Inappropriate and crazy stepmother
lilysuzanne40
17 years ago
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organic_maureen
17 years agosunnygardenerme
17 years agoRelated Discussions
Termoil: Refusal to be around StepMother
Comments (102)fac3, Maybe you should try thinking of it a different way. And I apologize in advance if anything that follows offends you, but you asked for everything, and and if this is the same woman he cheated with when you were 2... From what you've described it sounds possible your mom may have a mental disorder that she kept hidden until after they were married, and the woman he thought he married never actually existed. This generally holds true for narcissist, borderline, bipolar and other similar personality disorders. Do you "walk on eggshells" around your mother? If so, that's a strong indication and you may want to read up on these. Then met TOW, and maybe to them, it wasn't JUST an affair, but when he asked for a divorce, your mother refused maybe even threatening what she would do to him and how she would punish his children--and he believed her too! So for the sake of his children, he put aside his own personal desires and chose you over her, to protect and keep his children from harm. So he bore the brunt of your mom's fury himself, mostly in silence, but that would explain also why he confided in you with some of those inappropriate adult conversations--because he needed someone, and never really had a wife or anyone else and he felt very alone. His only joy in life for 20 years was YOU. When his loneliness became too great to bear, he also sought comfort in the arms of another woman, but that was just "comfort sex," shallow and unfulfilling. It's no excuse but it is THE REASON. After the rest of his children moved on and you were ready as well, absent any further need of protection, he felt that after 20 years of abuse, he could not see himself living that way, all alone with his tormenter for the rest of his life. He fulfilled his obligations, and after all that, didn't he deserve some happiness by finally being with someone he loved, and returned his love? This is no justification for cheating, but there is also a reason it is called FALLING in love, because that's what happens. We fall, and there's no way to stop ourselves. That's why it's better not to place yourself in the path of temptation. Maybe your dad and TOW fell in love those many long years ago, madly, desperately and hopelessly. When your dad chose you over her, she made some very bad choices as broken-hearted people tend to do. For all you know, at one time she may have had high standards and morals which your dad convinced her to set aside for him, promising he would take protect and care for her, and when he didn't she fell by the wayside, and went into a downward spiral. If your dad loved her, he should have protected her too! Instead now, he feels guilty for having abandoned her, the woman he never stopped loving, and is now extremely protective because he feels responsible--and that's because he IS responsible. His entire life has been one of obligations and responsibilities, and she is the one obligation he made that he didn't fulfill. Instead he left her out in the cold, all alone, to be made the subject of ridicule and abuse, he's regretted it ever since. He's not about to make that same mistake, ever again! And now the daughter who he loved deeply that he made this sacrifice for is the very one he must protect her from. Every single day, he is probably regretting he didn't leave your mom long ago--and maybe he should have! If he didn't love her, he should freed her to find love with someone else. We each only have 1 life, and none of us should live it trapped in a loveless marriage. He has obligated himself to her now voluntarily, and dedicated himself to sheilding and protecting her, just like he with you--only you have your own husband and in no further need of your dad's protection--she is now his primary responsibility. If you can't see how you are putting him in a very bad position by attempting to convince him to exclude his wife, then it might help to consider that even the most dispicable amount us, those who embody the very essence of evil, namely "sociopaths" and "psychopaths," are nice and even kind to those who care about and treat them well--and that doesn't take any effort whatsoever because that's in their own best interest. What separates them from the rest of us is that they lack the ability to EMPATHIZE--to truely place oneself in another's shoes to gain an awareness of their thoughts, emotions and behavior, even those you don't agree with and even those you find distressing until you find some way to relate and care about them, at least enough to be compassionate and considerate. It's what gives us the ability to "treat others as we wish to be treated ourselves" even people we don't like, even people who do things we feel are wrong. You are only seeing him as your father, and not the entire man as an individual human being, with all the same flaws and human weaknesses, along with the same emotions to be happy with a mate who is his alone to love and cherish, with whom he can enjoy the passions of intimate love, and find the place where he belongs and can call home. Even from what you've said, he never had that with your mom. But hey! I could be wrong, maybe your dad's a good person who made some mistakes and poor choices, or he's a dog! You can decide that for yourself, but if he's not going to change his mind, and you can't find some way to empathize and compromise to include her in some way, then the only resolution I can see is for you and your dad to go your separate ways. But I hope that's not going to happen....See MoreMy Stepmother is a NUT
Comments (20)FD, I am the least interfering mother you would ever meet. I know I come off as uptight, but really I'm not so much. I don't call while she's there, literally last summer we talked on the phone maybe two-three times, and that was because X called me for whatever reason. I've talked to her twice since she's been there, but she's been sick... and both times it was because X called me to update me on her status. And, a lot of the drama in the past day has circled around that drama. Yes... there's more. DD had to go to the doctor, Gpa was supposed to take her but delegated to Smom, who gave totally conflicting info to X and I, and then said she couldn't fill the prescription because she "didn't have the money". LOL x a million. We have insurance, the doctor is 2 blocks from her house, and she lives off my dad's money. That was pretty much the last straw for me. I know the interfering mother. She's my DH's ExW. She calls 4-5x a day "what are you doing... now what are you doing... and now what are you doing...". It's crazy-making!! Let the kid make her own time. She loves you. She knows you're her mom. Now butt the heck out and let her have her own experiences!! X... well, he's an adult, yes. In most aspects. While he means well, and is a good father, he is really bad at interpersonal communications. I've told him that I support his stance on my family, and that if they don't listen I will step in. But, I'm not there, I didn't experience it first hand so I'm not the front-fighter, he is... but I'm not going to stand by if it continues either... and here we are. The behavior has continued, and it's not ok. And Smom is not an adult. She is the biggest princess you'd ever meet. AND, X had some work contracts that came up suddenly during this time, so he's gone most of the day, unfortunatly, so she has to stay with either WBSM or Gpa/Sgma or or or. HAHAHAHAHAHA on the wild parties. I haven't had a party in ages, and have no desire to go anywhere. I skipped the gym and I've been in my jammies all day (ALL DAY!!!) and am enjoying Pretty Woman on TV and a nice glass of vodka and fresh orange juice. I had popcorn for dinner. I'm slumming it. :)...See MoreStepmother from hell
Comments (23)Hi, Wow..your story is so similar to mine as far as how your step mother is acting. My mom passed away 2 years ago after a lengthy battle with COPD and kidney failure. My dad checked out of their relationship emotionally quite a few years ago, but stayed with my mom out of pure loyalty. He also was never a really good father, or grandfather either. 2 months after my mom passed, my dad started living with a woman he met on an online dating site. She had just lost her husband a few months prior, and it seemed they had quite a bit in common. I struggled with his new relationship at first, and wondered how in the world he could move on while the tears from my moms funeral were still fresh in my eyes. I decided that my dad couldn't spend the rest of his life alone, so I gave his new woman a chance. We got along really well at first- and she was eager to meet and care for my two young kids as she was not allowed to visit her only grandchild. I didn't really dig into the reason why at the time, but I wish I had. The first entire year we knew her, she showered us with gifts, household items, money if we needed it- my daughter had so many gifts for Christmas that year that she got tired of opening them. She even loaned my sister some expensive luggage to take on a trip to California. She encouraged us to visit my dad, and said she would never try to replace my mom, but wanted her own relationship with us. A few months into their relationship, my dad had to have a 5 bypass heart surgery. The surgery was at my dads girlfriends urging. He proposed to her just before he went under anesthesia, and made her his DPOA. Then, the alienation started, with my younger sister. Shortly before my dad met this woman, my dad discovered that he could "keep" my mom's life insurance money. Before then, we were under the impression that we would have to give it all back to the state to pay for her time in all the different nursing homes. My dad called each one of us kids and told us that 20,000 dollars would be coming our way. He set it up with his bank, who informed him to only take small amounts out each time. So we each got 1000 to start with, and were told when we needed the rest to let my dad know. Shortly after my dad moved in with his new fling, each of us kids were informed that the money was going to stop, and all of the rest would be going to pay for my dad's medical bills. I was disappointed, but understood that dad needed to pay for his bills. My sister was irate- and called wanting to talk to my dad. She was angry, and before she could say much, my dad's now fiancee grabbed the phone away and scolded her for making my dad upset because he had just had surgery. Things got worse from there. It ended in names being exchanged, and my dad's fiancee reminding my sister that she needed to return her luggage. I understood my dad's fiancee's point, and agreed that my sister should return her luggage and should never have acted that way. From that day on- that's all we heard about "Your sister is a thief and won't return my luggage." then it went to my sister was an alcoholic and probably sold the luggage to pay for beer. Before long, my sister was a piece of crap, a thief, and no one should trust her. A few months after that whole fiasco, I became pregnant. My dad's fiancee jumped all over that, refused to let me even drive to my appointments, and demanded that I let her take me to every one. She even bought me lunch afterwards. We started becoming close, and I allowed her into the sonogram room and even into the exam room when I had my appointments- I told people she was my mom. When it came time for the baby shower- she took control of it all and pretty much wouldn't even let my mother in law help. Everything was over the top- and I didn't even really bat an eye. A few months after my son was born, we had a family crisis. My sister felt like she had lost my dad, didn't get along at all with his fiancee, and felt completely alone. She threatened to commit suicide. I called my dad, pleading with him to get in contact with my sister, and instead he told his fiancee. She right away got on the phone and set up a trip to go see her- my kids and all. Asked me if I could be ready to go the next morning, and we did. When we got back from the trip to see my sister, everything changed. The once happy, carefree, go getting, loving woman that I thought was with my dad flipped a 360. Every time I called or wanted to stop by, it was like I was bothering her. If I called asking if my dad and her wanted to watch the kids, I was bothering her. Then she started sending all of the kids things she had at her house home to me My dad started having the same cold attitude towards me. One day, I got tired of walking on eggshells and asked: Whats going on? What has changed? She pretty much laid into me about how horrible of a person I was- I never thank them for anything they do, don't return things, I'm just trying to take my dad's money..and it went on and on. I was in tears by the end of it. We hadn't had any communication between the two of us until a few days ago when she sent me an 8 page handwritten letter- again telling me how horrible, selfish, etc. I was. I read the letter to my mother in law, brother, and husband, then threw it away. My dad married this woman about a month ago-in what he told me was a private ceremony with just one of my uncles and my grandma there. Found out yesterday both of her children were allowed to be there. I'm hurt, and feel like I've lost my father.....See MoreStepmother desperately needs HELP!!!!!!
Comments (2)Hi Kay.....Welcome. I think if I were in your shoes I might try a couple of things with both SDs, altering things a bit to suit the ages of each. I would have a meeting with all of you, (husband and his daughters) and put a few things out on the table. If I had children, grown or not, that would not respect my husband, I believe the conversation would go something like this.... To the 23 yr. old.." I do not understand why you would choose to treat the man that I love with such disrespect. If you love and respect me you will not continue to do this. You are behaving in a mean and spiteful way and it is bound to affect our relationship. Although I love you with all of heart and that will never change I can't continue to put up with this. If you can't work it out on your own I suggest that you get counseling and I would be happy to participate in that with you. If you choose not to do anything about your treatment of my husband then our relationship, as much as it breaks my heart, will have change. You and I can't be close if you are choosing to treat my husband, the man that I love, in this manner. Please consider what I said and remember, from now on I will not tolerate disrespect towards my husband from you." I would encourage a heart to heart with the oldest to see if she will open up to you. If not if would give you the chance to tell her that you don't understand why she is treating you the way that she is and would she please tell you what she is angry or hurt about. Let her know that it is your desire to have a good relationship with her and she can set the boundaries for that but you won't present yourself as a whipping post for her. That is over. The 10 year old needs a good talking to and perhaps your husband and her mother should sit down first. The same principals apply to her as the older daughter with the understanding that she is 10. I suggest counseling again. I would apply some punishment for the 10 year olds behavior. If her mom doesn't have a problem with her or she doesn't behave that way towards her then set up your own system in your home. Husband needs to lay down the law with this one and attach privileges to good behavior. No disrespect towards you should be tolerated, any should be addressed and discipline should follow. You can talk with her also. Be honest about how she makes you feel but don't allow her to have power over you. I remember telling my SD33, who lived with my ex and me for 13 years, that I didn't marry her dad for her love and if she never loved me I could live with that but she would treat me with respect. It was not a choice, it was not a request it was an order. She and I have a wonderful relationship now. I wish you the best. I'm sure that you will get great advice here. These women ( and some men) have a lot to offer....See Morejackiehammack
10 years agoemma
10 years agokkny
10 years agoNadineV
10 years agocolleenoz
10 years agoemma
10 years agoMom-of-all-trades
9 years ago
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