Oh inc.... that must hurt. Although you didn't ask for advice, if I am to give some it would be to keep calm. I don't think your son is choosing your dad over you as much as longing for a relationship with his dad.

And, if it's any consolation, this is one of my biggest fears...

((((hugs))))

I'm really sorry that your feelings were hurt--it sounds like a painful conversation. I think Silversword is right, and that it's more that he wants a relationship with his dad that he doesn't have. Plus he probably can't really envision what it would be like without you around every day. He may think he can, but I doubt he really can. It's too easy for a kid (or even some adults) to gloss over all the good and great everyday things and not realize how different life would be without them.

It sounds to me as if your son still thinks that living with his father is up for consideration? I think that maybe you just need to tell him that he's living with you, it's not up for discussion, and it's not going to change. And don't give him the reasons, because if he's given the reasons he'll think it's open to debate. You know that there are a lot of reasons why his dad isn't suitable for custody, but your son is going to look for ways to get around every reason you have. If he thinks that he can counter your reasons and change the situation, it's just prolonging his hope for something that won't happen.

Maybe tell him that it sounds like he's missing his dad, and maybe you can help him plan some time with him?

Cause Sovra is right I think. You can't really outline why it wouldn't work in terms that he could understand or accept because he's just not old enough. All you can do is keep on being stable and loving and try to help him realize what's going on without it being to painful for the poor guy.

Incognitomom, I feel badly for you. Even though I'm sure your son doesn't mean it, you must feel like the prodigal son's brother, the one who works hard and takes care of the responsibilities day after day, and is taken for granted.

You don't say how old your son is now. If you feel he's old enough to understand, and he's being fed misinformation by his father (he doesn't "get to choose" where he lives at age 13!) you might want to explain how you came to have primary custody (the judge is a professional who decides what's best for kids, and decided what was best for him was to live with you). As sovra said, the details aren't important; what's important is that the decision was made by (presumably) someone else and it's not open for debate, but perhaps you may be willing to try to allow him extra time with his father IF you feel that it's appropriate.

I feel bad for you...But unfortunately when parents are divorced kids can't live with both, so whoever they don't live with ends up suffering. And most of the time 50/50 does not work.

My DD lived with me most of the time but was always very involved with her dad, he provided a stable home, not less stable than mine at all. I would be very sad if my DD chose not to live with me, but there was never any guarantee. I think there is never any guarantee when we get divorced. :(

I think I woudl talk to ex explaining how he needs to see his son more and how he needs to be more involved with his son. It is unfair that parents who don't even see their kids, think they should get custody when they feel like it. Nice...how about being a parent first?

Sorry for what you're going through -- I know how much it hurts, having lived through that exact situation. And sad to say, you may end up 'losing' this one in the conventional sense, because:

a) Many young boys really DO want to live with their fathers around the time of puberty and pre-adulthood, given all the weird stuff they're experiencing physically and emotionally and their general anxiousness with girls... and

b) Depending on your state, many kids practically DO get to choose which parent they'll live with when they hit 12 or 13, and

c) It would take more than a 'minor' mental health and criminal history to get most judges to over-ride a teen's stated wishes in those states. In our state at least, 'the best interests of the child' are not the over-riding factor once a kid reaches that age...

I'd advise you to check with a lawyer to see if the above is true for your state -- Sadly, it was the case for mine, and my son did end up moving in with his dad. If your eventual (post 13) legal position is not a strong one, I'd suggest you try to avoid a confrontation and stall, stall, stall.

When (if) the issue comes up, in writing, ask your Ex. to get an appropriately-sized apartment or house in your school district where DS won't have to change schools and make all new friends. Ask that he agree to not have lady-friends sleep over while DS lives there. Ask that he promise not to do whatever it was that got him into legal trouble, and that he seek/continue to receive treatment for his mental health issues. And intimate that you would be open to allowing DS to move in with Dad (without a nasty custody battle) if Dad agrees to your 'best interests of the child' conditions (but that if Dad won't agree, you'll fight like a Mamma Grizzly).