Inappropriate and crazy stepmother
lilysuzanne40
17 years ago
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organic_maureen
17 years agosunnygardenerme
17 years agoRelated Discussions
Termoil: Refusal to be around StepMother
Comments (102)fac3, Maybe you should try thinking of it a different way. And I apologize in advance if anything that follows offends you, but you asked for everything, and and if this is the same woman he cheated with when you were 2... From what you've described it sounds possible your mom may have a mental disorder that she kept hidden until after they were married, and the woman he thought he married never actually existed. This generally holds true for narcissist, borderline, bipolar and other similar personality disorders. Do you "walk on eggshells" around your mother? If so, that's a strong indication and you may want to read up on these. Then met TOW, and maybe to them, it wasn't JUST an affair, but when he asked for a divorce, your mother refused maybe even threatening what she would do to him and how she would punish his children--and he believed her too! So for the sake of his children, he put aside his own personal desires and chose you over her, to protect and keep his children from harm. So he bore the brunt of your mom's fury himself, mostly in silence, but that would explain also why he confided in you with some of those inappropriate adult conversations--because he needed someone, and never really had a wife or anyone else and he felt very alone. His only joy in life for 20 years was YOU. When his loneliness became too great to bear, he also sought comfort in the arms of another woman, but that was just "comfort sex," shallow and unfulfilling. It's no excuse but it is THE REASON. After the rest of his children moved on and you were ready as well, absent any further need of protection, he felt that after 20 years of abuse, he could not see himself living that way, all alone with his tormenter for the rest of his life. He fulfilled his obligations, and after all that, didn't he deserve some happiness by finally being with someone he loved, and returned his love? This is no justification for cheating, but there is also a reason it is called FALLING in love, because that's what happens. We fall, and there's no way to stop ourselves. That's why it's better not to place yourself in the path of temptation. Maybe your dad and TOW fell in love those many long years ago, madly, desperately and hopelessly. When your dad chose you over her, she made some very bad choices as broken-hearted people tend to do. For all you know, at one time she may have had high standards and morals which your dad convinced her to set aside for him, promising he would take protect and care for her, and when he didn't she fell by the wayside, and went into a downward spiral. If your dad loved her, he should have protected her too! Instead now, he feels guilty for having abandoned her, the woman he never stopped loving, and is now extremely protective because he feels responsible--and that's because he IS responsible. His entire life has been one of obligations and responsibilities, and she is the one obligation he made that he didn't fulfill. Instead he left her out in the cold, all alone, to be made the subject of ridicule and abuse, he's regretted it ever since. He's not about to make that same mistake, ever again! And now the daughter who he loved deeply that he made this sacrifice for is the very one he must protect her from. Every single day, he is probably regretting he didn't leave your mom long ago--and maybe he should have! If he didn't love her, he should freed her to find love with someone else. We each only have 1 life, and none of us should live it trapped in a loveless marriage. He has obligated himself to her now voluntarily, and dedicated himself to sheilding and protecting her, just like he with you--only you have your own husband and in no further need of your dad's protection--she is now his primary responsibility. If you can't see how you are putting him in a very bad position by attempting to convince him to exclude his wife, then it might help to consider that even the most dispicable amount us, those who embody the very essence of evil, namely "sociopaths" and "psychopaths," are nice and even kind to those who care about and treat them well--and that doesn't take any effort whatsoever because that's in their own best interest. What separates them from the rest of us is that they lack the ability to EMPATHIZE--to truely place oneself in another's shoes to gain an awareness of their thoughts, emotions and behavior, even those you don't agree with and even those you find distressing until you find some way to relate and care about them, at least enough to be compassionate and considerate. It's what gives us the ability to "treat others as we wish to be treated ourselves" even people we don't like, even people who do things we feel are wrong. You are only seeing him as your father, and not the entire man as an individual human being, with all the same flaws and human weaknesses, along with the same emotions to be happy with a mate who is his alone to love and cherish, with whom he can enjoy the passions of intimate love, and find the place where he belongs and can call home. Even from what you've said, he never had that with your mom. But hey! I could be wrong, maybe your dad's a good person who made some mistakes and poor choices, or he's a dog! You can decide that for yourself, but if he's not going to change his mind, and you can't find some way to empathize and compromise to include her in some way, then the only resolution I can see is for you and your dad to go your separate ways. But I hope that's not going to happen....See MoreMy Stepmother is a NUT
Comments (20)FD, I am the least interfering mother you would ever meet. I know I come off as uptight, but really I'm not so much. I don't call while she's there, literally last summer we talked on the phone maybe two-three times, and that was because X called me for whatever reason. I've talked to her twice since she's been there, but she's been sick... and both times it was because X called me to update me on her status. And, a lot of the drama in the past day has circled around that drama. Yes... there's more. DD had to go to the doctor, Gpa was supposed to take her but delegated to Smom, who gave totally conflicting info to X and I, and then said she couldn't fill the prescription because she "didn't have the money". LOL x a million. We have insurance, the doctor is 2 blocks from her house, and she lives off my dad's money. That was pretty much the last straw for me. I know the interfering mother. She's my DH's ExW. She calls 4-5x a day "what are you doing... now what are you doing... and now what are you doing...". It's crazy-making!! Let the kid make her own time. She loves you. She knows you're her mom. Now butt the heck out and let her have her own experiences!! X... well, he's an adult, yes. In most aspects. While he means well, and is a good father, he is really bad at interpersonal communications. I've told him that I support his stance on my family, and that if they don't listen I will step in. But, I'm not there, I didn't experience it first hand so I'm not the front-fighter, he is... but I'm not going to stand by if it continues either... and here we are. The behavior has continued, and it's not ok. And Smom is not an adult. She is the biggest princess you'd ever meet. AND, X had some work contracts that came up suddenly during this time, so he's gone most of the day, unfortunatly, so she has to stay with either WBSM or Gpa/Sgma or or or. HAHAHAHAHAHA on the wild parties. I haven't had a party in ages, and have no desire to go anywhere. I skipped the gym and I've been in my jammies all day (ALL DAY!!!) and am enjoying Pretty Woman on TV and a nice glass of vodka and fresh orange juice. I had popcorn for dinner. I'm slumming it. :)...See MoreStepmother Issues. Need Help Please!
Comments (10)I agree with incognitiomom. There is SEVERE insecurity coming from your wife's side and she is attempting to manipulate a situation that just cannot be controlled. She is fighting a losing battle and doesnt even know it because regardless of all her detective efforts your son is going to contact his mother and he has every right to do so. Her biggest problem seems to be that she is furious of the fact that you had a life before her. And thats the bottom line. I know sometimes I get a bit angry when I think about my BF and his exwife and that shudder of a thought creeps into my mind: "Ugh, you procreated with that woman?!" (lol) But oh well, right? Whats done is done. This isnt a Cher video and there is no turning back time. So you accept the fruits of the previous relationship and you try to hold on to your sanity while you make all kinds of mistakes on this "parenting thing." I, as a SP, often have a hard time adjusting and sometimes catch myself enforcing the desire to accept things that are not within my control. I would NEVER speak badly about their mother to them, and I would NEVER put my man in the middle of a its me or the kids battle. Sometimes when his daughter is telling me about her mom and this and that I have to smile and nod and give no sign that I am struggling to not wish death on her (lol). It stings like hell sometimes, but hey, its got to be done. My BF only communicates with the ex via text message and only when its about the kids, and I�m not bothered at all by this. I am not insecure in my relationship as I know what I have with him, so this causes me to wonder why your wife feels so THREATENED. Understand that I am not pointing a finger at you saying that its your fault she feels this way, I am just musing aloud (or rather, via keyboard) using what goes through my head at times as a measuring tool. The whole point is that your ex will be some part of your life FOREVER and there is nothing your wife can do to alter that fact. It may be a thorn in her side for all eternity, but the ironic thing is is that she is the only one making it worse for herself. The day she realizes I dont need to let this bother me so much will be the happiest day of her life, and apparently, yours. I would continue to reinforce to your son that you love him very much and that you understand his frustrations and that he is entitled to feel the way he does. You are in a hard position because although I know your main job is to protect your child, I also understand that you love your wife and that you want to have both. My response is something you may not want to hear: in the end, you may not be able to. Counseling is DEFINITELY the way to go for this situation. You will be damned either way so youre gonna need some back up with this one. On one hand you have the path where you may have to pack your bags, or risk losing a relationship with your son, cause once hes 18 Im sure he will hit the road and not look back! One the other, the therapist may get her to see that if she truly loves you shes going to have to let go of some of that control freak nature as well as opening her heart for some acceptance of a situation that she WILL NOT be able to change. Some serious behavior modification is going to have to take place. Only when this happens will you have peace. I wish you the utmost luck!...See Moreif I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
Comments (197)So typical for the women to be fighting. And so typical for the men to be absent, big-hearted, out of touch, clumsy, passive and will do anything to avoid confrontation. Ask yourself this, as women: Would you allow your grown children to treat your spouse with disrespect? Would you allow your spouse to treat your children with disrespect? One example in the original post, was that the stepmother controlled every second of the father's time, and didn't allow him to speak on the phone with his children. How many women would allow a spouse to ban then from speaking with their own kids? Women who would allow this need to call an abuse hotline. As women, we are nurturers and protectors. We are fierce about protecting those we love. We can mediate, moderate, set limits and still show our love without preference. Everyone knows how much we value them in our families. Showing love to one doesn't mean we have to abandon anyone else. I think this list for stepmothers to adult stepchildren is a surface reaction to the symptom. I could write an equal list of directives aimed at adult stepchildren. The problem as I see it, is the difference between men and women, how we think, what motivates us, how we deal with family. We expect men to think as we do. We don't understand when they don't. And in their absence, we square off and attack the opposing females. Then the men are forever victims, "stuck in the middle", like big, fence-riding whiners. Disengaging is a great tool many females in step-roles use. It's next in line to being married to a man who can actually love equally, be fair, have expectations and boundaries for the people in his family. I disengaged several years ago. I went from unsuccessfully trying to have a relationship with my stepchildren, who made it clear for many years that they weren't interested, to losing interest myself. It is unrewarding and defeating to continue trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. No more fighting. Part of disengaging means I am also not responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays, initiating visits to see his children, encouraging him to call them, etc. He and they are on their own to navigate their own relationship. They aren't banned from our home and are welcome to come, they just rarely ever do. Nobody is to blame, it's just often how these stepfamilies go when they don't work for everybody. I find it better when we lower our expectations, accept the reality (or not), and stop thinking that our lives will be glamorous if we all can just be one big happy family. Being one big happy family is no longer on my bucket list. If it happens, that's great. Will be another nut on my sundae, but that's about all....See Morejackiehammack
10 years agoemma
10 years agokkny
10 years agoNadineV
10 years agocolleenoz
10 years agoemma
10 years agoMom-of-all-trades
9 years ago
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