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"my bad", appologies that only mean, "I'm sorry I got caught"

Posted by blakemountainhome (My Page) on
Wed, Oct 3, 12 at 14:37

Between my husband and I, we have 5 children. To me: BS-18; SS-14; SS-13; BS-12; BD-10. My kids adore my husband and honor his every word. His children could care less about anything, especially me. My authority as the wife and mother of this home means nothing. I'm not trying to replace their mother. I respect that they do have a mother. But when they are with us, they do need to adhere to the rules of the home just like everyone else. But they don't. They are rude, inconsiderate, and hateful.

Very recently, my husband went on a hunting trip. The boys went with him. They were only with him over the weekend because of school. When he brought them back, I was alone with all 5 for several days. I discovered how much my patience would be tested. I lived a nighmare. I told him that he will never bring them back early to be with me alone, because I can't handle it.

I love my husband so much and refuse to give up. But I am wondering where I am going to find any more patience. I have no clue how to communicate with these boys to the point that our home is simply civil.

Some background...their mother is an addict and alcoholic. She has been in rehab 4 times, twice this year. She has also attempted suicide 2 times this year. Once when the boys were visiting her.

I work very hard to treat all 5 the same. No favorites. But I am quickly getting to the point that I just don't care any more.

The best is when they get caught doing something they know they are not supposed to and their instant response is "My Bad". When you look at them, they just grin back at you. They are not sorry for anything. They are just sorry they got caught.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: "my bad", appologies that only mean, "I'm sorry I got caught"

immediate, intensive therapy.

no kidding, these boys have been through something like war, & they're showing the damage.

logical enough to undestand, but it doesn't help the person who bears the brunt of their horrible behavior.

They have to learn how to live with other people if they aren't going to find themselves in prison or on the streets, & their dad is the one who must set the structure.

If he/they aren't interested, you have to consider your own future & you have to honor your obligations to your own children;
your quality of life will *never* get better in this environment;
these things never get better, they always deteriorate, & your children deserve a healthy, normal, non-crazy life.

I wish you the very very best.

RE: "my bad", appologies that only mean, "I'm sorry I got caught"

My situation has many similarities to yours, and I agree with everything Silviatexas has said. My stepson was recently diagnosed with PTSD and some ODD. It's sad and we're getting him counselling, but we need to keep him in line to protect the wellbeing of the other kids, and adults, in the house. We also need to protect our marriage because it's the foundation of the family.

You and your husband need to set boundaries right now, and enforce them in every single case. There must be a consequence for every rude behaviour. Communication can be quite simple - "rude comment means no cell phone for a week. Next time, it's a month". It works like a charm in our house.
Therapy is essential, and you might also want to consider some extracurriculars for the boys to given them some structure and self respect. The psychologist recommended cadets for my stepson. Sleep away camp this summer was also very good for him. They will not want to do these things but, again, the adults control the computer, cellphone and TV.

If your husband is a decent father, he will enforce the rules and ensure that the boys stay in line. If not, you need to reassess whether this man is a good stepparent for your children. It is not your job to be patient while chaos ensues in your house. It is your job to support your husband while he raises his children. If he isn't doing his part, then you are already on your own.

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