in this situation, love is not enough.

You DID do the right thing -- Any you're right that he'll say anything to get you back right now -- Don't fall for it! And Myfam is right that it'll take much more than a month to see whether the changes are real and meaningful or just a temporary measure. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to 'fix himself' (it's unlikely), and carry this new learning experience with you as you move forward --

Let me ask about your daughter -- You expressed concern that she might be on the autistic spectrum, yet also said she wants to hang out with her friends. Those two statements don't usually go together... Kids on the autism spectrum generally have such a difficult time making friends and managing friendships that it would be most unlikely for autism to be your daughter's issue.

If you don't mind sharing, what is it she does that has you worried? And what avenues have you explored to date?

My cousin was diagnosed with Asbergers syndrome, it's a form of autism and she is social. She's just very different.

I agree that you did the right thing. The tax issue would be a huge issue for me, and their's NO WAY I'd be letting him put checks in my name that I'd potentially owe money for taxes on.

Thanks, Sweeby. Yeah, it's a learning experience all right!

As far as your questions about my daughter, no, I don't mind sharing. Any advice or help anyone can offer is greatly appreciated. It's kinda long though, so if you don't mind, I'll start a new thread about that.

Using your name for the workers comp is fraud. It's also a waste of money since if he were to get hurt on a job, he could not file a claim. If everything is in YOUR name, you are the one that is responsible for the work he does... as if YOU did it. If he does shoddy work or the homeowner sues the contractor, YOU will be named as a defendant as well. It's a HUGE risk to take to help a guy dodge his responsibility to file taxes. I hope you rethink continuing on for the rest of the year. There is absolutely no risk for him & you could be left holding the bag. Without knowing the ins & outs of the situation, there could be additional employee tax liabilities. I own two small businesses (sole proprietorships) and you have to follow EDD, IRS, FTB, & local laws. It can be very easy to get into trouble... just as he is in hot water for back taxes. I know that in CA, there were newly formed task forces to seek out businesses that are not in compliance with all regulations so they can generate revenue through fines.

Also, if he is contracting without a license, that will be a bigger headache. I know they are always actively looking for contractors that are not licensed. If everything is in your name & you don't have a contractors license, that's more risk/trouble for you.

Just something to think about.

Yikes, thanks for the heads up, Imma.
The only person he uses the workman's comp for is this one contractor, and he hasn't given him any work lately.

Any other work he finds the homeowner just pays him cash.

It is stupid though, he's so afraid the IRS is going to garnish his wages, he won't get a regular job. Normally he is able to find enough work to do through his list of contractors and homeowners that pay cash to keep himself busy. But he hasn't had any work for the past three weeks. And he can't/won't get a regular job because it won't pay as much as he can get working for himself and because he's afraid the IRS will garnish his wages if he does.

So he's been sitting at home the past three weeks with basically nothing to do. I think that was another thing that got to me. The stupid catch 22 he's put himself in.

Amber, I just want to say you sound like a great person! You asked earlier if we thought you were a bad SM or something like that - absolutely not! A "bad SM" would have stayed, regardless of how badly things were going, regardless of whether or not her step-kid(s) were running wild, neglected or unhealthily spoiled, regardless of how the conflict might have affected her step-kid(s), completely heedless of anything but what was best for her. That is so not you.

Also wanted to weigh in on the tax thing. Your BF is being a doofus. Of course the IRS is going to garnish his wages - he owes 70K! And they're not going to go away or forget about it - he needs to call them now and get this straightened out. Really they are not scary mean people so long as you call them first. I'd separate myself from that whole approaching train wreck just as fast as I could.

My husband (before we met) cashed out his 401k (it was small). They took out the taxes but not the 10% fee. So he paid off his debts and was debt free of any credit cards when we met. He was so proud. Lol
He owed like $50 the following year, no biggie. The year after that (right after we got engaged) the IRS sent him a letter... He owed $3k for that 10% fee that was not taken out and he did not pay. He failed to read the fine print when cashing out ...
So for the next year they sent letter after letter and he finally got off his bum and called them and made arrangements. By the time they got around to processing it, tax season cane around and we were married. We filled jointly. I always get a huge refund bc of child care. They garnished it.... But it's paid and done. They are slow but they will eventually get their money.
This means your BF will never be able to own anything. He owes so much they will take everything he has. And rightfully so. As Americans we have one responsibility to our country and that is taxes. We don't like it but it must be paid. It is what it is. If he started making payments and doing the right thing by standing up and making an effort, it would go away eventually. Ignoring it is only costing him more money in the end.

Another story for you: my grandfather had a little side business after retirement. He was the ice cream man. He never paid taxes. They took his car, his home, everything! It was awful. But he cheated the system for years thinking he didn't make enough to owe. At his old age, this left Jim helpless and penniless. He died with nothing and on welfare, etc because he made a poor choice and he did it for a long time.

IRS is serious business. I would not keep helping your ex if it were me. I'd be terrified to deal with this and might be left holding the bag.

BTW, he may not owe 70k in taxes. If he is self employed, he can deduct his business expenses which reduces his taxable income. He needs to prepare tax returns for those years to figure out what he really owes. He can't keep dodging it because they will not go away & they will calculate what he owes based on the income information they have, without deductions & continue to add penalties.

"A "bad SM" would have stayed, regardless of how badly things were going, regardless of whether or not her step-kid(s) were running wild, neglected or unhealthily spoiled, regardless of how the conflict might have affected her step-kid(s), completely heedless of anything but what was best for her."

Thanks Mattie. Really, I was thinking of my girls first. My girls are so attached to exBF, I was hesitant to break up with him because I didn't want to hurt them. But I talked to my D13 and she told me while she would miss him she'd "get over it". That was all I needed to hear. Once I knew they'd be ok I knew what I had to do.

Ex-BF claimed he was only thinking of his son when he moved him in, but I think he didn't think about anyone except himself. He didn't even consider how changing schools two weeks into the school year would affect his son.

"If he started making payments and doing the right thing by standing up and making an effort, it would go away eventually. Ignoring it is only costing him more money in the end."
Totally agree!
This is another thing I tried to help him with. I even told him that the IRS has a program called Offer in Compromise, where they agree to accept less than what you owe, and you can make payments on that amount.
And like Ima says, with business expense deductions it probably won't be 70K. He still has bags of receipts he's saved from those years. But even after I showed him the information about the offer in compromise he still didn't do anything!

I spent so much time researching and looking up information to help him with his problems, the taxes, getting custody of his son, etc. but he wouldn't do anything with the info I'd give him.

When I'd try to tell him how to get custody of his son he'd argue with me about it and say he needed thousands of dollars for a private investigator to spy on BM. I'd try to tell him there were other ways to go about it but he didn't want to hear it. Seems he was more interested in complaining about things instead of learning what he can do to change them.

"But even after I showed him the information about the offer in compromise he still didn't do anything!

I spent so much time researching and looking up information to help him with his problems, the taxes, getting custody of his son, etc. but he wouldn't do anything with the info I'd give him. "

You're a smart cookie Amber! This is a big warning sign for how he handles the important but unpleasant things life hands us to deal with. (He just ducks for cover and hopes they go away... And of course, they don't.) Which means, that if you were to marry him, you'd be handling all of those unpleasant things on your own without any support or assistance from him. (Though of course, open to his criticism if you handled them 'wrong'...)

Picking a husband is picking a teammate for life. You simply need to pick someone who can carry his own weight.

Thanks, Sweeby. I think for him it seems while he's a hard worker, when it comes to unpleasant things in life he's rather lazy. He has these situations that need to be taken care of, but he won't put any effort to do anything about them.

Just like his house. His house is two floors, there are two bedrooms, the kitchen and living room upstairs. But he has a huge basement that he could turn into at least three bedrooms. One bedroom is already finished and there's a bathroom that's half way done. The rest of the downstairs is filled with clutter, just like you see on an episode of Clean House. He said it was just him and his son, so they just lived upstairs and any junk he had he just threw downstairs - out of sight out of mind kind of thing.

It didn't even occur to him the amount of living space he had downstairs if he just did something with it. Once we started talking about moving in together then he realized he had to start doing something about the downstairs if he was going to have the room he needed for three more people. He started clearing stuff out, but even that was causing agruments. He felt like I was trying to throw away his "stuff" and he was the one having to make all the changes and I wasn't. He didn't think about the fact that if he wanted to sell the house one day he would have to fix up the downstairs, or the fact that his son and him were occupying only one half of his house's living space. I think he's just lazy and not motivated when it comes to taking care of things.

Anyway- yesterday exBF calls me. He said he wanted to apologize to me. He said now he sees what I have been telling him about his son's behavior and he is sorry he didn't listen to me. He said that morning his mother was over and his son was telling her how to cook something. He told his son he's not an adult, his grandma has been cooking longer than he has and he should not be telling what to do. Then he said five minutes later his son was telling his grandma how to do something else. He said at that point he gave him a smack for not listening. He said he now realizes why I said moving in so quickly after getting his son would cause problems, because I would say things but he wouldn't see them and it would cause problems in our relationship. He said he just wanted to apologized to me, that he's been getting on his son more, punishing him and making him mind.

Part of me wants to scream NOW you see what I'm talking about!! Now you get your kid around other people and you see it wasn't just me.

Also, he said also not to worry about the tax issue, he is not going to leave me hanging. He said he has over $2k in receipts that should offset most of the taxes that will be owed.

I asked him "Don't you feel you're in a catch 22? You're afraid of getting a regular job because you're afraid the IRS will garnish your wages, but you can't get enough work under the table to pay your bills?" He said yes he thinks about that all the time and he wants to get this situation straightened out so he can work a regular job. But once again, he still hasn't done anything about the situation yet.

About the child support situation -Before I had told him since both BM and himself are in agreement on the situation it doesn't seem they would need to pay an attorney, he could write something up himself and submit it in court. He asked me how he would go about doing that and what the agreement would have to say. I suggested he go to a clerk of the court and ask them. He said thanks he would.

I'm tempted to help him write something up, but I won't. Maybe it sounds mean, but he didn't want to listen to me before, so now he has to do this on his own.

"I'm tempted to help him write something up, but I won't. Maybe it sounds mean, but he didn't want to listen to me before, so now he has to do this on his own."

It's tough love. Either he does it on his own and learns from the experience. Or he doesn't do it and you get validation that your decision was the right one.

Either way, not doing it for him is the right call.