Dotz

14 years ago

I'm sorry Dotz to hear about your DH. My heart just goes out to you. The days of suffering ahead will test your being. I hope you & your DH have many good days & only a few bad. You're a strong lady & your DH is a blessed man to have you in his life. I'd love to have someone like you in my Dad's life. Although, I shouldn't want that for any woman(JK). Love my Dad dearly, just not good marriage material. Hugs & prayers to you Dotz

Comments (13)

dotz_gw
14 years ago
Hey Misti!! How are you? Boys getting big I ll bet!!! Is DH behaving? LOL Hows the step situation going?DH went for a pain block yesterday, got me up early this AM, not a happy camper..Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and wishes. Bet your dad is not all bad, he raised you didnt he? LOL Keep in touch, please, think of you often XXOO Dotz
pseudo_mom
14 years ago
Sorry to hear about hubby ....

I have to say it was very nice of you to extend an olive branch to you know who and for it to be ignored.

with all you are going through to take the time to try and help her with her feelings (loneliness etc.) you are a wonderful woman the kids and the ex who cares ... take care of YOU and your hubby ... let them worry about the rest.

You have done enough for them.
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I really think why it worked for Dotz, above, is that her SS realized through his own divorce, how BM (his ex-) can so easily contaminate the well. It doesn't take much. Even a deep sigh from BM whenever dad's name or SM's name is mentioned, sends the signals to the kids that dad and SM make mom unhappy and threatened, so the kids feel threatened. Even as adults, very few SKs can remove the emotion from such and see it for what it is--mom being mom and her reaction is just that, her reaction and not necessarily the reality. But, when SS lost his own BM and the divorce shoe was now on his foot, it made it, I'd imagine, easier for things to click. I'm happy for Dotz. I've heard this from a few SMs, where after 20 or such years of being somewhat the family punching bag, something clicked, and next thing you know, BM was off somewhere with her new man and adult kids were all okie-dokie with dad AND SM. Some people have the ability to just let it all go and get back in love with whomever. I'm not sure I would. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It'd be very hard to let go of 20 years' memories of being the family scapegoat. And that is why I feel the real lesson here is for SKs or adult SKs. If it takes too long to put 2 and 2 together re: who on purpose, accidentally, or accidentally on purpose contaminated the well, it may be too late. Then, you lose one of your parents and/ or get divorced, and you have no one to reach out to. Given DNA, bio-dad may be forgiving, but SM may not, and she does not have the DNA connection that is usually required for that much forgiveness. Dotz' SS got really, really lucky. I hope he realizes that!
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I have to say that personally I would never call up my ex to help me with anything. I called him one time that I was in a jam and DS was not with me so it was more of something to do with me. He did not help me when I truly felt that I had no one to call at the time or else I would not have called him to begin with. I ended up finding help some other way out of my jam in the end and I will never ask another thing of him to help me out personally again. At the time I was desperate (hence the phone call to him)and I would not have cared if he had brought SM (TOW)with him if that is what he needed to do but he made lame excuses instead so I will never turn to him again. Now it is more of a pride thing. But I have truly only asked one time in eleven years that did not involve just needing help with DS that has usually involved more time for him anyway and I truly thought that once would not have been too much. I also know that SM is/was a very jealous, controlling woman through the years especially when it comes to ex talking to me and I do not know how much of that had influenced the situation. I do not know if now that they are split and he is single that things would be different but I will never find out because I will never ask him again--again, the pride thing. Besides, I am dating a man that is more capable than ex ever was at handling most anything that I would ever need anyway. But even if that were not the case, I would still never call him again. I do not believe that we will ever be true friends. I used to think that we all could be friends but I have come to realize that it is not possible, not in our situation anyway. We did try for a time but things always ended badly. We get along and maintain contact for DS but that is all that it will ever be and I believe that we both realize that and do not try to make more out of it.
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Asking for the ex to sign annulment papers is NOT walking all over them... She's free to not do it. Case closed. Who cares? He is so walking over them. He wants the Church to declare the marriage invalid, it never existed, it wasn't ever supposed to happen, excuse his decision/actions as if he were unconscious at the time and therefore, his son should never have happened either. Of course she is free not to sign it, but that was an invalid statement since no one is talking about anything she did or is trying to do, and you already know he will be granted an annulment whether she signs it or not. kkny, between these two threads, dotz refuses to see what she constantly does over and over. After repeatedly being shown her own words, she keeps denying them. On top of it all, we're being called "anti-Catholic." This is unreal to me, but I sure can understand why we were called that. Is it that they only believe what they are told to believe? So much so that they make statements and don't believe what they, themselves, said because the Church didn't tell them to believe it? children of course are upset with end of marriage, annulment makes it no worse for them There is nothing for a child to feel ashamed of because of an annullment..I am telling NO one HOW to feel Personally, I think Sheila Kennedy just didnt want to let go.... I applaud her if in fact these were convictions, but hanging on for ten years to reverse this seems a bit much to me.... I DID NOT condemn Sheila Kennedy I mean, if the Pope told her she stated/wrote these words, would she believe it then? If the Pope told them that non-Catholics are entitled to evaluate the theoretical impossibility, the theological anomaly, and the psychological ramifications and find the practice unnacceptable, would they believe it then? Of course, I don't expect him to reveal such a truth. (and that was the closest thing to remotely resembling anti-Catholic between these two threads, and it wasn't anti-Catholic either.)
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I've only posted a little about my dad and Sm. Basically I have not heard from my dad (who works 15 minutes from me and lives an hour from me) Ina year and a half. He is too busy helping exboyfriend of my youngest halfbrother who now is HIVpositive to actually think about his 5 children he created. He is 'mad' at me because I asked my stepdad to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Although I told my dad my plans since my sdad raised me -- included him and sm in all events: rehearsal dinner, they both received flowers with the parents and grandma's, Sm was escorted down the aisle with the parents. We did everything to include them except my sdad was with me and did the speech, father daughter dance, ect. My Sm came up to me at the reception and told me that she thought I needed to dance with my dad, I said 'sure where is he!' she said I don't know but you should go find him and tell him you want to dance. (why couldn't he ask ME to dance, afterall I was the bride and I was a bit busy to search down my dad in the smoking area of the patio). Then she tells me close to the end how hurt my dad is that I didn't include him, then goes on to tell me how there are two sides to a story and that I should ask him his side so I could understand why he wasn't around. (I think I know why, the birthdate of his fourth child precedes his divorce with my mom) but who's keeping score on a 25 yr divorce?? Apparently he is. Then in the video of the ceremony, she wouldn't even look at me coming down the aisle, she kept her back to me the entire time. Then at the reception, she apparently was telling my DH's aunts and uncles (whom they sat with at dinner) how my dad was forced out of our lives and that he Loves his kids blah blah... Not only did they tell me this the next day at breakfast but she was sitting right next to the camera!! Then I hear from friends and co workers how she was introducing herself as the 'black sheep of the family'. Inserting herself ... Meaning, I already had her as a friend on fb a couple of years ago and I deleted her when she was taking my family pictures from my page, cropping out whomever she didn't want in them and then putting them in her albums on FB. Also, apparently she copied pics from all three of our pics and then printed them, put them in frames at her house (my sister told me this last time she went over). She as met my brother once at my wedding. Never met him before nor has she seen him since ... She is a friend of his on fb. She tells him on ALL of his status updates 'we love you so much! We miss you!' He is kind of weirded out by it but isn't sure what to do other than delete it after a few days... Sorry to hijack. Had to explain. She puts herself in the middle of our family constantly but my dad doesn't even TRY to have a relationship with us. I have tried many times but he never calls, always says 'I called you and left a message' apparently all of our phones delete his calls and his messages. My sister was 'missing' one night. She was OK in the end but we were all a little freaked by it at the time. So I texted him ' heard from? Just trying to locate her?' he wrote back 'nope let me know if she turns up' and he is in law enforcement. So is my sister. For neighboring towns and I felt like he could have 'called around'. He said he didn't think about that a the time. He is pitiful and his wife just drives me nuts all the time. She threw a tempertrum about my baby shower and bridal shower because SHE wanted to help host. Well we are not close. They have been marred for 10 years, maybe 11. And for most of it, I have not known her. Her own son won't have anything to do with her for the same reasons. What really annoys me is when she will text us and remind us of our father's bday 'don't forget your dad on his bday or fathers day. I know he didn't raise you but still your dad.' well lady! He isn't my dad he walked out on me and never looked back until I was an adult and he didn't have to take care of me. Why dont you remind HIM of MY bday because I think he might have forgotten the date... Since it's been 13 years since he wished me a happy bday and it was 10 yrs before that!! That's what I mean. Inserting.
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dotz_gw
14 years ago
And how very nice of you to say that :) And as for the EX, would LOVE to just summon up the courage to say Screw you LOL, but I dont want DH to get slugged first and me second, she is a VERY volatile individual LOL Thanks again Dotz
mistihayes
Original Author
14 years ago
Hey Dotz,
I hope your day is going well. There is hurt that shouldn't be happening when one is ill. You want to be surrounded by loved ones. I'm so glad your DH has you. Divorce can really bring out the ulgies in people. I'm sorry & if I could stretch my arms to wherever you're at, I would. Well if you were here I'd have you covered in little boy kisses that are almost smothering.
My family is doing really good. DH is working his 3 12's so I get alot of help with the boys. Couldn't ask for a better Dad for my kids(superheroes). My 3 little boys believe they are superheroes that are always defeating the "bad guys". They go to bed discussing how they will defeat them when they wake up.
We are going to welcome a new addition into the family in April/May. DH is like the more the merrier & giving out High 5s & I'm looking at the pink lines thinking WOW, I'm going to be really busy again. To me, babies are hard work(precious), toddlers/preschoolers are much easier & just the funniest little creatures around.
Well Ms Dotz hang in there & know you have my fullest compassion & admiration. Hugs!
ashley1979
14 years ago
Congratulations, Misti! Even though you weren't really telling all of us :) LOL!
dotz_gw
14 years ago
Misti!! A new baby!!! Great news!! I am so happy for you!!!LOL Would pay big money to be smothered in kisses from little boys!! LOL..Reminds me, I had a death in my family once and one of my friends said, are you OK? And I said I need a baby and a dog.. Still feel like thats what I need....Oh I SO remember the Superhero days!! Remember HeMan? My lil guy had the sword inside the back of his shirt 24/7!!When it broke in half, he cried all night, first thing in the AM had to run out for a new one..All they had left was Skeletor, but they were identical, I ripped off the packaging and all was well again LOL Glad to hear all is well, cant wait to hear more baby news as it progresses!!! I m going to post a little story for you below, geez, so odd I thought of you when this happened, but I know I have told you about my SIL before..
dotz_gw
14 years ago
Hi Misti, wanted above seperate from good wishes...But I thought of you when SIL related this to me..SO last weekend, SIL flew in to stay with me for a 26K race in my city (shes originally from here)to raise money for the Childrens home that her daughter spent her last year in..Its a home for profoundly handicapped children, SILs daughter could not walk , talk was blind...SIL has a soft spot for the wonderful care her DD got here, and also has a relative of hers there now..So she , a woman in her mid fifties, decided to train, for four months, she is NOT a runner, and do this for DD(In memory) and relative, the home is in dire need of money, privately funded. I was worried sick about her, that she may get hurt, fall, pass out, break something, she is NOT a runner...Any way, here is her account of the race...She did well at first, keeping pace with some runners, passing others, and finally at Mile 15, as she calls it, she hit the wall, could not go a bit further and a young girl came up and fell in place beside her and started to talk to her, asked about her family, why she was running, and told her SHE had a relative in the same Home...She encouraged SIL the rest of the way and SIL said, I can do this, and felt this young girl was a Godsend, kept her going, never left her the next 10 miles, never leaving her side, like other runners had come and gone....ANYWAY, FOUR HUNDRED YARDS from the FINISH LINE, the girl said, YOU GO, FINISH STRONG YOU WILL BE FINE, and left the race!!! Walked off the course!!!! Disappeared from her sight!!!! Wouldnt you think if you raced 26 miles, you d go 400 yards for your medal???? So strange...SIL said she must have been my guardian angel..I ve been thinking about it since she left a few days ago...Just so odd the girl didnt cross and get her medal..So, anyway, was thinking about you Misti, and thought you might enjoy the story...
mistihayes
Original Author
14 years ago
Ashley, Thank you for the congrats. Those are always appreciated.
Dotz, I have a story to tell you but I have to transfer the photo to photobucket first. I have to tell the story with the photo. It's amazing & leaves me shaking my head that how can this be happening.
I got chills reading what you wrote above. I remember you telling me of your SIL & the tragedy she has lived with. Can you believe the endurance that woman has to continue life at its fullest? She's an inspiration to all. I admire her strength, courage, & determination to not give up.
Do you have facebook? There is a video on there that is going around called, "A Father's Amazing Love". It's beautiful if you get the opportunity to watch it. I bawled the whole time. I'll look on youtube too & see if it's there.
Thank you Dotz for being you. And yes, I enjoyed the story very much.
dotz_gw
14 years ago
Misti, Looking forward to your story and photo, if you d rather keep it private, I ll send you my email address...Wow, saw the video, Fathers Amazing Love on Youtube, sending it to SIL right now..She will love it..(I cried too :) )
mistihayes
Original Author
14 years ago
I hope the picture shows up. Sorry it's so long.
It was a few days before Mother's Day. It's a celebrated day for us. And it's that way because Brittani would always make me something special. Well we had taken the boys to the mall & each received a balloon from customer service, a yellow, blue, & orange balloon. While we were driving home Christian's blue balloon popped. He was heartbroken, couldn't soothe him w/ promises of a new balloon, screamed at the top of his lungs over this balloon. He was thrashing in his carseat. And Daddy yells, "You're balloon is gone & it's not coming back". Travis didn't know it but I had really been missing Brittani & thinking about her & as Christian was crying so hard I'm like that's how I was w/ Brittani, unconsolable. And when he yelled that back to Christian, it kind of stunned me too. Well we got home & I made my other 2 boys leave their balloons at the squirrel feeder & told them we'll just enjoy looking at the 2 balloons from our livingroom window. So, I hang up the 2 balloons & it only takes a minute to walk in the house & up the stairs. We all went right to the window & their was a pink balloon sitting at the base of the tree. Pink was Brittani's color. Travis was amazed. I was speechless. I ran outside searched the neighborhood for another pink balloon. This was midweek, no parties around, no balloons anywhere. Now how can this pink balloon just show up at the exact time & sit at the base of the tree where I hung up my boys' balloons? I'm a very alert person & would have seen a pink balloon if it had been in the yard prior to me hanging up the boys' balloons. It just sat right there. It was like Brittani saying, "No, I'm not here in the way you might think, but I'm here for you."
lovehadley
14 years ago
Wow, Misti. That is soooo cool. What a special way for your little angel to let you know her spirit is always around you!

I have NEVER found a "randon balloon" in my front yard! EVER.

I am the first to be skeptical, but that is just TOO coincidental for me!

I definitey believe your little girl is with you always!
mistihayes
Original Author
14 years ago
Thanks Love! Many hopeful prayers your way. We did IVF w/ my twins & when I read your hopes, I can only think positive. Goodluck to you & yours. It's definetly an amazing adventure.
dotz_gw
14 years ago
Misti, I am not one bit surprised that Brit wants to give you a sign.. I love this!!! My kids(niece and nephew) give me signs now and then, no one can understand this like we do.....I wish there was a forum were people could talk about this without some one thinking you were dreaming these things up!!!!

Dotz

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