UPDATE: I want to thank jannie for her information because my mother got her stimulus money deposited a few days ago - yippie! We did have to go thru the whole 1099 request and mail forwarded from CA to FL and such and such. About three weeks ago, after urgent care & emergency room fiascos, I realized (during hours & hours of waiting rooms and lots of time to think about it) that I really needed to accept the fact that she is losing her cognitive abilities and that I needed to take charge and make it happen. So I dragged her down to Social Security and 4 hours later, she became a Florida resident. Then to DMV for a Florida ID, then online application for Medicaid and other Florida benefits. We're still a little stuck on the Medicaid and Medicare Part D issue, but it's in work. I found a county-paid free elder lawyer who drew up a Durable Power of Attorney, Living Will, and HIPAA documents so I could speak for my mother in such matters. This all came up because I stupidly decided not to accompany her inside the urgent care when she spoke to the doctor and I have no idea what my mom told her, but she left happy and with a prescription for antibiotics. I had to go to the front desk and ask for the diagnosis and copy of the records. The next day, after she discussed everything with her friends back in California, she decided that the Urgent Care doctor was a quack and she needed to go to the ER. (NOTE TO SELF: eat lunch BEFORE going to the ER, because you'll be there for hours.) This time I made sure to be there with her every minute. She came up with a completely different story that she told the ER doctor (at least it was different than the story she told me to get to the Urgent Care the day before, since I'm not exactly sure what she said), and didn't even mention that she was on antibiotics (maybe that would explain the lack of bacteria in the urine sample?) so I really had to run ramshod at the ER to make sure the doc had the right story. And I'm sure I came across as the uptight, annoyed, inconvenienced daughter while my sweet darling mom charms everyone in the hospital. Here's the kicker: She said that she had the same symptoms when she was in Virginia visiting friends early in the year. She went to an ER and then followed-up a few weeks later at a GYN. Then a couple of weeks ago I get the Medicare summary from that incident, and there's a bill for chest x-rays, influenza something....hmmm. How could that possibly be related to lower abdominal pain & frequent urination? A quick phone call to the hospital hinted to me that she came in with a cough and flu symptoms. Hmmm. Now I am contacting all of her past doctors & visits and trying to get copies of all her medical history. Very complicated, many various doctors & specialists. Even though she's in relatively good health and only takes two meds (high BP and thyroid). Anyway, it's the county Elder Helpline that's getting me through all this. They are wonderful and explain all the services and how to use them. The services give no explanation at all nor will they answer any questions - they just administer their programs and that's it. I've checked out all the books and links that were recommended above and did get a little bit of knowledge with each one. I am getting along better now (as in, no fights for a few weeks now) as I keep reminding myself that she is like a toddler and that little conniption she's having over a wet towel left on floor is just like a kiddie tantrum. I'm a bit concerned about how this is affecting my kids, but I plan to ask for a counseling recommendation when I see my doctor for my annual next month. I am still happy to read any more advice that anybody might have. My current dilemma is finding something for my mom to do, maybe once or twice a week. Adult day care (doesn't seem to exist in my county) or Silver Sneakers or SOMETHING where she can interact with others. Only problem is that she doesn't think she's old so she doesn't want to hang out with old people. Ugh. Thanks for all the help, everyone, and hope you are all doing well in your personal situation. Lisa

My problem is not about marriage! Mine is about my eldest, who loves to degrade me, talk about me to her friends, get them to believe she knows me SO WELL, that whatever she says about me is absolutely the truth! She will tell me, she is JUST TRYING TO HELP ME,that I have problems, that no one knows about but her, then she blasted me on an internet page, (not in private) but so E1 could read it, about something I did 2 mos ago and saying the current incident is THE SAME thing but that she stood up for me anyway, when another family member I now live with said I lied,(which I didn't). Anyway,twice, she had asked me to live with her, to help me financially, after becoming disabled and was struggling but both times, it was a disaster, and of course,(I got the blame) even though I stay to myself, respect others in the home,tried not to get work dumped on me. But both times I got accused of not doing ANY of that! And of course,also, SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT! If I would have my own opinion on ANYTHING...she would correct me, telling me and others how WRONG I am! We have mutual friends and I think she is also jealous of that! One of my other daughters has told her to stay away from her and her family, that she was no longer welcome in their home because she related her husband to someone else, that he is totally not like at all. A mutual friend on an internet site, doesn't talk to her anymore, and I recently asked her why that was, and she said she HONESTLY didn't know, she just quit talking to her? I just read the post on: "TOXIC Relationships"! And believe me, most of it has been going on for about 3 plus yrs. between us. I have stopped talking to her in the past, due to this behavior toward me but if she approached me and apologized,(which isn't often but she will do it, if there's a benefit in it somewhere)...or so it seems?...I have given her the benefit of the doubt and we have started hanging out again! It's funny how the very things she accuses me of, she does herself but somehow, the WAY she does it, is still better than me! I just moved out the last time at the end of Feb 11 and moved in with another fam. member because I had no where to go. She didn't ask me to move out but it wasn't pleasant, so decided it was best for me! (all involved)!I think she's jealous as I said about a mutual friend because I had asked her to go places with me without my daughter and so? Her and I get along! my daughter has told me to SHUT UP in public and embarrased me, and our friend said "respect her, that's your Mom". And she'd say, "I'm just playing"! For some reason she had gotten into this bad habit of saying this and even has said it to her husband making him mad too! However, she has gotten over that mostly! Her and her husband had their own problems and needed help, that's ok but now that they are, she advises others, as though she's all fixed and can/should tell others their problems and "learn from this" is what she likes to say now! I have made my mistakes ,I'm human but when I did said I wouldn't do it again and didn't but this last thing she decided to advise me on was similiar but not exactly the same thing happened but she isn't SAYING it but doesn't believe me about it! And when I told her she was wrong about it and me, she just kept going on and on about it and I asked her to quit, that I can kick my own butt all by myself. That I already felt bad about the situation and her rubbing it in wasn't helping!BUT she just kept on, so I said what I had to say and decided it was best to not talk to her and had to delete her off my internet page so I don't get her messages! It's too tempting for me to reply and I just don't need her "helpful" advise or hurtful words! I have felt like crap over all this happening! This is my eldest daughter! I've asked her to respect me, even if she didn't like things I DO! I don't go out of my way to say hurtful things to her! But even in common talk, she will begin YELLING..just to say something like she's anticipating a neg. reply before I speak, so I am already on the defense myself and YELL back! It is utterly ridiculous! ANd I have never liked it! But I can't get her to see her part in it! Even her best friend said,I dont argue with her, cause she has always GOT TO BE RIGHT! And her room mate that lives with them asked me a couple of times,"Why do you argue with her, just ignore her, smile and say BLESS YOUR HEART"!(but she either tells her off or kisses her rear end) and my daug. makes extra money off her for staying there? Well back then, I didn't realize the arguing is what she wanted to prove her point as to why she is always right! But if you tell her that, she will say "No she doesn't need to be"! SO, once again, I am having to just stay away from her,& not talk to her! It feels awful! But if I say look Im done, I can't take this anymore, you won't quit, she will say, "why do you treat me so mean"? "I do everything for everyone and this is how I get treated by everybody"! Gee, I don't know..hmmm!So here I am, on the net, looking up this problem to see, if I am wrong! But from what I've read, it is on her! Her own LOW SELF-ESTEEM, and she needs to do this! OMG, this is heart-breaking to me! She had me convinced for so long, that I was just a terrible Mother and making all these mistakes. Not when she was young, she had the utmost RESPECT for me! But as an adult, she has turned against me! And I honetly don't know why! She once said, she just didnt trust ANYONE anymore after her 2nd husband molested her kids!(13 yrs.ago and lots of counciling). That is where she lost trust! I can understand that but why me? I didn't do those things! Sorry this is so long but it DOES help to get it out! Without burdening my friends and family of hearing it ALL AGAIN! AND she doesn't WANT anyone TO THINK ANY OF IT IS HER FAULT! Never, ever,NEVER!!!! SO, I guess I do just have to stay completely away!?? That is so sad!She can seem so very caring and giving but I tell you, it will benefit her in the end! I did the best I could with what I knew raising my children, I have 4. 3 girls and one son! And the others don't treat me like this! And I'm not sure she treats them anywhere near how she does me! I don't hear all their conversations! Other than the other oldest(my 2nd) telling her to stay away since Thanksgivng I think? Or just around Christmas! By the way, she is 42, not a child! Anyway, thank you for letting me vent! Don't know if anyone has any comments or has had this kind of problem but it would be nice to hear whatever will help!? Thanks... CS

Prior to DH and I getting married I had a wonderful relationshipp with my 10 year old SD. Her father is the custodial parent of her and three other children and has been since she was four years old - she has had an on again off again relationship with her mom since she left. I think that DSD was just as excited about our marriage as we were. We got married on December 15 and by Christmas she had declared an all out war against me trying to make sure that I understood her place in her dad's life. She did not like me sitting by him, kissing him (something she had seen plenty of times prior to our marriage) or being near him in any way. Everything was a struggle from who got to sit by him in the truck and at the dinnertable to her point blank asking him whom he loved the most. (He very diplomatically told her he loved us both the same amount for different reasons - NOT the answer she was looking for) We left for our honeymoon on December 26th and went to Disneyland taking all four of the kids with us and every single day and activity was a batttle for her dads attention. Sometimes I stepped back and let her have her time and others (like the time she insisted that he hold both of her hands, instead of one of each) I did not. She is a loving, sweet little girl that I love with all of my heart and I tried to place myself in her position and never battle back - just talk and explain and listen ans sometimes say "I'm sorry but this is the way that it is and this is the reason why." After just a couple of weeks she understood that I wasn't trying to take her place and she loved me again. Six weeks after getting married DH and I got a huge surprise and found out we were pregnant (while on the pill) We were thrilled, DSD was devastated and hysterical and again we just sat back and listened and explained and loved her and let her vent and sometimes rant and rave, and sometimes when she got out of hand we had to send her to her room to give her and us a moment to calm down and regroup. We knew we had to give her time and patience and understanding. Her dad never let her disrespect me in any way, and beleive me there were times I think she wanted me to go away and never come back, but she never said as much. It took her 4 months to accept the pregnancy and another month to admit she was happy - I am due November 7th and the first time she said anything about being excited about the baby was the fourth of July. I know for me sometimes it was hard not to get angry, and start telling her how she needed to be acting differently because of this and this and this, but then I would just remind myself how traumatizing all of these changes had to be for a child and would just sit back and bite my lips until the impulse passed. We now have the loving relationship (and friendship) that we had before and i am greatful everyday that I found the patience I needed to sit back and let her adjust. Hugs - Candy

Diane, You mentioned more than once that you wish the older daughter that has you so unhappy, would be consistent toward you. If she were consistent with you, you would be better able to cope with her. You would have a better idea about what to think of her and how to respond, etc. Is this a good summation? This girl's behavier could be simply normal. Please don't attack me--let me explain why I think that. (I don't like the word normal--when referring to people--but I don't know a better word without going into some long monologue.) One day a kid will enjoy silly games, and the next day sees silly games as babyish. One day a girl will want a cell phone and the next day rant for a popsicle. I've noticed this kind of thing with girls much more than with boys. Maybe you have some very good examples. Maybe this girl has passed this stage. You described a girl that knows how to be sweet to you when you are doing something that she likes, but will show serious disrespect at other times. The bad part, on your part, is that you are responding with feelings that show you take her behavier personal. I can hear you saying, 'of course!'. I don't want to say that you are not partly responsible for the way the girl thinks of you and it would be accurate to take some behaviers personal, but I'll bet there is much more to her behavier than what you are responsible for. If you want to respond better, then you need to understand her better and how the two of you are relating to each other (counseling). Just because you go out to work and provide for the family, shop, do laundry, etc., etc., etc., children do not think of you as you think of yourself. You have to get this. Same with you and your husband. Just because you think you are good at communicating (or whatever) doesn't mean that is what he thinks of you. Your identity seems to be wrapped up in how people treat you. When that goes on, then you end up feeling like a yo-yo. You feel good if people treat you good and feel lousy if people don't respond to you the way you think they should. The person that needs to be consistent is you. Please understand that you control your behavier and what you think. Let me explain a little more. Here is a common story. A guy worked very hard at keeping his property well taken care of, his home was always kept repaired, he did a great many chores around the home--probably outworked every guy on the street. He was gone for 10/12 hours a day with his job, took care of the cooking a couple times a week, spent time studying the markets and invested his money wisely, took care of the budget, went to kid's football gamesto watch his kids in the marching band, payed for his kids to have music lessons for years and years, and all that you might think his family would appreciate, and hardly ever did anything that was relaxing--except have a few beers once in a while. His family liked him, or at least he thought they did, and everyone seemed to like their life. All seemed fine. One day this hard working, great guy gets an envelope delivered to him--one Saturday. Beautiful day! Guess what he was being served--yup! His sweet wife that he had been pampering and running his butt off for since day one was having him served with papers. Why? She didn't get enough attention and she found the kind she wanted some place else. Something called mental cruelty. No joke--he didn't think that his life being screwed with was anything he ever deserved. He didn't know that he didn't know his wife; he didn't know that he didn't know his kids. He didn't know that he was just making himself happy. Whatever. He didn't know he was self-absorbed. He just thought that he was doing all the things a good husband, provider, and father should do. So while he felt pretty good about himself--his family were strangers to him. Should you feel sorry for this guy or for his family? I'm only trying to make the point that the way you see yourself may not be the way you are perceived by another person. Maybe everyone else treats you ok, but this one person does not--and the rejection or whatever you want to call it, is causing you too much pain. I strongly advise you to get counseling. You may be headed for some depression or some other kind of stress that will end up taking a toll on your health, your life, your job or something. If you can't get your family into counseling--then go just by yourself. You need the kind of relief that does not come by a good nite sleep, or a vacation, or by reading a good book on what goes on in the mind, etc. The kind of help you need will take time. No doubt in my mind that you will enjoy your experience and become a much happier, better person.