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Free at last! (Update from My 18 year old SS is ruining my....)

Posted by stepup (My Page) on
Thu, Nov 11, 10 at 11:18

With my last post I was tired and ever so frustrated with a lot of fresh wounds from the pain my 18 year SS had caused our family. He was like a virtual tornado in our lives, causing devastation, at will, to my marriage of only one year to his father. SS has been out of the house (per his wishes, not ours) for two monthes now. We have no contact (also per his wishes) but I have been told that he was kicked out of his girlfriends house and now has his own apartment. There was a lot of misdirected anger and frustration at my DD and myself coming from my husband after his son left. A marital seperation was looming. But slowly he has started to see that we were not the bad guys. His son does not return his phones calls or his texts. How can that be blamed on me? My SS never told my husband he left because of me, but whenever my husband tried to contact him, to no avail, he would say it was my fault his son left. Hello transference! We have left the kid alone, completely alone. Since he moved out he has egged our house (neighbor witnessed him), and stolen the license plate off of my car in our driveway (not the legal one, a vanity plate off the front that my husband bought for me, my son-in-law saw him with it). I am hoping that eventually he will get tired of his childish pranks and just leave us alone. We could call the police but in my opinion that will give him the attention he is seeking. If it gets more aggressive than we certainly will have no choice but to report him. My husband is slowly coming back around to his old self. As long as SS name is not mentioned, all is good. We start family therapy in a few days (sans SS) and I think it will be good for all of us. My DD asks me if I will ever forgive my SS for all that he has done. It's a cycle with him, he is really charming and sweet, then turns and lies, steals, manipulates, etc. a few monthes later he charms his way back in. I told her I can't say never, but I can say he will never LIVE with us again. Maybe, down the road, he can join us for Holiday meals or something. His antics simply cannot be blamed on regular teen rebellion. It goes much deeper than that. I honestly wish I could say he is on drugs and that causes him to act the way he does. I know that sounds horrible but at least if that were the case he could go to rehab (with our full support) and come out a better person. But no, he is simply a sociopath that will say and do anything to get what he wants. His BM is the exact same way. My husband has let him get away with so much because he has so much guilt for not leaving her and allowing her to influence his son in such a negative way almost his entire life. Hopefully the therapy can help my husband with some of that. It's so hard watching my husband reach out to this kid over and over be ignored and rejected. SS will be back, he always is, but it always has to be on HIS terms. Usually when he needs something. I told my husband that no one ever taught my SS how to treat people. He cant walk all over his family and then be welcomed back in the door with open arms, no apologies, no responsibilty taken, like nothing ever happened. Where are the consequences? Where is the ownership, where is the lesson?....anyway.....he is gone, my husband is coming around and life is good. :)


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RE: Free at last! (Update from My 18 year old SS is ruining my...

Stepup:
The normal human tendency is to blame someone else for our misfortune. If it is not about the rain, then it is about the sun. I am sure I have been there before, perhaps you have too. Enlightment and the path to happiness are when we realize that we can only control what we have control and let go of what we don't.
Your SS is trying to set you up in triangulation between his father, you and him. The best is to avoid that situation. Just let your H deal with his own son in terms of discipline and such. But destruction of your property should not be tolerated and dealt w by the police.

I hope your SS will only be invited back for a thanksgiving meal or christmad but that is about it. He should not be welcomed back to live.


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