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IV D Issues

Posted by momof3_stepof1 (My Page) on
Mon, Oct 3, 11 at 17:20

Ok, so my dh did file with the Title IV D office. Problem is he's had to file with the old county where the case is out of..... it's probably the 2nd biggest county in Indiana. Anyway, they are plum lazy!!! They don't like doing their jobs properly. We asked them about wage withholding and why she hadn't gotten one issued yet. It clearly states in Indiana's child support rules and guidelines that Title IV D CAN issue one when there isn't one issued or ordered. They stated to my dh that because it's not in the court order they didn't know what they could do. I've spoken to my counties office and to someone who worked out of another county.... that's absolutely WRONG! UGH!! I hate government workers who can't simply do their job. How hard would it be to issue the IWO? Not hard.... I've been told by my caseworker they enter the payors ss number into a computer and it brings up any employers they then issue the iwo. This county working my dh's case can't seem to figure that out and they're HUGE! OMG!

BM did state that they are all over her though and have threatened warrants. HAHA! That does make me happy. Though it's not done one bit of good yet cause she's yet to make any payments towards arrearages. She told dh she'd send some money out today... but I'm guessing it's just 4 weeks worth like she usually sends when she does send. She also told dh that she just doesn't get why they're all over her.... her dad owed her mom $50,000 and he never got put in jail. So... I'm SOOOOOOO glad we filed Title IV D cause to me it sounds like she never had any intentions of ever staying current with her support. Now maybe..... MAYBE she'll be scared enough to get her crap together. We shall see.

She's not getting ss for her weekend in October. We have plans to go to NY for fall break... end of month. She wanted him then, he told her he wanted to go with us. He knew we were going, we didn't know which weekend she wanted till yesterday so he told her without even discussing it with us that he was going with us. Ok by me. She then asked if he wanted to come this weekend or next, he said no. He wants to go to his football practices and games. So she told dh she'd just get him at Thanksgiving. None of this was discussed with dh prior to her conversation with ss. So we were NOT an influence as to his decisions. She said her feelings were hurt... wah wah wah!!!! If she was truely that upset in my opinion she'd get her butt in the car and drive over to watch him play one of his games. She doesn't care to do that. UGH!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: IV D Issues

Could you ask to speak to someone with a brain? No don't do that. How about ask to speak to a supervisor? I'm not in IN but it's the same title IV D and its super easy to do. It took three days to set up, notify the employer and it came out of the next pay check. Period.

I'm glad to know they are all over her. At least they are doing something. You may just have a dumba$$ with no brain cells over the phone.

As far as the visits with BM go, honestly I don't like this chick but it's not up to SS if he visits his mom. It's up to your DH to have him available to see her. If she doesn't want to get him this weekend or next weekend then that is her loss but letting SS decide when he wants to see her and what is more important to him, is wrong. And will only lead to more troubles. Not to mention, mom gets pissed about CS and develops some brain matter of her own, and files contempt charges stating that Dh is withholding visitation. SS can't decide on visits until he is 18. Period. I've researched enough family law across all states to know that IN isn't going to be 'ok' with dad letting jr choose his visits with mom.

As the custodial parent in this house, I know how frustrating it is that she moved and makes it difficult for SS to be in activities that he wants to he in but the activities are not as important as visiting his mom. Even if he hates it. My Dd does not like going to Dad's right now. She really wants to participate in a one time event with dance that falls on a Saturday and a Thursday when she will be with dad. I know he won't allow her to go so I just told her up front 'oops sorry babe, that is your dad's day and weekend, maybe next year'. She doesn't even get dispappointed or upset because I've never let her choose or given her the impression that it's up to her at all. because it's not. It's his parenting time and I can't dictate what takes place during his time. He never shows up for anything and I'm sure it hurts her feelings that all the kids have their dad's but I can't force him nor can I change the way he is. We are in acceptance mode in this household. We don't sign her up for things that I know will be a problem, I don't even try to get dad to agree. Period. It's his time and even when he cancels and doesn't even get her, oh well, the headache isn't there if I just accept that these weekends are not mine and I don't schedule anything on them. And yep, that means my Dd has never been on a sports team and never will. There is more to life than sports. And building a relationship with the other parent, no matter how crappy that parent is, is more important.

I hope you'll just read what I said and not take offense to it. It took me 5 years of therapy and a lawyer and a judge to get me to where I am mentally. It does suck for the kids that don't get to participate in parties or sports or whatever but if you don't show disappointment or anxiety, then they won't feed off of it and feel those same emotions. My Dd gets told by both me and her dad that 'this is your time with dad do something with dad' and she is very happy to accept that answer.


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RE: IV D Issues

Are you sure the agency is not just inbetween IC 31-16-15-2.5 along with IC 31-16-15-3.5?

They do appear to have notified her of intentions to collect as she has them hot on her heels and she's an unhappy camper.

From reading the Indiana Codes it reads like without the income withholding order in the original orders of CS they can issue the withholding order themselves in IV D after they begin process and notify. Is that the process step occuring now aka 'you are t begin paying this or we can and will blah blah blah, you have until _____to contact and establish intent blah blah?


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RE: IV D Issues

The person dh spoke to over the phone was apparently the "assistant director"... I still say she didn't have any brain cells. I'm not sure where they're at jmt.... I just know what my dh told me. I was there while he was talking to them on the phone but didn't actually hear what they said. He was asking me what to ask and the lady told him I didn't know what I was talking about. I was FURIOUS! I then sent her an email that told her my background dealing with sperm donor, that I've been working VERY closely with my caseworkers and I've also spoken to someone who worked in another county... a cousin. I will also add that my other cousin is the attorney for cps in that county. She used to do family law. I then copied and pasted the laws and told her I absolutely do know what I'm talking about and she needs to be more helpful to my dh. She sent me an email back stating she couldn't speak to me about the case and to have my dh call her if he needed something. I responded with the fact that I know she can't speak to me and that I wasn't asking her to, that I was simply asking her to do her job and be more helpful when my dh does call her. I copied dh on this and he's fine with it. (He knows I get things done..... he spoke to football coach Sunday regarding ds8 and got nowhere so he has put me on that mission now as well. LOL! I'm the mean one! HAHA!) In the past with my cases I've had to go above my caseworkers head and the prosecutors head and went to Indy where they got in contact with my county and got them moving. I'm not afraid to do this with my dh's case as well..... since bm now says they are all over her I'm backing off for a bit to see what happens. I'm just so freaked out about it getting as out of hand as sperm donor's has. It all has to start with $784....

As far as the visits, myfampg.... I was at work when ss talked to his bm. DH called me and informed me of the situation. He has repeatedly told bm that whatever she decides as far as visits he will stand behind her. If she absolutely wants ss to come to her then he will force it. EVERYTIME he states that to bm she says, "no that's ok he can stay there".... It'd just be really nice if we could just pick one weekend every month, you know, the third or forth weekend EVERY month and that's just it. That's when he goes but Nooooooooo, she can't commit to an organized schedule. We have to wait and see what her plans are first. I think if she ever decided to take this to court we'd be covered. I write EVERYTHING down in a calendar book. I'll write that bm wanted ss then changed her mind, etc etc. She's already proven she's not afraid to lie to a judge in court, I'm not letting her get away with getting dh in trouble.


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RE: IV D Issues

I understand what you mean, myfam, but we have also been in MomOf3's position regarding visitation. I agree to a certain extent that kids should not get to pick and choose which parent has the better offer for a particular weekend, or set their own schedule - IF there is a set schedule. But it sounds like MomOf3's SS is in the same position my SS was; where BM would call Friday afternoons to announce that she wanted to "have him" for "her weekend". We were completely unable to make plans for any weekend, because BM simply would not commit more than 24 hours ahead of time.

I also have issues with chronic cancelers even when there is a set schedule. What message is that sending to the child? I've got to think that they are learning that the NCP's time is more important than theirs, that their purpose is to be at someone else's beck and call, that rules are different for different people.

Picture a little girl whose Daddy cancels over and over, but she is supposed to just accept it. Now imagine her all grown up and dating - with a BF who just doesn't show up for dates and/or leaves her stranded. D'ya think she'll kick him to the curb as he deserves, or keep giving him "one more chance"? She's already been trained for years that it's OK for people to let her down, to stand her up, to cancel on her. :-(

My frustration with the family court system is their apparent belief that almost all parents give a dam* about what's best for their children, or that the children always "need" an ongoing relationship with both parents. Thirty years ago if a deadbeat parent disappeared for years at a time, the child would often find a "surrogate" parent; a teacher, scout leader, neighbor, friend's parent or relative. And if deadbeat showed up after prolonged absences custodial parent and/or child could more than likely tell them to go pound salt if they chose.

I'm not saying that that would be an ideal situation, but I think sometimes the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. We try to keep children safe and protected from adults who will be a serious negative influence in their lives, yet at the same time are supposed to encourage a relationship with an irresponsible adult who will continuously let the child down?


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RE: IV D Issues

I 100% agree with you Mattie. It's a mixed message to let the child be in control yet the custodial family is at The NCP's beck and call. That is the problem with no set schedule. And this mom is a loser by all accounts. I will never begin to try to understand her thinking. I take back my previous post. I think momof3's Dh needs to set up a schedule some how but HOW is the question??

Mattie you describe my daughter's life... I'm scared for her future. Our judge told dad the consequences of his actions concerning a 'girl' and her father. What her teenage years will be like, her young adult years. The risks he is taking with her emotionally and the outcome is disappointing and frightening. I can do my best to guide her and help her understand that she is worthy and that it's not her fault but I can't 'make' her feel that way.
Cancellations have become so excessive that when he doesn't cancel it's a shock. My attorney tells me that cancellations are important to document and we can change the schedule based on excessive cancellations and put rules on dad to make it either difficult or penalize him for it. But that has yet to happen.

My daughter had a bad weekend with her dad and has to go again this weekend. She is already trying to come up with excuses to not have to go. I told her she is going. No way around it. If he cancels thats bonus for me and she will be relieved but I am not going to let her decide if she is going or not, even if she ends up not going. It isn't her choice. If I ever let her feel that she has a choice in this matter, where is the line drawn? It will only grow into other problems where she feels she can control our lives and what we do, where we go etc.

I was told this by the judge once and I've read this on many legal websites and forums; it's the right of the NCP to have access and visitstion to their child. It is the obligation of the CP to have the child ready and accessible should the NCP choose to exercise their rights. The burden is on the CP and if the burden is too much, being the NCP might be a better role for you so that you are no longer obligated to present the child for the NCP to exercise their rights.

I think it's wrong that some people take such advantage of being the NCP that they literally have no responsibility to the child, but that is why they are only the NCP.


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RE: IV D Issues

Just so we are clear..... my dh doesn't give ss the choice, bm does. She talks to ss BEFORE she talks to dh. She gave him the choice. DH told her he'd make him go but she's says no.


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RE: IV D Issues

As always I'm on your side momof3. Don't be defensive. Your original post made it appear that SS was in control of if he wants to go or not. But then you cleared that up and I took back my original response.


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RE: IV D Issues

Well, you are right, he is in control but it's not dh that gives him the control, bm does. She always has. When she was custodial dh never gave him a choice, if it was our weekend he was coming. UNLESS there was something BIG that he REALLY wanted to go to. Then we switched. Usually though bm had her plans for her kid free weekend lined up and wouldn't keep him anyway. We also had gone to her old town for his sports events so he could still play and we'd watch. She just won't do that. You are right though. I've asked DH numerous times to get a schedule. I don't know if he's really ever put it out to bm that we need one. He HATES talking to her. I really figured she'd want him next weekend since it's one month from the previous visit but she was going for end of month. IDK.... just so random. I hate it.


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RE: IV D Issues

Condsidering BM had SS all summer, I think it'd be pretty selfish of her to get riled up over SS wanting to go to NY with Dad and the rest. Hope you have a relaxing break, by the way...you've worked hard and deserve a bit of down time.

Personally, as there is no clear set weekend a month that BM has for visitation in the plan order, if I were DH I'd see if she would mutually agree to previewing a calender for like a six month period and now pre-selecting which weekend is her first choice. (Not counting whatever holiday time is already scheduled)

It'd give both the child and his parents plenty of notice and time to then pencil events and family activities wihtout being the 'bad guy'. The worst that BM could do is say 'h*ll no'. It's not the typical parenting plan that leaves the weekend/s each month totally up for grabs (or whim?) without some kind of set schedule and/or at least a mutual switch agreement. The parenting plan stated "at least one weekend a month". I think it's taking great advantage of the wording for her to assume she can take whatever one she wants and/or call last minute and cancel yet expect another be rearranged to accomodate all her last minute changes. The wording Mom3 posted a whle back does not indicate that BM runs the visitation schedule at BM's desire, when and if she desires.

Actually I'd question if 'at least one weekend a month' meant Dad had to bend over backwards to let her pick and choose each and every month to begin with. And then especially if she cancels a mutual agreed to weekend at the last minute, I don't see where that loose wide open wording in the plan gives her any room to approach a court whining being denied her weekend if she cancels the one she requested.

I'm curious. Has BM paid anything at all recently? I'm curious as to how she's doing handling both the CS and the new car payments.


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JMT.... Thank you very much! We hope to have a good time. My sister just moved to NY so we are going to visit.

I would LOVE to schedule for 6 months ahead. BM would NEVER go for it. But I'll ask DH to ask her. She is ALL about her and what she wants. It's always been that way. She absolutely did think she could have any of those three weekends she wanted without even speaking to dh about it first. She went straight to ss. SS only has 2 weeks of football left, there's one weekend in between football and NY.... that's the ONE weekend she didn't want. Imagine that!

BM has paid ONE payment of $224... 4 weeks worth since June 7. That was paid September 7. She told DH she was sending money out Monday. She didn't say how much and it hasn't hit the hotline yet for me to know if she sent it and how much it was. This would be the payment for July... BUT if she's paying September, don't know what she's thinking... but both of those months had the 5 weeks in them. If she's simply paying one month with no arrears included it should be at least 5 weeks worth. But she's NEVER sent 5 weeks before. She was just always assuming every month had the 4 weeks. Which if always paid each month would still leave her 4 weeks behind at year end.


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RE: IV D Issues

Hmmmmm, it's Thursday and no support yet. If it's mailed on Friday it'll post on the hotline no later than Tuesday, and that includes the weekend. It should've posted the morning if it had been sent Monday. DH asked me this morning if it had posted and I said no. He then commented that he didn't think she really sent it. I just can't believe she is pushing them like this. They have threatened action against her and she just believes she's above the law.


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RE: IV D Issues

Holiday on Monday....

Add a day or two

Mine is late too. I'm sure it's bc we just had a new support order entered and it changed, however it kind of tics me off when it is slow to arrive. It's not like I can tell my child, sorry no CS no dance/no shoes/ no food etc. Electric company won't care either ...


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RE: IV D Issues

And still nothing today. This tells me she didn't send anything. So another month added to arrears.... and it's a 5 week month. She obviously isn't afraid or believing the theats from the state. "The law doesn't apply to her".... You are right myfampg.... the kids can't go without whether the parents pay the support or not. They just don't get it. With her, as long as she's driving a nice vehicle, she has her smokes and her choice of beer then really, who cares about the rest of the world. She knows her son won't go without.

On another note. I got a letter from an attorney yesterday. My son's braces bill has been sent to them. Mind you, this is the portion of the bill that is left due to the fact that bd of ds16 kept a $1500 insurance check. The balance is $978. The Dr and the lawyer know that dad did this but he refused to sign the financial agreement so it's in my name. I have to be the one to take him to court over it. I cannot afford an attorney so I WILL be doing this pro se. Does anyone have any advice for me to do this? I do not want this affecting my credit, especially since it's money he received for the services and he spent it. I paid every last dime of the uninsured portion of the bill, $2694. So after my first $369ish and then 50/50 he owes me like $1162. I was being nice and told him he could pay the dr back first and me after that. We verbally agreed to this. DS16's sm has called me twice after I left a message for bd to call me back. I AM NOT talking to her about it. The last time we spoke about it she told me that braces was not medically necessary and bd didn't have to pay at all. She also then turned a bunch of untrue stuff around on me trying to say they could take me to court and win a bunch. (She really has no clue! I've read the support guidelines and parenting times through numerous times.... each thing she's talking about is bogus, she's a HUGE liar and instigator.) When this does go to court, am I able to ask that she be left in the hall? I don't want her big mouth open during the hearing. I have NEVER asked for a review of support from this man..... I have only asked for help with sports activities once, and he paid $25 toward a pair of $50 cleats. I have always always paid for everything else. He doesn't even buy him birthday or Christmas gifts. It sounds like he makes decent money but sm doesn't work and they live in an $1100 per month home... it's not nice but that's what you get in Indy and it's a rent to own. Plus her adult child lives there with his two kids and wife. I'm just furious! I actually had an anxiety attack so bad last night I had chest pains. I was trying to stay calm about everything and that letter came. UGH!!!!!!!!!! I just can't win for nothing. WHY did we have these children with such POS's?


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RE: IV D Issues

"WHY did we have these children with such POS's?"

I gotta admit, as one of the few men that regularly checks into this forum, and reading all of the horror stories from you all about the deadbeat/drunk/drug-addicted/lying/non-involved fathers you are dealing with, I have often asked that same question.

While I hate my ex with a passion for cheating on me multiple times, otherwise she is a good person. Good mom, has a good job, treats people with respect (except for me..lol), no substance issues, etc. Looking back, I can't really ask myself that question. But I probably should have asked myself did I have enough in common with this girl for the marriage to last? Oh well...I guess I was blinded by her looks...probably not the first guy to make that mistake...

But I think many women get involved and wind up having kids with guys of "less than stellar" character, and then wind up paying the price in terms of dealing with all the sh*t you are all dealing with. Reminds me of the old saying "men marry women expecting them not to change, while women marry men expecting to change them..." Big mistake either way......


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RE: IV D Issues

Well, mkroopy, I'd agree with you but I had my son while in high school at the age of 16. We were engaged but I called it off because we were too young. I went to college and tried to better myself while he on the other hand went downhill from the moment of the break up. I have tried very hard to be good to him. He is not a terrible guy, just isn't cooperating with paying this bill. His wife doesn't help matters. She's much older then him and tends to think she can manipulate us and control us. While he lets her I'm not about to. I just want this one bill out of my name. I don't want it to hurt my credit. Now I'm also having to find a new orthodontist for my other two children who were seeing him. One of which I've completely paid off... $4180.

Also.... we deal with my ss bm. We are the custodial parents.... she's not any better then any of these men. So I believe it goes both ways. It's not just men.


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mkroopy, your post made me laugh because I came to this forum because there were so many women who did not have men who were deadbeat, lying, non-involved fathers! My husband has had primary custody since long before I met him, and it was not easy to find somewhere where people could be supportive and understanding of a stepmother whose husband had custody.

Unfortunately I think sometimes it is just difficult to predict who will or will not be a good parent. Sometimes it is obvious that someone will probably not be - but I've seen some shady characters with rather questionable lifestyles who might never be good custodial parents, but care enough about their kids to pull it together for periods of time and be decent non-custodial parents. I've also seen people who are well-educated, professional, intelligent, caring, and who I would have predicted would have been stellar parents - but never seem to manage to really be anything other than barely adequate if that.

But back to topic - BM's CS is late too! Several months by now, I think. It is mildly irksome because our county supposedly is all over deadbeat "parents" - but not surprisingly that seems to be read as "deadbeat dads" while deadbeat mothers get a free pass.


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RE: IV D Issues

Maybe you can work out payment plan with the dentist. If you show you're willing to make steady monthly set payments to clean the bill he might go for it? The detist does know you didn't 'do' this, perhaps he's understanding enough to work with you?

I guess I don't understand why the insurance check was cut to Dad? Is the insurance in Dad's name?


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IV D Issues Again

jmt, we both have dental insurance. This particular provider pays to the subscriber when it's an out of network dentist. BUT... in BIG GIANT BOLD FACED LETTERS it states that it is an Indiana law punishable to NOT forward the check on to the appropriate people. We both had the same insurance, mine came to me and his went to him.... obviously mine got taken to the orthodontist and not spent by me. The orthodontist had a payment plan setup with him. They knew exactly what happened. They actually brought it to my attention. BUT because he stopped paying, and they didn't notify me that he stopped they went ahead and sent it on to an attorney. AND because I signed the financial agreement and not him it's now back in my name. I don't know what to do. It's already out of the orthodontists office.

Mattie... BM has paid ONE payment sice June 7, that was for 4 weeks. She is getting further and further behind. I don't understand the point of view that moms get off. BUT that is how I feel about how the county is treating this situation. It's very frustrating.


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RE: IV D Issues

Might not work, but if it has only gone to company's lawyer for collection instead of to actual bill collector agency, you might try calling the lawyers number and pleading. Falling over yourself with how sorry you are, if you'd of known blah blah. Perhaps they will still allow you to make payments either to original office or to corporate office. Can't hurt to try...and be soooo sweet and apologetic 'I intentiions are to set this straight and make good, I am ever so sorry that is has occured and I truly wish to work with you in accomplishing a complete payment blah blah'. yeah, they might tell you 'tough' but they might still be willing to work with you...it'll cost them more in the long run to persue this small amount in collections than to work directly with you.


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RE: IV D Issues

Still no CS for us here. This is very unusual -- don't mean to hijack your thread or anything.
I called the IV-D office in our county who handles our case and they say they haven't received support since Sept 2nd. The only reason I got the payment on the 16th of Sept is bc they hold one payment as a reserve in case this happens. So technically he is a month behind. They said I should call him and make sure that his employer did withhold it and let him know that it was never received and now it's been two pay periods. If his employer did withhold it but it was not mailed or was credited wrong, then he needs to notify his employer. I'm Leary to notify him bc of our horrible situation. I'm a tad bit scared of what might be going on. I hope he didn't lose his job.

I kinda don't know what to do... He is $860 behind as of today...


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Wow myfampg! You get as much behind in one month as we did in like 4 months. Oh the difference in the ordered amounts. A friend of mine had more in arrears in 9 months then I had in 9 years. LOL!!! That's because she's ordered $450 a week and I'm ordered $51. LOL! Anyway, It's really their job to contact the employer. I'd tell them they need to do it. Explain the situation to them, that ex dh never responds to any of your emails, calls, etc. It is possible that the employer just missed sending it. My dh's employer forgot many times and he would have to call her to get it sent. (He works for a very small company)

BM did send $224... 4 weeks worth. It's posted for Oct 11 meaning we will get it Oct 12. I just don't understand why she will NEVER send the 5 weeks. She's just getting herself more and more behind.... plus she's not making any effort to get caught up. Those threats they're making to her aren't going to go away. Plus, if she just continues they way she is, tax intercept is supposed to be automatic. It better happen. AND... I hope her dh is too stupid to file the injured spouse form. He's just as guilty as she is by not getting on her to send those payments when she was receiving unemployment... and he went with her to purchase the new car. (Plus he abandonded a kid, so he's just a pos anyway)


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reading mkroopy's last post, I wondered if he really KNOWS if his ex would not be a deadbeat if the tables turned & he had custody? My DH had 50/50 with BM when he met me. When he got custody, he didn't bother her for support for 9 months but finally did because he was under an order to pay her when he had their daughter. She was ordered to pay $216 a month (yeah, $49.80 per week.) She has refused saying she shouldn't have to pay because we have more than she does, she can't find a job *but did find one when DCSS was going to take her to court* (and embezzled from them), then decided to have another baby so she can say she can't work because she has a baby to take care of and tells DH she can't pay because she has another mouth to feed. She is now about $3000 in arrears. She has shown her true colors when in the beginning, she portrayed herself to be a "super mom". She was involved with school PTA & class mom. She took the kids to activities & helped with homework, etc. But in the last four years SD has been with us, not one school activity let alone outside activities. No help with homework or projects. Child Support aside, she is NOT the loving involved mother she portrays herself to be. She constantly puts herself before her child & it has caused, in my opinion, mental issues for her daughter.

I didn't mean to hijack the thread... it just made me wonder how many seemingly "good" parents would happily or at least readily pay what they need to for support of their kids if the kid went to live with the other parent? It seems to be one thing to do for your kids when they are with you but another thing to send money to someone else that actually has the kids & I think that is where most deadbeats brain goes... that they are sending money to an ex, not the child they created.


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I agree with you Ima, you're sd's bm and my ss's bm sound very much alike. My ss's bm hasn't been to one activity school or not since we got custody one year ago. She doesn't even know where the school is or what it looks like. I'm not sure she even knows the name of it.

I forgot to mention.... I spoke to ds16 bd. Friday he was supposed to call the attorney and put the bill in his name and set up arrangements with him. I spoke... NICE AND CALMLY and he agreed to do so. I asked the attorny to call me back and let me know he did so. Haven't heard yet. BUT.. I'm hopeful this will take care of that matter.


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RE: IV D Issues

The IvD office said he had to be 61 days behind before they will send a letter. Wtf? She said it might go faster if I notify him myself.

I agree -- all I ever hear is how much someone is paying their ex. Well you aren't paying your ex just cause, it's called reimbursement for expenses already incurred by YOUR child. I know so many NCP's that don't pay. I don't get it at all. It especially surprises me when it's a mom because I can't imagine 1. Giving up or Losing my kid, it would kill me. 2. Not wanting to provide for my kid.

And yep, I get a lot but he makes a lot. $860 is 20% of his net income.


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RE: IV D Issues

Football and practices should not replace a parent. period. A child should have regular visitations with the other parent that includes that child spending time with that parent in their enviroment. Priorities people. The other parent should encourage the child to visit and have a relationship with the other parent. A parent who does not do that or make that other relationship a priority in the child's life does not care about their child. This is not a popularity contest. This is not about you or the other parent. It is about the child and teaching that child to respect and honor their parent. There are no conditions or justifications on that either. Crappy behavior does not justify more crappy behavior. I have been on both sides of this. Take the high road.


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RE: IV D Issues

"A child should have regular visitations with the other parent that includes that child spending time with that parent in their environment. Priorities people. The other parent should encourage the child to visit and have a relationship with the other parent"

That is true. IF the parent wants to spend time with the child. In my situation, BM demands her weekends and refuses to allow SD to participate in sports/activities here because it would interfere with "her time". But for the last four years, she spends "her time" ignoring SD, not spending the weekends with her. SD used to spend the weekend with her BF's parents and now spends time with BF's exW. After four years, it is obvious that BM is less interested in giving SD what SD wants, which is attention & a relationship. But she has made sure SD doesn't have a life here either... she's kept her from being in activities. In my situation, it should be up to SD if she wants to visit mom or participate in activities... and if mom cares, mom will come to the activities.

I agree, it's not a popularity contest but sometimes it's best for parents to allow a child to have a life & rearrange their life around the child's activities & life, which makes the child feel important. It is the child's happiness that should be above the parent's, not just what is convenient for the parent. I agree, parents should encourage the child to have a relationship with the other parent, but the other parent is ultimately responsible for their own relationship with the child. That's just my biased opinion based on what I've seen with my SD. I have also been on both sides with my own child. I always made time for my kids, went out of my way to be there for them & made them my priority. Sadly, I have found that not all parents feel the same way toward parenthood.


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RE: IV D Issues

WonderinginChicago..... please read everything before you make comments. BM spoke to ss BEFORE she spoke to dh. SHE asked ss if he wanted to come to her house. He told HER no. She then spoke to Dh and dh clearly told her that if she wanted him he would make that happen. SHE told him NO, that's ok. If she was really concerned about seeing him she would've asked dh to go ahead and explain it to ss.... which he would have done. Also, she is perfectly capable of driving over here and watching him play his last game. She's also perfectly capable of getting him not this weekend but next weekend when we have NOTHING going on, this just does not suit her schedule. We have NOTHING set in stone as to set visitation, I've asked this be done but it hasn't. That'd be to much interference in her schedule. You cannot force the other parent to want the child. IF there was a SET schedule for ss to go by we would definitely enforce it but you cannot just up and say.... "oh, your mom has decided right now that next weekend you are going...." That's not fair to the kid... it's also not DH's fault that bm gives ss the power to decide when he goes... kinda.. cause she didn't want him the weekend he's available. And NO, this isn't a popularity contest.... BM doesn't give two craps about ss, she cares more about herself and ss is beginning to realize this. He has a life, bm doesn't want to commit to a schedule then why should ss drop whatever he's doing when she says so.

Dh talked to bm yesterday. She had to pay her lawyer $200 to fix the date problem with the courts. The problem that states she owes back to 2010. I think that's kinda funny. BUT... bm thinks this is getting her out of the whole problem. The IV D office has now sent her letters regarding wage garnishment. Finally. BM thinks talking to her lawyer about the date thing will take care of everything and she can just continue on how she has been. Which we all know isn't going to happen. The guidelines state that they will garnish wages, especially if noncustodial parent isn't paying in a timely matter or the full amount owed... since bm only really pays 4 weeks worth about every 5-6 weeks... when she does pay... that's not fully cooperating and I believe she'll be garnished here shortly. I can't believe she still calls dh and talks to him like he's her best friend though. I like the info but it drives me NUTS that she thinks their friends. DH can't stand her.

Then.... she asked if we are still planning to go to NY. (Because she promises things all the time and doesn't pull through)... DH said yes.... then she asked if she needed to sign some kind of release allowing dh to get ss treatment in NY if he were to get hurt. OMG!!! She took him to Florida in March and never asked us to give her one. Does she really still think she's the oh so powerful one here? She's just so dumb! DH told her that no, he didn't. That that's just for the her needing one from him... cause he's custodial. She probably still thinks she could up and take him back right now if she wanted. She's really dumb. Her ignorance drives me insane.


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RE: IV D Issues

--"The IV D office has now sent her letters regarding wage garnishment. Finally. "--

Progress! Hang in there. BM is going to find dealing with the State is not at all like it was when all she had to do was whine to DH and do as she pleased.


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RE: IV D Issues

Haha, JMT! I'm trying! I went to dr yesterday and was prescribed something longer lasting for my anxiety/depression/sleep. I haven't picked it up yet cause I'm scared how much it'll be... waiting till payday. BM isn't going to like it one bit. It's out of dh's hands now though. He now gets to say... you'll have to take it up with the state. I LOVE getting to say that to sperm donor. HAHA! I really wish I could tell bm to search his name on the Indiana Department of Corrections website cause it specifically states his length of stay and what he's in for... "non support of a child".... so that she would believe she really has to take care of this... but I don't talk to her so I won't be doing that.


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RE: IV D Issues

I DID read everything before I posted. You don't get it. A child should NOT be allowed to make the decision on whether or not he/she is visiting the other parent. Neither parent should ask, it should just happen. It never even entered my kids minds that it was an option. Why does yours feel like it is? The point is it SHOULD be set in stone. Whether it's once a month or once a week. If she can't commit to once a month then she's done. It's not fair to the kid. But no matter what it is not the child's decision. You are the parent.


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RE: IV D Issues

It 'should' be in stone but the courts didn't put it in stone.

Momof3 and her Dh can't force BM to get the kid and the order doesn't say if she doesn't take the 2nd weekend of the month she is done. It says she can have 1 weekend a month. It doesn't specify. Momof3 can't control this situation-- he is not her child. That is up to his parents and if his mom refuses to get him Dad cannot force her. She clearly stated BM gave him the option before talking to Dad. Dad can't do anything about what mom did or does.


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RE: IV D Issues

Wondering, I think what Mom3 meant in her 'read' statement was all her threads not just this one. And no, she is not the 'parent' to this child, she is the stepmother...the 'parent' would be the Dad who has to work many overtime hours and can't do the running and the BM...the one who lives three hours away out of state and dumped the kid for a new boyfriend and can't be bothered to assist in visitation traveling. Mom3 is the lady who gets to be 'Mom' 24/7. The one who has to usually do most of the traveling for what visitations there are. The one who also works many weeks filled with overtime herself on top of raising four boys. It cost her more in traveling money for the child to see his BM than is recieved in CS (that is when CS is received). Why? Because BM can't be bothered to do her share of the traveling back and forth. It amounts to 'bring the kid to me when and/or if I wanna see him'

Without a set ordered schedule in place this BM can basically call at the day of deciding to want to see her child and request he be brought over (and picked up) this weekend.

The BM called and asked 'wanna come?' Kid says nope. Then asked kid if he wanted to come another weekend. Kid said nope. At no time did this BM pick up the phone, call Dad (the other parent) and say 'I want kid next weekend' (or this or that weekend). Nope, BM just called kid, kid told her 'no, thanks' and afterward kid informs Dad/Mom3 what transpired.

Instead of harping at Mom3 that she's the parent, she makes the decision and the kid should not get a choice blah blah blah, perhaps you'd like to save that line for the BM who next announced she'd just see him at Thanksgiving. Notice that was not a 'I'll talk to your Dad" it was just a 'Meh, no biggie, see you in like 7 weeks'.


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RE: IV D Issues

JMT you amaze me. Your commitment to us in this forum is outstanding. You remember the details that matter to the heart of each of us and for that I send a huge hug and thank YOU!!

I agree 100% with what you wrote. It's all in the facts and details. Momof3 does everything that neither parent will do or can do and yet she isn't really the parent. But she has to be because there isn't another option.


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RE: IV D Issues

Thank you JMT and myfampg, you two definitely get it. DH isn't going to force bm to take her visits. Forcing someone to take their visits just insures the kid boredom, plus his behavior changes so much just before he goes over there.

I will add, I just looked over dh's phone for a minute.... BM sent him her email address. Not sure why, didn't ask. I will later. BUT that email address told me where she works. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! NOW, dh can call (or I can send and email from his account) to the IV D office letting them know where bm is working so they can issue the income withholding order. Also, she's employed there under her married name...she hasn't changed her name yet with the support office. So they would've had a hard time getting that garnishment order served. Yet again, she's so naive in thinking my dh is her "friend".


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RE: IV D Issues

DH spoke to IV D office today. They will be issuing a wage withholding order soon. Pretty much nothing bm can do about it. Since we now have the employer information and all she's sol! The arrears should be taken care of with added weekly amounts. BM's first check with a garnishment... I promise we'll be getting a phone call. She'll be livid. Oh well!!! I think my little rant on the support office worked. Sometimes being nice isn't all it's cracked up to be.


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