Problem with my adult children & my 2nd husband

9 years ago

Hi everyone,
I really would like some advice and ideas. Maybe a little back history...I left my husband of 22 yrs, our children were 21 & 18. He was very controlling etc and I'd basically had enough and got out.
Long story short, I met my present husband and we married 20 yrs ago. So my adult children are now daughter 43 and son 40. Basically they have never 'liked' my husband and no matter how much he tries he is basically ignored by them. My son will speak to him if he's spoken to but never initiates any chat. My daughter is blatantly rude to the point that she's told my young twin grandsons that he's not part of 'our' family.
My husband & I lived in Spain for 14 yrs but came back to the UK in 2012 and live in my home town which is where they live too. Each Christmas we've been invited to my daughters and my son (he's single) is there too. And it's difficult to say the least. This year my husband has said flatly he doesn't want to go there. Part of me thinks...oh but it's my family but a bigger part of me also can't be bothered to play 'happy families' any more. I'd like us to eat out somewhere but we really don't have money for those prices, or to go away for a few days. We don't have any friends we could be with either. Maybe I just don't need to find an excuse but just bite the bullet and tell them both? This subject has been discussed with them over the years but nothing ever changes.
I know my daughter doesn't particularly like her father's other wife either but I know she doesn't treat her the same way as my husband.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice? Sorry this is so long....

Comments (5)

sylviatexas1
9 years ago
I'm so sorry.

These things sort of build up over time, & you don't notice it until they're just unbearable.

Both you & your husband have endured enough;
it's time you stopped subjecting yourselves to this abuse.

Your children have too little responsibility & too much power, & they will only get worse if they're allowed to.

You & your husband are each other's partners;
you take care of each other, you support & love each other, you scrub one another's backs in the shower & you bring each other soup & crackers when you have a tummyache.

You are life partners, & it's way past time for you to have your own holiday traditions-
traditions that are fun!

(I usually think of "time to start our own traditions" as a younger couple having holiday celebrations in their own home rather than going to either set of parents.

Here, I think it's time to have your holiday celebrations in your own home & not go to your children's!)

Your own home is a nice, cozy, comfortable, harmonious place to be.

Fix yourselves a nice dinner, light a fire if you can, have a glass of wine, watch old movies, talk (what a concept!);
enjoy yourselves the way you're entitled to.
Do not talk about the children;
do not think about the children;
these times are for the two of you.

You're lucky to have each other, & time goes by very fast.

Start your traditions this year.
Janetelizabeth1
Original Author
9 years ago
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. And you're exactly right of course.
In reality though we've actually spent most of our holiday times together because we were living in Spain...just the two of us. We thought it was a nice idea to be invited to share their Christmas day etc when we returned to the UK to live again but not anymore!!!
Related Discussions
Should I let My Adult Children Go?
Q
Comments (21)
For Pamb100... isn't it a curious thing the power a sons wife may have? When they want to like you, they will...but when their honeymoon is over with hubby...his mom becomes mud...and they sling it off...i have watched this...i know it exists..to really good parents... I hope by 2013, you have mended some fences...but the DIL sounds like if she cannot have a mom, no one else will...i have had women tell me that they resented their MIL because their own moms were deceased... We all say..that we raise children to be independent, but we do not get any parental reward when a son feels it is easier to stay away from his family to keep his angry wife happy...and then we think...was it worth it..the whole journey...for me, it was not I have a lifetime of photos that I need to give my son, because I have no use in looking so far back...i have no idea why i have so many pictures...forget scrapbooks...it would be a painful thing to do...the sad thing is that my son is teaching his sons to do the same thing to them....and i feel sad about that...i don't wish that on my DIL... She will not always have a busy life...circumstances will turn...and they will have wives...women in their youth, cannot fathom what retirement and losing family to illness will make their older years... I have had cruel words filtered my way, indifference, neglectfulness and many hurts that may revisit her....my son just seems to be helpless...what do sons really do when their wife declares she does not his family...maybe like isn't the word...but she does not want to give us any time...should they divorce? So...you see...turning loose to the hope of the all american family may be the best thing you could do.. Feel lucky though...your spouse supports you in seeing the reality, mine has hidden his head in the sand...and it is devastating....
...See More
My 2nd 'bend' of the day
Q
Comments (15)
JNM what a cr*ppy situation. I feel for you and your SD. And what can you do to make SD feel a bit better, because I can just feel how bad you want to make this better for her... To be honest I don't think there's a whole lot you can do. As much as you want to, she's old enough to understand what is going on here. Her BM has really hurt her, and it is very damaging, but some things can't be fixed by anyone else, and I think this is one of those things. I feel like that at times with the skids, where I so desperately want to make things better or easier for them, but some things we just can't make undone. Even if you take SD away on a holiday yourselves, her mum still hurt her and that doesn't go away. I can imagine that SD14 might stop wanting to go to BM's place soon, can she live with you 100% of the time if she wanted to? Since she's 14 she could have her say in court, my SD10 and SD12 got their say and most of the judge's decision was based on their views. (Of course it's a shame that that really was BM's view, but anyway..) Here's 2 options I can think of: Maybe allow SD to not go back to BM if she doesn't want to. I would be prepared to see BM's response to that, even if she would take it to court on some ridiculous kidnapping charge or something. You have everything documented right? Of course this really depends on the emotional state of SD14 I should say. Is she ready to have her say in court or would she feel like she'd be betraying her mum and the 2yr old sis? In that case I would probably not risk it. Or: Take it to court yourselves and try and get full custody, that way SD14 can go and visit her mum when she wants to, or not if she doesn't. At least that way BM cannot take SD for granted anymore as a free baby sitter, to use and abuse whenever it suits. That might wake her up a bit. And it would empower your SD14, which could be really good for her emotional wellbeing. It's always like choosing between two evils isn't it? Good luck with everything!!
...See More
My husband doesn't like my adult son.
Q
Comments (20)
I am in the same situation. It’s New Years Day and I am lying here depressed. My adult son came to temporarily live with me and my new husband of 2 years about 7 months ago. He asked and my husband said yes. My husband decided not to charge him rent or anything, even told him he can eat what we eat, wash clothes, basically our home is his home. We have a written agreement which we all signed. My son takes out the garbage and cuts grass, clean his room & bathroom. He’s making plans to move back out as agreed. He has savings. Is my son perfect? No, but he is not disrespectful. Other than not walking around the house naked, nothing else has changed in our marital relationship. My husband took it upon himself to step in as a father to my son and even asked my son if that was ok. His biological father…didnt do his job and has no real relationship with him. My husband and son get along fine. However i know my husband is faking it. If my son makes one mistake or forget something, my husband is very critical and judgemental. He complains to me telling lies about my son and says hateful things about my son. i love my husband but this is unacceptable to me. i am beyond hurt and angry. My son doesnt even know how my husband really feels. What brought to this post…my husband thought my son had left and left the door unlocked at 2am. My son was actually outside. Anyway all i literally said was to tell him and immediately he accused me of coming to my son’s defense and starts going off. I am confused. If someone does something wrong or forgot something, isnt the natural thing to do is tell them? What did I say wrong? There is so much more I could say to paint the picture of everything that has gone on. I dont want a divorce but this is too crazy!
...See More
My husband doesn't like my children or grandchildren
Q
Comments (2)
Mercy, have you got a lot on your plate! I admire your cheerfulness & perseverence. I think people have a wrong impression about "mental illness"; they think someone who has a brain disorder acts crazy, when really they usually act like anyone else, & their symptoms often do not include "acting crazy". As you say, bi-polar people can be fractious, argumentative, & unreasonable....& that sounds like a lot of other people as well. I think I might work on that part of the problem first. If he can realize that your daughter really does have a disorder, that she's not just being difficult or using her problems as a crutch, he can calm down & develop more reasonable expectations of her. & I think you're going to *have* to inhale, exhale, take a step backwards, & look after yourself. No one person can solve everyone else's problems, & if you kill yourself from the stress of trying, those grandchildren never *will* get to know & enjoy their grandmother. As far as your hubs's mother rejecting him... That would hurt anyone. but if he can look at the situation from the perspective of his adult self, he'll realize that she couldn't have been a good mother to him then (that's the reason he was adopted), & she still can't be a mother to him. She just doesn't have it. I'd say if he was brought up to be a good person & a responsible adult, & if he's found some uncles who adore him, he's a lucky person indeed. Take care.
...See More
Karen10125
9 years ago
you could also start a new tradition by having something at your place on Christmas Eve, inviting your children and their families and see how that goes. Maybe they'll act different toward your husband if he's in HIS home. And then that way, Christmas Day is just the two of you and you don't have to deal with all the b.s. And if either of them ask why not Christmas Day I would just be honest and say that your husband, their stepfather, isn't given the respect he deserves, life is short and he deserves a pleasant Christmas Day just like anyone else. They are way too old to be acting this way, time to put your foot down. Best of luck to you.
Janetelizabeth1
Original Author
9 years ago
Thanks Karen. My son does normally come here the day after Christmas day for a meal as he's on his own and that's not too bad.
Back in July my husband was 70 yrs old and I invited them all round for a slice of birthday cake etc. They all came, nobody wished him HB except the twins. They all talked between themselves and excluded my husband. My son gave him a card, no present. My daughter gave him a card and half the amount of cash that I give them for their present. I only point that out because to me it shows how grudging they are towards him.
They definitely don't think of him as a stepfather and the grandsons don't call him grandad, just by his first name; another snub!
sylviatexas1
9 years ago
Oh, dod, it just gets worse & worse!

These adult people have chosen how to behave, & it's obnoxious & insulting.

Don't invite them to your home so they can dish out more of the same, & keep them away from your husband.

Problem with my adult children & my 2nd husband

Comments (5)

sylviatexas1

Janetelizabeth1
Original Author

Related Discussions

Karen10125

Janetelizabeth1
Original Author

sylviatexas1

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Problem with my adult children & my 2nd husband

Comments (5)

sylviatexas1

Janetelizabeth1Original Author

Related Discussions

Karen10125

Janetelizabeth1Original Author

sylviatexas1

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Janetelizabeth1
Original Author

Janetelizabeth1
Original Author