refuse adult stepchild to move home?
thurman
16 years ago
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theotherside
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agojune0000
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Adult Stepchild moving back in... I'm less than thrilled
Comments (7)As a mom, I understand your wife's feelings. I have two sons ~ 20 & 23. The 23 left at 18 because he didn't like my rules, he came back several times because he couldn't loaf in any one place very long... but when I allowed him to come back, he ALWAYS had conditions! Had to find a job... spend his day looking, not sleeping all day. He had to do chores... more chores if he wasn't working because he had more time. He had to pay $50 a week. and he had to follow our house rules.. no staying up all night watching movies or playing video games, clean up after yourself, and he could only fix himself meals when we were preparing our meals. (He was welcome to eat what we were having but if he didn't like it, he could fix himself something else... but he could only do so when I was making dinner~ not after all the dinner dishes were done & kitchen was clean, because even though he had to clean up after himself, he is not very good at it so we'd end up having to do it over.) Consequently, my son CHOSE to not stay with me very long.. usually a few weeks & he'd find someone's couch. That's why he came back several times. We stuck to our conditions and he kept coming back, hoping we'd let him slide. He eventually joined the military and has matured a lot in the last two years. But, I am also going through it with my 20 year old son... having to stay firm & consistent with the rules. If they don't like it, they are "adult" age and can go do something else. You should not feel like a prisoner in your own home & suspect your wife agrees but it's her son & she doesn't want to turn him away, but maybe is conflicted because she remembers how bad it was when he was there before... I feel for her. Oh yeah, if he is leaving Dad's because he doesn't like the rules or being told what to do, does he think it will be different in your home? I think this is one time you & your wife should get together with Dad & stepmom to have the same rules/expectations in both houses....See MoreAdult stepdaughter moved in.
Comments (15)she quit because they wanted her to work the day after Thanksgiving". Naw! No way! In *retail*??? She quit so she could move into her father's new beachfront home. and your husband knows it. There's no way to live a happy, normal life with a passive/aggressive person. Every time you get happy because you think you've *finally* gotten things on track, he'll sabotage the whole structure. & open his eyes wide & say in an injured tone that he doesn't know *why* you're mad at him, he didn't do anything. He'll keep you so busy putting out brush fires that you won't be able to take the long view, to get some perspective on what's actually going on & what the future is likely to be like. sound familiar? Fathers often do over-indulge manipulative 'children' out of guilt ("I moved out on my family, I'm the reason she's unhappy"); a halfway skillful 'child' can leverage that for a lifetime! But since even his young son's problems don't make any difference in this father's behavior, there must be more in it than guilt. Like the fact that, although the two of you have the same level of education & the same earning capacity, he's in control & you're frazzled, stressed out, & miserable. & you're a domestic servant, cleaning the stairs & keeping food warm for his rude daughter. so I don't think that the problem is "her" so much as it is "him & her". The two of them are working as partners to get what they want, & it's working very well. They have no reason to accomodate you; doing so would, in fact, reduce their satisfaction with life. I think it's time for one or the other to move out of the 'dream (nightmare) home' & let life calm down. Just in case you're not ready to take that step, & I do know that we have to be 'ready', you might change some things to reduce your stress while you give him one more opportunity to shape up: Stop enabling her! no holding food in the warming drawer, no "bending over backwards", no talking to her like you're too dumb to realize that she's your rival & that she enjoys making a fool of you. This is your territory, you're the alpha female, your cubs are suffering, you need to assert yourself (stop cleaning those stairs, for crying out loud, & never ever act like you're "trying to work with her"). Tell hubs that he's treading on thin ice for lying to you, that he well knows that you never would have agreed to have his grown daughter move in forever, that she's outstayed her welcome not only by length of "visit" but by behavior & attitude, & that he's to get her out of there at once. Then give *her* a date (do *not* expect him to actually follow through; he doesn't believe you'll take any action if he does nothing), & if she isn't out, put her belongings in storage & change the locks. He'll likely become indignant & proclaim that "it's his house too", *& he may have her move back in*. You need to be prepared for that to happen. If this "girl" moves back in, *she'll* have absolute free rein to treat you like dirt, & *he'll* enjoy it. If she moves back in, it means that your husband is so sure of his control that he believes that he has nullified your power, that you are completely powerless. (This is what abusers of all sorts do to their victims: physical/emotional/sexual abusers, p!mps, drug dealers, all of them, because it really works) At that point, you must move on & get a real life, one in which you are not property but an independent young professional woman raising her family, or maybe at some point, a valued partner to a loving person who feels grateful to have you. You can do this; You are a healthy young woman, you can manage your own life & your own home, & you can raise your children to be happy, well-adjusted human beings without getting ensnarled in disfunction & co-dependence. I wish you the best....See MoreAdult Stepchild Manipulating?
Comments (9)Frankly, I think the "Blame the Step" game is the rule rather than the exception. If Daddy does something that makes us angry, it must be StepMom's fault! If Mommy lets us down, it's because StepDad made her! If your spouse annoys you, it's because of their selfish, spoiled kids. And most often, those kids are only spoiled and selfish because of the Ex. That kind of emotional knee-jerk is just easier to deal with than the complex concept that our loved ones aren't perfect. It's immature thinking -- but it happens. All the time. (Meaning often, not without exception.) There's not a whole lot you can do about it except not take it personally and know that it's just your role as a StepParent that's being blamed. If the situation comes up where you're confronted with a ridiculous accusation, I'd just agree and add that you're also the one who single-handedly caused global warming, who put the hole in the ozone layer, and who started the war in Iraq. Gas prices are your fault; you raised taxes, and you made sure Johnny couldn't read. Then smile graciously, throw in a hug or kiss if at all possible, and either change the subject or walk away....See MoreHelp & Advice Needed with Adult Stepchild
Comments (11)Kathleen. I know how you feel and how you think your bf must be so ignorant not to see your point and how hurt your are by his attitude and his son's attitude. My DH's children once invited their father for an outing and not a word was said of me joining them. I was hurt! Really hurt! I had never done that to them. I always made sur if their father went out with one, i would go with the other. Otherwise, we always did things all together. When the stepdaughter got older, she invited her father to go to a movie with her. Dear Husband saw nothing wrong with being invited alone. I thought, when she'll come and get her father, she will realize by my behaviour that i am hurt. IWell, to make a long story short, they finally never went out. However, the whole situation did bother me alot so i know how you feel towards your bf and his son. Today, if it had to happen again, i wouldn't care. I understand that DH's children might want to be alone with their father and that it has nothing to do with me. It's not with the children that i need to maintain a relationship, it's with hubby. So, although i know how upset you are with bf right now, perhaps it would be a good idea not to pack so quickly. Put yourself in his situation. It seems like divorced father's live with an indescribable amount of ''guiltiness towards their children'' and because they will do anything in the world not to rock the boat with them, they will act like your bf is acting now. You have been with this man for eight years. You have invested a lot of time in this relationship. Do you really, really, want to give all this energy you have devoted to this relationship, because your bf's son is ignorant towards you? Let him be! Ignore him. Disengage. Be good to yourself. Don't let him ruin your life. Keep posting....See Moreimamommy
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