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Posted by crazydyz8 (My Page) on
Thu, Oct 1, 09 at 16:11

I am betting someone somewhere has already posted about this, but I am too tired to scroll through everything to find. I have a DD who turns 2 in a few weeks, I also have a SS who is 7. My DH and I have decided to start trying for another child. If/when we get pregnant, how should we handle telling SS and BM? I am afraid that if we say something to BM when she has SS then she will instantly tell him. But if she ends up hearing it from SS then I am sure she will flip out. I guess I just don't know exactly what the etiquette is.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Pregnancy

If there's an established etiquette, *somebody* here will indeed know it!

but I do have 2 cents worth of thought to offer-
if I were the dad (fascinating concept, snork!), I'd rather have my ex flip out than miss telling my son he was going to be a big bro again.

so I'd tell my little guy & then call his mom later the same day, before little guy goes home.

RE: Pregnancy

I agree with Sylvia. You and your hubby should tell ss first when he is at your house. Then you can enjoy the moment together! Then you can all tell bm together without it spoiling your moment!

RE: Pregnancy

I'd have Hubby tell BioMom *without* SS being there to witness her reaction -- assuming you have reason to believe she may have in perfect self-control. That way, if she does go nuts in one way or another, SS won't have his impressions tainted by it. Give BioMom a few days to calm down (if needed) before sending SS back.

RE: Pregnancy

Sylviatexas is right, I would not want to miss telling my son myself.

Why does BM need to be informed? I don't understand, it's really none of her business I don't think.

When our BM got pregnant 2 years ago she didn't inform us, nor did I think she had to. We heard from the kids eventually, and that was that.

RE: Pregnancy

lol, my SD's BM is apparently pregnant. She posted it on a website for new moms. (that's how we found out) She told SD10 not to tell us but when SD's grades were rapidly dropping, I let SD know that we already knew her mom's secret and we wondered if it was bothering her (that mom is having another baby and that she has to keep it secret from dad) so she wouldn't have that extra burden of thinking she had to keep her secret. We've known for well over 2 months that BM was saying she's pregnant, and quite frankly while it is sad, we really could care less.

Anyway, SD went to BM's yesterday and an hour later, BM sent me a text: "Y did u feel that it was ur job to tell everyone in SD's school that I am pregnant?" LMAO, because I haven't told ANYONE besides SD and her counselor (because we were talking about keeping secrets) that I knew BM was pregnant. I sure didn't tell anyone at SD's school because WHO CARES?

The best I can surmise is that SD told her that I knew and also mentioned that DH and I went to the school for the meeting with SD's teachers & principal to discuss her grades. I didn't even mention to them anything about BM. If anything, it should have been mentioned that BM should be there but we didn't even go there. BM was told of the meeting and didn't respond, so to me that is more important than who knows she's pregnant. (If she really didn't want anyone to know, why post it on the internet? DUH!)

In my opinion, it would be best for your DH to let her know as soon as your SS arrives for his visit. That gives BM the duration of the visit to digest the info and during the visit, you can inform SS. It isn't right to tell SS and ask him to keep it from his mom, nor is it right to leave him to deal with the wrath if you suspect she will react that way.

RE: Pregnancy

I don't really think it is the exspouse's business at all. I agree it could be dificult to tell a child so that could be planned carefully, as about telling exes, who cares? My ex told me just because we are on good terms, but I don't feel it was my business to comment beyond: congratulations. I of course vented on this forum haha but i would not say anything negative to him or to DD. So whatever is BM's reaction, who cares. Tell SS of course.

RE: Pregnancy

Personally, i would hold onto as long as possible until I had to share - in my situation. And then we would tell SD to make her aware of her new sister or brother coming on the scence.

Personally, I don't think BM would need to be told. She would eventually find out any way.... AND rather we told her or SD told her - her reaction will be the same.

I just feel the marriage partners having the child and any children involved deserve to know..... anyone else i.e. BM is optional and not required.

Her reaction doesnot matter nor does it change things.

RE: Pregnancy

It's none of BM's business, why tell her.

RE: Pregnancy

Anything that affects her child is BioMom's business, and a new sibling will affect the older children.
So for that reason alone, I don't think 'not telling' BioMom is a viable strategy. I also wouldn't want to burden the child with telling BioMom if there's any reason to believe BioMom might be hurt or might not react graciously.

I'd tell the child just before telling BioMom so the kid isn't asked to keep secrets and won't 'blab' by accident, then have Hubby tell his Ex in private, and with enough 'soak in time' to where she won't still be upset when the kids go back to her.

May be unnecessarily cautious, but you don't want BioMom getting emotional about a new baby in front of your StepKids.

RE: Pregnancy

Some good points sweeby and rest of the ladies.....

I guess it depends on how the BM has reacted about other things and changes that have taken place.

In my own experience.... ours has not handled things well when any changes happen in DH's life, purchasing our home, changing jobs, getting married. These things started years ago - before SD was born - years before me and my husband dating or getting married. She told SD lies and took her to a counselor and it all backfired. Then wrote some false statements in court affidavits for which we had to go to court for. Not to mention I hate that SD is lied to on a constant basis about DH, myself and my daughter.

So i would be afraid to tell BM or SD until i absolutely had to.... Not for BM's feelings or reaction... but for what she might tell innocent SD or how she may make her feel about it. No matter who told BM anything - the backlash would be on a innocent little girl who does not deserve that treatment.

You can only hide a pregnancy for so long... and i would want SD to at least have that little bit of peace for that short amount of time.

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