Don't cut off all contact with your children, always remember them at their birthdays with a phone call and a card with $5-$10 dollars in it. Just concentrate on getting your own head together. It is now time for you, so even if you have to deal with the kids, you can do it in a calm rational manner. Like stated above, try going to a house of worship, take craft classes, yoga classes or something through your park district to occupy your time. You don't say if you have a job, if you don't, get one, at least a part time job, to get out of the house. That way you will have a little spending money to buy some new clothes. Don't let anyone talk you out of it either. Good luck! You can do it.

Well, going over the reasons... If there is any truth to "a" that one could be a biggy. Why would your parents get that impression if there wasn't something to it? They are only getting info. from what you told them, right... so what is leading them to think that he doesn't do enough for his son? Has he skipped payments, missed visitation times or not fought for his right to see him? Your comment "Yes, he has room to improve as a father" may tell more than you think. Granted, it could just be your personality or perceptions, and of course, no one is perfect, but if I were serious about a man I would hope the main thing I would think about his fatherhood is that he is a great father, not that he needs room for improvement. What exactly needs improving on? On to reason "b"... Let me ask you this...If nothing changes with his job, will it be enough, will it be ok with you? Would it be ok if he (and his son) lived off you? Because that's what it sounds like may happen if you were to marry him. It's nice to dream that someday he'll get a big break and have a really nice job but from the info. you provided it looks like he really just may continue at his current job. What exactly is his plan for the future? And, is it really a plan or just more of a dream? As for "c". I wouldn't hold that against him personally. It sounds to me like your mother just doesn't want you to make the same mistakes she made....It's not just about aquired money and lifestyle... but about missed opportunities and choices. Do you feel mature/old enough to settle down with anyone? Or, are there things in your life you'd like to do before you get married? Sorry if I'm playing the devil's advocate here...I'm just trying to figure why your parents don't really care for him. I hope everything works out for the best and that if you do stay with him, your parents grow to love him. Finally, I wonder if you notice how your description of him changed from your original post... first he "has a decent job and a plan for the future" (I took this to be he was like a dentist with a plan to enter into a big partnership next year) not a poorly paid chef working for insurance money with no real opportunities in your town. Even your description of him as a father changed. Just make sure you love him as he truly is, not just a perception of what you want him to be. Good luck with everything.

Silver Quite interesting reading. I have thought about EX and how he must feel about DD, or any woman that has been in his life. I do understand the conceptual thinking behind the term "limerance". I had a man that I felt that way about once. I never told him, figuring that if he felt anything for me he would approach me. There were a few mixed signals, I thought but he never made an attempt that was something that I knew for sure showed he was interested in me. He had enough chances to do that and he didn't. He thought of me as a friend or sister I guess. Or he would have gone for a little "roll in the hay" if I would have. He even introduced me to a girlfriend that he began dating and ended up getting her pregnant and they later married. Ouch! With EX's past ( if what he has said is true ) he undoubtedly has great fear of rejection. Again, if what he says is true, he wanted my DD to stay with him, build a future with him and he wanted a family with us. There are too many things though that are negatives to the success of their relationship that he is completely out of touch with which makes me think that he has a break with normal thought processes. This is evident with other actions...his extensive lying and his criminal behavior. My DD did not want to marry or have children ( my goodness, she is only 20 ) and he did. Very much in fact. I don't know that she will ever change her mind but he had said that he would rather have had her and no kids than to not have her at all. I don't know that it would have been something he could have easily lived with though. The age difference is something that was too vast....11 years...when dealing with her age group. Had they met when she was in her 30's or 40's or older then it would not have been as big a deal. I am sorry for him when it comes to honest, heartfelt feelings that he might have had for my DD. The fact that he could install such fear ( and continues to do so ) and the fact that he has told so many lies negates all of that though. It sucks to be rejected. Our family histories have a lot to do with whether or not we can process the rejection in a healthy way. Most of us have been and some of us have stepped over a line while dealing with it that we cringe at after having healed a bit. It is important to teach our kids that when they deal with peers or a romantic interest people have a right to reject them. In the long run it is for the best. I don't know how much EX has control over when it comes to his emotions about the breakup. I am sorry that I can't talk to him. It just can't happen. I want him to get help and to go onto have a happy life. More importantly though I want him to leave my DD alone and let her move on. Thanks for the thread and the link Silversword.

I'm glad to have some feedback on being a 'mentor' (assuming we do take our relationship to a more serious place). I'd think/hope that being a mentor of sorts would probably be the most beneficial and less awkward route to take for his daughter, myself, and my boyfriend. Maybe serve as a...mediator/bridge between the two? I want her to respect me and see me as somewhat of an authoritative figure, but I also want her to know that she can come to me with teenage things or frustrations a girl wouldn't normal be able to tell her parents. When my boyfriend and I first discussed his daughter (a while ago), he seemed to assume that I would be a mentor for her and help calm him from being a ridiculously overprotective/clueless dad; and I agree, I think that is definitely a position I could fill if this were to work out. But we'll see, it'll take some time and serious thought & communication to see if this is where I want to go in life. @Amber, I wasn't really suggesting coupling counseling, but more of an easement/adjustment counseling. And only if the situation needed it. Counseling is not only a 'fix' for bad things, it's also a way to PREVENT bad things; and the only time I would consider counseling, is if my boyfriend and I thought there might be a potential issue with his daughter. And it wouldn't be counseling to 'fix' a bad thing, but rather to help all of us ease into a new life. I imagine (IF we do get married...way later on) his daughter would find at least a little discomfort in having a 27 year old suddenly as an 'authoritative' figure in her 14 year old life. Plus, 14 is a difficult age for girls anyway. So if the situation seemed to need it, I think counseling would be a very helpful way in easing into the transition, establishing my 'role' in their family, and helping her to see I'm not looking to be a new mom or overstep my boundaries. Counseling would allow her to tell me what she wants/looking for, what I want, and what my boyfriend wants. But again, this would only happen if we were to marry later on and foresee a potential tension. So I'm going to have to disagree with you on the pre-marriage counseling being a bad omen. @mkroopy, thank you for making me sane again! I'll admit I definitely fell into the doubt 'trap'. I am confident in my boyfriend's loyalty, but when several people suggest otherwise, I do begin to doubt slightly (also doesn't help that I'm a serial worrier about everything!) But you are correct, men (& women) can definitely be faithful and it's disheartening to see that so many people think otherwise. So, just for the sake of pacifying anyone else's concerns...there is a very low chance my boyfriend is cheating, and if he is, then I will eventually learn my lesson, but I can't go about my relationship distrusting him. He works Monday-Friday from 11am-7pm, goes to the gym/runs errands, and then gets home at 11 pm. The only time he would be able to 'cheat' would be on the weekends, which is when he has his daughter, so he wouldn't be able to. I think he's much too busy and occupied with his daughter and me, that even if he wanted to, there would rarely be a time for him to cheat.