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straight back into it!

Posted by yabber (My Page) on
Thu, Oct 29, 09 at 21:54

Hi guys, it's been a while since I posted anything, we've had some peaceful times :-)
With BM being pregnant again she was too busy with everything to also focus on us, it was wonderful.

BM has just had another baby so there's 2 little ones now. The trouble with her fiancee has resulted in him being moved out into an apartment 2 months ago. But here's the thing: BM and fiancee are still 'together', it's just working better when he's got his own space.
We thought he left and she was feeding the skids some b-cr*p about a LAT-relationship to save face, but they actually are together still, how bizarre..

I think this is very much about control, the relationship is not working out, but rather than splitting up and risking 'losing' the babies to him this is a much more beneficial solution. This way she controls when he can see his kids, she can 'use' them against him when it suits AND she gets ALL his money, not just child support. Oh and let's not forget 'single parent benefits'. Ten years ago she did exactly the same thing with FDH, it didn't work then but hey; let's just do it all again!

Now that the baby is born it's straight back into it.
Last weekend when the skids were with us BM rang them to let them know that there was on open day at the Discovery Centre and she'd take them if they were not with us. After the phonecall the skids were sulking, and even though we let them go with BM every single time, they still behave as if we are keeping them away from her. So also this time FDH told the skids to organise it with BM if they'd like to go, they don't have to miss out. Skids ring BM, BM takes the whole Sunday from us and picks the skids up at 11am.

Fast forward to last Tuesday, we went to see the girls play sports. We asked if they had fun at the open day and we already knew the answer: they didn't go. Surprise surprise. BM said it looked very busy when they drove past and it was too much with 2 babies so they went home instead.

Next time the girls come we celebrate FDH's birthday. BM has already put some pressure on them to come with her to the city to go and see granddad..

After a relatively quiet time it's hard to get back into all this disruption and general chaos, I need to gear myelf up again :-(

And yes I know we could put our foot down and tell BM 'No' organise things on your own weekend, but the more we fight it the harder she fights back and the more the skids suffer. We've tried it, it's not worth it, so we're going to let them go. I just needed to vent, thanks guys


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: straight back into it!

a little dose of her own medicine should fix that problem not quickly but it will eventually fix it....

It's too bad you're with mom this weekend ... such and such looks like it would be great fun ... but actually do it with them if they show up ..... and if mom questions it .... say well I thought since I switched with you a few times it wouldn't be an issue but if it is ... put it back on her mom won't let you come even though I let her take you away from me for things on my days with you ....


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RE: straight back into it!

Pseudo's idea is a great one...!! How disgusting for her to use the kids as "pawns" like that, just sick and really twisted... :(

You could also 1) turn the ringer off on your phone and just call back BM at night for the skids to say goodnight to her.
2) when she calls, let the skids talk to her and when she says " oh too bad you are with Dad and SM, I was going to take you to the amusement park, zoo, mall, fill-in-the-blank, etc..." , then you say to the skids : "what a GREAT idea, thanks BM, we're taking them, we'll have a great time!!Buh bye!! They'll see you on Sunday!!"


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Hahaha.. well the skids have got their cell phones and they'd better have them switched on AT ALL TIMES otherwise there's hell to pay. The rule is that the phones are switched off before they go to bed, but during the day it would cause too much stress to enforce such a rule. Especially since BM was pregnant and therefore had a good reason to want to be able to contact the skids..

I remember once they went to the pool and I was the only one home. BM rang SD11, no answer, then rang SD13, also no answer. For the next 10 minutes she rang both mobiles at least 5 more times each. Even our dog (!!) came up to me with his ears down because he was getting a bit nervous, yup :-)


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RE: straight back into it!

Just sad! We are experience some of the same things.... I really feel for these kids that are thrown in the middle. As a mother, I just can not understand putting my daughter in the middle of anything that could hurt her or taint her or use her as a pawn..... My little girl is way to important to me and even though i was divorced before - I sheilded my daughter from as much as the negativity as possible. It was too important to me for her not to be thrown in the middle or to be used as a pawn. Geez these moms who put their own selfish needs ahead of their children will have hell to pay - later down the road.


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RE: straight back into it!

Yabber, it would have taken everything in me to not just throw the phones in the pool...lol!! Why don't you answer and say "they are having fun in the pool, sorry, they will call you back later, don't want them to get electrocuted by calling you while they are wet from swimming! buh bye!!"

Creepy crazy lady, reminds me of DH's ex...ugh...!!


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When my Ex would pull that kind of thing, I used to ask DS "That does sound like fun. I wonder why Daddy didn't plan that for his time? He knows this is our weekend..." It didn't take DS very long to figure it out...


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RE: straight back into it!

Shannon: yeah I could have thrown them in the pool!! If I would've answered their mobile the skids would have been in big trouble. And anyway; I'd rather hear the phones go off then her, lol!!

Sweeby, funny you should say that; we sometimes do say things along those lines, but generally all that generates is a very defensive attitude on their mom's behalf and a long explanation as to why it has to be on our weekend. But still, sometimes you just need to plant the seed..

And Sweeby, how do you get words printed bold or underlined? :-)


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RE: straight back into it!

I only said that to DS -- Ex of course had a ready excuse.

To bold: < b >bold text then < /b > to turn it off (but with no spaces in between)
For underline, use < u >
For Italics, < i >


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RE: straight back into it!

Oh Yabber, I feared that would happen after the baby was born. I'm so sorry.

Have you guys tried reversing things? Calling when they are with BM to take some of her time for an activity you would like to girls to attend? What would happen if you did?


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Yes we have had a few occasions where there was an activity in BM's weekend. Mainly when family organises something without realising that the skids were not with us. It's only come up a few times and BM has never let the skids come. She'll just organise something better and then ask the skids what they want to do. They're not silly, they know they'll be in trouble if they choose us, pfff..

Pretty much everybody knows now to check with us first if they'd like the skids to be there for a party, and make sure they're with us on that weekend.

And thanks Sweeby!


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Could you tell/say to them as they are leaving ... I really hope mom takes you this time... if she doesn't give us a call we'll come get you? (I know it would be hard for me to hold my tongue)

I thought the oldest was with you most of the time? changed after the baby was born...

Poor kids not having a back bone to deal with mom... because they don't want her angry.

Sad she has 4 kids and still lonely.


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Yes Pseudo it is sad. You remember correctly, oldest SD is now supposed to be with us for a week at a time, but with new baby born also this is on the rocks again (just as we got into a nice new routine).

Last time SD13 asked if she could come a day later, and this time it's already been two days late and still no SD, she says she'll come tonight, but I doubt it..


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yabber,

It just sounds awful. Can't you just say no to this chaos? Or better still, have your DH, BM's ex, father of these kids just say no?

I'm not sure if it's better to seriously limit the contact as in turning off your phone, and ditching the cells so all crazy calls at least go through you or DH or to let BM just communicate with her kids directly.

You just don't need to be in the middle of this power struggle. Let her have them when she wants, that will probably slow up the demands etc. She is probably really hormonal after the baby...hopefully it will pass. Fighting and being frustrated is half of what she wants or "doesn't care about."

Let her have them or let DH deal with it all. It's no win for you dear.


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Yabber, what's your legal arrangement? How old are Skids again, sorry, I don't remember...you said one is 13 right? It's a hard age too, sometimes the kids like to have one parent's home as a "base" it seems to me. But it's very hard on the parent and SM or SD who aren't the "base"...ugh...and then when you mix in a BM who has big-time control issues, like yours seems to, you have a big difficulty...!!


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Yes we do let the skids go Iamom, we let BM have them when she wants and it did slow up demands for a while, but now with new baby she's on the roll again. We are not fighting it. And anyway, it's not BM demanding/asking directly, it's the skids who approach FDH as they are always put in the middle. That is part of the reason why FDH says 'yes' when they ask, the counselor advised us to keep skids out of tug of war this way. And the counselor says that eventually the skids willstart to see what is really going on. SD13 already does and therefore likes to stay with us a bit more (to get a break from the chaos and all the arguing). Just now with new baby there's new pressure I guess. We will ride it out again, like we do every time. But yes, it IS hard and it IS frustrating..

And the legal arrangement is 35% for SD11 and 50% for SD13. We just choose not to enforce it if skids ask for more time with BM. (Things got nasty when we did try and enforce the court order and it wasn't worth it in the end)


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Yabber, maybe besides the control issues with BM, there is also her need, if she has two little ones now, and her BF has moved out, then she has a need for assistance with the baby and toddler. I could easily picture your two SD's feeling a lot of guilt for leaving her with two "babies" and if she is controlling, I'm sure she doesn't help the SD's to get rid of the guilt, she possibly works to increase the guilty feelings instead...Maybe one thing your FDH can do when the SD's ask him directly for more time at BM's, he can gently say " is that what you want to do? " because they are just kids, sounds like they are missing their childhoods or a part of them because BM is difficult with them. Yes, they should help her with their two half sibs, but she is the Mom, not them...There has to be a way for your FDH to explain to them, that it is THEIR choice, not his, not their Mom's, where they spend time and for how long. Maybe the counsellor could make some suggestions on how to word this and to get it across to them in a very gentle, non-threatening way...

Your counsellor is also right about "time", because for us, SD17 does see what the "real deal" is with BM, but she still gets dragged back into it. Other two Skids do not see it, or as SD17 says "will not admit that they see it, even if it hit them in the heads"!! We also never enforced the true custody order, it was50/50 but BM would just be calling and calling skids when they were with us and it made it horribly stressful for skids and for us..they were miserable and the control that she exercised/still exercises over them was and still is, staggering.


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