Inappropriate and crazy stepmother

17 years ago

I'd love to only have to deal with normal family difficulties. I think my stepmother has officially slipped a cog.

This weekend, she and my dad attended the funeral for a longtime family friend. Immediately after the service, when everyone was still gathered around, she approached my uncle and began yelling at him for "turning my husband's children and family against him."

She repeatedly demanded an apology (to her) for his alleged actions. She refused to be shushed, even by my dad, and eventually he dragged her away practically kicking and screaming.

Is it wrong to wish that they would just get a divorce?

Featured Answer

viv4

9 years ago

My own, very dear sweet biological mother had an angry melt down directed at me at a family funeral. We all just chalked it up to stress, sadness, etc. I forgave her in a few days.

So, why is it when stepmothers have similar emotional responses they are automatically vilified ?

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Comments (10)

organic_maureen
17 years ago
I'm so sorry for your family. Terrible behavior on your stepmother's part. So much anger these women harbor... When I first read your original post, my heart sunk, as your story is so similar to mine. There are a few stepmothers who really destroy the entire family unit. I think the lack of self confidence over takes any common sense or logic. They see themselves as victim as evidenced by your SM's demand for an apology, with no regard for anyone else. My SM excluded me from my dad's 70th bday party. Two months before the party I was told I wouldn't be invited. I have no siblings, grandparents, aunts,uncles or children of my own. Basically just my dad and my husband's family.. I was heartbroken. I understand your pain and although many can't really understand this side of the coin, it does exist and it's a terrible ordeal no matter how adult you are...
sunnygardenerme
17 years ago
Yes, I agree that SM was out of line, however, what has happened in the past to make her feel left out, disrespect, and not loved? I have never blown up at anyone, however, as a step mother I have felt frustrated, unloved, unwanted, disrespect, stepped on, left out, ignored by my step children. They have manipulated and hurt my DH and I so many times I cannot count them. And just when I think things are fine, here they come again with another hurtful manipulating attempt to cause friction in our marriage. I get so tried and frustrated that deep down inside I feel like letting go and yelling at someone. It is stressful being a step mother. I have always been loved, liked, embraced by all people I have met in my life (over 45 years). However, not with these step kids. I have tried and tried, but nothing is good enough and they continue to attempt to make our marriage difficult. If the SKs only realized that when they hurt me they hurt their father maybe they would let up. Just keep all of this in mind before you totally condem you SM. She has probably been through alot.
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Be careful. From a 9 year (official - 11 year unofficial) veteran stepmom, it sounds like he is following the ultimate blended family killer "happy family, because you are going to replace his mother and sacrifice and feel just like she does about him" LIE. Trust me, we are still licking our wounds from trying to follow that fairy tale dream. If I hadn't listened to other people telling me how I should become their mother and change their bad habits, I think my relationship with my stepdaughters (now teenagers) would have been much stronger, now. I do love them, and they do love me, but because of my lack of understanding of my role with them for years, there are still sore spots. I wish someone had said this to me at the beginning: "You are NOT their mother nor will you EVER be, so their upbringing is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! Do an imaginary head shake and butt out! Their bad behaviors and habits have absolutely nothing to do with you. It is a reflection of their parents' shortcomings." Although you might (big might) grow to love this child over time, your relationship with this child needs to be given LOTS of room, which it doesn't sound like his father is allowing. You can't force anyone to love. The child has been hurt by a broken family, and he is like a little injured animal. Expect him to snap and snarl at you a bit before he learns to trust your intentions. You and your man can set basic "living together" boundaries WHICH YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND ENFORCES (such as don't take stuff without asking, everyone gets to feel safe, and speak to all with respect even if you don't feel like it.) Other than being behind the scenes helping your husband realize you all need those basic boundaries, STAY OUT OF IT - it's not your kid. Anger is all part of the healing process. It will take sometimes years for them to learn to trust. It will also take years for their father to trust that you have actually learned to love his child. It may take years for you to really love the child as your own. And if it never happens, it shouldn't have any bearing on your love for your future husband, as long as everyone is cordial when they are together. Just understand that his love for the child is intense, and he is going to do some things that seem unreasonable to you. It's called love. Your tongue will develop a permanent callus from biting it constantly when your future stepson is around. If it is too much, develop a retreating place where you can write out your thoughts and think of a solution without crushing any relationships. A little ray of hope: A new baby helped us realize the stupid fairy tale LIE (call it like it is!), and in spite of their mother telling them that we would abandon them now that we were having another child (yes, she is another story entirely), we finally convinced them that they were and always will be important to us. They were allowed to witness their sister's birth (from an appropriate angle - great birth control, by the way). Both moved in with us (although one has moved back to the land of no rules). They continue to smother their sister with love. She is now four years old, and I've had to beg her big sisters to stop buying her junk. The love they have shown her has increased my love for them exponentially. I finally feel true intense love for my stepdaughters. My youngest stepdaughter, unfortunately, is still reeling from the pain and lack of trust caused by that horrible fairy tale LIE, and is still suffering self-incurred damages. Please pray for her. This year, my oldest stepdaughter gave me a card for my birthday thanking me for being like a mother to her. After eleven years of struggling, that one little card made it all worthwhile. I just hope my relationship with my youngest stepdaughter, and her relationship with herself and others is salvageable. Tell people who look critically your possible future stepson's behavior that you are sorry his behavior offends them, but it's really none of their business or yours (So stick it where the sun doesn't shine!) Good luck in your discussion and decision making.
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jackiehammack
10 years ago
my stepmother is crazy my dad had a stroke and is in a rehabilation center for stroke recovery and my sister has not been up there to see him because she has been busy working and doing other things so when she called my stepmother to tell her she was going to see our dad my stepmother called her namesand she had no right going up there besides he was going to have some tests done and so my sister says she will be up there tuesday and my stepmother said she did not want my sister there i am tired of my stepmother she has been nothing but troubled and it makes me wanna say to her it is not like your messed up trying to meet a married man while your still married to my dad and making my dad meet him i wanna kill her i know my dad loves her but he does not see what she is and who she is how could have married a woman like that
emma
10 years ago
My step grand daughter said she was glad her mom and dad got a divorce. The fighting stopped.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Sun, Sep 15, 13 at 22:01
kkny
10 years ago
EmmaR -- not certain what that comment has to do with this topic.

Sunny -- Even if SM was not made to feel welcome, to discuss at funeral is really not nice.
NadineV
10 years ago
It was inappropriate what happened at the funeral, your SM really did lose control of herself. Not knowing her side or anything I cannot speak for her however, was she close to the one who passed away? Grief can affect some people badly so that they aren't rational and they displace their pain onto someone else. She may possibly be grieving and just not reacting well to it. If not, well then... What a nasty thing to do at someone's funeral while everyone else is emotionally distressed.
colleenoz
10 years ago
Am I the only one who noticed the funeral was almost 7 years ago?
emma
10 years ago
It's about "sometimes divorce is better" for everyone.
Mom-of-all-trades
9 years ago
I did notice that this is an old post but the SM did exhibit bad behavior. It is inappropriate under any circumstances. My ex husband has very few family members supporting him because his wife is putting a wedge between them.

The latest is a doozy! My ex's niece is coming to visit from out of state. His wife does not work. She TOLD my son and daughter-in-law that the niece will be staying with them because she did not want to feel like she had to take care of her child. It is a visit during weekdays. Both my son and DIL work. The poor niece's parents passed away tragically when she was barely 20. Nice "aunt".

Inappropriate and crazy stepmother

viv4

Comments (10)

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