contact the ex's ex??

14 years ago

SD has had a few Sunday day visits with her mom, and mom is pushing for overnights. SD is resisting. The counselor said we should work toward SD being comfortable with them again, but not to push them on her. A conversation between SD and BM occurred last Thursday that did not go well - SD basically called her mom out on the last ten years of putting her men first, and BM got angry and combative.

*Funny side note - she said 'everyone else' had forgiven her for her past actions, so SD should too. In fact, SD should have been the first to forgive BM for having her live with a felon who ultimately cost BM custody and for parading a steam of men through their life together who always were BM's first priority. WHAT?*

Anyway, SD did not go Sunday, and at this point is not planning to go this Sunday. However, she really misses her little sister. She's asked if we could contact BM's ex to see if we could all meet him somewhere on a weekend he has lil' sis so SD can see her. She even said she misses the ex - that he was a jerk sometimes but she realizes her mom was most of the problem.

We had a cordial relationship with him, but it was obviously strained because of BM. I can see this getting really ugly when BM finds out, but it is a free word. DH and the ex do have a lot in common now and there is no reason they can't be 'friends.'

Way out of line?? Asking for trouble?

Comments (11)

imamommy
14 years ago
lol... it can't be any worse than me talking to BM's BF's exW... but it would get ugly!

Is it possible SD just wants to do something to piss off BM... kinda like getting back at her by doing something she knows mom will get angry over? That was my first thought.

The bottom line is.. it is a free country and BM brought this guy into her child's life and if her child wants to maintain a relationship/friendship with him... especially since he is the father of her sibling, I see no reason why she can't do that. If it's truly what she wants.. then it's worth defending. How can BM bring guys into her kids' life and expect that because things didn't work out and she doesn't like him anymore, that her child needs to dislike him too.

It's only asking for trouble if you do it for the wrong reasons...
yabber
14 years ago
Tough one..

First off I get the feeling it is wrong, but when you think about it, it becomes complicated. I'm trying to picture my SD suggesting to catch up with ex-fiancee to see her little siblings. It would set BM off, big time, and I can understand that. But BM has really made a rod for her own back here, and for SD to have contact with her little sibling is important.

This is probably a silly suggestion, but would it be possible to inform BM about SD's wishes, and see if maybe she would accept it? I probably wouldn't go behind her back, it doesn't feel right.
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justnotmartha
Original Author
14 years ago
Oh I can tell you she would flip out. BM emailed SD last night after I posted this and tried to make her feel badly for taking a stand in their relationship. It was PATHETIC. SD turned it back on her pretty well, and mentioned something about the ex and how hard things must be for him. The first line of BM's response this morning? "'Ex' is not the loving person you make him out to be." Funny - he sure was when she was trying to force a relationship with him down SD's throat. I just love how the first thing she responds to is a chance to bash him.

I think the right thing to do is to likely ask BM about it, but we won't, simply because it's really not up to her and I don't want her thinking she calls our shots. She doesn't give a damn about how SD feels or what she wants if it doesn't fall in line with what she wants or feels, and the implication that SD is choosing time with the ex over BM would send BM screaming, running wildly down the middle of the street rather than considering what she's done to make her daughter feel this way.

On second thought, it is garbage day . . . . :-)
lovehadley
14 years ago
"It's only asking for trouble if you do it for the wrong reasons..."

I tend to agree with Ima's line of thinking.

SD has a right to maintain a relationship with her little sister and if she truly is uncomfortable with her mom at this time, and seeing little sis via ex-stepdad is the only way to do so.....I think it's okay.

How old is SD again? At some point, her mom is not going to be able to control who she has a relationship with. Like previously pointed out, BM brought this guy into SD's life in the first place!
sweeby
14 years ago
Like Yabber says, a tough one...

While SD's motives may be simple (see little sis), they may also include an element of passive aggressive -- and why wouldn't they? She's a young teen who has been shelved by BioMom at every convenience. Of course she's angry and resentful, and seeing sis without BM sends a pretty powerful message about SD's priorities.

And 'causing trouble' can be interpreted in two ways: 1-Deliberately intending to cause trouble, or 2- Actions which resulted in trouble. You know that if SD sees little sis with Ex-StepDad instead of with BioMom, that there will be trouble. Little sis will talk, unless sworn to secrecy, which would also be wrong. So using that definition -- Yes, it will cause trouble. And of course, BM certainly won't interpret SD's motives innocently... And remember who the scapegoat is for all problems -- it's you StepMom ;-)

Has BM ever gone to SD's counselor with SD? Because it seems that SD is pretty clear on what she wants to say, but that BM is pretty deliberately dense about hearing it. (And that BM's own counselor encourages BM's repeated self-forgiveness over improved behavior.)

Bottom line -- IMO, it'll start WWIII.
mom2emall
14 years ago
I would think it is possible that this could cause problems for ex seeing his child. Bm may start withholding visitation from him out of spite when she finds out!

I know that when my mom and stepdad split right before I began high school I still kept in contact with him. As soon as I got my drivers license I began making the hour drive to visit him and his family. I would even spend some holidays with them. I know it drove my mom crazy when I would choose to spend a holiday with them. But I always thought of my stepdad similarly to my own dad. To this day I am still close with him and his family.

So I don't think it would be unheard of for sd to still have a relationship with this man and his family. And I totally understand her missing her sibling.

But this is a slippery slope and could end up in a war!
mom2emall
14 years ago
And I have to add in my two cents about forgiveness! BM is ridiculous to demand that dd forgives her when she can't even admit what she did was wrong!! I love how some people do horrible things for years and then one day decide they have changed and everyone should forgive them!

My sister's ex is a drug addict. During his recovery period he always used to say that he was not responsible for what he had done under the influence of drugs! And that drove me insane because my thought was well you chose to put yourself under the influence of drugs.....

**I know some people will disagree with that statement....but I have so many relatives who have battled alcohol and drug addictions and that is just the way I feel...**
lovehadley
14 years ago
"BM is ridiculous to demand that dd forgives her when she can't even admit what she did was wrong!! I love how some people do horrible things for years and then one day decide they have changed and everyone should forgive them!"

Yep, this whole issue reminded me of my SS's BM. She pretty much said the same thing to DH regarding me at the soccer game, and us having the two families separate. She literally said to him "the past is the past and LH needs to get over it, I am not that person anymore." That makes my blood boil on so many levels.

SD's BM is the same way. She's insisting that she's changed---but like mom2emall said, if she cannot even RECOGNIZE her past errors, then how can she possibly have changed? And if she HAD changed, she would understand and RESPECT the way her DD feels at this point in time; and she would understand that saying it is one thing, but SHOWING you've changed is quite another!
finedreams
14 years ago
My X had a long term (10 years) GF and has a son with her that he shares custody. he is currently married to someone else. DD maintains some communication with dad's X, she knew her for 10 years! X of course doesn't object to that, plus DD is grown. there is no issue for her to see her brother because she sees him at her dads primarilly.

i think it is fine for SD to go see her sister when she is with mom's ex if you take her there. I wouldn't suggest she goes there alone. or could she do it with grandma?
sweeby
14 years ago
Yeah, but FD -- You're seeing it as a sane, mature and rational adult, not as the somewhat irrational and considerably less mature person JNM's SD's BM is...

How's that for stacking acronyms ;-)
justnotmartha
Original Author
14 years ago
nicely stacked, Sweeby. :-)

Lil' sis is only 2.5 years old, so no real secret keeping there. Gramdma is a)looney and b)out of town, so she isn't an option. It's either deal with mom or deal with ex step dad. We suggested to SD that we all meet at a pizza place or something for a few hours so she can see sis w/o the one on one contact with mom. SD hasn't really decided what she wants to do - she just really wants to see her sis this weekend. We told her we would support whatever she felt best with, and would do our best to make it possible.

*Funny side note #2 - in SD's email back to her mom she really laid it out - told BM many things that should really have caused her to stop of think, if not crumble to pieces when she read how her daughter felt about her past actions and future potential. I said her first line was about her ex, right? Turns out the ENTIRE email was about him, and how SD shouldn't think he is a good guy because he has 'mental issues' and that's why BM "saved" SD and lil' sis from him. WTH? It's amazing that there is ALWAYS someone else to blame and someone else with issues (this is what she screamed at SD that she had the other night on the phone) and nothing is ever of her doing. my comment to SD was "Let this serve as a lesson that moving in with, marrying and making a child with a person you have known less than a year is not a good idea. Perhaps with more time to get to know the ex she could have learned about his 'mental issues'"

Or perhaps BM is the common denominator with all these people and their issues??

contact the ex's ex??

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