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'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

Posted by parent_of_one (My Page) on
Sun, Oct 3, 10 at 17:51

Just wondering if my SO is insensitive a$$ or not. LOL

SD is pregnant, of course every phone conversation, which goes on for an hour sometimes, is about her pregnancy, which is fine with me. Sometimes daily phone calls and two times a day on the weekend discussing every detail about pregnancy seems excessive, but then again everyone is different and she has rights to talk to her dad as much as she wants. In fact it is great she wants to share. So no problem there.

Now, my SO never ever mentions BM since kids are grown and BM stopped bothering anyone, he has no reason to even mention her.

Last two nights I overheard, well it is impossible not to overhear in our house, unless one hides in the bathroom things like "when your mom was pregnant with you", "your mom was showing at such and such month", "your mom was sick in this or that way", "your mom also wanted this or that pregnant". I don't think SO realized that i heard, but frankly I felt weird. I am not upset by no means but wonder...

I recalled that 2 years ago i attended some event with DD, my ex, and ex's wife who was pregnant at the time. My ex proceeded discussing my pregnancy 9when I expected DD), how I felt and then how labor went trying to comfort his wife I guess. I don't know how his wife felt but I tried to change the topic. I think my ex was insensitive a$$. LOl

So what do you think? I am not going to say anything to SO, I am just wondering what others think..insensitive or not a big deal?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

My take?

SO is happy/touched that his DD feels comfortable enough to talk so freely about her pregnancy, and he is trying to find some way to relate to her.

Since he has never been pregnant--nor has he had a partner who was pregnant (since her mom) that's all he's got.

you know?


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I think it's normal for guys to refer to whoever they can when discussing pregnancy or even raising kids with what they are familiar with. I compared my 2nd & 3rd pregnancies with my previous ones, even though no two pregnancies are the same. But guys don't know any firsthand info so all they can discuss is what they do know from pregnancies where they were involved. I don't think they are intentionally insensitive. I don't think it should make the current partner feel weird to hear about the ex, especially when it's just overheard being said to their daughter. But, I can also understand how it could bother you or make you feel weird to hear it, so I would get some headphones & listen to music when he's on the phone if you really can't avoid hearing the conversations. I've gone outside when I don't want to overhear things that might bother me.

I've taken heat for comparing what my kids did at SD's age... but that is all I have as a base for determining how to handle certain issues with SD, my experience as a parent. Yet, all kids are different & it's only a base...

I think it's great that she feels comfortable to talk with her dad so much about it. I never shared with my dad until I was over 25. Maybe she can talk to him about things she feels she can't talk to her mom about?


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

thanks ladies, I know he is not intentionally insensitive, I just wished he stepped outside when he discusses ex with his DD. LOL I am very sick, even stayed home from work today and no way i am going to go outside in a rain so he can discuss BM. I think he should step outside. LOL

I think what annoyed me is that he and BM don't even talk to each other, hate each other guts, and SD is not close to BM either, yet they feel like discussing BM's pregnancies. rationally i understand why they do it, I am just annoyed.

imamommy she will be 29 in few weeks and is married and this is planned pregnancy. She is very close to her father, way closer than to her mother, she barely talk to her mother. So it is understandable they talk.

I am also close to my father and discussed pregnancies but my family is intact so we don't have the same issues.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

Ha ha, DH does this! I think they feel left out when women are talking about pregnancies and so they fall back on what experience they do have. I also think that they think of it as relaying medical symptoms in the same way that they'd discuss the complications their mother had from diabetes or something.

Years ago a sales rep used to come into my work; after his wife (who I'd never met) had their first baby he was naturally very excited and telling me all the details. Including how his wife was doing OK but was having a hard time recovering from her episiotomy because it was inflamed around the stitches or something! ACCCCKKK! La la la la I can't hear you!

So, I think that it would be insensitive for a woman, but for a man, apparently not.

PO1, I hope you feel better soon.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I understand the feelings. It's awkward to listen to your SO/DH talk about relationships past. I tell DD stories about her dad, and things we did, around my DH and he does the same with his DD. We want them to know their history, and it's a way of "giving" it to them and making it theirs, and that way I'm not responsible for it anymore (this is my line of thinking anyway.... if it's hers, I can let it go).

I would feel weird too. But I wouldn't let it get under my skin. Just be prepared mentally for it to continue as the baby progresses in the world (when you had colic, your mom used to give you.... when you had diaper rash.... when you were learning how to talk... when you were getting in to everything....)

YOUR MOM YOUR MOM YOUR MOM....... LOL.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

hahah mattie, so I guess they all the same, my SO likes to talk about pregnancy like he knows much about it. I also overheard him answering SD's question when is she going to show: you'll show in two months. haha Like he knows like he can see the future. He also gives her dietary advice like he knows what expecting moms suppose to eat. But all of this is fine as long as he does not discuss what and how his ex did pregnant. BM is pretty gross already, don't want to think of her pregnant haha

thanks!


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

It honestly does not bother me that much at this point, I just wonder if others would feel the same way. I don't anticipate SO talking too much about BM, he truly hates her but it is still annoying. I think it annoys me the most because BM is very obnoxious and neither SO nor SD get along with her. She isn't even involved mother. I think if she was a pleasant lady, got along with everyone and was involved mother, I would be more tolerant. But time will tell...

"yourmomyourmom" LOL


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I think it's one thing to talk to your pregnant daughter about her mother's pregnancy...

but it's another to talk to your pregnant wife about the pregnancy of the last woman you got pregnant.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

The part that really makes me laugh is these guys' assumption that they know all about pregnancy because they were there for the whole thing, they went to all the doctor's visits, etc. I'm pretty sure that very few women are telling their husbands every thing about their pregnancies, any more than I'm telling every detail of my menstrual cycles to, well, anyone.

I can hear it now... Well, honey, when your mom was x months pregnant she started suffering from severe constipation, also she had thick yellow mucous-y vaginal discharge and for about a week had very vivid bizarre dreams of being assaulted by a set of bone china...


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I totally agree sylvia, certainly if I was pregnant and he talked about ex it would be unacceptable. My issue is not with him talking to his DD about anything on this planet, I just don't want to be in the same room when that happens. In fact there is no issue, i was just wondering how others feel about it.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

"but it's another to talk to your pregnant wife about the pregnancy of the last woman you got pregnant."

What about a woman discussing her prior pregnancies from other men, with her current husband?


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Parent of 1

"I totally agree sylvia, certainly if I was pregnant and he talked about ex it would be unacceptable."

If you were pregnant with his child, would it be just as unacceptable for you to discuss your pregnancy with your DD? Or would you assume it wouldn't bother him to hear of the pregnancy you shared with your ex, as much as him talking about his ex bother's you?


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parent of one

I meant for you to discuss your pregnancy OF your DD with SO.. not for you to discuss the pregnancy WITH your DD.

I'm not asking about just YOUR situation... just in general? Is it a bigger deal when men discuss their ex's pregnancies than when women discuss their prior pregnancies from ex's? Is there a difference?


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imaommy

It is of course acceptable for me to talk to my DD about whatever I want, as it is acceptable for SO to talk to his DDs about whatever he wants, I never said otherwise. We don't control what we can or can't talk to our children.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

Good question Ima. Is it the same if a woman discusses her past pregnancy with another man with the man with whom she is currently pregnant?

I don't know, and I'll never be in the position of a man listening to that, so I guess I'll never know. I do think though, that the difference is that a woman actually experiences pregnancy while a man is a voyeur so it's more acceptable/understandable that a woman will discuss the experience.

To a woman hearing about her X's past experiences with another woman's pregnancy it may trigger jealousy because he is displaying concern, knowledge, care-giving for another woman. Also, since men tend to "know it all" getting an armchair tourist perspective would be another annoyance factor, I would think. But I don't know. DH has never really said a lot about SD's birth, etc. Thank goodness.

To a man hearing about another man's baby being inside of his SO and how she felt and what she did may trigger images of how the baby got there. ;) And my poor DH, he's heard me tell it all many times...

Two different genders, I think two different responses.


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more

Just noticed you posted another question. I honestly don't see why would i discuss my pregnancy with SO? It was such long time ago and is irrelevant. But if topic would come up (hypothetically), I think it would feel different because it is one thing to say "I" had morning sickness the other to say "my ex had this or that". In the first case I am talking about myself and my body, and the second case he/she talks about what their exes felt or did.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

It just made me wonder if it bothers my DH when I talk about my pregnancies... we will never have a child together but since we've had DGS, we do talk about pregnancy & babies more than if DGS wasn't with us. I know the feeling when DH says "When BM.... " it is irritating. I think partly because she is such a lousy mom now, I don't care what she did when she was pregnant or when SD was a baby...

Likewise, on things DH did that I don't agree with.. I don't want to hear about what it was like with SD, because I don't think it was the right thing to do for SD, why would I want to hear about it? (unless he is telling me how he learned from it & has new ideas for NOW)


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

Why don't you ask him? I think I'll ask DH too, we can have a bit of an informal survey :)

I wonder if they feel like they are *sharing* or if they really think BM did the best thing possible or if they are just talking for the sake of feeling useful.

My dad will say, ALL THE TIME, things like this:

Me: and it was really neat to (go hiking there, see the show, etc)
Dad: I'll bet! When your mom and I (lived in x-town, were working for x-company, went on x-vacation)
SM: "Awkward look on face>

ALL THE TIME. It makes me crazy. I know it makes her crazy. And he's not doing it because he's still in love with my mom. He's doing it out of nostalgia, I think. He just doesn't realize he's being an a$$ to SM.

Or, when he and BM are in a room together, the conversation will go something like:

Mom: I see you're reading _________ by __________.
Dad: Yes, it reminds me of __________by ________.
Mom: Wasn't he the author who _________?
Dad: Yes, remember when we read that on the way to _______?
Mom: That was great! SM, have you ever been to _______?
SM: "Awkward look on face>
Dad: There's nothing like a _______ from ______ restaurant there. Remember you got ________?

hahahahahha

Yeah. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And they really don't like each other, they've been divorced thirty years... they just have a lot to say to one another because they have so many common interests and were married so long, it's just.... And SM doesn't like many of the things dad likes, so he's hungry for someone to talk with about those things.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

"I know the feeling when DH says "When BM.... " it is irritating. I think partly because she is such a lousy mom now, I don't care what she did when she was pregnant or when SD was a baby..."
See imamommy that's partially why I don't like to hear about BM's pregnancy, she is unpleasant individual and not a good mother in my opinion. I don't know maybe if she was a nice person I would feel differently.

silvers, my ex likes to have the same conversations with me in front of SM as your dad does. Luckily I don't see ex that often anymore. We do generally like each other but still my ex is not a very sensitive person. I myself never start such conversations and try to change topics, I like SM. I think if your dad has no one to talk to about his interests he could find friends or groups by interests, not like his xwife is the only person sharing same interests, I think he is being insensitive. Well my own dad is not that sensitive either. maybe it is men thing.

I think sometimes people just say things not thinking how it might effects other. Even if they are sensitive people.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I don't like SM and I try to change topics. I think both my parents are a bit self-indulgent and don't realize that their happy conversing could be causing pain.

My dad has friends who share interests. It's not like he and BM are talking daily/weekly/ even monthly!... But when he and BM are in a room together... well... I guess it could be worse, they could ignore one another. Instead they start to talk about common interests, and that progresses.

SM is just not very interested or interesting. I have a hard time talking to her about most subjects that interest me. It happens that dad, BM, and much family all have similar conversation interests, and SM doesn't.

Actually, as I'm writing this I recall that SM has similar issues when it's dad and his sisters or dad and me. We will get to talking and really getting in to a subject and SM will be frowny-face on the side.

Hmmmm.... but I'm getting sidetracked.

I agree. I don't always, or often, think before I talk, or type. I do mean well though.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I'm with Sylvia!

I can see how it would be annoying to hear SO discuss BM's pregnancies all the time, and I'd be irked too if I were you, Po1... But at the same time, it's nice to hear about your own history from your parents and I think it's totally OK for him to discuss it with her.
In short: he should talk about it with her, while being sensitive to that you might not want to hear about it.

And as for Ima's question...
It's one thing to say "When I was pregnant with DD, I had a very sore back and massage really helped a lot," and another to say "When I was pregnant with DD, I had a very sore back and exDH used to rub it for me for hours and it was sooooo nice."
The first way is about you and your body. The second way is about you and your ex-relationship.


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RE: How nice was it?

LOL Ceph!


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

"When I was pregnant with DD, I had a very sore back and exDH used to rub it for me for hours and it was sooooo nice."

hahahaha it is hilarious, ceph


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silvers

my ex had very few things in common with me, frankly he has more in common with his current wife. she is a better match, we were a bad match to begin with. I do not enjoy the same activities he and SM share, not at all.

it is funny how SM is not interesting. I know people who are just not interesting. SO and I know few couples that want to be friends with us but we find them so uninteresting that I'd rather lay on a coach and read a book than spend time with them.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

What about all the things you do when having a baby? Decorating the room, going to appointments, birthing classes, parenting classes, shopping... If it's his first baby but your second or third, is it appropriate to say "when I was pregnant with #1, exH wanted to be involved in every detail (or didn't want to be involved at all), whatever the case may be? Or my sister threw us a couples baby shower for baby #1.... Is mentioning the involvement of the other parent 'forbidden'? I understand how it may feel weird, cause some jealousy, etc. but we all have a past & it seems silly to get upset to hear about it. It is different if you are being compared to it.. but simply hearing about it, may not be pleasant but when you are older & have a past, so does everyone else.

But if it's the context of what's being said... "your mother (who is a lousy mother) handled it like this..." Well, that would irritate unless you are using it to NOT do what she did. I know my dad tells me my mom was a great mom when we were young... I have no memories of that so I can take his word for it, that at least at ONE time she was very devoted to being a mommy & caring for her kids.. or I can draw on my memories of her drinking & how she really was never there for me growing up. If my dad were married now & overheard my dad telling me how great my mom was with us kids.. and all she knew was the negative stuff, I could see how she would get annoyed or it may bother her. But, at the same time, I think it's unreasonable for her to expect dad to go outside to talk to me about those things. I don't blame you for it bothering you, but it bothers YOU & it's not unreasonable for a dad to talk about his ex with THEIR daughter, then you can a) suck it up & ignore it. b) put on earphones. c) go outside or where you can't hear. **UNLESS IT'S YOUR HOUSE** & he doesn't live there. (and if he lives there, then IMO it doesn't even matter whose house it was before) Just my opinion.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

Ima, of course it's not forbidden to mention your ex... But you can be sensitive about it.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

" I don't blame you for it bothering you, but it bothers YOU & it's not unreasonable for a dad to talk about his ex with THEIR daughter, then you can a) suck it up & ignore it. b) put on earphones. c) go outside or where you can't hear. **UNLESS IT'S YOUR HOUSE** & he doesn't live there. (and if he lives there, then IMO it doesn't even matter whose house it was before) Just my opinion."

I agree. What about if my dad starts telling me stories in front of SM about him and my mom??? I change the subject usually, but does SM suck it up?

When I go to Dh's xwife's house to pick up SD there is some inevitable cross-talk that relates to them having once shared a life (and vice versa with DD's dad and I) and I don't mind particularly, but DH is very respectful and I try to be as well.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I think it is perfectly fine for your dad to talk to you about your mom and if she was good mom or not, but I think it is different if he discussed this with his second wife.

It does not bother me enough to do anything about it. Honestly I had no time to put headphones on or walk out. Plus it is unrealistic for me to take such precautions every time he is on the phone with SD just in case they discuss BM (they never do, just these few times). If I need to discuss something private with DD, I walk out, I don't expect SO to do that, he can't read my mind and predict what we will talk about.

In any case I am just wondering how others feel. It is not bad enough for me to even mention anything. As long as Bm does not call here and scream or talk nonsense in drunken frenzy I can listen about pregnancy.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

"What about if my dad starts telling me stories in front of SM about him and my mom??? I change the subject usually, but does SM suck it up?"

I guess if the parents are in a situation where SM/DH & BM (& her SO/DH) are 'chatting' politely... old stories might come up but also, I watched my mom get upset when my dad & SM were at my nieces birthday party & mentioned a planned trip to Hawaii or maybe they just got back... but it bothered my mom to hear he took her to Hawaii & he'd never taken my mom to Hawaii... so, I see jealousy can go both ways. SM may not have liked hearing about my mom, for sure my mom didn't like to think of dad's new life with SM. But, I think when it happens, yes it is uncomfortable ~ even for the (adult) kids ~ but be grown up... smile & suck it up.


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and

yes, I do know it is easier said than done....

I had to put a turnequette on my tongue as BM came up to the car last night, sweet as can be... saw DGS in the back seat & opened the door to coo at him and say what a cutie pie he is & compared him to her baby a little.... and then told DH that she just can't make it to SD's conference because her mother has a doctor appointment that day but if we think holding her back is what SD needs, then by all means we should just hold SD back this year.... and then stuck her head in the window and asked me if I can give her a call during the conference so she can be in on what's going on or call after & let her know what we decided. Basically, seemed uninterested in the school issue!

This was in response to an email DH sent her telling her SD is having severe problems in school, mainly because (we think) of BM's UNINVOLVEMENT.... and reminding her that since she pled guilty to embezzlement & is on probation, which means she has to follow all court orders including paying her child support... that if she doesn't pay the past due medical bills immediately, he will file contempt & forward that to the DA to let them know she's disobeying a court order... so the whole act was fake & annoying. For weeks, she has been avoiding us, staying in her house during exchanges. "Puleazzze! Just give me the money & go back in your house!!!" But, I smiled politely.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack but thought it was a good example (though not quite what we're talking about here) of a situation where smile & suck it up is the way to go.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I honestly don't care where ex takes his wife and what nice things they do and I don't think he cares what I do. I never felt it has anything to do with me. I would feel bad if he neglected his kids yet went on fancy trips but other than that I am fine listening about where they went and what they did. He isn't my husband.

ima, BM is avoiding paying CS, I think DH has to file contempt, enough is enough, what a loser.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I was reading these and thought of another situation which I think is really insensitive - that's listening to your Dad (or your Mom, I guess) going on and on.... and on, about the pregnancies/childbirths/baby stories of (much) younger half-siblings.

It's not that I don't wish the best for my younger half-sibs, or want my father to be as uninvolved as he was with us when we were young, but I think that it is really insensitive to brag about what a great parent you are now, when you were a less than adequate parent to the "kids" you are talking to. (I always have the urge to say "Wow, X is lucky to have such a great Dad. I wish I'd had a father half that good.")


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

Interesting point, mattie, one of the members here -lamom- (where did she disappear?) had her adult SKs being upset how much their dad is involved with their much younger sibling and how he was neglectful with them. The only excuse is that maybe your dad was too young? And now have learned? Still he should try to make it up to you rather than rubbing in.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I'm in the boat with Sylvia and Ceph - I think it's fine to discuss BM's pregnancy with the child she was pregnant with. . . especially if the relationship isn't there so she can hear it from BM. Sure, it's probably uncomfortable to hear, but unless DH is going on about how much he *looooved to massage BM's back when she was pregnant* then how bad can it be? SD and her life with DH and BM existed before you. They have a right to discuss it freely, but I would never condone rudely. Part of marrying into a blended family is accepting the past that comes with it - you can't expect it to be locked away.

SD will out of the blue ask DH about when he and her BM were in college together or pregnant,etc. She does it out of curiosity, and I've never thought to be offended. Maybe a little uncomfortable, but I'm a big girl - I can deal.

For the record, BM is a less than mediocre mom who lost custody of her daughter. DH wouldn't ever suggest we do something that she did as if saying BM knew better, but he has suggested a couple things that "worked when SD was 3 months old" or as "something tried when SD was a baby" Of course I know that involved BM, but so? I was just thankful he'd had 'trouble-shooting' experience with babies before!! :)


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

My DH doesn't do that, thank God, because it would really annoy me. The only thing that he has ever said about BM and pregnancy is that after SD was born, BM wouldn't let him hold SD for hours. But my X does that crap all the time. I just roll my eyes and feel slightly sorry for his GF.

But his GF does the same thing! Honestly, she will tell stories about my pregnancy, or about DS before she met him. That irritates me so much!

DH has said before that it bothers him when I talk about my life before him. I told him 2 things....1) you should want to know about my life before you because it gives you insight into who I am and why I am the way I am; 2) it's in the past, but that doesn't make it irrelevent. I learned things from those experiences. Also, I was 23 when I met DH. There's really not much "life before DH" to speak of.

PO1, I totally understand your irritation. My friend at work just had her baby, but before she left, there was an incident that bothered me. She was talking on speaker phone to another coworker and the other coworker started asking her particulars about her pregnancy. I thought it was extremely rude to ask those questions at all, let alone on speaker phone. The coworker was a male and pregnancy particulars (such as how much she is dialated, etc.) aren't something to be discussed so casually as with family or friends.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

The coworker was a male and pregnancy particulars (such as how much she is dialated, etc.) aren't something to be discussed so casually as with family or friends.

LOL, Ashley!! I read that and thought "Huh? Weird. Why not?" and then I remembered that I have different body boundaries than most people.
Doulas have no TMI ;) We talk about mucous plugs and dilation as ordinary conversation. (Poor DH is just used to pelvis talk)


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

LMAO! Pelvis talk! Ha ha!

I work at a civil engineering firm and she is a licensed engineer. IMO, there are boundaries in a professional work environment.

It didn't bother my friend. She was 1 day before her due date so her modesty was at a minimum, as with most pregnant women who have endured multiple pelvic exams by that point. I can remember having 12 people, excluding X, in the delivery room and they were all doctors and nurses. I had no modesty at that point.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

"I work at a civil engineering firm and she is a licensed engineer." LOL! Most of the male engineers that I've worked with would keel over dead of embarrassment before they'd publicly admit to having noticed that a coworker was pregnant!


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

some people just have poor manners, discussing intimate body experiences, mucous plugs or other stuff at work or in public is just bad manners. by this token it is OK to discuss passing gas or belching. just low class. nothing to be proud about.

once again i do not object SO talking about anything to his daughter. I can talk to my daughter about anything, yet I would not discuss my exhusband's body experiences with my SO or in his presence. Like oh yeah my exhusband is also constipated, who wants to hear that. Gross.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I think it's rude to talk about the experiences of other people in general, not just body issues.

But for a man to discuss the pregnancy and birth of his child, I feel he's entitled. He should attempt to do it respectfully for both the mother and his SO as well as the child, but I don't think just because a man didn't physically experience it he should be exempt from discussing it.

In 9 months this will be a moot point. And then you will get to hear about how XDW used to diaper, powder and taught SD how to walk. In other words, if he's not being overtly rude, get over it and find something else to do.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I never said he should be exempt from discussing anything, I am in full support of him discussing anything with his children, I don't think there is any topic he should not be discussing (maybe our intimate relationship or my personal finances? other than everything goes).

My SO never talks to his ex or about his ex. I said he did it 2 nights.

My SO can't stand his ex, and SD has very limited relationship with her, that's why she asked him and asks me about various health related issues, her mother is trouble. I wish it wasn't this way. :( I wish they all got along. But after meeting BM on several occasions i realized it will never happen. :( I actually was in a close proximity because SD wanted to ask me something in regards to nutrition during pregnancy.

My SO is overly sensitive and insecure when it comes to my ex, I am on great terms with ex and my SO is jealous. He admits he is jealous also because I and ex could do cooperative parenting even now when DD is adult, we could be at events together, my ex has a very nice classy wife, who could be around anyone. Nobody hates no one. I have good relationship with my exparents in law. SO never had any relationship with BM's family. They are nuts.

Mine and ex's situation is not embarrassing. Unfortunately it is not the case with BM. BM's BF cannot be shown in public, BM's family cannot be shown in public, BM cannot be shown anywhere, she truly is very embarrassing. SO never talks to her or about her anymore, she used to call and scream, often called drunk, while YSD still lived with dad and even after she moved on her own. It did slow down but she truly is very unpleasant and she is not a good mother hense SDs ask dad not her.

I don't think i am an exemplary member of our society or a model, but compare to her I am LOL in every sense. Hearing about her is not a positive experience. Even though I wished they got along, I honestly never want to hear about her much, unless it is emergency. And i luckily never hear much anymore.

No, SO will not discuss how she applied powder LOL, he is not the type, he does not talk about ex. Plus right after delivery of a 2nd baby BM had an affair, so SO is not up to discussing those "good" times with anyone.

I wish they got over their past and moved on, but I guess it is better for everyone that they do not interact. Honestly her BF scares the heck out of me. We live in the same city,.... don't ask. She bought a house by us with her inheritance and she and her BF walk everywhere at night, too drunk to drive, like walk along highways to bars or grocery stores (I mean we walk in the neighborhood too but for a different reason). SDs are very embarrassed of her.

Like i said not exactly people i want to hear about before dinner. "vomit" If she was a pleasant lady it would be a different story. I actually like talking about or to ex's wife, she is very sweet.

But in any case it only happened twice. Will see. I wonder what crazy stunts BM is going to perform when the baby comes.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

As a father, I , many times, tell stories to my children about my late wife or their mother. It is a way to teach children about where they came from and that their body contains both the gene from the mom and from the dad. Out of respect for my current wife, I would not bring the late wife up to compare and such in front of her, but I would want to feel free to tell stories to my own children about my past. I focus strictly on remembering and respecting the mother of my children. The present moments contain the past, just like our tomorrow contains today. We cannot ingore the past.

If my current wife gets upset because I share the stories of the past with my children then I would seriously considering leaving the relationship. A good friend told me that if we cannot bare our soul then the other person is not the right one for us.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

Po1 said some people just have poor manners, discussing intimate body experiences, mucous plugs or other stuff at work or in public is just bad manners. by this token it is OK to discuss passing gas or belching. just low class. nothing to be proud about.

Uh... Except when attending births and doing prenatal education IS your job. Frank discussion of placentas and stretch marks is part of the job description.
It's nice to know you think my work is low class and that I should be ashamed of it.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

Ceph, don't worry. I think it's all in context. There are appropriate times to talk about things and inappropriate times. And that goes for nearly everything.

I went out for lunch the other day to a Thai restaurant. Just me... ahhhhhh. I brought my book and planned a nice, leisurely lunch. This is a nicer restaurant, not a cafe/diner type. The table next to me had a bunch of women sitting there, and one woman spent the entire lunch talking, quite loudly, about her job as an undercover sting policewoman for prostitution. She talked about the johns, she talked about the prostitutes, she talked about guns and violence and, basically, her job.

I was very disgusted. I'd rather she talked about placentas and mucous plugs. At least they are clean and natural and healthy. I did not want to hear about 14 year olds going into prostitution while eating my lunch. I finally asked for a to-go box and left.

IMO, that was in poor taste. It's one thing if I were overhearing it, and quite another that she made it the business of the entire restaurant. I felt like her hostage. I don't watch Cops or CSI or anything like that because I don't like the images in my head.

I think your job is something to be proud about. There is not much cleaner, more natural or worthy than helping life come to this world. It's in the highest class of professions and I have nothing but respect for doulas, midwives and the amazing ob/gyn who helped me when I gave birth to my dd. It truly was a testimony to her character that she supported my decisions and made sure the hospital stuck by my birth plan for the entire three days I was in labor and then helped me sneak the placenta out against hospital regulations so I could plant it under a tree (oh yes I did!).


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

ceph, I don't think that comment was directed towards you.

I do agree with PO1 and silversword that it can be poor form to discuss anything very personal, particularly if it's unpleasant, where people other than friends or family are forced to overhear. Too often I've worked in cubicle-ville and been trying to concentrate on work while someone in the next cube is loudly discussing their dog's bouts of diarrhea, their teenage son's lack of personal hygiene, their sexual incompatibility with their spouse.... ARRGGGGHH!! SHUT UP!!!

But if the topic at hand is filtering software, a discussion may involve words or topics one would not normally be discussing at work - but then it is relevant. It's two different things.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

Ceph I don't think she was directing that comment towards you at all. It just-so-happened to come after your post.

What you do is really amazing! My sister was delivered by a midwife. If it wasn't for her, my sister probably would've died. Maybe even my mother, too.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

I disagree. I think that comment was directed at Ceph's post. A regular joe is not going to come up with the term "mucous plug" out of thin air. I know it's not in my vernacular.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

My husband is a civil engineer and owns his own firm. We have a professional atmosphere but also can be laid back. We had a very sweet girl that work with us as an intern that was expecting. We got to know her fairly well and we would do things outside of work with her & her DH. Closer to her due date she would come in usually after Dr. visits and pretty much tell us what the doc said. It was probably TMI but my DH has 3 kids, knows whats involed, and just listened. He never asked, but if she was telling he never would have told her he did'nt want to hear it.

As for BM's pregnancies. I know alot more than I should probably. He has shared all of their birth stories. They tell me stories they have been told about when they were babies. They talk about vacations they all took. Thats is their family. They have every right to talk about it. Is it uncomfortable? Sure it is but I just listen and act like no big deal. I'm glad they can remember the fun times they all had.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

Too busy during the week to read what's going on here...

nothing wrong with our job when we are at work, if topics are discussed in a professional setting or with a patient/client it is professional and honorable.

On the other hand if we discuss our professional or personal body specifics in public (like someone's colleague or colleagues like in mattie's story or at dinner table for everyone to listen) then some things would appear as poor manners. Does not matter which body functions are discussed.

I think it is equally poor manners to publically discuss bodilly functions pertained to pregnancy or constipation or bad breath or (insert body parts or functions). But it is just me. Many people think if it is natural, it is all good.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

So you're saying:

Public = bad manners
Private = ????

I think in the first example, perfectly fine. In the second example, inappropriate.

Last two nights I overheard...things like "when your mom was pregnant with you"...I don't think SO realized that i heard, but frankly I felt weird. I am not upset by no means but wonder...

I recalled that 2 years ago i attended some event with DD, my ex, and ex's wife who was pregnant at the time. My ex proceeded discussing my pregnancy... I think my ex was insensitive a$$.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

yes discussing your own bodilly functions in private with your doctor or loved one is appropriate, dicussing it in public is bad manners. discussing someone else's bodilly functions (or bodilly functions in general) is probably a bad idea no matter public or private unless of course a parent is discussing bodilly functions of a minor child with that child's pediatrician. I had a colleague who thought that "bathroom talk" is entirelly fun topic in lunch room. I don't think so.

But this is entirelly different topic. There is no issue with SO. I wish his ex was nice and got along with SO and their kids. Nothing could be done about that. Not my job.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

If it bothers you, it bothers you, but he wasn't doing it to do so. I agree, it's good that he's relating with his daughter, my relationship with mine has been fraught.

It was a while before I could even mention, politely, BM but she will come into conversations with my daughter, and since I'm male, relating things to mum is natural in conversation.

Try not to let it get to you, within reason. You also need to remember that it's SD's mother they're talking about, so relating pregnancy tales etc as they pertain to SD's own gestation is natural, and healthy.


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RE: 'when BM was pregnant'-your opinion

It does not bother me, i just wondered what people think. It was one time deal, SO does not like to talk about BM, she is very nasty.

Now my SO complains that SD talks 24/7 about pregnancy and complains all the time. SD always talks about herself and her body excessively but now when she is pregnant it is obviously 100 times more.

Younger SD went to visit and said that she nagged 24/7 how big she is how she needs maternity clothes and how she cannot go anywhere because she looks huge, but she isn't even showing. LOL

None of that bothers me though, SD talks to me but not that excessively. I don't buy BS. LOL SO and younger SD could deal with this. :)


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