Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Resenting my partners child.

Posted by mascara (My Page) on
Thu, Oct 15, 09 at 17:11

I am 19, and my partner is 23. He has a six year old son from a previous relationship. The mother split with him as soon as she found out she was pregnant, and is now in a gay relationship. She prevented him seeing his child for 3 years or so after he was born.


Now, after being in a serious of verbally, physically and sexually abusive relationships, I am so happy to have found someone who is kind, faithful, gentle, thoughtful and who genuinly loves me. However, I am really struggling with dealing with him having a child. At the beginning of our relationship I spend every weekend with them, went to hospital with them (his son has kidney failure and needs dialysis 3 times a week), drove them to the park, the play centre, the shops, whereever they wanted to go. But I now haven't seen his son for months. He is a lovely kid, but I have slowly grown to hate him. I don't want to see him because I don't want him to pick up on this. I get on with his son really well, he is polite, friendly, and has been raised very well. I don't hate HIM just the idea of him. I hate that my partner has a child with another woman, and I either have to be weekend mum which at my age I struggle with, or cut all ties. Whenever I am with both of them my partner completely ignores me and I end up just being their taxi driver. He works late during the week so I only see him a couple of nights and spends every weekend with his son.

I have never and would never ask him to stop seeing his son, however, I have asked him to cut it back to every other weekend, so we can spend more time together. He said I was being unreasonable, however, I always believed relationships are about compromise, which I am trying to do. I don't want this relationship to end, but I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable? How can I deal with this situation better?

I love him so much. And I wish I could go back to the time where I was ok with all this. I've tried explaining that the problem is that he ignores me when we're together and he says that he's a child so needs all his attention. I understand to a certain extent, but I might as well not be there.

I always wanted to have my first child and make it a shared experience. But I know if I want that to happen I can't stay in this relationship. So do I give up on my dreams, or change them? I am concerned that my partners son will always come before our own children if we decide to have them one day.

When we first got together, I loved how mature he was, and seeing how much of a good dad he was made me even more attracted to him. But I now resent his child - and him a little bit - so much that I'm scared my feelings are too deep rooted to change.

Please help.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

You're 19 and all of your other serious relationships have been abusive in some way.
This one ALSO brings a lot of pain with it -- a six your old son with kidney failure?

There are LOTS of really good men out there who have ZERO baggage at this stage in their lives.
At 19, you should not HAVE to make a compromise this big.
And I'm sorry to say this and don't mean it unkindly, but your BF ALSO should not have to compromise on seeing his very sick child as much as possible.

He may be kind to you, sweet, mature, considerate, hotter than all get out --
but this relationship has some really BIG problems.
Ture, it's a different set than the one you're used to --
but how about trying for a great relationship with NO serious problems?

They DO exist...


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

My 2 cents say you will only be happy when you move on.

Kudos to Dad for spending every weekend with son and totally enjoying the time together. And yeah, I'll be 'impolite' and say it, shame on you for asking BF to cut son back to EOW. You get BF two nights a week during the week and the son gets him 2 days a weekend--but you'd rather have BF 4 days to expect him to give up 'son' time. Unreasonable. Selfish and immature of you.

Your 19, you have a dream of being center of attention with a man with responsibilities and a grown up life that includes his son. Find your dream guy with someone new that can give you what you want/need, this guy has his priorities already correctly lined up.

If you try to 'change' and accept the current arrangement, you won't be happy because it's not what you want nor the way you want your young life to be.

If you've been in a series of abusive relationships and are only 19, maybe it's time for some 'me' time where you take things slow (why the rush for a steady relationship?) , a bit of pro-help to deal with any past issues perhaps still not dealt with, and work on finshing your education. You have a whole life ahead of you, no rush.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

WOW you seriously asked this guy to cut his visitation with his child back to every other weekend?
This should be an eye opener for him and for you. If you can't work past this then you need to just be done. asking him to see his son less because you need more time with hime blatently shows that you are not ready for this, and that is ok, after all you are only 19.
My DH raised my SD at 19 years old on his own full time until I came in the picture at 21. So I am saying this coming from a person who was young and single, and dated someone with a child (fulltime) Our dates consisted of chucky cheese and disney lol but you know how I knew it was right? I enjoyed every minute of those dates. On our honey moon we went to a wonderful place in mexico..with a toddler in tow, so hun if you can't handle weekend visitation run now while you can.......
My gut says that this scenario is not right for you, I would move on to someone without children........


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

It's youngsters like you I hope to impress upon the idea/concept/reality that "I love him" cannot and should not be the basis for everything. I know it is difficult to separate that part of your feelings but if you did, you'd find how much easier making decisions can be. You took too long to make them before because "I love him" stood in the way of your good judgment. Otherwise, you would not tell us "Now, after being in a serious of verbally, physically and sexually abusive relationships" because they would never have happened, would never have turned into relationships. You would have made the decision to exit at the first signs before they became abusive "relationships", meaning you wouldn't have stuck around to be subjected to the abuse. Now, you're repeating the same pattern and allowing your emotions be the deciding factor.

Conversely, I will say that it is immature of you to resent he spends time with his son. It seems some people forget that parenting is a full-time job, yet you complain that he does it on the weekends. However, that he acknowledges he ignores you when with his son takes me back to the decision you have to make mutually exclusive to "I love him." It's really a shame since it appears you were perfectly okay with spending time with them except that he ignored you. Sounds like his loss and you need to move on - back to that decision. Do you really want to be treated that way? I actually don't see any relationship with this guy at all, just you wishing there was because "I love him." Let "I love him" be the reason you sit around waiting, lonely, unloved, your needs unmet, and unhappy. Or make the decision that you can be all those things by yourself without him being the cause. What is it exactly you are happy to have found?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Well said thermometer!

I think you need to move on, seriously.
Are you worried that you won't find anyone else if you let this one go? You're only 19, bite the bullit and I'll guarantee you'll meet somebody else whom you'll fall in love with.

You cannot ask your BF to spend less time with son, that is just plain wrong. The son is more entitled to BF's time than you are. To ask a parent to cut back on time with his kid is NOT ok.

And you are never going to be 'weekend-mom', you are not his mom. I'm a SM myself and I definately don't see myself as their part-time mom, my skids have a mom and it's not me. I might be a parent-figure but that is still not the same.

Do the right thing and give everybody a change on happiness, including yourself


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

How can this be your dream guy if your dream is a man who can have his first child with you?

It's time to move on. You don't need to settle, your BF doesn't need a partner trying to keep him from his child, and his child doesn't need a step mom who resents him for no fault of his own. There are more people's happiness at stake here than just yours.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

These are all the answers I was dreading but also expecting...
Is there anyway I can go back to feeling how I did before about it?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

I also forgot to mention that he has no problem being late to pick his son up or missing the odd weekend if he's going out with his mates, but not if he is going out with me. I literally seem to be the bottom of his prioritis.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

"Is there anyway I can go back to feeling how I did before about it?"

The question you need to be asking is WHY you want this relationship to work so badly? (It's already not working. This relationship is doomed and you know it.) And WHY did you settle for all those abusive relationships before? Do you want to see yourself as the victim? The selfless martyr? The 'Stand By Your Man' at any cost woman? Do you feel that's all you have the right to expect?

Why not see your future self as the happy, self-sufficient single career girl with a great boyfriend? Why not as the happy bride? Why not the lucky woman married to a great guy who adores her and is a loving and responsible husband and father? Why not the middle-aged woman who is content with her life because she knows it's a good one? Why not as the old woman tottering down the street hand-in-hand with her old man husband, smiling over 50 years of mostly-happy memories?

Ask yourself why you can't envision yourself there instead...
And maybe get some professional help to change that ...


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Clearly this man is NOT your dream guy, he's just a better guy than your previous ones. I can't help but feel all of you will be happier if you cut the ties on this one and throw him back in the pond. Then, since you say all of your previous relationships (at such a young age) have been abusive, you really need to have a break.
Step back, learn to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, no one else will. Or at least, no one else will love you as well as you deserve to be loved. Get comfortable with yourself. Good men, in general, are attracted to independent women who are at ease with themselves and not desperate to hook up with a man (especially ANY man). "Needy" is a huge turn off to good men but a powerful attractant to abusive men. Believe it or not, you can be complete without a man in your life.
So, go your own way, get to know and love your own self, sit back and wait for the right man to come along. And if that takes a while, remember that the best things are worth waiting for.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

I was single for almost a year before I got with my boyfriend and we ended up together by accident, we have been friends for about 5 years.
I want this relationship to work because he is an incredible person. Everyone likes him, he is known for being one of the nicest guys around, and when he can, he treats me like a princess.
I just don't want to lose this battle.
Because of how easy everything was at the beginning, I never imagined we'd end up here.
I'm desperately trying to find a way to feel how I felt at the beginning but I don't know how I can.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

When he can . . or when it suits him?

It's not a battle, it's your life. Please believe me, if you already see it as a "battle" you are doomed from the get-go. You can't go backwards, and you can't get back the way things were. Situations and reactions change, and that changes us. You really do have your life in front of you - there is no point to talk yourself into staying here because of how things used to be. They aren't that way anymore, and that's just life.

Besides, who is to say that if you got the way it was back, you wouldn't end up where you are now a second time?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

"I just don't want to lose this battle."

Ahhh... So a relationship that doesn't last forever is "losing the battle"?
So choosing to end a relationship that isn't working for you is the same as being dumped?
Which is the same as being unlovable? As failing?

My StepSon was very unhappy in a destructive relationship once, and he too didn't want to "lose the battle". Both of them were committed to "making the relationship work" to prove to themselves that they could -- The only advice I could give him was this:

Sure, with enough effort, enough sacrifices and enough compromises, you can make a relationship LAST,
but if the situation isn't right, the circumstances aren't right, or the person isn't right,
you can't make the relationship GOOD.

What you need is not a relationship that LASTS --
it's a relationship that's GOOD.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

"I also forgot to mention that he has no problem being late to pick his son up or missing the odd weekend if he's going out with his mates, but not if he is going out with me. I literally seem to be the bottom of his prioritis."

One second he's the best thing since sliced bread and then you are saying he puts you on the bottom of his priority list. I'm a wee bit confused????

His son is sick honey. He needs to spend as much time as possible with the poor guy. You obviously need a man who will dedicate 100% of himself to YOU adn when there are children involved that won't happen.

News flash: If you have BIOLOGICAL children together you will no longer be the center of of each others universe either. Kids whether they are step or Bio drain energy, attention and resources. Either you are ready for it or you are not and it sounds very obvious that you are not.

Do yourself, your boyfriend and his child a favor and find a guy who is with out children. I think this is the only you way you will be able to be happy. Good luck.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

I am not going to reiterate the good advice that everyone has given to you because it was already said so well, and by so many.

Look, you're 19 and you have your entire life in front of you. There is no reason for you to be as desperate as this. Go out and live your life some before you settle down. You may be an adult by number, but it doesn't sound like you've matured into womanhood - and how could you without much life experience.

You don't appear to be emotionally ready to handle a serious relationship that involves a child. You will be doing a disservice to your boyfriend, his child, and especially to yourself if you choose to stay.

I was engaged to someone when I was your age and he broke it off for another woman (like I was really a woman at that time - LOL). When I look back thirty years ago to that point in my life, I was really devastated and I COULDN'T IMAGINE life without him. I wasn't mature enough for marriage and neither was he. He did me the biggest favor by dumping me. NOW I CANNOT IMAGINE what I would have missed if I settle down so young. Do yourself a favor and move on, gain some life experiences. The more experiences you have, the more you will grow. The more you grow, the less likely you are to settle.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Also, my mum said when she met my dad, he already had two children, and she said she felt the same way I did, but once they had me none of it mattered anymore, and everything was fine. I just don't know if it's a risk I can take. I'm so stuck.

But she also said that she always felt like my dad treated my brother and sister differently to me, and that he always sided with them if we fought and things like that.
I don't want to put my children through that. Do any other step parents feel that way or was it just bad parenting on my dads side?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

I just don't want to lose this battle.
Because of how easy everything was at the beginning, I never imagined we'd end up here.
I'm desperately trying to find a way to feel how I felt at the beginning but I don't know how I can.

No, you can't. You can't go backward, only forward. "the way I used to feel", was, in part, the excitement of a new relationship and the ability to imagine and hope for a future with really very little information on which to base the pretty daydreams. You know more now. You can't (and shouldn't) un-know what you've learned about him, about yourself, and about what your life with him would likely be like. From what you've said, I agree with everyone else that this is probably not a good relationship for you (which doesn't mean that he or you are not good people, or don't love each other, just not right for each other). Even if we are all wrong, though, you can't build a future with him by trying to go backward. You have to take everything you know now; how he treats you, how much time his son takes up, how well you are able to accept his son as a part of him and his life, everything else that YOU DIDN"T KNOW back when you felt all happy and gushy and in luuuvvvv (and i am not making fun of you, i am speaking from memory, we have all been there !) and see how you feel now and what a better-informed future looks like.

Ignorance is only bliss for a minute. In the long term, it just leads to bigger heartbreak. Don't let yourself put on blinders to try to get it back, embrace what you know, examine it and build on it if you need to, but don't try to ignore it or dismiss it so you can "get back to the way things used to be". Doesn't work.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Part of the fantasy is not wanting it to end, thinking you make the fantasy come true if you just keep trying and looking for something that isn't there because "I love him," when ending it what you need to be doing. If you stick around like you did in your other abusive relationships, then maybe he will love you one day. I think all of us in all the responses you received have made an incredibly big mistake in thinking your "Please help" request was genuine. We should have confirmed you instead and told you what you wanted to hear. At least that would end your confusion so you could go along in this relationship under the misconception that you love him . . . you love him using you . . . you love him ignoring you . . . you love him making you last in his life . . . you love thinking all of that makes him an incredible person. We should have told you his mistreatment is only your imagination. You'd feel so much better then.

Look up jekyl & hyde personalities and you'll see how everyone loves them and they are so incredibly wonderful to everyone they know - family, friends, neighbors, coworkers - except the woman they claim to love with the exception of the early days and weeks he is on exceptionally good behavior trying to woo her. He knew he was hooking you into thinking he was a wonderfuly guy, and he knows you have not seen the worst of him yet. I don't suppose that will convince either though. You'll keep asking people to help you get back to how you used to feel about him. Indication of your inability to end abusive relationships.

Tell us what you want from us, please.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

*Also, my mum said when she met my dad, he already had two children, and she said she felt the same way I did, but once they had me none of it mattered anymore, and everything was fine. I just don't know if it's a risk I can take. I'm so stuck.*

Quit grasping at straws. You are not stuck now and you won't be stuck if you open your eyes to other possibilities. You don't sound ready for this and if you force it, you just may find yourself stuck.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

I think you need to do yourself, your partner and especially the child here a huge favor move on.

He is a ill young child/ Of course his father wants to be with him & of course you & anyone else should take a backseat during his limited time with him.

It seems like you realize your feelings towards the child would be hurtful to him and are limiting your time with him to avoid causing him pain and I applaud you for that. That is very mature thinking on your part. But you already said how you feel, your partner is going to sense your feelings too. You will have to make tons of sacrfices like this if you stay together. Why not just get on with your life and meet someone without small children if you can't deal?

I admire your honesty in your post, you are a smart young woman to adress this now.

~Cat


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

you can't seriously ask a parent to cut their time wiht their children so they can be with you. of course you are on a bottom of his priority list, you are way too young and immature to consider serious relationship. and why would you want this commitment at 19? you should be in college busy wiht school, not dating men wiht children. move on. good luck.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

His child is not going to die, he is giving him his kidney within the next couple of months and if all goes well he will be perfectly normal.

I had to sit for over an hour not long ago listening to him apologize over and over again to his ex while she moaned at him for being a bad parent.

I KNOW I am being selfish, which is why I asked how to cope with this better.
I also know that it was probably a mistake getting into this relationship in the first place, however, as I said initially, I massively underestimated the pressure this would put on us, so there was no way I could have known that I'd feel like this.
When I have my own children it will be different. I will never want to nor have the option to be selfish.
But I am not ready to have children. This is one of the only periods of my life when I will get to think about my own feelings, and I'm not prepared to give that up until I have children of my own.

He makes no effort to include me when we are together, which is one of the many reasons I don't bother anymore, and when I have brought it up he says I need to make the effort myself. Which I did initially but to no avail.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

"His child is not going to die, he is giving him his kidney within the next couple of months and if all goes well he will be perfectly normal."

Are you for real???? This child is having a KIDNEY TRANSPLANT!!! This is not some minor outpatient surgery! Good grief. Transplants carry a huge amount of risk with them, and if it were my child having such a SERIOUS surgery, I would be beside myself with worry, and would not be wasting my time with piddly issues, like your relationship. THIS is NOT the time for you to be bringing up "issues" in your relationship!!!! This is the time for your boyfriend to focus 100% on his child.

And you said:

"When I have my own children it will be different. I will never want to nor have the option to be selfish.
But I am not ready to have children"

If you are not ready to have children, then you are not ready to be with a man who has a child. End of story.

End this relationship now for everyone's sake.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Mascara, you also said

"He makes no effort to include me when we are together, which is one of the many reasons I don't bother anymore, and when I have brought it up he says I need to make the effort myself. Which I did initially but to no avail."

I think the posters here who have advised you to get some counselling are bang on. (or as you adorable Brits would say "Spot On!!")

You are just 19, and you even say yourself that he does not include you with his child, and that he seems to put his "mates" first ahead of you. As sweeby and others have said, why put yourself thru this? I think you should distance yourself from this guy...in one of your posts, you mention you want things back to the way they were in the beginning. In relationships, I find that everyone is on their "best behaviour" at the beginning, it's all wine and roses, and romance and lala land. But it's a bit later, when the wine is has been drank and the roses have wilted that you see how the relationship REALLY is, how the other person really is, and how you are AROUND them. Did you ever watch the movie "Mrs.Doubtfire" with Sally Field and Robin Williams? (I know, weird movie choice but hey!:D ) In that movie, at one point Sally Field is talking about her marriage and she says "I didn't like who I was, who I became in the relationship". If you're not happy now with the relationship, and you're not happy with YOURSELF, just think what it will be like 6 months from now, or 1 year or 5 years from now. It's time to think about what "Mascara" needs and wants in her life, be kind to yourself or you won't be good for anything or anyone else. THere are many good guys out there, it's time for you to cut bait.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

"I KNOW I am being selfish, which is why I asked how to cope with this better."

OK - Let's split some hairs here. There's:

- SELFISH - My needs and wants are most important; Yours? Meh, not so much...
- SELFLESS - Whatever you need! I love you SO much I'd do anything for you... and
- LEGITIMATE SELF-INTEREST - Your needs are important to me, but my needs are important too. We need to find a balance...

So I think what you're feeling is some legitimate self-interest, but in a situation where your BF's life demands selfless sacrifice from him. He NEEDS to focus on his son right now, and his son NEEDS that kind of devotion. You have no part in this drama except as a distraction.

Now I may be way out of line here, but I also think you may be "dipping your foot in the deep end" of life --
What I mean by that is this: You're very young -- new at being an adult -- but ready to prove to yourself and the world that you're not a child and are ready to handle serious life and death issues. So to 'prove' your maturity and depth, you're trying out the role of the dramatic heroine in the tragic love story. Very romantic. Noble lover. Loyal girl. Doomed from the start. Shadow of death. Selfless sacrifice. How tragic. How romantic...

OK - You've proved that you can do it. Sorta. If you have to. (But you don't!) Do you like this role? (No) Do you want to keep this role? (No)

"I also know that it was probably a mistake getting into this relationship in the first place"
"But I am not ready to have children. This is one of the only periods of my life when I will get to think about my own feelings, and I'm not prepared to give that up"

That's the real mature part of your brain talking. Listen to THAT voice instead of the 'tragic romance' drama queen.
This particular romance will demand absolute sacrifice from you of the SELFLESS variety. Lots of it. For years -- probably the entire first half of your 20's if all goes well. (Not to mention the mountain of medical debt for the next few decades.) Do you really want to give up your best years to SELFLESS caretaking for someone else's sick kid?

You already know you don't.
So stop. Stop now.
Yeah, it will hurt.
Maybe you could drag it out -- but why?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

"So I think what you're feeling is some legitimate self-interest, but in a situation where your BF's life demands selfless sacrifice from him. He NEEDS to focus on his son right now, and his son NEEDS that kind of devotion. You have no part in this drama except as a distraction."

This is well said.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

"I also forgot to mention that he has no problem being late to pick his son up or missing the odd weekend if he's going out with his mates, but not if he is going out with me. I literally seem to be the bottom of his prioritis."

Why would you want to be with someone that makes you his last priority? His child isn't even his top priority if he skips visits to spend time with his friends.... and perhaps he hopes YOU will step up and take up HIS responsibility for his child. Maybe he isn't so different from the other abusive guys you've been with... just wearing a different disguise at the moment. Don't be desperate... your youth is too precious to waste with other people's problems. Do you really want to deal with his ex for the next twenty years?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Sweeby, were you a psychologist in another life?!! :D Because you're very good at explaining things without being condescending...:)


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Mascara,

I will say that when I was in the earlier stages of dating DH his involvement with his then teenage son was a source of resentment for me as well. I too liked his son (at the time, not so much now) and the things that were going on caused issues for me. His son had and still has many problems which interfered GREATLY with our relationship.

All the advice you've received above is pretty sound. On asking you BF to cut back on the amount of time he spends with his son in order to spend more time with you, I can't condemn you as others have for that. I'll just say that you should expect that the BF will always invest a lot of time in his son, especially because the son has major health issues. Kidney failure is not necessarily deadly but it's not a walk in the medical park either.

If you marry and have a child with this man, his first child will ALWAYS be in your lives. And, a child with health issues will COMMAND the lion's share of attention and resources.

Cry your tears and move on to someone without all of that going on. Love does not conquer all with that level of burden.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Hey Mascara,
I have to say, my DH gets the short end of the stick too. I'm a mommy first. The trouble is, someone always loses. If I'm paying attention to DD, DH loses. If I'm paying attention to DH, DD loses. If I pay attention to me, they both lose.

My kid is healthy and polite and helpful and a good student and I still don't have enough time or energy. I can't imagine how someone with a child with troubles handles everything.

You're 19. He may very well be the perfect man. I know that the man I thought was perfect at 19 really really really really wasn't. Only time can give you perspective.

Everyone had really good suggestions. What stood out for me was:

1. He doesn't spend enough time with you and you resent his son for taking up what little time he does have to spend with you.

2. He will miss spending time with his son to go out with his mates.

He doesn't sound like husband material to me. It sounds to me that being a daddy is more than he can handle right now. I'd just go back to being his friend while you still can. Someone mentioned kidney surgery being serious. It really really is. They're about to go through some major stuff. Be supportive, but do not, do not do not tie yourself to this man at this stage in your life. A baby NEVER made anything easier.

Get some perspective while you still have the freedom to do so. Best of luck to you. I know 19 is hard, figuring out love is hard, and it's hard to imagine finding anyone more perfect sometimes. Believe me. I have kissed enough princes to know that sometimes they turn into toads.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

" I have kissed enough princes to know that sometimes they turn into toads."

...and sometimes they just give you warts! ;-)


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Mascara, you love him so, so much.

Then do what a grown up who loves someone who has an enormous challenge, as he does, would do: help him.

This isn't a case of sacrificing what is best for you for his sake, because this time what is right for him is also what is best for you: let him go.

He is barely past childhood himself, and here he is dealing with a very sick child and an upcoming transplant -- and who knows what all else? A difficult ex? He doesn't need more drama, no matter how legitimate your desires may be.

I'm not going to call you selfish for not wanting to be the woman in this guy's life now. It would be a tall order for a woman of any age, even if it were her own child, much less a 19 year old new girlfriend. No one would criticize you for wishing them well and setting them free.

And I'm not saying it will be easy. Your heart will hurt. But not forever.

One other thing you wrote caught my attention:
When I have my own children it will be different. I will never want to nor have the option to be selfish.

I'm guessing all the other parents laughed when they read that, as I did. Becoming a mom, even a really good mom, doesn't make you become a saint! You will still have your own needs and desires that conflict with your children's, and you will sometimes resent the fact that usually theirs have to come first. There is nothing wrong with that! You'll handle it okay. But if you think that you will magically never feel selfish again just because you have a child -- well, look around you! Haven't you noticed that not all parents are utterly unselfish? That NONE of them is?

This is your one chance to be young and carefree -- don't end it prematurely. Enjoy it!


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Ok so here's an update of what is going on which has left me even more confused.

He has said that he will see his son every other weekend
(its every Sunday and every other Saturday so he said he'd drop the weekend where it's just Sunday.)

However, he said he is doing this even though he doesn't want to just to keep me happy.

Now this concerns me. I only wanted him to think about it and go ahead if he was happy with everything, but the fact that he is willing to put me before his son worries me. I hate to think that if we were to have a child he would willingly put his girlfriend of not even a year above them if we broke up.

I'm even more confused now then I was before.

I've told him not to do it if he doesn't want to but he said he wants to make me happy.
Which it doesn't, it worries me.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

You're not listening, are you?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

You can see the problem with this, right?

- Either he gives in to your wishes, sacrificing his son's legitimate needs for the wishes of his young girlfriend of less than a year. Bad Daddy!

- Or he ignores your wishes to spend more time with you in favor of his very sick child. Bad Boyfriend!

He can't win.
Which apparently, you do see
The part you're not seeing is this -- Neither can you.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

I think it sounds like you are reaching the right decision, mascara. You DON'T just want to get him to give in, and your insight about what if it were your child was good.

It's not surprising that you can't just change all your feelings and take such a big step overnight. But it sure sounds to me like you know the right thing to do and are sort of taking the deep breath you need before you do it.

You love this guy, and you want the best for him and for his son. So keep on listening to that grown-up voice inside you and do what is best for them: move on.

It's the best thing for you, too, I promise. You have wonderful adventures ahead, but as my mother taught me, "you can't get on a new streetcar without getting off the one you're on."

And next time, don't be so fast to get into a relationship with someone who isn't good to you just to have a boyfriend. It's a wonderful feeling to be alone for a while and get to know yourself and find out how much you like your own company.

Good luck!


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Hmm..can I just clarify..

BF is willing to spend less time with his son because he wants to do that for you, right? Which makes you feel bad, right?
Soooo, if BF would have decided to spend less time with his son because it's what he wanted, it would have been ok? And then he would be a guy you see a future (with babies) with?!

You've completely lost me, huh???


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Ok, I'm going to give OP a bit more credit than some of you. She is in a situation that doesn't have a "good" solution, and is just feeling her way through her options, all of them bad (maybe not to us, but to her).

She is confused and feels bad because, while she got what she thought she wanted, she is suddenly realizing that there are consequences to this that are not pretty. I give her credit for actually thinking through the process of would she want her BF to treat **their** kids like this, realizing that the answer is no, and understanding that that means it's not right for his existing child, either. And she feels bad and worried about that, which is good, but feeling bad and worried confuses her because she actually did get what (she thought) she wanted. There are sadly too many people in the world whose reaction would be Yippee!!! BF picked me! Oh, son loses out on time with his father, too bad so sad not my problem. Would it have been better if she had thought through the consequences first? Well, sure, but at least she is doing it, and at least she sees what's wrong with it.

I think gellchom is right, I think she is feeling her way toward a decision and is getting there awkwardly but is actually giving real thought to the consequences of various courses of action, and not just the consequences to herself.

Mascara, just keep in mind that not all situations have "good" options. It's tempting to think that if you just try hard enough or are smart enough, you can figure out a solution that will make everything ok, but unfortunately life is a lot messier than that. The phrase "lesser of two evils" is a cliche for a reason. All choices have prices involved, and many have regrets, even if they're the best (or least bad) choice available. Don't let yourself get caught up thinking there has to be a good solution if only you try hard enough to figure it out, recognize that even the best choices often come with regrets, and keep thinking through the consequences to yourself, him, and his son.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Although I did expect to get slated for this, I think people are forgetting I am only 19. This is a very new situation to me - I have never even considered being a parent at my age.

I have told him not to speak to his ex about cutting down his weekends because if anything were to happen he would end up resenting me for taking away time with his child, but I also said that although it may have been wrong of me to ask him it was also wrong for him to agree to it.

Again - I know I am being selfish, but I have no idea how to deal with this situation and it's one I didn't ever think I'd come across.

But its very hard to open my heart and home to someone who is just a constant reminder of him having sex with his ex.
And it's not that that bothers me so much - its the fact that he was a planned child, so they weren't just having sex, they were doing it to physically create a child, and that's what really bothers me.

When he was 16 and she got pregnant, he was very depressed and said he was so lonely he just wanted someone that would always be there. His ex, however was in sound mind.

He has admitted that at times he regrets having a child because it has ultimately led to the breakdown of every relationship he has had since and taken away a chunk of his childhood.

His ex basically took advantage of him when he was in a bad place and in my opinion completely ruined and stole his late childhood.

How am I supposed to have this woman in my life until one of us dies if I hate her so much?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

-How am I supposed to have this woman in my life until one of us dies if I hate her so much?

Don't. Move on. Honestly. There are lots more unencumbered fish in the sea who don't have difficult exes or children. As you say, you're only 19. You have your whole life ahead of you to find the REAL Mr Right, instead of Mr BestYou'veFoundSoFarButStillSomeMajorDrawbacks.
Frankly I'd be very wary of getting into a permanent relationship with someone who by your account was at 16 PLANNING to have a child. Not a smart guy, IMO.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

"When he was 16 and she got pregnant, he was very depressed and said he was so lonely he just wanted someone that would always be there. His ex, however was in sound mind."

This has got to be the saddest and scariest thing I've heard in a long time. What kind of people view having a CHILD a solution to a little loneliness without any thought to that fact they are bringing a LIFE into the world who deserves the best care and opportunity available? "My life sucks, so why don't I add another life to the mix?!' Great freakin' idea! Blaming the ex because she was "of sound mind" and absolving your BF of some massively flawed thought processes because he was depressed is bunk. They are both equally to blame for what has to be the worst choice ever. I feel so badly for this child whose existence is resented because he didn't turn out to be the kind of pet or doll like companion these selfish and foolish people wanted. Where the hell is CSD?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

mascara, there is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling. It is okay to want to be first in a relationship. But in your partners case "he has a son, a sick one". The circumstances of how his son came to being really doesn't matter. What you have to recognize is the situation of partner isn't what you want for yourself. Move on and look for a partner that doesn't have children, enjoy the things you want out a relationship. Have a family when and if you are ready.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

I don't just blame her, and I completely agree that it is a very scary thought process which I don't understand in the slightest.

However, she convinced him to have a child when he was one himself (she is older than him), left him the day she found out she was pregnant, and left him in 100's of debt in child support despite not letting him see the child. This, I do blame her for.

I myself was hospitalised for clinical depression yet never even considered having a child - so another reason this upsets me so much is that I literally cannot grasp his thought process at all.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Mascara - Have you ever seen a really good marriage and gotten to know the people in it? Two people who really love each other, who support each other, and who make the kinds of decisions in their own lives that support and nurture their marriage? Two people who have been married for more than 5-10 years and have formed a loving family with happy, well-adjusted kids?

I'm guessing not, since you seem to be glamourizing the dysfunctional...

These types of marriages really do exist ---
And until you settle for something less, the possibility of having a wonderful marriage like this is still out there, and available for you. Really!
Not with this guy, but with somebody else.

If you're not afraid, take a look around you at all of the couples and marriages you know. Are any of them really good? (Not the brand new ones -- too soon to tell.) If you find a good one, ask to talk to the people in it, and ask them how they did it -- How did they find this special person and what makes their marriage work? What do they do to keep their marriage strong and healthy, and what does their partner do to make it work? Ask them about your situation, and whether or not it's a good bet...


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

great advice sweeby....


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

she left him the day she found out she is pregnant? i don't buy that. he tells you that. you are 19, you don't know better but trust us, this doesn't sound good.

too funny...he was lonely at 16 and wanted a child. never heard such thing. guy just looks for your pitty.

and of course she took advantage of him, that's what he says.

and you sound like a good catch too, let's limit father's time wiht his son...oh oopsy i feel guilty...poor child, how dare you ask a parent to cut his time wiht his child???

selfish parents and now another selfish person in child's life. unbelivable.

you don't need to analyze anything, he was 16 and knew nothing. but it sounds that he knows very little at 23 either (agreeing to limit his time wiht his child, for what? partying wiht a girlfriend? what kind of man is he?),


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

What happened to my post on this thread?????? I submitted it; I made sure! Ugh!

And it was a really good one, too! *sticks bottom lip out and crosses arms*


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

I saw it Ashley --
And it *was* a good one! ;-)


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Thanks, Sweeby! I just can't imagine what happened to it. It wasn't offensive in any way.

The main point of my lost post was that he's not really a good father, and OP found that out by "testing" him and his subsequent failure of that test. It is the nature of women to "test" out possible mates. That's what we do by instinct. Isn't that what dating really is?

If women instinctively look for good providers and good fathers for their future children, why would you want a man who would give up a portion of his already small amount of time he spends with his offspring for a woman and friends? NOT for the provision of his offspring (work).

OP threw out a "test", whether she knew it or not and the reason why it bothered her so much is because he FAILED.

OP, if this guy would lessen his time with his kid for a woman, what makes you think he wouldn't do it with any future kids you might have?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

That was my point exactly


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Ashley - I didn't see it but it sounds like it was useful so thank you.
We very nearly broke up the other day but I just can't quite bring myself to do it.
It's like I'm not ready to end it until every tiny piece of me has given up, and I haven't completely yet, althought I don't know why.

And to finedreams - I have known him a long time and although we weren't close enough back then for me to know his motives, I know that everything I have said about her is true.

He seems to expect me to just deal with everything - but even though he had a child when he was 17, he didn't start being a parent until he was in his 20's - and although it was the mother saying that he wasn't allowed to see the child, he put up very little fight and basically dodged his responsibilities until he felt he was ready to be a parent. And he was not ready at my age either - and I still don't think he is.

It's not just my age either - I consider myself in some respects of life to be mature, caring and selfless, but with regards to a child, I am not mature or selfless enough to be a parent at all.
And it winds me up so much that he isn't either.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

You're getting there, mascara, you've come a long way in over the last month.

Good luck to you.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

"And to finedreams - I have known him a long time and although we weren't close enough back then for me to know his motives, I know that everything I have said about her is true."

it doesn't matter what is true about her, she is not the one you are dating, he is, and he is not a good choice at all. hopefully you find strength to leave now because it only goes downhill from here.

you might consider yourself to be mature, but that's what we think when we are young-how mature we are..LOL.

and maturiry sometimes has nothing to do with age. i was 21 and my DH was 20 when we had a baby yet we were responsible parents, age is not a problem. your BF is 23 and still chooses some unimportant stuff over his child. some people just never mature.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Ok so...
The last couple of weeks we have been getting on great...he has a broken foot so is off work so we've been spending loads of time together, not doing much but just really enjoying each others company. Everything has been very routine, but in a good way, and I found myself becoming very accepting of our situation, and although I am still not comfortable getting involved, I have been fine with everything. However, this happened today...

Since he has broken his foot, I have spent every penny I have (I was made redundant recently and am currently surviving on benefits) on driving up to see him, driving him to the hospital, buying food etc.
Tomorrow is the one night he was going to be staying at mine. I spent all day sorting the house out ready and I get a phone call - "The ex has asked me to babysit tomorrow night - can you come and get me at midnightish and take me to hospital in the morning to get my cast off." I obviously said no and said she can't keep expecting him to drop everything at the very last minute. Where would he sleep, how would he get to hospital in the morning - how would he get back from the hospital? She expected him to walk. WITH A BROKEN FOOT! He ended up asking his mum - anyway this is the conversation that followed...


ME - We aren't arguing, I'm just stating the fact that I will always be second and you continue to deny it

HIM - I'm just doing whats best for my son

M - This isn't anything to do with whats best for him its whats best for her

H - Seeing him is whats best for him

M - It makes no difference to him - he's six

H - He'll still remember if his dad saw him enough

M - If you were that concerned about him feeling that way you wouldn't skip weekends with him to go out on the drink or be late picking him up. It will make no difference if you see him during the week because you never do, but you don't think he'll remember the fact that theres been times you haven't seen him when you're actually supposed to? You're so inconsistant. If you were always a brilliant thoughtful dad then it wouldn't be a problem so much but you can't just be a good dad sometimes. You're either one or the other and apparently you only want to be a good dad when I'm involved - but when it involves your mates or alcohol you don't care that you're a parent first. If you were that concerned about him remembering things you wouldn't keep pawning him off on your mum. Maybe you should think of that before giving me that bull**** hands on dad speech again.


Now he wont speak to me. So, is it because he's angry I told the truth or he thinks I'm wrong. Do I have any right to say this when I am not involved with his child?


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Mascara!

Get out of this relationship RIGHT NOW!

I'm sorry to sound harsh. But, Mascara, I'm not telling you anything you don't know when I say that this is going nowhere fast. There is nothing in it for you. I don't care if the guy looks like Johnny Depp, thinks like Einstein, loves you like Romeo, has money like Bill Gates, and sings like Frank Sinatra -- there is nothing to look forward to here but disaster.

STOP focusing on distractors like

- whether he is inconsistent with regard to his son
- whether the mom is to blame, lazy, irresponsible, inconsiderate, radioactive, purple or polka-dotted! She is completely irrelevant.
- whether he is fair or right or wrong in preferring, in any sense, his son's needs to yours

You are focusing on all this stuff to avoid looking at what you know you really need to: what is in the future for you.

That's human nature; everyone does it. It's so much easier to think about blame and fault and chances and clues in remarks than to look at the harsh facts. But you have to get past it. (Some people never do -- they are pathetic at best and self-destructive at worst.)

For a while there you were on the right track, but it sounds like you've backslid a bit. That's okay, but it's time to get back to the hard work of ending this.

I think you know that. I think that's why you posted here. It's just too hard to tell yourself this (also human nature), so you came here for us to do it for you. That's okay, too. (I have to say I have been wondering where your own mother has been.)

But, honey, you really have to get out of this mess. That little family has enough major problems without having to worry about your (very legitimate) 19 year old needs and insecurities, and you have enough on your plate without having to deal with
- a very sick little boy -- and by the way, 6 years old is PLENTY old enough to be aware of whether his father is there for him.
- an unreliable boyfriend (with an alcohol problem and a broken foot)
- his ex-girlfriend

You are more than entitled to be thinking about your own needs -- indeed, that's what everyone here has been telling you. But you are NOT entitled to expect everyone else to put your needs first all the time, and especially not right now: there is a 6 year old boy undergoing a kidney transplant! His parents will need -- for quite a long time -- to focus 100% on him and what will help him and make him the most comfortable -- whether it is more or less convenient for one of them or whether he has a broken foot, and even if it is totally unfair to you. Even if he were married with 3 more kids, his wife and kids would have to take the backseat right now; indeed, they should pitch in. If he ditches that sick child to go drinking with his friends, that's awful; but it's hardly less awful to do so to be with his girlfriend.

I think the thing holding you back is what you said in an earlier post, that you don't want to give up while there is still a little shred of good in this relationship.

Big mistake.

And also a very common one. (Goes for quitting a job, moving, changing a major, etc., too, not just relationships, by the way). But when it's time to move on, you move on, even though there are indeed some great things remaining in the situation or relationship. That's what makes it so hard -- if it were all already 100% bad, it would be easy. But think about it: would you enter a situation that was only 25% good? Even 50% or 75%? Then why stay in one?

You know what to do. It seems you just needed someone to tell you to do it. So reread all these posts if you need that push. (The fact that you two have had some nice times lately doesn't change anything; the problem was never that he was an ogre.) He is not speaking to you; he may actually be the one to end things. If he does, that may even make it easier in the end.

Again, I'm sorry to sound harsh. I really am in your corner. This is exactly what I would tell my own daughter.

Good luck to you -- we are all rooting for you.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Well he spoke to me now and apologised, but when I asked what for he just said for not seeing me today - which wasn't the point at all.
I also realise I've painted him in a bad light with regards to alcohol...he only goes out once every 6 weeks or so...but its not about the consistancy of it - even if he'd only done it once, its the priciple of it.

I have been talking to my mum about this and she has been as supportive as she can but - as I'm sure you are all well aware now - I can be very stubborn.

I also would just like to thank you all for your overwhelming continued support and advice you have given me, I am truely shocked by how much of an interest you have all taken in this.
I know it may seem like all your advice is falling on deaf ears, but I want to assure everyone that I am listening to every word you are saying but as I am so involved in this situation its very very hard for me to detatch myself from it.

Right now I am more concerned with the inconsistancy of his parenting than the actual fact of him being a parent.
But todays argument...with all the effort I have been putting in to this, and basically having him completely depend on me since his accident, I never once batted an eyelid despite no financial contribution from him. I just feel like today he threw it all back in my face because tomorrow was the one day he was going to come to me and he cant now because she clicked her fingers at him and he once again dropped me like a piece of rubbish.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

"but as I am so involved in this situation its very very hard for me to detatch myself from it."

Actualy, at this point, it's NOT that hard! You're not living with him. The child is not yours. You don't own a home together. You don't even work together! He's just some guy you know and have dated, and all you have to do to end it is to say these simple words:

"There's not a good future for me in this relationship. You're a lovely person, but there are too many obstacles to a good future together. Good luck with your life and Goodbye."

Then you block his calls and texts, send his emails to SPAM, and call your girlfriends to distract you.

That's it.

Two phone calls --
One to break up,
and One to a girlfriend to get your support network started.
Either order.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

Actualy, at this point, it's NOT that hard!

But it is when you love someone.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

You're doing okay, Mascara. I know this is really hard.

But you know what you need to do. For your sake. For the little boy's sake. For your boyfriend's sake. Not easy, but necessary -- and believe me, it would be a LOT harder if you don't leave. Love him enough to let go.

Watch out! You wrote:
"Right now I am more concerned with the inconsistancy of his parenting than the actual fact of him being a parent."

See, that's what I meant about distractors. I'm not saying that you're wrong about his inconsistency; I'm just saying that that is HIS problem, not yours. It is very, very common when breaking up with someone to stay focused on him, what he should be doing, how you could explain to him what he's doing wrong, etc., etc. But it's a trap. We do it as a defense mechanism; it keeps us from looking at our own feelings, needs, and actions. Every time you catch yourself, try saying to yourself, "That's HIS issue; he'll have to deal with it." And then STOP thinking about what he ought to do/think/say and get back to thinking about your own life.

Which brings us to sweeby's excellent advice. Do NOT stay "just friends" (or anything else) with him. Do NOT hang around and try to ease his pain. Do NOT talk on the phone with him or see him or emails or anything else. Do NOT stay friends with his family. Do NOT explain why you are breaking up with him (in all of human history, there has never once been a satisfactory response to "but I just want to know WHY") -- anyway, he already knows. Follow sweeby's advice about the two phone calls and then get your girlfriends to keep you busy and distracted and away from his calls. Finding someone else to help (like volunteering) works like magic, in my experience -- a new boyfriend too fast does not. You're going to have to trust us on this (I am tempted to get my own 20 year old daughter to weigh in on this), but if you keep in contact with him, the process is just going to be longer and more painful. Just go cold turkey; that way you'll get it over with as fast as you can.

If you need a sort of "mantra" for when it gets hard, consider this: if you were the stepmom of a sick little boy, not only your boyfriend, but you, too, would have to be organizing your life around him for the foreseeable future. Parents and stepparents often have to give up careers, vacation plans, education, and freedom when a child is in crisis. That's hard enough when it's your own child; you don't want that, at age 19, with a child who isn't even yours and with whom you don't seem to have much of a relationship. But that is what you will have if you pursue this relationship.

Your boyfriend and his son -- and even to some extent the boy's mom -- are a package deal; you can't have him alone. It's not the package you want. That doesn't make you a bad person, but it tells you what you have to do.

Good luck, sweetie! It's really hard, but YOU CAN DO THIS. We've all been there and we all survived. So will you.


 o
RE: Resenting my partners child.

I also would just like to thank you all for your overwhelming continued support and advice you have given me, I am truely shocked by how much of an interest you have all taken in this.

The reason that everyone has taken such an interest is because the have been there, and know how things will progress and turn out. Every person that has responded honestly wants to spare you from what they went through. They were that same young, hopeful, helpful, caring person that you are now. But no matter what they did, things turned out badly, and many years of their life were wasted.

Don't waste yours.


 o
Mascara-I had a sick child, it's too much!

Mascara,

My son now 7 was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer at 5 1/2. I can tell you that what Gellcom says is true, when there is a sick child 100% of the parent's focus, energy and resources go towards the sick child. Or at least they should.

A kidney transplant? And you are already spending your limited money on helping this man with his broken foot which is nothing in comparison to what is coming with his child???? You already don't like this child that much.

Also, on this one about the dad saying that seeing him is what's best...HE'S RIGHT. Yes, the boy is only six and he won't remember most of what happens from this time but HE WILL remember that his dad loved him and gave him attention. This little boy is intruding on your life in more than a few ways, and as everyone else has pointed out, will always intrude in fact a lot more as he gets older and goes through his treatments.

We know you want to hold on but you are being too starry eyed. For everyone's sake, move on.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here