No, your not wrong. All the important things could be accomodated -- school, children, visiting dad. SM has to get to bed earlier and/or learn to use and alarm clock. And btw, IMHO, she's not doing your sibling any favors either -- this kid is going to have trouble getting up for school.

I hope all is OK with your dad.

Whether you are wrong or not, I think your sm is wrong to expect people to bend their life around her whims. The inconveniences are for her to endure, not everybody else. The solution is for her to rise at whatever hour is necessary to do what she needs to do. The very idea for her to ask your sister that *favor* is insane. "Everybody bow to my convenience" seems to be the way she thinks.

And I forgot to mention that getting my sibling to bed is no easy task. My dad and sm sleep with her and one of them has to go to bed at the same time as her because she will not go to bed on her own.

Oh my, that poor sister. Thought of all the kids plus a newborn all evening....I had enough trouble keeping up with two toddlers 18 months apart (DD and GS), I remembered real fast that there had been a reason I spaced my own children out, anyway....

I would have no problems telling SM that your door is open at 6am to take in your sibling and if that did not work for her she could always hire a sitter or find another relative to watch her little one. And I'd be guilt free.

Any OP procedures I or the husband have ever had meant getting up at 4ish and being at point of service between 5 and 7. Depending on procedure we'd be out and on our way home before noon. I understand SM wanting to be there with your dad, but I would not tolerate upsetting my own households schedule just so SM could laze around in bed a bit longer. Up and at 'em SM.

I think your SM is being extremely unreasonable here!

When you ask someone for a favor (like she is doing) then that person is the one who needs to make the situation accomodating for the person DOING the favor.

If I ask my mom to have DD overnight, I work out my schedule around HERS. I will drop my DD off at whatever time is convenient for my MOM. I will pick her up at whatever time in the morning is convenient for HER.

That is just common courtesy.

You are not wrong!

I am just so aggrevated with the situation. Last time my dad went in for a procedure they kept him overnight after for observation. My sm called me and asked me to keep my sis overnight so she could go to the hospital the next morning. She said she would bring over more diapers and stay till my sis went to bed. When she came over she dropped off stuff and then started to leave. I asked what happened to the staying to put her to bed and she said "well I have a coupon for the gambling boat and I thought since you were keeping your sis I would just go there now".

I was speechless. My hubby was livid after.

I used to really like my sm, but over the last few years I just dislike her. She sleeps all the time, my dads house is such a disaster I don't let our kids stay there, my sm spends so much my dad is in financial trouble right now, and really she is not teaching my little sis much. She is 3 and is treated like she is 1. And my sm gives her anything she wants when my sis cries and screams. And then my sm limits my dads time with me and his grandkids because she says he has obligations at home. Well he had kids and grandkids before she came into the picture! I am just venting I guess!

sounds like my sister-in-law.

she used to ask us babysit for 2 hours and then would show up 8 hours later.

she once invited me and DD (maybe 6 or 7 then, and her son was about 5)over on sunday (my brother was on a buisness trip) and said she will run to a grocery store across the road and will be back in a half an hour.

in about two hours i started to worry and call her on her cell, turns out she left cell at home, she called hours later saying that she had to meet somebody really quick and will be right back, then she called one more time that she is going to the movies. she came back at about 8PM.

it was sunday, i had to be at work next day early, DD had to go to school, i still had to get ready for work, do laundry etc. all this time we sat at their house an hour away from mine stuck wiht her son. she invited us over for lunch we came over at 11AM planning on leaving at 1PM the latest, ended up sitting there the whole day. SIL didn't work and her son didn't go to preschool.

she did it plenty of times to my dad asked to babysit for 2 hours and come back 8 hours later. bizzare.

your SM has to get her schedule in order. she can hire a babysitter.

and out of topic question...why do you call your sister-sibling. it sounds impersonal to me.

FD asked "and out of topic question...why do you call your sister-sibling. it sounds impersonal to me."

My guess (and this is only a guess) is because she was also going to talk about her adult sister and it would be easier to refer to toddler sister as "sibling".
I wondered that at first too, but as I got reading I thought "Wow, I'm glad she's not calling them both sister, I'd be so lost!"

I called her my sibling so it would not get confusing with me mentioning two of my other sisters.

While it's an inconvenience, what hasn't been mentioned is what YOUR DAD would like...

Whether she NEEDS to be at the hospital... Does he want his wife with him for this procedure?

The toddler sibling has TWO parents but I see SM being blamed for the poor sleep pattern... when dad apparently is okay with it too.

SM is also being called unreasonable but perhaps she is only half of the TEAM that wants someone to watch THEIR child and she is the one that happened to pick up the phone. I think DAD should have picked up the phone and called his own daughter to ask this favor.

It's also a one time event. Is anyone willing to bend so Dad can have his wife by his side?

Whether you're right or wrong isn't for anyone to say... IF it were me, I would ask myself some questions. Has your DAD and SM been there for you when you need a babysitter? Was it always convenient for them? Do favors go both ways?

Maybe I am coming from a different place than everyone else here because I watched my dad care for my vegetative stepmom for nearly 12 years before she passed away last year. I have watched my dad be alone and while I have my husband to hold my hand when I'm sick, my dad doesn't have anyone. I guess I would be grateful if he had a wife that wanted to be with him for moral support, even for a minor procedure.

Ima,

I think that SM has made her own bed -- from ealier post

"I am just so aggrevated with the situation. Last time my dad went in for a procedure they kept him overnight after for observation. My sm called me and asked me to keep my sis overnight so she could go to the hospital the next morning. She said she would bring over more diapers and stay till my sis went to bed. When she came over she dropped off stuff and then started to leave. I asked what happened to the staying to put her to bed and she said "well I have a coupon for the gambling boat and I thought since you were keeping your sis I would just go there now".

Yes, SM made her bed... but has Dad? I guess THAT is the question... is she doing this for SM or DAD? Only mom2emall can answer that, because only SHE knows all the details of HER life.

Ima, maybe your step relationships are all total saints, and your mom a total drunk and loser, but this seems different. Pople's choice of spouses is under their control. Dad chose this woman. You always ask that people respect their parents chose of spouses, but the flip side is that when parent choses a toxic partner, parent has to realize that toxic partner cant just step on people forever. Sounds to me that this is one day procedure, not dying dad. Sounds to me that SM could reasonable accomodate people.

kkny, I suppose you would let your dad go in for a procedure, even a minor one, if he chose someone that you feel is toxic.. that's YOUR choice.

As I mentioned, only OP knows her family and her life's details. If she has reason to say no, then she should not feel guilty to say no. They can hire a babysitter and they should have considered how to deal with these situations before they had a child. All of us that have children know that we have, at one time or another, had to give up things because we did not have childcare. I just didn't see anyone else pointing out that this child is not SM's child alone... Dad should have called his own daughter to ask the favor and SM is only half of this child's parents. It's not all on her, just because she made the call. If she has burned her bridges, so be it. I'm entitled to my point of view, just as you are too.

and what does my mom have to do with it?

No, I do help my mom out. But if she had an able bodied spouse, toxic or otherwise, I would see less need. SM could manage this, its entirely possible, but she choses not to.

I think you idealize step relationships.

You're right, only OP knows the entire story.

I don't see what the difference would be even if Dad had made the call. The OP states the reason the overnight request was made was so SM (and Dad) do not have to be up and out of the house by 6 am---which indicates SM and/or Dad want a offer but don't want to put herself/themselves out, just who she/he are asking the favor from.

Households are different. Families are different.

Frankly in my own family (immediate and extended) and household if my father was having a procedure today I would be there and husband would have taken day off to do the kid thing so that I could be. When I or the husband has had OP procedures my mom came to babysit and my sister went with us (just to be with the non-patient)---it's how my family is, it works for us, but I don't use what happens in family to base my 'advice' to others. If someone posts a 'want do ya think', 'any suggestions', blah blah....I try and base any response I might pop in and make on what OP actually has stated.

When my dad has had major surgery I have been at the hospital. This is just a minor procedure that he has been through before as a result of his transplant. It is not necessary for all of us to be at the hospital.

As for my stepmom I just think that she takes advantage of me and does nothing for herself. Instead of getting up an hour earlier on the day of the procedure she expects me to stay up all night the night before watching my sister. I believe it is more her issue than my fathers.

I think that her and my father are doing a disservice to my sister in making her a night owl and an all morning sleeper. I blame them both for that. But my dad may stay up late, but he gets up at a decent time each morning and works all day. My stepmom sleeps in all morning, gets up to do nothing, then naps with my sister later, and then does more of nothing. Their house is filthy and they order out food a lot. My dad is unhappy with it, but my stepmom freaks out when he brings it all up. If it were not for my sister they would not even be married.

I hope you dad does fine. Having surgery and working --

your SM sounds like my SIl a lot! just a type of a woman who completelly relies on a man in every aspect. and when a man is ill, then she relies on his family. My SIl is 45 and she only last year went to work the first time in her life. yeap, the house was never clean and food was not cooked and she never helped kids wiht homework etc. My brother would go crazy between the house and demanding professional job and children.

I wish your father the best, hope he feels better. It doesn't matter if she SM or someone else, she needs to grow up and be an adult. If a woman doesn't work then she needs to keep house clean and food cooked (or if a man is the one staying home). Unfair to demand from a man to work and take care of the house while she sleeps.

Yesterday I called my father while he was out working. He told me that he thinks they are just bringing my sister to the hospital because getting up an hour earlier is just too much.

I told him I am sorry it could not work, but explained how I felt. I also told him that honestly me and hubby were still a little sour about the last time we babysat while he was in the hospital and sm went out gambling. I asked him not to repeat that to sm though. He said he was suprised that she did that and it must be that she feels comfortable with me for her to act so irresponsible.

I did not agree with that, but just left well enough alone.

I hope all goes well for your dad.

I think you having straight direct (and honest) communication with your dad was the way to go. He knows from yourself the 'why and hows' and didn't get just Sm's version of what was going on and being said.

And who knows, maybe SM having to entertain and corral your little sister for a few hours or so in the waiting room all by herself might help her rethink things for any future times.

I don't know what all would be involved in having to get ready an hour earlier in dad's household, so I certainly can't 'judge', but to me it would not be that hard to get myself and spouse up and ready to go and then scoop up little one still in pjs and a blanket and drive a likely still sleeping child over to another house. You could have let sis go right back to sleep or dressed and fed her. But all homes are different and situations are different so I really have no clue if what works for me works for someone else.

But the important thing is you and your father have talked and he knows you were willing to do what you thought you could to help out.

I think you must be caught in a difficult place. There are several issues going on that I can see.

1. Dad is going in for procedure. Even small procedures can be scary. It would be nice to have someone there for him.

2. Wanting to help, but feeling taken advantage of. Historically the offers to help have been abused.

3. Resenting/disliking/not approving of the way SM treats Dad (dirty house, spending habits, sleeping habits) and is raising 1/2 sister (bedtime, treating like 1 year old, not sending to school).

In my experience, I think Ima's pretty much right on. Yes, SM is a piece of work. And Dad either doesn't see it, or doesn't want to see it.

The way I deal with this is to decide when I'm going to "suck it up" where my SM is concerned, and then I remind myself while I'm trying not to claw my eyes out later...this is why you did it, you did it with love, it will be over soon.

It sounds like she has a problem communicating what she wants "I really need a night out, and I have a coupon to the boat... would you mind?" and instead feels she has to manipulate to get things.

You may want to just confront her, in a friendly way, and your dad too. Something like Dad, SM, I really like 1/2 Sister and would like to spend time with her. But when you leave her for hours and I don't know where you are, I worry, and that's not ok with me. And when you make promises (to put to bed before leaving, etc) and then don't follow through it makes me feel like you're taking advantage of my generosity. If I'm going to be responsible for her in the future, and I'd like to be, we need to work on communicating more clearly so I know what to expect and we are all on the same page.

If babysitting this time doesn't work, it doesn't work. If you weren't there, they'd have to come up with a different solution. You are not their rescuer, you are not required to help. It's all on your terms, you set the boundaries with love, then stick to your water-guns!

* Posted by kkny (My Page) on Mon, Oct 19, 09 at 9:05

"Ima, maybe your step relationships are all total saints, and your mom a total drunk and loser..."

KKNY, do you just store up information people share so you can fling it back in their face? I think you owe Ima an apology. That was just mean and had absolutely nothing to do with this thread.

No SS, it was in response to the approach of lets bend over backwards and take it on the chin. SMs can be irresponsible, and then have to make their own way when they alienate people. Ima may have had a dear SM and an irresponsilbe mother, but that doesnt mean everyone else has that sitch.

KKNY, I agree SM made her own bed. But the issue with bedtimes, etc, is the responsibility of both parents. Like IMA said, they can always hire a babysitter. Dad bears a little responsibility in the family dynamics too. SM isn't ruling the roost with an iron fist. Dad just doesn't want to make waves, IMO.

But that doesn't matter. What you said was just hurtful, out of context and wrong. Don't call someone's mom a total drunk and loser. It didn't achieve anything but to make you look petty. I still think you owe IMA an apology.

SS, Ima almost delights in calling her mom a drunk. As evidence in why steps are better. So no for the second time, I dont think I owe her an apology. And btw, so many people here have taken shots at me and my D, and I dont recall you saying anything.

It has nothing to do with this conversation, and it was a cheap shot. And you "recall" a lot of stuff that you can't back up.

I just call it like I see it. What you said was out of line.

It had everything to do with this convo. In Ima world, SM is never wrong, is a saint. Maybe her SM is, and her mom terrible. It helps to know this to take her advice with a grain of salt.

RE: Adult children living at home..... clip this post email this post what is this?
see most clipped and recent clippings
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Posted by monoral75 (My Page) on Sun, Aug 17, 08 at 21:22

"I would want my DD to live with me -- She has said my home will be her "home base" till she is out of graduate/professional school (we are talking about age 25)."
Oh Come now KKNY! Be honest! 25 is when your Dear Daughter, Miss Givme Givme gets Daddy's house as mentioned in one of your previous posts. Whata nice thankyou for all that child support and fully paid for education! The day Givme Givme turns 25 she'll zip over to Dads on her broom, knock on the door, yell what she's heard you preface every contact with your ex-husband with all her life, "Give me! Mine!" and toss the old man out on his ass.
So she'll launch fine!

KKNY:..."And btw, so many people here have taken shots at me and my D, and I dont recall you saying anything...."

KKNY then references this thread, which I didn't participate in at all, so how was I supposed to defend anyone? Adult Children Living at Home

In this thread, someone named Monoral75 wrote what KKNY referred to above. And then this was posted:

* Posted by finedreams (My Page) on Mon, Aug 18, 08 at 8:19

"...I suspect monorail is a troll because what would be the other reason to constantly insult somebody's minor child whom she/he does not even know?..."

Hmmm... looks like you were defended just fine. Your martyr hat is getting kind of transparent, and your strawman argument holds no water.

My comments were at your selectivity as in I dont recall you, not anyone. I dont claim to be a matyr.

KKNY, how could I have? I didn't even participate in that thread!

you are absolutelly correct silverswood, i defended )I think i was the only one) kkny's minor DD because i absolutelly didn't see why and and for what reason her daughter was attacked. Other people (I don't know if all, but most) found that post hillarious.

it is not even a stepfamily issue per se but the issue of irresponsible people relying on everyone else. They aren't necessarilly bad people. But they need to learn the lesson that they cannot be bailed out every time and at some point they have to start contributing.

I love my SIl and is generally a good person but she is terribly irresponsible and immature person and she knows it. I bet you everyone has someone like that in the family.

I just don't understand why if it is a SM, she can do no wrong. so many people here shared that they have bioparents- losers or awful bioparents of their children or irresponsible BMs in their lives etc yet as soon as it is SM: can do no wrong.

By the way i remember defending that same SM over some other issue that mom2emall shared (about her dad visiting). In that situation i think SM was right, in this one she is wrong. I judge by the situation, I don't care SM or BM or neither.

Where do I say SM is perfect or a saint? I was pointing out that the child has TWO parents! Both hold some blame if the child has poor habits, not just one parent. SM may be a rotten person and burned her bridges, so to speak... that is why, perhaps dad should have called to ask the favor. The issue I pointed to is that, as a daughter, I would consider how my dad feels and what he wants. IF she asked to babysit so she could go get her nails done or teeth cleaned, I would probably not hesitate to say "sorry, can't do it" but if it's to accompany my dad, then it's a different story, if I think it's what my dad wants or it would make him happy. I would suck it up. If my dad let me know he didn't want her there or didn't care for her being there, then that's also a different story... if I had a transplant, I might want my spouse with me.

But, that's just MY opinion on what I would do... I can't speak for OP or anyone else. Family values are a personal issue and we all have our own priorities where that is concerned.

PS. kkny, do you keep clippings on everything you re-post or spend the time to go looking for old posts to back you up today?

If anyone is sick in my family I would babysit anyone, not only my own sister or a niece or a nephew. But I think ths issue is wiht SM not willing to accommodate anyone such as bringing her child earlier but she would rather incovinience people so she can sleep later. Of course she should be with her DH but it means she needs to get up earlier and bring her kid to OP. she also needs to get her kid on a normal schedule. I don't see any issue with babysitting, but i sure see an issue wiht SM expecting everyone to bend out of shape. OP never said she wouldn't babysit but she wants SM to get there earlier. pretty simply.

SM doesn't work so she can go to bed early and get up early. family values don't seem to be SM's priority, otherwise she would be taking care of the family. dad works during the day and mom is home taking naps, of course dad is responsible as well but I don't understand why SM has so very little responsibilities.

FD hits the nail on the head. Its not so much that I mind watching my sister while sm is at the hospital with my dad. What I mind is that she wants to inconvenience everyone else so she does not have to get up earlier. And like I said if my sister went to bed at a decent time I would have just let her sleepover, but they chose to make midnight her bedtime. And they chose the "family bed" option. And they chose to allow her to get used to never falling asleep without someone in bed with her.

I have a family of my own and too much going on to accomodate that.

But what ended up happening is that sm called me and asked if they could just sleepover with my sister in our guest room. So they did. They stayed up late with my sister while my family went to sleep.

SM did call from the hospital saying they were keeping my dad overnight because of the pain after the procedure. She asked me to babysit overnight and I declined because I had class that night till late and I had a workshop all day today. She was a little ticked I could tell. But I had my other sister babysitting my kids till I got home that night. And all my kids were going to be in school all day today while I attended a workshop and I had no way to watch my sister all day. I think that she expected me to volunteer my husband for babysitting. But he sleeps during the day because he works afternoons and sometimes midnights.

Ima, I did a word search -- which members of the SM group do without getting attacked, again double standard.

Ima, of course the child has two parenst, but when dad works full time and is ill (a transplant) it is only reasonable to expect wifey to pull her weight -- oh wait, shes a SM.

KKNY, you defended your completely unprovoked, snide and mean attack on Ima's mom to me by saying:

1. She says it herself, so it's ok... and
2. I don't defend you when people attack you and your DD

I responded by saying I don't remember people attacking your DD and you and me letting it go. You defended your asinine defense by bringing up that post, in which I was not a participant and in which you were defended.

Your strawman arguments are really mucking up the conversation.

Ima (correct me if I'm wrong) was not saying the wife should not be pulling her own weight, she was saying that the issues the daughter has with the youngest 1/2 sister's behaviors/tendencies/schedule are not entirely the fault of the SM but are a reflection of how the child's parents (Mom2's bio dad and sm) are raising that child.

I think we can all agree SM should be the parent to her child and not expect others to go out of their way to rearrange their schedules when she is not being considerate of the fact that others (her husband's children) have lives of their own that are impacted by her parenting choices.

Yes, kids should help when dad is sick. And a person expecting others to care for their child should make it as easy as possible on those people or else not expect them to help in the future. Regardless of relationship.

kkny, if you are too stuck on BM vs. SM, that's YOUR problem! Wifey SHOULD pull her weight. Wifey SHOULD get up early and take care of her own business and not expect anyone to be put out for HER convenience! If you are too thick headed to hear my intended opinion, not what you are stuck thinking... here it is in plain, easy to understand language:

WE ONLY HAVE OUR PARENTS UNTIL THEY ARE GONE. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. IF ONE HAS HAD A TRANSPLANT, THERE MAY BE GREATER HEALTH CONCERNS THAN JUST THEIR OLD AGE AND TIME MAY BE MORE LIMITED!

TO ME, THE LOVE OF MY FATHER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE DISLIKE OR HATRED OR ANNOYANCE OF WHO HE CHOOSES TO BE WITH! I WOULD DO FOR HIM... EVEN IF IT IS A CONVENIENCE TO HER. IT'S NOT ABOUT HER BEING A STEPMOM, IT'S ABOUT A FATHER THAT MAY NOT WANT TO BE ALONE DURING A PROCEDURE... AND BEING A DAUGHTER THAT WANTS HIM TO BE HAPPY AND BE COMFORTABLE. IF IT PUT ME OUT A LITTLE, BUT I COULD DO IT, I WOULD.

IF IT WERE MY FATHER, THAT'S WHAT I WOULD DO. NOBODY HAS TO AGREE WITH ME. AND MY ANSWER WOULD BE THE SAME IF IT WAS HIS FIRST WIFE (MY MOTHER, WHO HAPPENS TO BE AS SELF CENTERED AS THE OP'S STEPMOM), HIS SECOND WIFE (MY STEPMOM) OR A GIRLFRIEND HE'S JUST DATING... IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM.. IT'S ABOUT HIM.

If you don't want to do your mom favors when she finds an able bodied man to be with.. that's YOUR choice.

I agree IMA. Wife should do her job, regardless if first wife or second or third or eighth. Kids should do what they can to help too where there are health issues.

In this case, with kids of own, work issues, school issues, kid's sleeping pattern being disruptive, history of that happening, I would not think OP was out of line just saying no. But, it's a hard situation. A person just has to do what's right for them. Do your best for those you love without making that decision based on "status", as in "Well, she's my SM, so she can just suck it up....or whatever".

Wow! Ima, that was totally awesome! I envisioned you getting a standing ovation! LOL!

I agree with Ima. I know it would've been a total pain for you to keep the sister. BTDT.

A couple weeks ago I sat at the ER with my sister who was having some serious pains in her kidneys. She said repeatedly that I didn't have to be there and she would call our mom, but our mother lives 2 hours away. I didn't want to leave her there alone and in pain and force my mother to drive 2 hours in the middle of the night. It was a total pain because we were up there until 1 AM and I had to go to work. But my love for my sister and mother drowned out the inconvenience and lack of sleep. And it was a good thing I stayed, too, because they didn't find anything and just sent her home with pain meds.

So it's really not an issue solely applying to Stepfamilies. It can really be applied to anyone.

Maybe OP's SM has pushed it too many times and now OP's give-a-dam is broken.

Correct, when there are problems with a child, especially bed time patterns, and the child lives with two parents... unless one parent is not ever home at bedtime, then both of them are responsible for the child's poor sleeping pattern. If dad works graveyard and KNOWS mom is keeping kids up to keep her company, then he may need to put his foot down and tell her the kids need their rest and that she needs to put them in bed.

My point is that it's NEVER one sided.

I hear you IMA. Unless it's a SM in the family. Then she's perfect. Cause SM's are. Always. And forever.

tongue-in-cheek

Somehow, when it's sharing resources, Dad and SM are a team. Like the one pot theory of sharing money. But when it is sharing responsibilites, where I would think sharing would mean if dad works, SM has to do more child care, that doesnt appear to be the result here. Yes, this can be applied to all families -- do you share resources and responsibilities or is dad supposed to do all earning and share childcare??

"FD hits the nail on the head. Its not so much that I mind watching my sister while sm is at the hospital with my dad. What I mind is that she wants to inconvenience everyone else so she does not have to get up earlier.'

Precisely. I don't think other people comprehended what mom2emall was saying. I also do not recall her saying "no". Just asking to get up earlier. Not too much to ask. I get up at 5:30 and if needed would get up at 3AM or wouldn't go to bed at all, not that hard and I am older than SM.

it must be nice to have a man who works full time, does bed time routine, teaches the kid manners and schedules, cleans messy house, buys groceries and despite being ill finds energy to put his foot down and tell his wife what to do. nice arrangement.

yet let me remind you when kids are messed up or have no schedule, it is always BM's fault. oh wait a minute this SM happens to be BM too. Or rules don't apply here?