MY DAD HAS GOT WIND OF THE SITUATION AND TOLD MY SISTER HE'S UPSET BY THE SITUATION, I AM TOO BUT I'M NOT SORRY FOR CARING FOR MY DAD, I AM WILLING TO TALK TO THIS WOMAN BUT SHE REFUSES AND A RECENT BIRTHDAY CARD CAME FROM MY DAD ONLY WITHOUT HER NAME ON. I'M AT THE END OF MY TETHER, I HAVE NEVER STOPED TALKING TO ANYONE IN MY LIFE BEFORE. MY HUSBAND SAYS TO FORGET ABOUT HER BUT THIS IS VERY HARD TO DO, SHE'S POISING MY DAD AGAINST ME AND I FEEL TOTALLY SUCCERED BY HER!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, my first piece of advice to help you is:
Stop writing in all caps. It's extremely hard for your reader to follow. If you use proper upper and lower case, other posters here are more likely to respond to you.

And then moving on to the issue at hand:
I'm also an adult stepdaughter. My situation is slightly different because my mom died when I was 16 and my dad married someone I'd known most of my life.
Being an adult stepdaughter has its tough moments... Mostly when SM and SD have different viewpoints on what is right for the dad/husband.

Remember that we are all influenced by the people we spend our time with. So I think you need to ignore that he has changed some of his minor preferences - like now preferring coffee over tea. I flipflop back and forth between those two every few weeks! Maybe she drinks a different brand of coffee that he turns out to really like. Maybe he just decided that after 50+ years of tea, he wanted a change.
And the switch from rum to brandy is no big deal either. I understand concern about an increase in drinking, but WHAT he's drinking isn't really his children's concern. My dad used to drink beer in bottles, but has switched to beer in cans because my SM finds it easier to recycle cans. I'm not about to call the national guard.

As for your SM drinking brandy from a mug... I see your concern about the vast quantity of booze, but does what she drinks it from really matter? I like to drink from mugs - I like the handle because I have small hands and am always cold. I'd be annoyed if someone questioned me for drinking soymilk from a mug instead of a glass.

I'd be upset about her being that drunk in the presence of children too. I think you're justified in that. But I think there might be a better way to deal with it than say you're not staying there again. A quiet conversation with your dad - not on your way out the door - to say "I am struggling with making peace about our last visit and I'm concerned about how much SM drinks. I know that it is very difficult and stressful to live with someone who drinks a lot, and it can affect your health, happiness and relationships. I'd hate to see that happen to you, so I'd like to open a dialogue about SM's drinking. Would you be willing to talk with me about how much she drinks and how often? I'm just worried about you, Dad, and want to talk about this."

It was insensitive of your dad to tell you about his engagement on the anniversary of your mother's death. Very insensitive. He should have told you on a different day.
I'm not sure what Tescos is, but I'm guessing it's some sort of public place? That was also insensitive. He should have told you in private.
There isn't anything to do to change his poor choices now, but I'd suggest you talk to hm about it too. Explain that you've been holding on to that hurt for awhile and would like to let it go by getting it off your chest to him. Be nice about it; use "I statements". Accept his apology.

As for the renos and shopping... Are you sure it's all your dad's money being spent? My brother's FDW paid for a bunch of renos, a hottub, new furniture, etc, when she moved into his place. My other brother and SIL were trash-talking about how FSIL was just spending all his money, and so on and so forth. Little did they know, she had a lot of money saved from the sale of her home and paid for all their improvements herself - she had never told us that she had many thousands of dollars in the bank, and you'd never guess it, considering that she was a single mom in jeans and t-shirts driving a 6yo minivan.
I guess I'm saying not to judge a financial situation unless you know all the details for sure and certain.
I've been mad about my dad has spent money too. I was PISSED when I was in university and he told me he couldn't buy my textbooks that year because they had to save up in case they had to make a mortgage payment for my stepsister... Because... get this... her husband had picked up a cocaine addiction and kept spending all their money on drugs. I was spitting mad, but it's their money and they can do with it what they choose.
My uncle's wife was mad when my grandma gave me $2000 to go on a month-long trip a few years ago. She wanted to renovate her kitchen, so she was choked that Grandma gave money to me. But the bottom line is that it's Grandma's money and she gets to choose what to do with it.

Now, about your dad being in the hospital.
Your SM called your sister, right? So maybe she thought your sister would continue the phone tree and pass along the information? She could have called the most involved of his children, but she called the one who lives nearby, probably in hopes that your sister would come to help out, or maybe to avoid long distance charges?
And my guess on her snapping at you on the phone when you said you'd take a flight is that she was very stressed about your dad's hospitalization. That doesn't excuse her rudeness, but do you think that might explain it?
Is it possible that she has picked up on that you don't think she's suitable, capable, etc, and is being aggressive because of it? Taking an aggressive stance when feeling cornered is a pretty normal human behavior. It doesn't excuse her bad behavior, but again, it can explain it.

You and SM need to have a civil conversation about your dad's care. No one should be name calling, and you should both respect each other's thoughts. It might be tough to get her to participate, since she doesn't sound keen on being civil to you... So you have to set the good example and not take the bait if she gets out of hand.

If your mom's family is trying to maintain a relationship with your dad, it is HIS job to keep up his end, not SM's. Her job is to not interfere with it. It sounds like neither of them are doing their jobs.

I suppose the real underlying message here:
You and your dad are both adults and makes your own choices. If you want to keep a good relationship with him, you need to remember that and tread carefully.

I suspect you have been rude/impolite/mean in some way or another to your SM, and that's the reason she was rude to you and doesn't want you talking to her. The reason I say is that nothing you have stated or complained about is any of your business. It's all your disdain for her and that your father married her but nothing awful she has actually done that any other woman wouldn't do. I can understand you don't like these things happened but none of it is anything to complain about. At 40 years old, you know by now people do whatever they want with their money. You don't report to your father or ask his permission when spending your money nor when your spouse sprnds it, nor does he criticize every time you do. If your dad wants to spend it on the house or on his wife and if he allows her to spend it up on TV shopping channels, he is entitled to do whatever he wants to bring them happiness. Nothing you complained about is terrible and some of it can probably be explained, but you don't like her or that your father got married. That he is married to a woman other than your mother is what you have to reconcile yourself to. When people don't like a person or can't bring themselves to deal with a situation, then they make sure to show it even if they don't say it out loud, and that's what I think you have done. Perhaps rolled your eyes at her, snapped or gave snippy answers, sighed with impertinence and impatience, did or said SOMETHING to let her know you don't like her. We do these things so we can claim innocent, complain, and blame the other person, when they are actually only responding to those childish actions and attitudes. She doesn't have to live her life by your approval, nor does your father.

Further to message from thermometer. Fair points but I have tried with her and got on well at first, I was the daughter she never had, she has changed since marrying my Father!!!!!!!!! Life is too short to hold grudges and I won't let her spoil my relationship with my dad.

I think the problem here is that you tried to control your dad's and SM lives, they didn't like it (who would?) and now there are problems. it is not your business where they live and what they do wiht money. their drinking is a problem, agree, but there is little you can do about that. and it is too funny: he drank rum and now he drinks brandy like it is some important difference. back off and see what happens. or maybe apologize for attempts to ruin their relationship by interfering. he is not your baby, he is your dad, treat him like adult.

I am so sorry. Let this be a lesson to all, if your mom leaves you estate, do not sign over to dad. She must be rolling over in her grave.

Ellie, turn back the memory clock and retake a look at how this all began for you and your SM.

You were not happy he began dating, but then say you got over that. You were shocked and angry when dad and her first visited you because they shared a bedroom from the get-go. You asked dad not to move that woman into his home (and there screams 'if you MUST live with THAT woman, do it else). You turned your nose up at the initial efforts of SM to be friendly with you when he rejected her wanting to cook for you, help around a bit on their visit to you.

Can you see where the problem started now? You rebuffed this woman from day one, yet now you wonder why she shuts you out. She is not ruining your relationship with your father, you are doing that all on your own.

Mugs, glasses, coffee, tea blah blah blah---what does it matter? It matters to you because I think with each passing new difference in dad's tastes and ways, you believe dad is dishonoring your mom and his old life with her.

And what's with the money? Is your problem with SM spending money is the thought there might be less or even none left to leave you when he dies? That's extremely selfish on your part. Dad worked his whole life, he earned every bit of what he has and he is entitled to spend his money any way that makes him happy. If he manages to spend it all, tough, it just means he spent his money on himself and his new lifestyle and did not save any to pass down to you or your siblings--being his child does not mean he has to save all his money so you get it in the end.

You've done a lot of damage, whether or not you can now fix it, I don't know, but the first step has to be seeing and acknowledging that you have played a major role in what has ocurred.

Justme -- did you and I read the same original post -- as to money. OP says she signed over her mothers estate to her dad. AGain, I point out the need to protect estate for children, and make certain they understand it is not there for SM.

Yeah, KKNY, we read the same OP. But 'I' did not see anything in it that would raise need to assume the worse, though as usual you 'see' whatever 'you' choose to make of the statements.

Did you read Mum left lots of money of her 'own' and Dad made kids sign off on ever receiving any? No, 'you' did not.

What Ellie wrote could mean just about anything without more clarification and details. Did mom actually have anything in her own name and in her name alone? If Mum had her name on anything like property/home/accounts, how did it get there and what if anything was her contribution to building and maintaining it?

Did Mum, die without will? Did probate go into a 1/2 to Dad and then the other half brake down into the five siblings?

'You' know and read between the lines all the answers to these questions, right?

Her statement could have meant as little as dad could not have accessed his own money until the 5 siblings cleared the way.

My own father dropped dead at 55 unexpectedly and without will and these was a complex tangle which needed to be done legally, my mom was 53, and there was lots we had to tend to clear the way for my mom, I'm not as stupid as you seem to think I am. I knew what I had to do and fully understand what and why I signed off and what remained in my name as heir.

My mum did have some 40,000 in her own right she worked full time, left no will and dad asked us to sign over money. It was something done with no hesitation, Dad and Mum comfortably off but were very careful with money, it concerns me that he now is not very careful, I would have preferred if he spent more of it when my Mum was alive with her!
I am not grudging him any money and not banking on a inherritance, but it makes me sad to think of another woman enjoying my Mums money.
My Dad was very dependent on me and spent all major holidays with me and my three teenagers, and we all miss that very much. No matter what he is my Dad!

"No matter what he is my Dad!"

So get over your petty gripes about your SM and deal with the genuine concerns about your dad's welfare in a mature and calm manner.
He is your dad no matter who is married to or what he drinks with his breakfast.

For every situation, think to yourself "Would this be upsetting me if it was Dad and Mom that did it?"
Be honest with yourself... And don't go on the easy sidetrack of "Well, Mom would never have done that" - even if that's the case. Ask yourself "Would I be all in knots if Mom drank from a mug instead of a glass?" and "Would I be upset if Mom got very drunk in from of my children?". I think you will find what to be upset about, what to ignore and how to deal with it all.

I don't think my gripes are peti and I worry that she is covering up her drinking by drinking out of a mug, I really don't care about what she drinks, I care about my Dad. I was only saying that his prefrences have changed a lot since meeting her and it has been noticed by other members of the family also. My Mum was a lady and never ever got drunk!

Ellie, I am so sorry about all this. Some people here think a SM can do no wrong. Good luck.

Well, Ellie, that's not all that much money, and you did, as you say, 'something done with no hesitation' so I will assume you did so being free of any threat and that you had a lawyer involved to protect your own interest and were fully informed as to what you were doing and what your options were (KKNY, did I say that in a manner that suits you!), so, now it is just a simple matter of you don't like the way he is spending the money you willing without hesitation handed over to him to do as he pleases.

No one said your Mum was a drunk, but you have to try not comparing everything this SM does or does not do to what Mum did. Yes, I would be concerned about amount of drinking that may occur. Has your father's drinking amount increased? Does you father feel his wife's drinking is a problem? He lives with her, he would know?

Have you and dad sat down together and seriously talked, just the two of you about your concerns? You say is is not happy about the situation (upset were your words)when you arrived at the hospital -- can you and dad talk? Why would dad not look at you?

Well, I guess this is just another post where people were supposed to confirm the person's petty nature and give her absolution. She started a war with her stepmother and wants everyone to tell her how right she was for doing it. Goodness forbid the husbands of anyone here should change from drinking Coke to drinking Pepsi or from wearing loafers to wingtips. Nor should the second wife decorate HER home the way she wants, despite the fact that is exactly what the first wife did. All you second wives are second class citizens and are entitled to absolutely nothing, so you might as well know your place and just quietly sit in it, while the children of the first marriage run over you from the very beginning and complain about everything you do. You know you need their permission to breath, so stop thinking your lungs function entirely on their own accord. Call your stepchildren every morning and ask if it's okay to get out of bed. Ask them to tell you what to cook their father for dinner each night. Make sure they approve of you sitting on the sofa their mother bought, and by all means display her pictures all over the house. Turn all the rooms into her fortress. How dare you think you can have a mind of your own or environment of your liking. And don't even think about suggesting anything to your husband lest he might change his mind about something.....because you know he needs his insanely immature kids' permission to do that.

There. The OP should be quite happy now.

If SM is drinking 1.5 liters of brandy every night, that seems to me more than a minor issue. Its not the same as coke v. pepsi.

--If SM is drinking 1.5 liters of brandy every night--

You are putting in accusations here not actually stated. 'I' read SM did this ONE night. Where did you read SM does this every night?

kkny, as usual you are manufacturing your own scenario and not following the points being made. I said nothing about SM concerning Coke vs Pepsi and didn't say anything at all about what SM drinks. I was talking about the husband changing his normal beverage of preference. Surely you know the plural form of the noun husband, as in "husbands" refers to the male spouse, right? Or did you also invent your own English language?

Ellie, you're ignoring the KEY POINT of my advice and taking the easy side-track I specifically said you should avoid.

Regardless of whether your mom would have ACTUALLY gotten drunk in front of your kids, pretend that HYPOTHETICALLY, she got drunk in front of your kids. Would you be mad at her?
I suspect the answer is yes.
How would you have dealt with it? Would you have sworn off going to their home ever again? Or would you have found an opportunity to speak to your parents about your concerns?

Again, regardless of whether your mom ACTUALLY liked coffee or tea, pretend that HYPOTHETICALLY she switched from tea to coffee and your dad did too. Would you have a problem with this?
I suspect the answer is no.
How would you have dealt with it? Well, you wouldn't have, because what they drink with breakfast is completely insignificant to your life. I bet you would have thought "Huh. That's weird," and carried on with your day without stewing.

My mom was a totally different person than my SM is. And, obviously, my relationship with my mom was different than my relationship with my SM.
But when it comes to my dad, I try to ask myself, "Would I be upset if it was Dad and Mom that did this?"
If the answer is no, then I'm being ridiculous and petty and I forget about it.
If the answer is yes, I try to deal with it by talking to them about it.

I'ld suspect if SM drank 1.5 liters of brandy in my house, she drinks more at home. I'ld suspect most people would be talking to mom about a drinking problem if this happened with their mom.

Eh, I'm still not going to 'judge' SM on drinking if the binge was at SD's house yet. I don't drink at all and I think that whole event would have tempted me to want to hide in a bottle (or under a rock, behind a shed, heck anywhere but where I was)

Dad's not getting off the hook here. What was dad thinking with bringing soon to be SM to SD's home for a vacation/visit on the anniversary of Mum's death, take daughter to a shopping center and announce after he had told his daughter he would not be getting remarried 'hey, guess what, honey, ______and I decided we're getting married'. Geez, why not just hit 'er with a bus. Some tack, Dad.

Considering OP was already having major problems with having dad with a girlfriend, I can just imagine how OP reacted right then and there and continued on through out the 'holiday'. Evening ended up with soon to be SM tilting the bottle heavy and mumbling 'but we're lonely' , I certainly would wager there was a whole lot of emotional activity inbetween announcement and binge.

Second binge we hear about is when OP arrives at her parents old home where dad and SM now live which has gone through lots of redos', had no pictures out of OP mother and a SD/SM 'war' already in force. I have a hunch something was left out of the retelling of this little setting too.

I already stated a drinking problem if it is indeed a real problem should be case for concern, but the majority of the ranting issues OP pointed out and squealed about in her very lengthy post had nothing to do with drinking. The drinking is a small part of what has OP all fired up and angry.

dad is an adult and unless he has dementia he can do what he wants, if her drinking doesn't bother him then it is nothing you can do. it seems like you are concerned wiht money not drinking. it is not your money though. my parents collect some junk, i hate seeing them spending money on it, but it is their money, i can vent but that's about it.

as about everything else. i agree wiht justmetoo, i don't drink but i would get wasted too if I would be in SM's shoes. With such controliing SD, she just had to be wasted 24/7 to survive through SD's visits. lol