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yabber is back!

Posted by yabber (My Page) on
Tue, Oct 26, 10 at 21:41

Wow how quick things can change! Just when we thought BM finally succeeded in convincing the kids we are the bad guys, here comes the turnaround.

As you may or may not know, for the last couple of months we haven't seen the SD's much. We 've been struggling to come to terms with this. I found it especially hard to deal with feelings of injustice and to be wrongly judged (projection of BM's behavior onto me). I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, I even disengaged to a point where I was relieved to see the kids go back to BM, where I didn't go out of my way anymore for them. Not a good feeling, but I felt desillusioned. However, I never gave up trying to get my head around it, deal better and finding out what works (like getting a break by taking on an extra job on Sat/Sun morning). And boy am I happy I hung in there :-)

Last Thursday the kids came to our place, SD14 chatting away while I was cooking. She was giving me the hint that something was up with her mom, but she didn't want SD12 to overhear her so we didn't discuss it. Once they were in bed I sat with SD14 and asked her what was up. I haven't reached out to her for awhile for fear of being rejected or being accused of questioning her, and I'm so happy that she took that first step. Well, she told me a lot about what's going on, we talked for at least an hour. BM has been hitting the bottle hard, and she's particularly nasty to SD14. She yells a lot, she is angry at SD all the time and she dumps her problems on SD. But if SD wants to tell BM something she's told to be quiet because BM is watching tv. Also she's been taking SD's stuff of her, like her tv has been moved to BM's bedroom and SD's laptop is not really hers anymore either. BM has created her own user on it and SD said BM spilled wine on it the other night when she was drunk :-(

SD does everything around the house, including looking after the 2 babies, but she gets accused of never helping her mom out. BM goes out to party till 4 in the morning and stays in bed all day next day, but no thanks for SD for picking up the slack!

Apparently BM got angry again with SD that Thursday morning driving to school, and as punishment she told SD14 to walk home after school. SD decided to take the bus with a friend, and so she got home a bit later because the bus doesn't go straight away. When she knocked on the door she thought BM wasn't going to let her in at first, poor thing. But BM gave her a nasty look and flicked the lock of the door, before turning around and walking off, SD let herself in. Soon after they rocked up at our place. For the first time BM did not sit in our driveway for at least half an hour before she let kids out, she was gone quickly.

SD also told me it's the babies that keep her there, and her stuff. I can totally understand that. She would like to bring some stuff here but BM will not allow it. Especially that laptop is a big deal. But, we don't agree with SD14 having a laptop with internet and no parenting control on it, so we are not keen to buy her one for our place. We don't want her to roam the internet like she does at BM's. That is the sort of stuff that draws SD back there, the freedom of doing what she wants, even if it comes at a high price. But not at the moment.

I mostly listened to SD that night, but I also told her that it's not her fault that BM is so angry all the time. It's BM who's not dealing appropriately with her own issues. It's hard for some people to acknowledge problems, so instead they lash out at people who are close to them. And SD can't make it better for BM either, so she shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to fix it. SD told me she tries to pretend to be happy and cheerful, to please BM, but BM will still blast her anyway so then she stops trying again for awhile. FDH has told me often about how he used to do the same, faking happiness to please her. SD and I also agreed that it seems you can't win, no matter what you do. That is another example I used to show SD that it really isn't her fault. After all, it doesn't matter what she does, she'll never get it right.

Over the weekend SD14 decided she's going to stay with us for awhile. SD12's eyes rolled out of her head when she heard yesterday! We all went to drop SD12 off, SD14 wanted to come and pick her sports-gear up. She also told BM herself, FDH told SD that he doesn't like it when BM sends him message on SD's behalf, so he won't do the same, SD will have to tell BM herself. That is hard, but it's better to deal then to hide behind a text message. SD didn't worry about it, she just grabbed her stuff first (smart girl) and then told BM she was going again. And hey, what could BM do? She always insists that the girls' wishes should be respected, so that came back to bite her in the bum :-)

SD14 was a bit quiet last night and had a headache. I asked if she wanted a massage and she accepted. I was a bit nervous doing it, because I feel a bit out of place and I always feel self-conscious for some reason, but I have to get over it and she did like it. I have never felt shoulders that were that tight, just one big block. I couldn't even loosen it up a bit, but it was still nice to try. I really hope that she'll stay with us for awhile.

It's been so good to get it confirmed that we haven't lost it after all, we're still close, she still knows what we are like, it has been a healing weekend, wow!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: yabber is back!

Welcome back! and congratulations on the current situation.

As much as I was angry at one time because when BM left SD, I knew she was not only hurting her daughter, but the way she did it & the things she did after leaving showed me that she was going to destroy SD's opportunity to have a close mother/daughter relationship with BM... and BM made sure that SD didn't want one with me. That was when SD was 8, 9 & 10.

Today, SD is 11 (almost 12) and beginning to seek more of a relationship with me... even though I disengaged as much as I could. She now calls me mom & really seems to be trying to win me over & have that relationship. Meanwhile, BM is angry that SD has become resentful of her & is way more open about how her mom treats her & lies to her. It's truly sad to go through & I even feel some guilt over being the one SD is reaching out to... because as she reaches for me, she is pushing her mom back a little with it. Her mom does not want her to have both... she's kinda made it a choosing situation for SD. It would kill me if my daughter chose someone else over me (of course I would never make her choose~I want her to be loved by as many people possible) Learning that not all mother's love their children in the same way has been hard for me. I thought it was "motherly love" and that we all loved our kids & put them first, etc. pretty much in the same way. and it's equally hard to see a child detach from a parent (even a neglectful one), but the reality is that it's the healthy thing for kids to do... for themselves.


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RE: yabber is back!

Welcome back yabber.

I'm glad that your SD is back around. I'm glad for her sake as well - it must be so hard on the poor kid to keep desperately trying to get BM's love and approval. I'm glad that she has a sane woman to come to when it all falls apart (again).


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RE: yabber is back!

YAY! This gives me hope!

Ima, I'm the same way. I have never made DS choose, nor would I do it in the future.

SD, on the other hand, has repeatedly chosen BM over DH. THAT is sad! When a mother makes a child choose between her and the other parent, you know there is dysfunction going on.


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RE: yabber is back!

Thanks everyone :-)

And you're right Ima, I've always had the same thought as you, the more people that love the kids, the better. I'm happy for you that SD is starting to change, good for her!

BM has been all over the place this week.

First she ignored SD14 when she drove past her at school the other day. SD was pretty upset.

Then she sent some nasty texts.

Then she didn't show up for basketball, she dropped SD12 off and waited in the car refusing to go in!

Then SD rang her (being the bigger person and reaching out) and BM started arguing and pressuring SD into coming back. SD said she didn't know when she'd be back, she's too stressed to think about it. I think BM hung up on her.

Yesterday we went to pick SD12 up for guitar lesson. It was very awkward because SD12 is so enmeshed with BM. She has been hammered this week about how we are the ones that have chosen sides (SD14's side) and how we are favoring SD14 over SD12. And what a bad daughter SD14 is for abandoning BM and babies. We've heard it all before, it's always projection of what BM does herself, she's the one who makes the kids choose sides, and who favors SD12 over SD14, not us. Anyway, we all know what that's about..

SD12 announced same thing as she did last time SD14 was staying with us more: how BM and her agree it's so nice and peaceful and stress free without SD14 there. The poor kid doesn't know any better, she's only spitting out what has been drilled into her, but still..
All I say to that is: If it was SD14 who's argumentative and a stressful person, she'd bring that with her to our house and other places like school/work, which is not what's happening.

SD12 tried to question SD14 (on a mission for information, no doubt) and SD14 didn't want to have a bar of it. I fell bad seeing them less close, but it's a result from BM's splitting and I can't change it. All I can do is treat them the same when they're with us, and not choose sides.

Anyway, we dropped SD12 back off at BM's after and SD14 went in to see little bro and sis. BM ignored her and only yelled "Bye" once SD14 left, she was very quiet on the way back. I really felt for her.

So now SD12 is definately not keen to go back and it looks like she's staying for another week.

I've started to put some notes together for SD on how to deal with stress. We've talked about it but I don't know if it's overwhelming for SD to try and remember it all. Has anyone ever done anything like that before? Any tips on where to go for info? I'll probably put my draft on this forum to get some feedback.

It would be so much easier if I could just talk to her about personality disorders, the books I've read on Borderline Personality Disorder have been so helpful. But I can't tell SD about it, BM hasn't been diagnosed so that would be overstepping it, at this stage. That's why I'm trying to put something together myself.


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