refuse adult stepchild to move home?
thurman
16 years ago
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theotherside
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agojune0000
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
moving away from adult children
Comments (15)Wow, that's a tough decision, then. Equally good reasons for leaving vs staying. The most important factor in our lives, especially as we age, is the social factor. And that only you and your DH can decide upon. You could only be depressed if you are not fully committed to this move. It sounds like he is, you aren't. There are indeed real dangers in committing solely to your children/grandchildren. I have a close immediate family, but my nephew just announced he will have to transfer across country in May 2012. With him goes his wife, two kids, and it looks like my sister (his mom) is thinking of uprooting her life to follow them. Our family unit has been stable for the past twenty years. Suddenly we're losing half of them! We're already planning to invest in the new TV-teleconference service that Skype has just introduced. I sympathize that your DH wants to move closer to family. Is this a better social situation for both of you? Even as the family members age, you'll certainly have more of an 'entree' into the community than if you moved somewhere completely new, for example. Do think seriously about the issues of travel as you age. It really becomes more tiring and more burdensome - not just big travel, such as seeing out-of-town relatives, but also the smaller stuff: hospitals, doctors, drug stores, groceries. No matter where you live, this is an issue we all have to face, and a lot of seniors ignore it until too late. You do not want to put yourself in a situation where if one of you is disabled, the other is left stranded and unable to get to necessary places....See MoreAdult stepdaughter moved in.
Comments (15)she quit because they wanted her to work the day after Thanksgiving". Naw! No way! In *retail*??? She quit so she could move into her father's new beachfront home. and your husband knows it. There's no way to live a happy, normal life with a passive/aggressive person. Every time you get happy because you think you've *finally* gotten things on track, he'll sabotage the whole structure. & open his eyes wide & say in an injured tone that he doesn't know *why* you're mad at him, he didn't do anything. He'll keep you so busy putting out brush fires that you won't be able to take the long view, to get some perspective on what's actually going on & what the future is likely to be like. sound familiar? Fathers often do over-indulge manipulative 'children' out of guilt ("I moved out on my family, I'm the reason she's unhappy"); a halfway skillful 'child' can leverage that for a lifetime! But since even his young son's problems don't make any difference in this father's behavior, there must be more in it than guilt. Like the fact that, although the two of you have the same level of education & the same earning capacity, he's in control & you're frazzled, stressed out, & miserable. & you're a domestic servant, cleaning the stairs & keeping food warm for his rude daughter. so I don't think that the problem is "her" so much as it is "him & her". The two of them are working as partners to get what they want, & it's working very well. They have no reason to accomodate you; doing so would, in fact, reduce their satisfaction with life. I think it's time for one or the other to move out of the 'dream (nightmare) home' & let life calm down. Just in case you're not ready to take that step, & I do know that we have to be 'ready', you might change some things to reduce your stress while you give him one more opportunity to shape up: Stop enabling her! no holding food in the warming drawer, no "bending over backwards", no talking to her like you're too dumb to realize that she's your rival & that she enjoys making a fool of you. This is your territory, you're the alpha female, your cubs are suffering, you need to assert yourself (stop cleaning those stairs, for crying out loud, & never ever act like you're "trying to work with her"). Tell hubs that he's treading on thin ice for lying to you, that he well knows that you never would have agreed to have his grown daughter move in forever, that she's outstayed her welcome not only by length of "visit" but by behavior & attitude, & that he's to get her out of there at once. Then give *her* a date (do *not* expect him to actually follow through; he doesn't believe you'll take any action if he does nothing), & if she isn't out, put her belongings in storage & change the locks. He'll likely become indignant & proclaim that "it's his house too", *& he may have her move back in*. You need to be prepared for that to happen. If this "girl" moves back in, *she'll* have absolute free rein to treat you like dirt, & *he'll* enjoy it. If she moves back in, it means that your husband is so sure of his control that he believes that he has nullified your power, that you are completely powerless. (This is what abusers of all sorts do to their victims: physical/emotional/sexual abusers, p!mps, drug dealers, all of them, because it really works) At that point, you must move on & get a real life, one in which you are not property but an independent young professional woman raising her family, or maybe at some point, a valued partner to a loving person who feels grateful to have you. You can do this; You are a healthy young woman, you can manage your own life & your own home, & you can raise your children to be happy, well-adjusted human beings without getting ensnarled in disfunction & co-dependence. I wish you the best....See MoreAsk an adult stepchild
Comments (13)I have a few questions for the adult stepchildren regarding a situation we're having. I'm sorry this is so long but I wanted to give you as much info as possible. My DH is the most gentle & considerate man I've ever met and is deeply wounded that this situation has only worsened since we've married. Maybe you can help us. Please bear with me.... My SD is estranged from DH after continually lying to him throughout her life and not following through with behavioral promises she made. DH says she was always a pathological liar and is a manipulator and he cannot trust her. She manipulates by "crying, lying & playing victim" to gain sympathy. I have personally witnessed her throwing a 3-year old's tantrum at the age of 21 - throwing herself on the floor and faking loud boo-hoos upon slamming her bedroom door when she was told there would be consequences to her latest lie. Her younger brother continually falls for this - DH used to when she was younger. He would end up comforting her when she would start to whimper & cry. He felt sorry for her at the time b/c she was young. DH made several counseling appointments for her when she was living with him. She would go once or twice and then stop. She went on depression meds a few different times and then would stop. When she was unpset with DH, she would hang up on him, one time telling him "F...Y.., Dad!" She never apologized for any of the hang-ups nor for cursing at her father. He has been at wits' end trying to get her to help herself but she refuses to do so - it seems she would rather manipulate to get her way rather than take any responsibility for her emotional health. This is not an adolescent child or a young teenage girl - this is a married woman with a child. Her husband has become her protector and when she "cries, lies & plays victim" he comes to her rescue to defend her. She even went so far as to lie to him early in their marriage, telling him that she had attempted suicide when she was young. DH had to be the one to tell her hubby that this event never happened. Her hubby was appalled and asked DH "Why didn't you tell me this before I married her?" DH's response was: "I'm really sorry....I guess I was hoping she wouldn't do this to you". Over the past several months, she has begun to systematically destroy SS's relationship with his father. It appears she is succeeding b/c SS has begun acting cold & rude towards DH. SS lives on his own in another town and DH only speaks with him every few weeks. Recently, SS has made comments in SD's favor trying to get DH to feel sorry for her, hoping to excuse her behavior. DH calmly replied that she needs to get herself some professional help. No one need suffer with depression indefinitely anymore. There is help for those who want it. SD continually shut DH out whenever he tried to find out what problems she was dealing with. We know there are no drugs or alcohol involved - this has been a life-long pattern with her. To add to the mix, DH says that SD was always jealous of SS's close relationship with him and we're wondering if she has used a guilt tactic over the years (to her advantage) whereby causing SS to feel guilty that he & DH have a good relationship. This may be why he so readily feels sorry for her - out of guilt. He is not particularly close with her since they've both moved on into their own lives. Her mother was a workaholic who did not partner with DH in disciplining SD about her continual lies - DH says she was not present when he would talk to SD about the lying and when the mother was informed, she did not think it was that big of a problem. The mother had an affair when the children were in their late teens and the marriage dissolved. I met DH two years after the divorce. The mother married her lover four months before we married and then began to show up at places where DH & I were (coincidentally?). She also did this when DH went out on his first date with another woman before me - SD had told her where the couple were going to be. She came by their table and flaunted her lover, acting surprised that DH was there. QUESTIONS: 1) Would it be beneficial for DH to broach the subject of his estrangement with SS23? 2) If so, what would be a good way in which to broach this subject? 3) If SS says he doesn't want to "get involved", should DH tell him he suspects that it's too late for that by the way he is treating DH and ask that SS give DH a chance to explain his truth about the situation? 4) Or, should DH leave SS23 alone and trust that he will mature one day and realize that his sister is not trustworthy and manipulates people for her own benefit? Thank you so much for advice!!...See MoreHelp & Advice Needed with Adult Stepchild
Comments (11)Kathleen. I know how you feel and how you think your bf must be so ignorant not to see your point and how hurt your are by his attitude and his son's attitude. My DH's children once invited their father for an outing and not a word was said of me joining them. I was hurt! Really hurt! I had never done that to them. I always made sur if their father went out with one, i would go with the other. Otherwise, we always did things all together. When the stepdaughter got older, she invited her father to go to a movie with her. Dear Husband saw nothing wrong with being invited alone. I thought, when she'll come and get her father, she will realize by my behaviour that i am hurt. IWell, to make a long story short, they finally never went out. However, the whole situation did bother me alot so i know how you feel towards your bf and his son. Today, if it had to happen again, i wouldn't care. I understand that DH's children might want to be alone with their father and that it has nothing to do with me. It's not with the children that i need to maintain a relationship, it's with hubby. So, although i know how upset you are with bf right now, perhaps it would be a good idea not to pack so quickly. Put yourself in his situation. It seems like divorced father's live with an indescribable amount of ''guiltiness towards their children'' and because they will do anything in the world not to rock the boat with them, they will act like your bf is acting now. You have been with this man for eight years. You have invested a lot of time in this relationship. Do you really, really, want to give all this energy you have devoted to this relationship, because your bf's son is ignorant towards you? Let him be! Ignore him. Disengage. Be good to yourself. Don't let him ruin your life. Keep posting....See Moreimamommy
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