Popi, I think you missed the point in a big way. Scarlett didn't say her gran lived without affection, he just didn't talk about it. A lot of men are uncomfortable talking about it. If your partner SHOWS you affection, is considerate and makes you happy, do the words matter? I'm not talking about 'comfortable housemates' here, but real love and understanding, without words. I know a lot of people want/need to hear it, unfortunately a lot of women, through what, insecurity, hard-wiring/genetics whatever will paint a man into a corner wanting to hear what he may feel but is uncomfortable saying. That can cause some people to react negatively, when cornered. Some people just don't like to verbalise. It is learned behaviour to some extent and if it extends to other things (communication is, after all, important) then it's an issue, but don't expect everyone to respond in exactly the way you want them to. They are not clones of you, but individuals. Don't try to remake them in your image. Trust your gut feelings. Do they make you happy? Are they demonstrative? Considerate? Loving in deeds? Then maybe the words are not always so important. On the other hand if one of you is feeling uncomfortable or unhappy or unloved, then it's a problem for both of you. My second wife and I express our love for each other pretty much every day, and mean it, and demonstrate it in gestures also. We are tactile and don't just touch/get physical when we're going to have sex. That I think is kind of key, if that's the only time there's a hug, then it's a problem. My ex was a lot like that, when I gave her a hug most of the time her arms were folded. When I was leaving her my eldest daughter and I had a long talk, and I asked her if she'd ever seen her mother and I do the things together other mums and dads do, holding hands etc, and she thought about it and answered no, she hadn't. A big light bulb moment for her and a huge help in her accepting her stepmother. It took a few false starts but even early on, she told her that she was ok because she could see that she made me happy. That meant a lot to all of us, and now they get along very well. At times I think daughter can see the night and day difference, and at times I think wishes her mother was more like her stepmother, not to be nasty but she has deep emotional issues that she will never address. I thoroughly recommend therapy, individually and as couples, to pretty much everyone. I think there would be very few people who wouldn't benefit.

Possible? Emotionally abusive? Definitely! Physically and emotionally abusive! Restricting your movements, restricting your food, stalking you- that's physical abuse, he doesn't have to hit you. Surely you have friends or family somewhere. Call someone, get out of there with your children, and go to a women's shelter. Move to another city/state/country if you have to, there are women's shelters in many places.

Hello I'm sorry if I have offended some people with my comments. I don't think I explained my situation very well and, as we are all prone to doing when we are feeling down, I focused too much on the negative in my posts. I hope that in not having put my best foot forward I haven't messed up my chances of being able to use the forum to offer and receive support in the future. I certainly didn't want to upset anyone. Hoping to clear up a few issues of doubt (my fault for not making it clearer): 1. I have no problem at all with my partner calling his kids once a day. Twice a day. Whenever he needs to. I should have made it clear that my gripe was with my partner usually calling his ex-wife when his kids aren't even there. This is his right, as their father, to ask about their well-being, but I happen to know that the conversations are rarely limited to his kids. I simply ask him not to hide these calls from me because it creates suspicion where there doesn't need to be any. when he calls her in fron tof me i leave the room. i respect his privacy. But there is no place for hiding stuff in a partnership. he does not HAVE to hide calls to his kids from me in any way shape or form. I'm sorry if my post gave that impression. 2. With regard to the financial situation. My ex gives me as much as he can, which is enough for us to get by on if I work. I have to work to raise my kids. I have always worked. I'm not looking for a free lunch from anyone. My problem with my partner is that his ex has refused to look for work for two years now. We have been struggling because the money he has left after giving 70% of his salary (his choice, not court imposed) to his ex does not cover what we spend and we do NOT live a life of luxury. I appreciate that he has to pay for his kids and compensate his ex for her loss of income due to their divorce. But it's tough when you are both working so hard to make ends meet (actually not BOTH...three of us..because my ex also works hard) and your partner's ex can run up three hundred dollar phone bills in a month calling her latest guy...and you know you will end up footing the bill. This has happened. Things LIKE this happen too much. 3. His kids visiting. I will admit that I did not have a very clear concept of what this would be like for my kids. There are a lot more issues here than I went into in my posts. One of my children has Aspergers and we try to keep to a fairly a tight routine for him. This is not respected when his kids come. My kids are supposed to be in bed by nine but often, he is still here with his kids at this time and I end up having to virtually ask him to leave, which is really ugly. But when you are trying to hold lifer together as a working mom with four kids, things like getting them to bed on time are really important. Having two kids running around at this time makes things stressful when they don't need to be. Rules are not respected sometimes because tends to be soft on his kids. I understand this, when he has limited time with them adn doesn't want to be the bad guy. but it means that my kids get very confused about what is right and wrong. I take a back step and allow him to discipline his own kids but it's hard for mine to understand that there is one rule for them and one rule for my partner's kids. he feels his kids should have complete run of the house when they come. i say there are boundaries that should be respected, which are ONLY the same boundaries that I impose on my own kids, such as them not being allowed to take food without asking, such as the younger kids not being allowed into their older sister's bedroom without permission. To him, this is me not making them feel at home. 4. Vacations. I appreciate that my attitude seems selfish. OK, I admit that it is. I have tried to suggest us going on separate vacations. Last year we did that. We went away with his kids for six days to the beach while mine were with their dad at the beach. Then, when I wanted usto go away with my kids to the beach later in the Summer, he insisted we take his kids too because by taking mine away with us to stay with my friends who had invited us to their rented beach house for a week, my kids were then getting more days at the beach than kis because they had already had six days at the beach with their Dad. Things like that leave you with a bad taste in your mouth because everything gets painted like a competition. my kids are always painted as the lucky ones. I can't take them on a day trip without him insisting we do the same with his kids the following week. He is NOT expected to pay for these trips, by the way. I have familyin England. My whole family. I take my kids there once a year. I can't afford to take them all. I usually have to take one at a time for financial reasons but it is important for them to see their grandparents. What we keep on getting is that it's HIS kids' turn next. I find this really hard. I pay for these trips. Actually, the last few years my family have helped me out and paid for these trips. I would find it so hard to justify to my kids that I would take his kids to stay with THEIR grandparents, leaving them behind. OK, so his kids miss out on a plane trip. But they have all four grandparents down the street. We all have blessings and crosses to bear. They're not always the same. And yes, I am sadly doing my children a disservice a lot of the time because I am trying so hard to make this work and to make him happy and make his kids happy. I think maybe that is why I feel so resentful at times. And I'm glad that some of you have pointed that out to me. xx

Henry Kissinger once sat in the Oval Office with President Nixon, watching the President's Golden Retriever chew the rug. The President tossed the dog a treat. The dog ate the treat & then started on the rug again. The President tossed another treat. This went on for some time, & finally, Dr Kissinger could bear it no longer. "Mr President", he said, "do you realize that you are *training* that dog to chew on the rug?" Hubs is training son to chew on the rug. Does your hubs realize that this boy could end up in foster care & that you could end up in jail if a concerned passerby calls 911 when the boy pretends that you've hit him? & that, at nearly 11 years old, the boy is undoubtedly big enough to hurt you? This kid is way overdue for more responsibility than folding his own laundry & for facing the consequences of his own behavior. I wish you the best.