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refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Posted by thurman (My Page) on
Sun, Nov 25, 07 at 0:03

Hi folks~

A few weeks ago, my 27 year old stepdaughter was having some trouble on her job. She told her mother she was seriously contemplating quitting (she lives in a different state) and coming home to live with us. Given how long it would take her to get on her feet, find a place, etc., we're looking at six months minimum but more like 12 months or more. After a few days, however, things picked up a bit on her job and she is feeling better about it. Crisis averted, for now.

But it got me to thinking. If she did want to come home, could I refuse? How hard can a stepparent push on this?

I struggle, and our marriage really suffers, when my s/d is here for a 1 or 2 week visit. If she came home to live for months, I don't think I could survive it, and neither could our marriage.

But my wife is so devoted to her daughter that she cannot accept that. My s/d has a wonderful bio-Dad who would love to have her...but my wife would not have that either.

I feel like I was a good stepparent for 15 years, while my wife had near 100% custody except for a week or two here and there. when my s/d left for college and now for her job, it really changed my life. No more competition, jealousy, disrespect, meanness, fighting with my wife, etc. I'm healthier, our marriage is better, and so on. To put it bluntly, when my s/d is gone, I feel like a Dad and a wife (we have a teenage son, our own bio-child). It feels like the "family" I've always wanted. It has been a great 8 years. In my heart, I know I cannot go back.

Has anyone out there ever been able to convince their partner not to allow their adult child to live at home? Or is that relationship suicide?

Just worried that I may be faced with this...


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

In my humble opinion if a child is both of yours, then it is OK to have her at home. My parents would never object to me temporarilly leaving with them, in fact they would like it- their attitude is the more the merrier, they offered many times for me to stay with them while saving for my own house. But when a child is just one of yours I think i understand how you feel.

She is 27, not 17. 12 months is a long time. It would put a strain on your relationship. If i would be you, I would not like it. But what can you do? Can you say "no"? I doubt it.

It also depends what kind of person your SD is, is she easy to be around?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

You and your wife need to have a discussion on how you feel it would affect your relationship & lives if she moved back. You could discuss alternatives and have a plan in place if she calls again.

I don't necessarily agree that it makes a difference whether the child is both of yours or just one. It depends on the child and some children would be welcomed home and some would be dreaded... but if you know from your history that her visits put stress and strain on your marriage, it needs to be discussed with your wife now, not later when she's wanting an answer. If you and your wife could agree on some rules and expectations, put them in writing and when the time comes (if it does), give them to SD before she moves in. Your wife needs to know how you feel, not just an ultimatum or silence followed by resentment.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

somebody of age 27 has to be able to rent a small apartment and get some kind of job while looking for something better. plus i don't understand how people quit jobs before they have something else in plan. you keep your job while looking for a new one. but if mommy is offering free accommodations, then why not? pretty convenient.

My SO's daughter periodically issues similar threats of moving back home with dad and going to school or getting a new job, he gets a little more scared every time. hahah

I do think that it makes a huge difference when it is a stepchild not your child. It is not all the same. Especially talking about adult children. the whole dynamic is different in the family. I know it would be very different if my grown daughter decides to move in with her dad and his wife or she moves back in with me. No matter how nice stepparents are, they still aren't your parents. And if children weren't raised by you since they were very young, then it is even more different.


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Excuse me?

"To put it bluntly, when my s/d is gone, I feel like a Dad and a wife (we have a teenage son, our own bio-child)."

You feel like a Dad and a wife Thurman? Don't you mean a Dad and a husband, or a Mother and a wife?

And why in the world if she is fighting with her mom, ie your wife, would you want to invite that disruption into your home for such an extended period of time? I would think that a little stint at Dad's house would be in everyone's best interest at this time.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

So if your parents are no longer together, and you have some kind of crisis in your life that would make it essential, or even easier, to temporarily move back in with one of your parents, you are up a creek? How is that fair to the adult child? The divorce and remarriage is certainly not her/his fault.

On my street alone, my neighbor's daughter, husband, and child moved back in for 3 months while they were working on their house. Then her other daughter, who is, I think, in her late thirties, moved back in, and that was many months ago. My neighbors up the street added a second story to their house for their daughter and kids to move into. That's what parents do if they love their children, although not everyone can afford to add an addition, of course.

I would be happy to have any of my adult kids, along with any spouses and children, move back in. I loved having them home for a year or so after college. I didn't make up any "rules" that they had to follow - though I asked them to let me know if they weren't going to be home so I wouldn't worry about them. But they worry about me, too, if I don't get home when they expect me to.


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Did anyone say that?

The daughter apparently picks fights with her own mother, and she has a dad who would love to have her at his place. Isn't he also a parent?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

"No more competition, jealousy, disrespect, meanness, fighting with my wife, etc. I'm healthier, our marriage is better, and so on."

You dodged the bullet this time, and now is your opportunity to discuss the situation with your wife. Since you say that your wife cannot accept NOT having her daughter move back if she wanted to, there has to be understanding and compromise. It might take a few counseling sessions to make this clear to everyone.

She has to hold her daughter accountable for her behavior towards you, and you have to be willing to give it a shot if the behavior is addressed and expectations are upheld. If those things cannot be worked out, then she needs to find other arrangements. Perhaps she can move in with TOS.
If the issues can be worked out, I see zero reason why there can't be a time limit -- 90 days should be more than enough time for a 27 year old to find a job and an apartment.

Not exactly the same situation, but my adult sister and daughter moved back in with my mom once. I think my sister was around 40. My sister is very moody, and her daughter was spoiled. They are also extremely messy. They TRASHED my mom's house, and were not very nice to her. My mom was so unhappy and stressed, but could not deal with the confrontation, so my other sister and I sat messy/moody sister down and told her they had to start treating mom and her house with respect, or get out. Just because someone is your parent does not mean you get to do whatever you want to them and their lives.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

My understanding from Thurman's previous posts is that the daughter and her mother are very close.

Actually she is welcome to move in here. Having a live-in doctor would be really handy sometimes.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I thought that Thurman meant HE had been fighting with his wife, over the daughter, not that the daughter was fighting with her mother.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

TOS: is she a doctor? a medical doctor? and have to live off her parents? did I get it right?


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So sorry Mother TheOther

I thought maybe this was just an imposter posing as a stepfather and was getting their roles mixed up. After all any of us could be anything right?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

You're in a tough spot with this! I don't think you can really say "No, your daughter cannot move home" - but there's also no reason you should be miserable for a year.

I agree with Weed, there should be a time limit in place and everyone needs to be accountable for their behavior.
One of my stepsisters split up with her ExH a few years ago and moved in with my parents for awhile. Stepsis is fairly nice to my dad, but really crummy to my SM (demanding, guilt-tripping, whining, etc). My dad and SM agreed that Stepsis would only live there for four months and then would either A) find a place or B) pay as much rent as she would living on her own. Everyone knew the "rules" up front and it went fairly smoothly. I know it was strain on their relationship, and my dad was glad to see her go, but they managed.

If she does wind up staying with you, maybe 6 weeks into her 3 month limit would be a good time for you and your wife to take trip? Ideally a week at a nice spa or tropical resot to get a GOOD break, but even a long weekend with some friends in the next city would probably help things mellow out! Encourage SD to skip town for a weekend too.

Or, maybe you all could agree that on Tuesday evenings, from after work until 10 pm, you two have the house to yourselves, and Thursdays she does. I have a coworker who's adult stepson is living with them for awhile and that's one of their approaches. One night a week, they are guaranteed a quiet evening to themselves at home. On their night "out", they go for dinner after work and then to her sister's place to play cards and chat. She said the structure can be a little pesky, but it gives everyone the space they need.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I agree with theotherside here. While it may be difficult for a stepparent, it's really unfair to the (yes, I undertand, adult) children to say that once mom or dad remarries, that takes away any family fall-back position they might have otherwise had. Finedream's position (ok if it's both your biokid, not ok if it's one of your's step) sounds really unfair to me. What will you do if your son, at 27, feels a need to move back home for a while, for whatever reason? If the answer is different for the son than for the stepdaughter, I would find that difficult to accept if I were in either your wife's or your stepdaughter's position. Especially given your attitude "when my s/d is gone... It feels like the "family" I've always wanted." This sounds like a pretty harsh attitude towards your stepdaughter, as if you are trying to exclude her from the family, or would like to. Given that existing attitude toward her (which I'd bet your wife and stepdaughter are aware of), any effort you make at preventing her from moving in is likely to come across like more of the same, and probably won't go over very well. At least not unless there is some specific issue other than just you don't like her (i.e. she steals from you to support her drug addiction) that would make her living there a serious problem.

All that said, if it's a genuine hardship on you (including an emotional one), that needs to be addressed, also. It's also true that as an adult, she is responsible for her own behavior and could be expected to agree on basic rules of behavior in the house if she were to move in. Weed makes some very good points about things to discuss before allowing her to move in.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Four years ago SC's bio-mom's family went to a judge and got custody taken away from bio-mom and given to DH. They have been in our home now full time.We have split 2 times since then. It has been HELL.SD just moved out @ 19 in October. Still have SS age 15.I thought it would be so much better when she was gone but SS has taken her place in being the trouble maker now.What I'm saying to you is I was asked if the kids could live with us full time and my YES is so regreted.I was afraid if I said no he would leave me. Now I wish I would have taken that chance because I think it would have been tough at first but better in the long run.


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quirk

i never said it is Ok or not Ok I just said that if a child is only one of the parent's, it is different than if it is both. it causes more problem according to what people share here.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I say it depends on the child and the situation. I wouldn't welcome back any child that isn't respectful or trying to get on their feet. How it's going to affect YOUR household is the first consideration.

I have to kinda admire theotherside's optimism when she says "I would be happy to have any of my adult kids, along with any spouses and children, move back in."

lol, my dad always says, be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. I love my son but until he gets married and has kids, I couldn't say whether I would welcome his wife & kids to live with me. Goodness, he could marry a woman that has kids already.... how would THAT work out TOS?


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Ima's post

lol!


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I agree with ima that it depends on the child/adult.Also,the situation.

Kinda sounds like this SD just wants to be a bit irresponsible and quit her job without having another one.In which case her mom shouldnt be supporting that behavior by telling her she can move in.27 is a bit old to still be relying on your mommy.
You know,it's called being a responsible adult.You take a crappy job or work more hours or get a roomate.You dont just quit and say oh well and move back in with your parents.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

finedreams sorry if I misunderstood your point.

But my point is that the decision of allowing a grown child to live with a parent for some amount of time should not be different for the stepchild than for the biological child. Of course it is most likely harder on the stepparent than the biological parent, especially if the stepparent came along later in the child's life and wasn't involved in raising them. Just like it is probably more difficult to in a time of need take in your spouse's parent or sibling than your own, but when you are married you don't get to say sorry dear, I'll let my mom move in for six months if she needs but not yours because after all yours is not my flesh and blood. Yes, when you are talking about adults it's a case by case basis and depends on the individuals being able to behave in reasonable manners and all that, but when you start differentiating between oh we'll do whatever for our biological children but when there are steps they get lesser support from parents simply because there is a stepparent involved, that is not fair to the kids. When you marry someone, you don't just get your spouse, you get their families and responsibilities also, that means being willing to accept, among other things, your spouse's adult child living in the home for a time just as you would your own adult child. Just as it means accepting the possibility of caring for your spouse's aging parent the same as you would your own aging parent. Yes, case by case but not with different standards or expectations for biological, step, in-law.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I think in this case, she is 27 years old and can make arrangments withher lovely father. She's leaned on your house for many years and if it stresses you out , you do have a say! Its your house!
You must sit down with your wife and speak to her. Tell her you know if she's in trouble thatyou guys can make arrangements to help her but you do not want her to live in the house. You've taken care of her for many years and this time its 'daddy's turn to pick up her pieces.
Sounds to me like your wife has always been there for her daughter but her father gets labelled as a great dad but what? she can't live with him for 6 months while she gets back on her feet if the time came to it?
You've done your part for 15 years! tell your wife its her ex 's turn to do something for his daughter.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Thanks folks for your spirited and helpful replies. It's comforting to know that even though there are no easy answers, that other folks are there.

Yes, I meant I enjoy being father and husband when it is just my wife and son here. That role feels good. But also yes-- my wife and I fall apart in terms of our relationship when S/D is here. This has gone on for years. You can see why I feel so liberated and easy when she is gone. It's not all her fault; my wife and I have never been able to discuss the S/D without blowing up. My wife does not want to hear anything critical...and it leads to the walking on eggshells and avoidance of the topic which is our standard operating procedure.

If I go to the bio-Dad for direct intervention, my wife would probably leave me. Bringing counselors into it would probably result in the same. Yet, she will not discuss anything about it. I don't want to lose her, yet, one cannot live happily under a totalitarian regime!!!

thanks again, folks!


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

My husband was a very understanding man. When his son came on hard times, him, his wife and baby moved in with his mom. Didn't take her long to get tired of her son's temper. I was in the hospital recovering from surgery, told my doctor and he told my husband "under no circumstances can she have a toddler living with her until she is fully recovered". Later the son had more financial problems and wanted to move in with us. I told my husband, "if your son gets mad at me, he will always dislike me, if he gets mad at his mother he will get over it". My husband agreed.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

"if your son gets mad at me, he will always dislike me, if he gets mad at his mother he will get over it"

I totally agree!

It would be relationship suicide if either of my adult SD's moved in with DH and me. The only way I would agree to it is if I was moving out the same day.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I just saw on the other thread that SD in question is in fact in medical residence and is in fact medical doctor, so in just few months in residency she is already unhappy with it and wants to move back home. Well residency is tough, very tough, way tougher than leaving in mom's house until age 27(why?)So she wants to quit residency and move back home, for what reason? Does she think some other residency will be any different? This is way too weird. I thought maybe she works for minimal wages, has no education and maybe has some challenges that prevent her from supporting herself. Well apparently it is not the case.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Looking at the sentiment of Jones and June, it seems clear that there are different relationships with stepchildren and biological children. Which, frankly, is what I expect. The inconsistency is with those feelings and the stepmom having rights and privilidges other than as Dads wife. Now I agree that there are different stepmoms, but this type of posting I think legitimately leads all moms to beleive that SMs commitment to child is just not the same, and that it may impact on Dad not wanting child, even adult child, at home.

My seperation agreement specifically provides that Dad pays all extras up to age 25 or full time student. Cars, insurance, tuitiion, etc. Because I knew I would always be willing to make a home for her. And in all liklihood, I may be the only one willing to do so.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

finedreams,

My understanding is that she wasn't living at home - she had been away at medical school, and came home over break.

I can certainly envision something happening during residency that would be so upsetting that you would think of changing programs, or even wondering if you did the right thing by becoming a doctor. As you said, residency is very stressful. She apparently changed her mind about coming home after a few days, anyway.

I think a lot of stepparents (and biological parents for that matter) would love to have a SD/daughter who was responsible and motivated enough to get through medical school.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Thurman,
It saddens me to think that that a child has so much power that they can tear apart a relationship. Which is why I think it's not really about the daughter but about you and your wife. More specifically, your feelings about being a stepfather. You said you feel like a husband and a dad when it's just you, your wife and your son....but not when your SD is around? To me it seems that it's more about resentment over how close your wife is to her daughter and the fact that whenever you want to point something out or have a say in anything having to do with her, then you get shut down or out. It's not your stepdaughter that's causing you grief...that's causing you to feel things like competition, jealousy, disrespect, meanness, fighting with your wife, etc.

I really think you and your wife should get some counseling so that you two can address all of these feelings, emotions, actions and thoughts before you reach a point of no return.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I think that only Thurman can respond as to what happened when SD lived at home that caused him to say there was
"competition, jealousy, disrespect, meanness, fighting with my wife, etc.

Why jump to the conclusion these behaviors are coming from him? These behaviors from a stepchild directed at a stepparent would cause most married couples to argue. I've experienced all of the above from my adult SD's. Over and over. Let's add insults, too.

And I've been frustrated with DH because he is usually too afraid to stop it because he doesn't want them to turn on him. This is what causes arguments between spouses.

Would I welcome the "opportunity" to have one or both move into my home? No. Just come over to my house at Christmas and you'll see what I get to deal with. In one short evening the whole gamut is run - jealousy, fighting, meanness, competition and little insults. Plus, my house gets trashed and I get to clean up after them.

I would think that if an adult SK wants to keep the option of moving in with their bioparent and stepparent, then they should not burn their bridges. But again, that is just common sense and most people realize that.

And KKNY, I have no children. I only have SD's. So you can't use me as a comparison between the two. But I think it is fair to say that most children, whether they are children or adults will always love their bioparent more than they do a stepparent. As it should be.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

"I think a lot of stepparents (and biological parents for that matter) would love to have a SD/daughter who was responsible and motivated enough to get through medical school. "


Not if they werent willing to follow through with it.Medical school is not cheap.Imagine paying for the medical school and Child/adult has a sudden change of heart.Now I dont know that thrurman and his wife paid for the medical school,maybe she got some kind of grant or something.
In which case I wouldnt be upset she wanted to drop out or something,but I still wouldnt want to support her finacially.(which moving in you're basicly doing unless some kind of rules are set up to pay for food or rent)
I just think 27 is entirely too old to want to fall back on parents.
I'm only 30,and I cant imagine even wanting to move back in with mom because I enjoy my freedom too much.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Plastic,

I think you hit the nail on the head. I felt exactly as you did when I was your age. I left home when I was 18 to go away to college and wild horses couldn't have brought me back home. I loved my parents dearly but I also wanted to have my freedom to find my way in the world.

By the age of 27, if one is in Med School or Graduate School, stay with it and get done with it. If there is a need to "take a break", get a job and an apartment. If there is an illness involved, that is a different story.

I have a nephew by marriage who is 27 and he still lives with Mom and Dad when he "needs" to, which is frequent.

There are no stepparents involved - both are his bio parents. His parents have tried to give him everything and make life easy for him.

He's smart enough but is chronically unemployed. But he doesn't need to work because Mom and Dad will provide. He doesn't need to do chores, because Mom and Dad take care of that for him, too. And then Mom and Dad fight because they are afraid he will become a bum.

Well, he has become a bum. His Mom and Dad are starting to realize that fact and they are now saying "we didn't do him any favors".


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june

I agree that unless there is no bio parents in existance and step parents replaced parents completely, children will always love bio parents more. I know many stepparents who are actively involved in raising their stepkids feel hurt by that and they shared it here a lot, but it is a reality.

Sometimes love it is not something one can justify or explain. It is often unconditional, it does not matter what stepparents do or bioparents don't do.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

as about moving back home kids usually choose a parent who lets them do whatever. they don't choose a parent who sets the rules. So SD in question chooses mom not dad for a reason.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

FD,

Dont know if I agree with you. Sometimes kids chose parent with more money. When Dad has the big house with the pool, it can put mom at a disadvangate. Lots of different criteria. Sometimes responsible kids (yes there are those), want the house with structure -- meals at certain time, mom home at night, etc.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

June0000 -- I agree in part with what you are saying...in that I shouldn't jump to the conclusion that the behaviours that Thurman listed (competition, jealousy, disrepect, meanness, fighting with [his] wife, etc.) are only stemming from him.

Thurman's admitted that early on he allowed these behaviours to happen but did very little about it. Which is why I said that, at this juncture -- 15 or so years of him being a step dad-- Thurman AND his wife should seek marraige counseling.

But I feel for all of us who ALLOW these behaviours to continue to happen, in their home, regardless of who is initiating it. Like so many of us, we are [afraid of] and fraught with how to handle these behaviours...sometimes thinking that if we take action, then someone will be turning against us.

So I wasn't blaming Thurman or jumping to conclusions that he is the direct cause of it...only that he is part of a situation that needs to be rectified so that he and his wife don't end up divorced because of how they BOTH ALLOW their SD (or for that matter either of their children) to act in THEIR house....and also of how he and his wife treat each other with respect to their children.

Once this vicious cycle is in place, it's hard to stop it. But ignoring it out of fear, or becoming a prisoner in your own home and of your own thoughts and feelings is exactly what leads us to throw in the towel, become disengaged, lose our identity, and anything else that is destructive to the happiness, and the success of our relationships (as spouses and as parents).


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

thurman,
I have responded to your post before because I can identify with your situation. I have a adult SD and adult SS who behave similiar to your adult SD. I truely understand how you feel. My DH also shuts down when SD or SS attempt to do something that will effect our life/relationship when I try to talk with him about it.
I believe SS is thinking about trying to move in again for a free ride. I know I will have to, as I say "put my foot down". It does not work to have him live with us and causes damage to our marriage. Both kids have lived with us before and it caused excessive hurt/damage. Should we say they 'burnt bridges".
I have told DH several times that I love to have the kids come and visit for a week or even two, but then they need to do the adult thing and live an adult life.
I say there is a BIG difference between 2 bio parents having adult children live with then and 1 bio parent and 1 step parent. I feel that if the adult stepkids have not been nice and respectful to both the bio parent and the stepparent it will not work to live together.

I know if my adult stepchildren had treated me respectfully and been considerate I would love to have them live with us, but I have never Once received that from them. They have done the total opposite over the last 8 years. They have tried to break DH and I up, stolen things of mine, tried to get bio mom back with DH, said hurtful snotty things to me, ignored me, brought their mother into my home when I am gone, and never once done one nice thing for me. I truely do not want this type of person living with me to cause me more pain and damage. I truely wish in my heart my SKs would care about me and treat me with respect. Because I have done that for them, but they do not want to return that to me. However, I have come to the realization that they may never like me or respect me. It it too bad and it makes me sad. But I will continue to be respectful to them and hope some day that they return that type of treatment to me. But until they can do that, I will not live with them or that type of person. It has nothing to do with them being a stepchild or not. It has to do with being a certain type of disrespectful, rude, inconsiderate person.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

There is a big difference between my own children and my step children although I didn't treat them any differently. The main difference is the emotions of the step children. "You're not my mom, and I don't have to mind you". I never heard that from my steps, because they never lived with me and I didn't have to say no to them. They would not have said it in front of their dad and gotten away with it. But the attitude is like a shadow in the background. My children respected me and minded me withouts arguing. They often question why I said no, but accepted it. My steps would not have been so accepting.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Yes, and isn't it quite a puzzle to figure out where that rotten attitude came from, None other than biomom or biodad. They THINK that your home isn't your home at all, but rather theirs and dads or moms. And adult stepchildren are people, not kids. They don't get it, it is OUR home, not your home. And when you come into OUR home, you will treat me with respect or you will no longer be welcome, anymore than you dear stepchildren would even begin to allow anyone who treated you that badly into your home.

So cut out the headgames, shoves, glares, rolling eyes, insults, stealing, backhanded compliments and nasty gossiping or you just got yourself a get out of the house forever card and you can thank none other than biomom for that.


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Besides that

If you don't like me? Buzz off. Mothertheother might take you in, until of course she gets your full treatment, then even she would likely change her mind;) First time mother went into HER kitchen in HER house and was met with the steely silence and vicious glares and the "why are you here" looks, she would change her mind but fast. ER excuse me, but this is MY house.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

It's not your husband's house, equally?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

TOS, It seems that when house is actually Dads, the mantra is we're married, everything is shared, and if SMs, then SMs. At least in many cases. And any issues with stepchildren are attributable to the mother, if not the child, never the stepmother. Now as some one has pointed out, the posters here may not be a random sample.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

it's funny how you have to choose your words VERY carefully or they get picked apart.

My 20 year old son came home for a visit on Friday and he thinks of this as MY house. I lived here before I met my husband and my husband and SD moved in with us. For that reason, my children sometimes treat them like they are invaders of their space. I kinda understand how they feel, but it is now my husbands house too and when WE brought the house rules to a family meeting, my husband made it very clear to my children, that this is HIS house. I agree 100%.

I'm pretty sure that is what Colleen is saying, it doesn't matter who was there first, when you have the adults that are paying the bills and the upkeep on the house and the kids (regardless of age) give you a look, glare, stare, or rolled eyes in the house YOU pay for and keep up, then there is NO EXCUSE for it. and it doesn't matter if dad owns it and is paying for it and his wife is a SAHW, she still lives there and it's her house.

I went to my dad's house after he married my step mom. It was THEIR house, I didn't pay any of the bills and even if I felt it was MY DAD's house, it was also hers. She didn't deserve to be disrespected in her own home, and yet, my sisters did act that way toward her because they thought of it as dad's house.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

If the house is both the father and stepmother's, or the mother and stepfather's, then if one of them wants their children to move back in, or visit, then the other one does not have the right to say, "No, it's MY house and I don't want them here."

It's not about who pays the mortgage or the rent - otherwise SAHM's could not refer to it as theirs.

When I first moved into our house, my oldest kids were not living at home. They didn't refer to it as home - understandable, since they had to ask for directions when they came home for the holidays - but it still made me sad. Only after they had moved back home did they start referring to it as home. I hope all my kids always think of it as home.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

"If the house is both the father and stepmother's, or the mother and stepfather's, then if one of them wants their children to move back in, or visit, then the other one does not have the right to say, "No, it's MY house and I don't want them here." "

Unless...the step parent has valid reasons for not wanting the adult step child there.As others have mentioned some of those reasons could be:
attitude,disrespect,stealing,not cleaning up,not paying for anything,disrespecting the house,or other abusive type behaviors.
Then they DO have every say in who stays in their home.

For instance,in my own exprience with my one step daughter HITTING my daughter.If my husband said she was moving in,I'd tell him OVER MY DEAD BODY.Or I'd probably say if she moves in,I move out.And that is a VALID reason for saying so,because it is to PROTECT MY OWN CHILD from her behavior that he NEGLECTS to disapline.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I think there is a big,big difference between attitude and disrepect and physical violence. My xs GF doesnt deserve respect. Even Xs own family beleives that.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Why would you marry someone whose discipline style was so different from your own, unless neither of you had children and you weren't going to have any together?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I'm sorry,is that directed to me,theotherside?

My husband and I are in perfect synch with how we disapline...when it comes to OUR CHILD.
He didnt disapline his daughter,because as I mentioned in the ex rant post,they have NO RELATIONSHIP thanks to her mother.He was scared to disapline her,and he didnt want to be the bad guy.He wanted her to like him and love him.

Cant say I blame him for that.

But when I have a child who has been sick since age 3 with something called an abdominal migraine,and Cyclic vomitting syndrome (look it up,I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy) Then you can bet I'd have a problem with a 5'5' 150 pound teen pounding my child in the back of the head!
All of husband's little talks with his daughter did no good.So it was either she doesnt move in,or I take our child and leave.Because I was not going to let my baby get hurt.
Would you let someone hurt your child TOS?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

It doesn't sound to me like this has anything to do with discipline. Normal teenagers do not attack little children. You don't need to punish them to keep them from doing so. My kids argue with each other, and as they were growing up occasionally one of them would hit another - but it was almost always with the next youngest or oldest child in the family. If I had joint legal custody of a child who was that violent, I would get her help.

But the other things you mentioned - not cleaning up, being rude - if people kicked their kids out for that stuff, almost all teenagers would be out on the street.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Unless I missed it somewhere, I don't think Plastic kicked her SD out - she doesn't want her to move in. What kind of a mother would she be if she allowed someone who has proven to be violent and abusive to move into her home and possibly hurt her child?

And it is not Plastic's fault her SD has obvious behavior problems. She didn't raise her.

As for the subject on an adult SC moving in and SM's not having the "right" to say no, when I woke up this morning, we are still living in a free country and we have legal rights as well as civil rights.

As a joint owner of my home, I have rights and DH as joint owner has rights. If Adult SC's names are not on the deed, then they have no rights to the home as long as the legal owners are living and depending upon how the deed is worded, adult SC may have no rights to the home if their parent dies and stepparent survives.

It makes common sense to me that if an adult SC wishes to keep their options open about moving in with their parent and stepparent, they might wish to treat the SP in a decent manner to ensure they are welcome.

If they act the way Colleen has described (and it is exactly what I get a frequent dose of), then they aren't going to be welcome.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

June, I agree with everything you say, except I would add that it really doesn't matter if the house is only deeded to dad. If his wife or GF lives there with him, even if she's not on the deed, it's still her house because she lives there. The kids should never be allowed to make someone feel like an outsider or intruder in their own house. (rented or owned)

and TOS, if you want to allow your children (teenagers) to live under your roof and not clean up or be rude, go ahead. In my house, I let my teenagers know that if they don't keep it clean and if they are rude (to me or DH) that my legal obligation to house them ends when they are 18. I love them and don't want them to leave, but I also don't want to live with rude slobs. My older son (he's going to be 21 next month) decided to leave at 18 and he's struggled all the way, but he has refused to abide by the rules. I've allowed him to come back three times, and he's back now considering a fourth. I'm not going to back down on my rules because he might end up sleeping under a bridge. I don't want him to do that, but he has a nice warm bed if he can keep it clean, be respectful and work (or go to school). His brother is 18 and doing it.

We may not be able to kick them out when they are minors but they have to realize that their bad behavior is unacceptable and a day will come when we no longer have to put up with it.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Ima,

I'm going to duck for you on the issue of gf living in Dad's house :).

I understand where you're coming from and you won't hear any arguments from me. I do agree that no one should ever be allowed to make someone feel like an intruder in their own home.

On the deed issue, though, there are some very important elements from a legal standpoint. In the event of the death of DH, if spouse is not on deed (as a tenant in common), a SC may be able to claim a portion of the home.

I do unfortunately know a woman whose father died and her SM (father's wife for 35+ years) was not on the deed to the house. SD couldn't wait for the 80 year-old+ woman to die to get the whole house.

The 80 year-old SM was forced to sell her house to pay off SD. SD then went and had a face lift with the proceeds.

I would encourage every SM to know exactly how the deed to the home is worded and talk to a title attorney, if needed. It may be your house and DH's house while DH is living, but who can make a claim to it if he dies?

In some cases, it may be desired that children have a claim to a portion of the home and that SM would move if DH dies. But that might not be what Dad and SM wants.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

My X has agreed to give house to DD when she is out of college and then he will be close to retirement age and will retire to apartment. It is a big house. She says I can move in with her, I said no need, but will be clsoe.


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My definition of home...

"When I first moved into our house, my oldest kids were not living at home. They didn't refer to it as home - understandable, since they had to ask for directions when they came home for the holidays - but it still made me sad. Only after they had moved back home did they start referring to it as home. I hope all my kids always think of it as home."

Theotherside: Wherever my mom is, that's home to me!! It's not a structure that gives me the "home" feeling, it's her. You seem very close to your children. I would bet they feel the same way. Its YOU that makes a house feel like home.

Thurman, in regards to your post, if it were me I would talk to my spouse and lay it all out - how you feel your relationship changes when your stepdaughter is present, how you feel like you don't belong, etc. Don't place blame on your stepdaughter because your wife will automatically attack like the momma bear she is and you will feel more left out. I would talk about MY feelings and worries. She loves her daughter but she loves you too and she wouldn't want you to feel insignificant and unloved. Just remember that it goes both ways...you want her to sympathize and understand your feelings on the topic, but be prepared to sympathize and understand the position she is in as well. If she is willing to compromise and change for you, are you willing to compromise and change for her? Someone has to take the first step in the right direction...


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

"But the other things you mentioned - not cleaning up, being rude - if people kicked their kids out for that stuff, almost all teenagers would be out on the street."

I have spent a lot of time around children step, bio, friends who are messy and rude and HEY, not really a big deal. You can work with them to coach them into being more responsible in those areas.

BUT, when you get a REAL HIT of VENOM from any person including a stepchild you will vividly remember it. It is obvious MotherTheOther you have never experienced that kind of vicious attack or you wouldn't say what you say. And make no mistake, because you haven't experience that venom has nothing to do with your belief that you are a better mother.

And more importantly are you going to tell me those children are just mysteriously hateful and that it has nothing to do with biomom's head games? Because if that is what you think boy do I have some stories to tell you.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

BUT, when you get a REAL HIT of VENOM from any person including a stepchild you will vividly remember it.

Yes, I agree!


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

All of these supposedly venomous stepchildren have just as many paternal as maternal genes, and most of them have been at least partially raised by their fathers. You wouldn't buy a dog or a horse whose previous offspring were vicious or displayed other major negative traits - why would you marry a man under the same circumstances?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Thank you June for explaining for me.
No I did not kick out my SD.We were going to have her move in.We were giving it a trial run for the summer a year or so ago.
It was during that time that my SD started hitting my daughter.I was also the sole person left in charge of her,as Dh works.
I became scared for myself and my daughter when her behavior became abusive.
I never suggested Dh disapline her,but do something more then just "talk to her" about it.
Dh's hands were tied as far as getting Sd help,as he was not yet Legal guardian.There were too many loose ends in the legal aspect keeping Dh from getting her help.Including the fact that Sd's uncle had legal Power of attorney over her.
So it was my wish that she not move in at that time.

As far as the venomous stepchildren belonging to both parents...Two loving stable people can have a disturbed child without it coming from either parent.And sometimes if there are negative traits in a mate, people dont generally see it right away until it's too late.

Such is the situation with my Dh's ex.As he found out his ex's mom had severe mental illness.

Furthermore,the post isnt about kicking anyone out.It's about preventing an adult from moving in and causing problems.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Mental illness doesn't come from nowhere. While it is true that two "normal" parents can have a disturbed child, there is usually a genetic component - often recessive. One would think from reading here that it is always the mother's fault - either genetically or due to her child raising techniques. It is just as often the father's fault - though fault doesn't really apply when you are talking about genetics.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

thank you for explaining that to us...

it changes my entire opinion of you and explains a lot. Thanks


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Evolution and Human behavior

"There were 111 children killed by their genetic mothers, 86 killed by their genetic fathers, 16 killed by their stepmothers, 62 killed by their stepfathers, ...

Give your head a shake TOS. Look up the stats.

Being a stepmother is a raw deal. The myths are true; you are the evil one and even if youve never had a history of biting the heads off of baby birdies, you will be pigeon-holed until you develop a taste for blood.

Lets all ignore the fact that 55% of convicted child murderers are the biological mother and thats not taking into account infanticide.

Theres really no mention of a stepmother abusing her poor little stepchildrenunless, of course, you read fairy tales, view Disney and Little Golden Books as serious scientific studies. Then, were screwed.


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Just for once TOS

I would love to see you accept that there are some real nasty biomoms out there who have noone elses interests in their hearts other than their own.

You are addicted to "having to be right." If you have to be in control, learning and intimacy are impossible. If you have to be right and arrogant, then partnership is impossible. If you have to be pessimistic, then innovation and creativity are difficult. Your have to be's, which some would call ego, keep you from living fully and are also the source of your discontent.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I think TOS is a hardworking woman doing a great job raising kids on her own.

As to murderers etc., I think severe mental illness, such that would result in murder, is very rare. As evidence by the numbers. I think more common is where people just dont like each other, etc.

And if we want to start attacking people, why are you so angry Colleen?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

"One would think from reading here that it is always the mother's fault - either genetically or due to her child raising techniques."

Of course one would think that from reading these forums! because it is mostly stepmothers who are having problems that are posting here.People who arent having problems with the biomom or step kids obviously dont feel a need to ask for advice.

While I dont have a problem with you or KKNY posting here,I'm still not sure any of us understand WHY you do because you arent in a "step" situation and dont need help or advice.
Of course you are going to think a certain way about the stepmoms posting here,because you are only seeing them from ONE ANGLE,which during hard times may not seem very flattering.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Because so many here see things through one angle -- the perfect stepmother. Even is she is dating dad while he is still married, she is still so perfect. And moms care about chldren.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

plasticgarden,

The point is not that I am surprised that the posters here are having problems - I agree that if everything were hunky-dory, they wouldn't be posting, but that they invariably blame the mother or the child for the problems, never themselves and only rarely the father. And when they do blame the father, it is not usually because they thought he did a bad job raising them, or because they inherited some kind of pathology from him, but merely because the father fails to discipline because of guilt - though they never explain why the fathers would feel guilty because it is almost always the mother who left the marriage, if you can believe what is posted.

colleen,

I have no idea why you are discussing murders by stepparents, because as far as I know that topic had not been discussed in this thread. However, if the numbers you quoted are true, that doesn't look so good for stepparents, especially stepfathers. Even though children spend far more time with their biological parents, and many, many children don't even have stepparents, the ratio of murders by stepfathers to murders by fathers is very high - 3:4. Even the ratio of murders by stepmothers to those by mothers is quite high, considering children spend even more time with mothers than with fathers, on average, and considering the fact that many of those murders by mothers are perinatal, which typically have very different causes than do murders at a later age.

The statistical risk of murder and physical assault by a stepfather is disturbingly high, especially the risk to infants and toddlers. The risk by mothers' boyfriends is even higher.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

plastic,

I'm sure that their goal in being here, even though they have no idea what it means to be a step parent, is to represent the bio parent. What they don't realize, is that by their bitter, angry or jealous attitude that is within their messages, they are supporting the point of the step parent's that come here to vent, complain or seek advice about the evil bio parent in their life.

When I read a message from either of them, it only reinforces that bio parents can be bitter, angry and jealous. I know not all of them are, but the ones on here that represent them are really doing them a disservice. What they fail to realize, the majority of step parents are also bio parents as well.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

How many threads start with "would you do it again [the answer is generally no]" " i hate my SD" etc.

It seems that many SMs want respect, but no responsibility. I think that is wrong.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I dont think all step mothers think they are perfect.I know I'm not.It may seem that way to you when alot of posts are about how hard a stepmom feels she has tried and that either the step kid(s) or biomom is still giving them a hard time.
Put yourself in the position.Let's say you had a relationship with your ex husband's wife.We all know that will never happen,but let's just say.And let's say you tried so hard to be nice and accomadating and she was only rude and manipulative and deceitful to you.

Would your posts here maybe come off as you have done nothing wrong but that she is the mean/bad one? Of course.

Well,since that is mostly what we have here,then that is why you see it that way.But that doesnt mean that is true.
I'm sure there are things we all know we could have done differently.That is why we come here for help.

I think the reason there are so many posts about "would you do it again" and "I hate my SD" are because alot of people here maybe didnt realize it would be this hard when they signed up for this gig.To be honest,it's not something you hear about that often.Unless as Colleen mentioned it's in a Disney movie only depicting the evil stepmother.
I think if more people were aware how hard it was going to be,maybe they would exersice more caution before taking the plunge.I see those posts as a more cautionary tale warning.

Not sure what you mean KKNY about stepmoms wanting respect but not responsibility? All adults should be resepcted,that is how I was raised.To respect your elders.
Doesnt mean you have to like them.Doesnt mean you have to do everything they tell you.But they should be treated cordial and given the same consideration any common stranger off the street would get.
A also dont see how the stepmoms SHOULD have any responsibility.After all,they didnt bring these kids into the world.yet so many care for them as if they did anyways.
If you ask me,that is the definition of what responsible is.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I dont think all SMs should be respected. There was a thread that just started with a woman who was dating man still married. And then she says she doesnt cheat or help someone who does. To me thats denial. Being civil doesnt equal respect.

A lot of inconsistencies. Marriage to DH means partnership -- but that only extends as far as SM wants it to. No adult SC moving back in.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

The stepmothers CHOSE to be in the position they are in. If they did not realize how hard it was going to be, it is because they didn't do enough research, and because they allowed themselves to be blinded by infatuation/love. On the other hand, the biological mother who is now forced to deal with her child having a stepmother had no choice in the matter, especially in those many cases where the father, not the biological mother, chose to divorce.


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kkny

I think that is a grey area,and in that particular post,I dont believe that poster was wrong,because she was under the impression the marriage was indeed over.She didnt willingly act as the other woman.
If you are referring to a home wrecker not deserving respect,that is whole nother topic altogether.I doubt many step moms on here are home wreckers though.

For the record,I'am not against giving it a try for a step adult/child to move in.What I'am against is a step child/adult thinking it is ok to sponge off the parents and not offer anything to the household,be it money or keeping things tidy or whatever.
I also think they should be greatful and respectful since the parents do not have to let them do anything.


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Tos

Are you serious? How many people do you know who would actually do "research" regarding their relationship to someone and who ISNT blinded by love or infatuation?

Isnt that why most marry the first time because they are "blinded by love"? Sometimes it is hard to see past the rose colored glasses.I wouldnt fault anyone for not doing "research".
I agree with you it sucks if you are the biological mother and didnt want your child having a stepmom.I cant say I'd be happy about it either if it happend to me.But I guess as long as my child wasnt abused or treated poorly then I'd have to accept it.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

First of all my children ARE treated poorly, and some of them have been verbally abused by my husband's current wife.

If you don't get married too quickly, you are a lot less likely to get blinded by infatuation/love. The chemical changes in the brain associated with the "in love" feeling only last two years or so. After that the love either disappears or matures into a more permanent, if less high-inducing, emotion.

Yes, of course you should do research, especially if you are marrying into a potentially difficult situation - one that involves stepfamilies, interracial issues, religious differences, cultural differences, etc.

A lot of churches require premarital counseling - one potential source of research.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

if your children are treated poorly, it's your exH fault because he has a responsibility to expect that his wife treat his children are treated with respect by his wife, and likewise, he is responsible to ensure they treat his wife appropriately.

The majority of divorces I see (I'm a process server) are less than 5 years and have young children. Not all marriages last 20+ years and I'm sure those marriages began from that infatuation you talk of. Marriage, whether a first or second or third, needs WORK. and lots of it.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

And why are you sure those marriages (I am not sure whether you are referring to the 5 year or the 20 year marriages) began from infatuation? I knew my exH for over 5 years before we married.

Why would anyone choose to be a process server??? Nobody wants to see you arrive at their door, and it's potentially very dangerous. I wouldn't do it for any amount of money. Do you have a license to carry?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I'm not sure I understand why Ima is being questioned about her choice in career. She has a respectable occupation.

No one ever asks a proctologist why they chose their line of work and it is doubtful their patients are excited about seeing them, either.


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theotherside

"and because they allowed themselves to be blinded by infatuation/love."

those are YOUR words. You apparently believe that the step mom's allowed infatuation/love to blind them from the problems of second marriages. I think most relationships begin with a good amount of infatuation, whether it's a first or second marriage. You may have stayed with your husband long enough to get past that "rose colored glasses" phase but if it never existed, then I doubt that you would have wanted to be with him. and if you spent five years getting to know him, twenty years married to him and it still didn't work, then how can you criticize anyone else?

How can anyone predict from the beginning what is going to happen in a marriage? There are BM's that don't seem to have a problem at first (and are even friendly & supportive) and over time, they begin to have a problem with things. It may have to do with what is going on in their own life. The feelings of the kids can change, depending on everything from lifestyle differences to changing schedules. The "honeymoon" phase isn't something that only adults go through. Kids sometimes also go through a period when they just love and adore the new step parent, but that can change if the bio parent gets upset, jealous, angry or it can change if the step parent does something that upsets the child, like implementing rules or saying no. Unfortunately, when a divorced parent is dating, they might spend more time with the kids, taking them places , having fun (with the new step parent/partner) but when they get married and settle down into a routine life, the kids are not so happy and excited because it's not Disneyland anymore. They want to come to their parent's house but not have the new step parent tell them what to do. Then it's no longer fun. That is definitely something (potential) step parents and dating single parents should think about before they get married or work on after they get married if they're already married.

and my company provides legal support services to attorneys (as well as individuals) and process service is one of my jobs. I chose to do that because I got burnt out working in social services. I started my company so I could have more flexibility in my work schedule. It's not as dangerous as I had thought at first and often, people don't mind that I'm there. Some know it's coming and I have even been able to call some up and arrange a good time. I've rarely had a problem. I don't carry a weapon and I don't do it for the money. I make more money doing document retrieval and court filings. I believe in the legal process and when I approach someone that doesn't want to be served, I let them know that they have a right to know about whatever action is being taken against them and they have a right to be notified of any hearing so they have plenty of time to respond with their side. Why would anyone NOT want to know what action's being taken against them. Hiding isn't going to stop it or make it go away. That's ridiculous. I began my company so I could be home more for my kids (I home school my daughter) and it was my goal to go into law school when my youngest daughter turned 18. She will be 18 in May and I don't know if I will have time for law school because my business has done much better than I expected. (and I enjoy it more than I thought I would)


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I did not marry my husband until past the "infatuation" phase. It is inaccurate to say the marriage "didn't work" - that implies that there was something inherently wrong with the marriage. My marriage ended because of my husband's depression and resulting affair. It was in no way my choice.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

if it worked, you'd still be married.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Marriages don't work or not work. They are not automobiles to be disposed of when they no longer "work" or when it is too much effort to fix them. A marriage is a commitment and a contract. If you contract with someone to build you a house, and they run off with your money to Tahiti, you don't say that the contract "didn't work." You say they violated the terms of the contract. There was nothing wrong with the contract just because one of the signers violated its terms.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

Word it however you want TOS,your marriage still didnt work.
I'm getting tired of arguing semantics on here.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I would absolutely LOVE to hear TOS ex's version of events

His side
Her side
The truth usually somewhere in between


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

My SD and GD moved in one year ago. When I got the call I was in may car. I got a beer and sat by the side of the road. It has been Hell Hell Hell, I left for 2 weeks only to have everyone more uptight. My relationship with my then 1.5 year marraige now almost 3, has been and is on the brink of extermination. I only have time to write briefly now but you will be heartbroken at my lifestory this year but maybe encouraged that you can make it. Except lately H has pulled away emotionally which makes more pain for me. I do not get alone with SD, infact she wont even talk to me, not good, we still have to share the same air, I call her the "phantom" What I need is encouragement today to stay, to love, to leave??? thankx


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

watcher,

This thread is over 2 years old, but I'd love to hear the rest of your story.

I have 2 SDs and we've had plenty of problems, which pretty much all stem from BM. At this moment I'm the one who is not talking to my oldest SD, but if she wanted to move in tomorrow? Oh, no problem! Just as long as she brings grandbabies with her! My husband and I gave a lot of thought to the possibility that one of his kids, our parents, or another relative might want to move in one day--so we've already made preparations.

We have a large "family room" in the back that we don't really need or use, so we closed it in, put in a full bathroom, kitchen facilities, and turned it into a complete studio apartment. It even has a compact washer/dryer. Not only does it have a separate entrance, but a separate driveway as well. With 1 door, we can close it off completely from the rest of the house.

We did the work ourselves and got almost all of the materials from rummage and liquidation sales. The total cost was under $1,000.

My husband and I value our privacy, but we'd never have the heart to turn anyone away--and this way we'll never have to.

Any possibility at all that you and your husband could restructure your house in a similar fashion? At least partially?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

I beg to differ with you, mental illness can come on all of a sudden. Some have severe problems that are obvious to everyone, most of the time. In others it's not noticeable until there is a real crisis that brings out the problem. When you take an adult child in, you need to set rules before hand and set a date for them to move out. We let my boys move in with us while in transition from another state, my boys respected me and liked my husband. we had no hard feelings at all.


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

thanks, my towels are back in the drawer. Hey this whole thing has taken me to a place of depression, which makes me even madder that I am "sick" because of their behavior. I really need a big pity party but it wouldnt help, I just need to know some tips on living this way (refresher-23yr SD and GrandSD move in, H and I were newlyweds, SD rebelious,lazy,silent, filthy and more. 2yr GSD was hard to be around always crying, Now its just me I dont want them here.) ml SAYS COMPANY IS LIKE FISH, A DAY OR TWO AND ITS GREAT BUT AFTER THAT IT STINKS, ?POINTERS?


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RE: refuse adult stepchild to move home?

are these dates on your postings, my calendar says it is 2009.
Anyway I will tell you-run while you can and make a plan to meet when your wifes life is as when you found her. Sounds bad I know, so does the arguments the being put in a lower respected place. You will say often, "where did my home go?" I have this situation but I stayed. I have suffered belittleing by my husband, seeing the 23 yr given prefrence over me. As my situation continues a sence of depression haunts me. I left for 2 weeks and oh I missed him like heck for 3 days, we started dating and I felt so right in my new home. moved home out of marital duty???? GL


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