Should i feel like i do about my partners children

10 years ago

When I was 19 I met my partner within a work place, and we got together under very complicated conditions. He had split with his pregnant girlfriend to be with me. I did feel awful for his ex-partner because I wouldn't want to be a part of that normally but I felt very strongly about my partner.

He is 6 years older than me and has a daughter of which now is 13. At first I got on brill with her, I did all sorts with her, and because of the age gap not being very large between us as pathetic that is, we had a lot of things in common.

The his other child was born and ended up gaining full custody of her due to her mums neglect. I was them put under pressure to either leave the year long relationship there and then or accept his newborn baby. He expected me to take all the roles as a mum, work, and also carry on with university at age of 19/20.

My family told me not to take this much pressure on however I did, and at first it was fine while she was a baby and it wasn't until she got to about 2 years of age, ive got to the point where I am sick of major responsibility that I have got, he expects me to care for her all the time, pay for everything and I get no time to myself or any social time and he spends 2 hours a day when he finishes work with her and then just on a Saturday when I work 6 hours and he goes fishing and other hobbies sunday.

Now she is 3, and I feel awful saying this but I feel like I cannot stand to be around her at the moment, I love her to bits, but I just don't want to do it but i don't want to loose my partner. When concering his older daughter i cant even stand her name being mentioned, she is ungreatful all the time for anything i do for you, she takes things for granted and causes trouble at our house when she comes. He also expects me to change any plans i have if she decides to come over and im sick of the amount of respect she has for herself, i disagree with her being sexually active and having abusive language on social networking sites at the age of 13. And he disagrees with me.

I am now 22 and i am expecting my first born, and the feelings towards both of his children have grown even larger. He has not come to one scan, appointment or anything to do with the pregnancy. He hates me spending money buying the baby things, he don't want to know, but its always when his other kids were born or when theirs mums were giving birth. I feel that this baby is nothing compared to his other children and i don't know whether that is the reason why i resent his children more now.

I don't want to feel like this and hope i can find a solution to this. He this i am leaving his 3 year old out but i just want to be able my first pregnancy and my first baby.

Am i in the wrong for wanting that?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (7)

mkroopy
10 years ago
"He had split with his pregnant girlfriend to be with me"

OK, when I read this I knew it was headed towards a train-wreck...lovely way to start a relationship.

"He expected me to take all the roles as a mum, work, and also carry on with university at age of 19/20. "

He is wrong to expect this but more importantly you were a complete fool to agree to do it.

"I am now 22 and i am expecting my first born..."

Well I was about to tell you "get out before it's too late...but apparently it is. I still think you'd be better off...your "man" is an abusive jerk who is taking advantage of you and has for years...and for the record, I am not a man-hating woman or anything...I am a man in my 40's who is embarrassed that so many men take this approach (i.e. try to get their GFs to take care of their kids while they do what they want to do)

Run away...as far as you legally can...from this guy (remember, it is his child, he does have legal rights to it, if he wants). It might be hard in the beginning but in the long run you will probably be better off.

Sorry to come off so blunt....maybe if people had over the last few years you would not be in this position....good luck.
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
No, you're not wrong, & he's playing an ugly & vicious game with you & has been doing so *since you were 19 years old & he had a pregnant girlfriend*.

Get out of that poisonous atmosphere & bring up your baby in a healthy environment.

I wish you the very best.
Related Discussions
I Feel Like I'm Losing My Grandchildren
Q
Comments (9)
My kids used to spend lots and lots of time with my mother. She was, and still is, very active, has a pool in her back yard, etc. Like you, she spends way too much money on them. She still has lots of energy, she's the same person she was, but my kids don't spend nearly as much time with her now. As stargazzer says, they want to spend time with their friends. They rarely ever spend the night anymore, even though they used to practically live over there in the summers. I don't know what your budget is, how comfortable you are with technology, etc. One suggestion I have, if it fits your budget, is to get some kind of computer gaming station or something like that that your grandchildren will enjoy at your house (especially something they don't already have at their own house). You might look at something like a Wii(sp?), Dance Dance Revolution, etc. You might have enough energy to sit on the sofa and play those types of games with them - not dance dance revolution but some of the other games. Your 11 year old granddaughter should be able to set it up for you. The nice thing about gaming systems is that they don't make a mess, the kids love them, you don't have to always be running around after them. When my kids were as young as your grandchildren I limited their time on gaming systems, etc. But if you were my mom, I would surely make an exception so that you could still enjoy time with my kids. There are lots of things your son or daughter could do to help with this issue. Your son or daughter could once a month rent a really fun movie for them to watch, do something with them outdoors all day like swimming (so they are tired), and bring the kids and the movie to your house for a movie night. You could order takeout pizza, snuggle up and see a movie while your son/daughter has a night out with their spouse. The other thing you might do that makes things more manageable would be to have them over one at a time, not all at once. Here's my last suggestion, and again, you'd need your son/daughter's help. My mom lives in our subdivision, and I tried to teach my kids that it's their responsibility to help look after their grandmother. It's good for kids to be needed and contribute to the family. So if you were my mom, I would expect the older girls to come help you on a regular basis. The 10 and 11 year old could help you grocery shop, and their treat for helping might be to pick out some special food treat and have it at your house. My kids used to love to help me grocery shop, in fact they still do. They are old enough to "help" you by cooking simple meals for you. Sometimes when kids "help", it's way too much work for the adult. But if your son/daughter comes over at first and teaches them what to do, then your granddaughters will be terrific help. My mom always has something fun for my kids when they come help her - she bakes them brownies or something like that. Talk to your son/daughter and find some special treat you can get for your grandchildren that's unique to your house. If you are like my mom, you probably don't want to "put the kids out" by asking for help. But keep in mind that in the long run you are showing the kids how to be part of a close, loving family in good times and bad, and your grandkids will feel better about themselves in the long run. It's so much better for teenagers and young adults if they have a good relationship with loving grandparents. They need someone else to talk to when their mean old parents don't like their boyfriend, or is mad about their grades, or won't let them pierce their eyebrows or get a motorcycle. So don't feel that you are imposing by getting help from your granddaughters. My mother misses my kids terribly.
...See More
Lost my partner now what do I do?
Q
Comments (4)
I'm so sorry about your loss. If you can find a grief counselor, you minister or a friend who can direct you right now I think it may be a good idea...not that I think you are ready to totally deal with your grief, but to help you get some semblence of order into your life. You NEED to get that Social Security started. Don't worry about touching his stuff, that can all wait. I'm sorry about giving the car away, and don't know your family dynamica, but doubt you can get it back. If you have life insurance you can collect on your husband you need to get that going also. Now the next thing I found from watching a friend go through the loss of a child is to remember that everyone grieves in their own way, so don't compare yourself to ANYONE ELSE. Don't hurry this, and don't worry if you are "not grieving correctly' (As you may find people telling you at some time, they are wrong, not you). Right now you need to take one day at a time, and within that one day, you will find that there are times you are taking one minute at a time. People will tell you it will get easier, and it will, the pain lessens. The love you had for your husband doesn't lessen! Don't worry about that. The guilt will lessen and go away (you can What if yourself to a nervous breakdown, but it wasn't your fault you didn't know!!) Come here often, there are so many wonderful people who can help you...Lulie-Wayne is the first one that comes to mind (and I know there are others, I apologize for not naming you as I've seen how special all of you are, I will lose this message if I go back to find other names). They have been where you are and can help in so many ways. Use they're shoulders to cry on, knowlegde they had to gain to help you, and their ears to just listen. Vickey-MN
...See More
I feel like I should be busier...
Q
Comments (9)
I wish I had more time to dream up my kitchen, but you know, I probably would have exploded our kitchen budget. In my case I only had time to go to the Big Blue store and the Big Orange store- so I wasnt faced with tons of possibilities that potentially would have paralyzed me. And I got sticker shock, overcame it and ordered. Even now I am wishing I had gotten up the guts to price out glass doors, and nicer door styles. I think my kitchen is pretty good to go! I have 2 antique stained glass lantern lights for the kitchen, plus 4 pot lights installed. We are using the historic heart pine flooring that was original to the house, and I plan to purchase crystal replica knobs for the cabinets. We dont have a backsplash in our budget. We dont have granite in our budget either...but after thinking of getting formica for a bit until we had the money to upgrade, I decided I never would get around to it- so I want it done now. Thats going to be our budget buster. But I see your point on the appliances. I will get those purchased in the next 2 weeks....I think. New question- when the appliances are delivered...our renovation house is 10 min away from our current house. All day long it is a parade of laborers. Should I be worried about appliances sitting in the house waiting to be installed? I would think they will be ok b/c they are so big...but maybe they will get taken. Oh dear- this is going to be a timing issue. Coordinating the delivery with the delivery of the cabinets.
...See More
I need help with my bf's child. Well really what do I do?
Q
Comments (8)
Thanks everyone for your support. I know I need to leave but I suppose I've always been a sucker to help people. Amber - Thank you for your words. You are right, the only person I can save is myself. I suppose the battle is really working up the courage to say enough is enough. I struggle because I hate hurting people or feeling like I am letting them down but in the same regard I suppose by me doing things for my partner, he will never do anything to help himself or his son. Colleenoz - thank you for your kind words. I never thought about it like the way you put it. Seeing that he could turn like that if something bad happened to me is some what alarming. Because when I think of the answer to something happening to me and would he be there, I can't answer that. And if I can't answer that, then there is a real big problem. LaVerne - Thank you for your comment. Do I want to change? Yes i really do, so I guess I know what I have to do. Reading Lady - Sadly this situation is real, it would be nice if I was making it up but unfortunately I am not. I know everyone on his mother's side has bi-polar and basically have lived their lives in and out of either jails or foster homes. Sometimes I think the cycle can be broken but in the same regards, it's not my responsibility to have hero complex (i.e. trying to save everyone). Let me just say this, I know that none of you know me from a bar of soap, which in turn makes you more truthful. I appreciate your honesty and i thank you for your wisdom. I know everyone goes through hard stages in life, but you are right. If I am not happy with the situation, then only I can change it. I think it's time for me to worry about myself and get back what I want. If I succeed (and I truly hope I do) than please know every little word by each of you contributed to giving me strength. You all really have no idea how much you have put my mind, heart and bank balance at rest.
...See More
mary_md7
10 years ago
The problem is how you feel about your partner, not his children.

His children are just children who need a caring and responsible adult. He, on the other hand, is a selfish user.
readinglady
10 years ago
Isn't the word partner a misnomer? If you pay for everything and take care of the children (and work and go to school) in what way is he a partner?

I am very sorry because now there's a three-year-old who has known no other mother than you and a thirteen-year-old desperately in need of mature adult guidance.

And mature adults seem to be in short supply. You are young and stressed and nearly burnt-out and now there's a baby on the way. It's time to focus on yourself, building a better life than the one you are living now.

Hard as it is and sad as it is, I don't see any good coming from this relationship. Even though you're pregnant and it's scary, I think you'd be better off as a single mother.

Ironically, since you've been carrying such a heavy load on your own for all this time, you may well find life is easier without this man.
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
'since you've been carrying such a heavy load on your own for all this time, you may well find life is easier without this man.'

Bingo!

Many years ago, I went through a break-up & found that my life was indeed better & easier:
although I was young & had to stretch every dollar, the stress level dropped tremendously, my time was my own (not someone else's), & I enjoyed doing things that I couldn't have done before-
not even dating or going to clubs, just simple things like taking a ceramics class.
colleenoz
10 years ago
Dear God in heaven, being stressed out with caring for one little one full time why the hell did you get pregnant with another one?
Honestly, sorry to be so blunt but really, what made you think this was going to have a happy ending?
Like mkroopy, as soon as I read "he left his pregnant girlfriend for me" I could see a train wreck in your future. Here it comes.
Your best bet at this point is to get off the train, go home to your family and get as much of your life back as you can while being a single parent to your about to be born new baby. Finish your studies to give yourself a better crack at a well paying job, which you'll need as a single mum, since it's unlikely your baby's father will be giving you much hands-on assistance with raising your baby, given his track record.
Good luck: you're going to need it.
suzieque
10 years ago
I totally agree with colleenoz. What in the world did you get involved in this for? Cut your losses and get outa there. I feel bad for the little girl, for the guy's former girlfriend, and for your unborn baby. I don't feel that bad for you and certainly not for him.

I don't know if you're still reading here or not. Perhaps you're a drive-by. But - hopefully you're spending your time moving on.

Should i feel like i do about my partners children

Comments (7)

mkroopy

sylviatexas1

Related Discussions

mary_md7

readinglady

sylviatexas1

colleenoz

suzieque

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US