Well, I didn't remarry. This is a first marriage for both DH and myself.

Honestly---I love my DH, he is my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without him in it. My DD loves him dearly as her "dad," although he is not bio-dad. She doesn't know anyone other than him as dad.

If I had to do it over again, though, if I could go back and change decisions from years ago....I would.

It is too much. I am not very *happy* even though I love him so much. Does that make sense?

It is all just too much drama.

"If I had to do it over again, though, if I could go back and change decisions from years ago....I would. "

Wanted to clarify--I mean--I WOULD NOT marry him.

How sad is that? :(

If I had known what a nut DH's ex was going to turn out to be BEFORE I MARRIED HIM, I am not sure I would do it. i won't say I wouldn't because what we have together makes dealing with her tolerable. It helps that she lives so far away and I have a forum to vent my frustrations... and I am learning to let more roll off my back. The thought of dealing with her for the next 20+ years is not pleasant, but for me, the key is learning to ignore her and not let it affect me.

As to titles. my SD calls her mom's BF 'dad'. In my opinion, it's a WORD. Kids should be allowed to have a good relationship with as many people that will love and take care of them as possible. If they want or need to call another adult mom or dad for that to exist, who cares? If a parent is being the best parent they can be and is secure in their role as the parent, it should not matter who they are calling what. It doesn't bother my DH in the least if his daughter calls mom's BF dad... he knows HE is the dad and as long as she doesn't start calling him by his first name and the other guy dad, it isn't an issue. If SD started calling DH by his first name, then my opinion is that he may need to find out why and work on his relationship with her. (of course there is no downplaying a parent poisoning the child.. that happens but it makes it harder to poison a child against someone that is really involved in the child's life.)

Good question Silver... I would never marry ANOTHER man who had children, but I ll keep my DH, because he is most definetly worth the struggle..The bad part, My DS hates that I am remarried, hates DH , will not give him a chance, chooses not to even meet SSs. I cannot stand the thought of going back into court(AGAIN GROAN) and seeing and hearing the nightmare BM(coming soon)squabble over nickles and dimes, and lie and cheat, when DH tries to be honorable..This family will never be blended, I can only hope for peaceable..May be easier with younger kids, too late for us, all adults..But I think today, even childless people go into marriage with the WRONG people, like Bridezilla, you can see the divorce coming ,on the Wedding day itself, not a match and hang on to each other like a bad habit because they dont know HOW to be alone.. Singles really should take inventory and see if the values and compatability are there...IMO

Love, that is sad. I understand though. Dotz, I feel as you do. I would NEVER marry another man who had children. Nor would I marry again while my daughter is a child. It is just too hard. For me and for her, at this point, I think, the benefits outweigh the costs, but it is a very slippery slope. I think girls need a father figure in their everyday lives. But it's been hard on her too. I'm not sure if I would not have married again, but I'd sure THINK a lot harder on it!!!

One thing that keeps sticking in my mind is all the people who stay together regardless of issues. Since we have the choice to divorce, we utilize that choice. If I didn't have the choice I would be miserable. No sex, tons of misbehaving on his part, no real love... etc... what kind of example would that have been for my daughter?! I was soooo unhappy.

One thing that sticks in my head(and I heard it on this forum, dont know who said it) there are problems AROUND us, not BETWEEN us...Works for me...

I can entirely understand love's response.

This "would you do it again" question has been posted before, & my answer was & is very similar to hers:

I wouldn't go near it with a 10-ft pole.

too much drama, too much disfunction.

Personally I will answer with yes, yes and yes, because luckily my stepfamily has blended very well. But it took a LOT of work to overcome the challenges, that's for sure. On the other hand, there are challenges in non-step families as well, and I think ultimately the elements that make for success are very similar, don't you? Love, respect, good parenting, knowing how to juggle the marriage and our roles as parents (and perhaps most importantly, not letting those last two get all mixed up).

Just as an aside, when DH and I were first married I read up on marriage styles and traditions from around the world. I found that polygamous societies had a lot to teach stepfamilies, both on the plus and minus side.

I think being in a stepfamily has helped me be a more independent woman, ironically.

And I do think that it's important to be able to acknowledge to your spouse and vice versa that there is a certain sense of loss. To be able to say, "I wish we had found each other earlier and that all these children were ours and ours alone." And then to progress to feeling that the ex-spouses are to an extent family as well. Hard as that is, it helps reduce the sense of fragmentation.

Polygamous, as in historically polygamous, or as in Morman?

No way would I go back & do it again. I love him but all the drama has been hell and always knowing that I come last has beaten down my self esteem. If I knew anyone contemplating a remarriage that included "blending" a family I would very strongly discourage it. Sometimes love just is not enough.
Cat

I love my 3 step children dearly but I didn't raise them. They were 20-25 when I married their dad. I also have 3 and he helped me raise my DS from age 12 and is the only dad my son acknowledges. My DD's were 20 & 22 when we married. One DD loves DH, the other is OK with him. So to answer the question, yes I would do it again but if I'd had to raise them it might be a different answer. DH's ex has never been a problem to me. She lived 250 miles from here until the past 3 years and had little to do with the kids until she needed them to take care of her in her later years. My ex lives here and has never remarried or had other children. Our kids are cordial to their step sibs but don't 'blend' like we would like for them to but 2 of mine don't live here so they rarely see the others. All in all neither of us have any complaints about 'our' kids. Some of the grandkids are a whole 'nother story though.

Silversword: I studied many forms of polygamy (and that includes polyandry, when a woman can have multiple husbands). There was something about the early days of stepmotherhood that just made me interested in that topic. (Ha, I wonder why!) One thing that cuts across polygamous groups is that there is not usually a powerful, strong emotional bond between husband and wife. For polygamy to work successfully (as defined by participants stating their satisfaction in the marriage), the spouses of the same gender need to have a good relationship--and that relationship often is more powerful and important than their emotional attachment to the common husband (it's mostly a man). Their relationship to him is more like that of an employee to employer.

OK, so how does that fit in with stepfamilies? First, there is the similarity that if all the people who occupied the same "slot" get along, things go better.

But, there is a big difference, and this ties in with what Catlettuce said. IF the new spouse is made to feel less important than the folks who were in the family before she/he came along, that is a recipe for disaster & divorce. However, if the new partner is cherished and treated as the unique, only spouse--DESPITE there being a former or formers in the picture--it can actually enhance the new spouse's sense of well-being. And the emotional bond between husband and wife (or two of each if it's a same-sex marriage) can be extremely powerful and is enhanced by the VISIBLE actions the formerly married spouse takes to make his/her new spouse know he/she is the only one, and to build a protective barrier around their marriage

Interesting way of looking at it Ulrike. I never thought of stepparenthood in quite those terms but it completely makes sense. My husband and the bio-father aren't best friends, but they both respect the role the other one plays in the relationship. That makes it so much easier!

From the few polygamous (and one polyandrus) relationships I've seen firsthand there was friendship between the two same gender but eventually jealousy got in the way. The polyandrus relationship was quite well known in our community and lasted over ten years.

I just finished reading Stolen Innocence about Warren Jeff's polygamous cult and what the author said about why her family didn't work pretty much was exactly what you said. The women didn't get along, so there could be no peace in the house. They didn't feel equal, and neither did the kids.

You really opened my eyes to the parallels between poly/step. I'm going to have to look more into the subject. Thank you!

Over the years it has become crystal clear to me - almost every problem I have had with regards to our stepfamily structure generally revolves around my husband's actions (or more specifically, his inactions!!). I would keep the stepdaughters but cut loose the husband - men seem to make a mess out of everything!!!!

If we were to divorce - I would not remarry if I had children still living at home.

If you were to ask me today, I would say yes - without a doubt I made the right choice. My DH's ex may be infuriating, but SD understands who she is now and my life is so much simpler because of that.

If you were to ask me 4 years ago, before SD figured her mom out and thought she walked on water but cried to me about her all the time I would have said no - my heart and my head couldn't go through this again.

I will say, without a doubt, that the bad years - the anger, the tears, the screaming into a pillow - were worth reaching where we are now as a family unit, and for my relationship with my SD. I wouldn't trade her for the world.

I do love my DH and I am glad we are married, BUT it hasn't been easy at all. It was fine for the first 8 years before I moved in and then once I moved in it went downhill with the kids. Things on that front improved but now the EX is becoming more problematic than before. I haven't mentioned her much out of some sort of respect for her privacy and because I believe she has some sort of mental illness.

She is a real wack-a-doodle and rapidly devolving. Her lack of parenting has left its mark on her DDs and it bleeds into this house, and upsets everyone. She has placed her BF before her kids amongst other, much worse, things. I thought that it would get better as her kids got older but I am mistaken, as it is much worse. The kids are in their mid and early 20's. BM called the night she found out we were married and she woke us at 1am! She somehow got my cell number and has called me a few different times to ask me to do FREE favors for her, in my profession. A few weeks ago she sent me a message in what I thought was a very private Face Book page - and according to SD she has been lurking my page. She is beyond angry with us and my MIL because we are no longer willing to babysit her DS - DD's half bro. She lacks boundaries and it seems to be escalating. Every couple of three weeks it's something new. One never knows when the shoe will drop, but it will. She has no business calling us. Her DD's have their own phones, they're adults, we don't call her. We only anticipated dealing with her for weddings and births or an emergency involving their DD's. Thanks for the vent because I have been extremely stressed over her most recent stunt lately.

That being said, I am here to stay, but if I knew someone about to become seriously involved with someone with kids and an ex-spouse - I'd say run, run, run.

My second husband is still (after 15 years of marriage) the kindest, most considerate man I have ever met -- and from a position of strength, not weakness. Had I never gone through my very painful first marriage, I would not have been able to fully appreciate how important his kindness is, or to value him the way he deserves to be valued.

Of course, nothing and nobody is perfect. His Ex and my Ex have both caused drama. His children and my child have all made things more difficult. (As has our child together.) But we're generally very clear on the problems AROUND us versus the problems BETWEEN us, and we're diligent about pushing other people's problems to the periphery of our lives. Not to say we won't help -- but your problems belong to you -- we've got our own to handle.

You know what they say about sex -- that you're also sleeping with all of your partner's Ex's?
Well, that's certainly true of stepfamilies!
If your Ex is a loony, that will cause problems in your life.
If your spouse's Ex is a nut case -- more problems.
So in addition to closely evaluating a proposed life partner, I'd strongly urge anyone considering a second marriage to take a CLOSE look at that person's Ex -- because he or she will have the power to make your life miserable if they want to...

Add one more lesson we need to teach our kids --
Never, Never, Never sleep with a nut case! Because if a pregnancy results, that Wacko will be your child's other parent, and that puts the Wacko in your life forever.

I thought DH was the strangest most interesting person I had EVER met. Hands down he still is. I was very young when I married the first time...BARELY nineteen. When that marriage ended it was on good terms. There were no children involved because I was told I couldn't get pregnant and at that point never had. I was on no contraception. It just never happened.

When I met DH he was still playing in bands. The first thing he did was show me a picture of his kids. He had their names tatooed on his forearms in big old english letters. He obviously loved his kids. I started hanging out with him casualy and eventually met the girls. After seeing him interact with them I was hooked. I had never been around a man with children and at the time I MYSELF thought I would never have any of my own. The more I got to know both him and the girls the more I fell head over hills.

I would totally marry him again in a heart beat. He is awesome to me. He is a great daddy. WE ended up having a child and I am prgnant again....further proof in my eyes that this was meant to be. Doctors be damned I am a mama now. It's very true BM can be a bit much but she is minor annoyance when compared to what I have gained in family. It has ben so so so worth every single one of her stunts to be able to have this family I have.

I JUST got married a little over 2 months ago after dating DH for 3 days shy of 7 years.

All I have to say is "what the he*l is wrong with me?" LOL! I knew what I was getting into.

But he is the perfect compliment to me. When I want to dive in head first, he procrastinates. When I am furious, he's calm. He lets me blow off steam and doesn't take it personally.

Loke Dotz said...the problems aren't between us; they're around us. Not saying we don't have issues. But, to me, we have come together so much in the last 2 years that I believe we can take on anything thrown at us, whereas before, I felt like I was just kind of peripheral in his life.

We're a team now. And I guarantee it has helped his relationship with my DS and even in interacting with X.

X actually told him congratulations. LMAO! How weird was that???? LOL!

My answer would be similar to JNM's; 4 years ago I wouldn't have ever married him. Now, I wouldn't trade what we have for the world. Stupid mistakes and all.

Never, Never, Never sleep with a nut case! Because if a pregnancy results, that Wacko will be your child's other parent, and that puts the Wacko in your life forever.

Sweeby - that is some of the best advice I have ever read on here

I would not do it again - I do love my DH and the horrible years are behind us now as SS moved out and is in the army, but would I ever remarry if something happened to DH?

NO

Our marriage was a very positive thing for my husband. For me it was all negative except for financial, thanks to me for being forward thinking, I am okay there. He was a good man, but a cold man.

Huh, Maime, is this your second marriage? What do you mean by "except for financial, thanks to me for being forward thinking"

I am not married, divorced. i would possibly marry again but not anyone with young children. i never dated a man with young children, never wanted to. in fact my SO is the only man with children (grown) that i ever dated.

i decided to add that i would never marry (or date) a man who doesn't have a relationship with his children, doesn't see them or is estranged. ether no children or is involved with them.

kk, it sounds like she got a good pre-nup.

which I favor.

(& I bet Paul McCartney does, now, too!)

finedreams, you're wise.

My aunt nearly got into a big ole disfunctional family mess years ago;

she had been seeing a man, liked him, & was shocked at his children's attitude toward him.

fast forward about 2 years, by which time she'd met the "kids" (in their 50's!) & the man had told her enough of his background for her to realize...

it wasn't the kids.

KKY, the marriage was a negative thing for me emotionally, but financially it was very positive. That means he earned the money, handed the check over to me and I saved for our golden years. I am now in the situation where I can do or have any thing I want. When he died I was not left penniless like I would have been with my first husband.

I would never marry again.

"He was a good man, but a cold man."

Sounds a lot like my MIL. She married her 2nd husband because she was divorced from a man who treated her badly and she had 3 little kids. She didn't love him; she needed him. He took control of her lives and the kids' lives. Pressured the BD into giving up rights and adopted the kids. Things were different back in the 60's, I guess. Not as much rights for fathers as there are now.

Sylvia, I agree and thats why I got an agreement that covered my D and me. Becuase as much as some people here critize the mother for being gimmie gimmie gimme -- I think its an issue just as likely if not more for second wives.

"the man had told her enough of his background for her to realize...

it wasn't the kids."

with few exceptions it is never the kids.

With few exceptions, its never the kids........There would be NO need for STEP FAMILY FORUM...unless for the KIDS...

i was talking about the case of parents not seeing their kids. when parents do not see their kids it is not the kids at fault. it is the parents (wiht few exceptions here and there).

I agree, it's not the kids, it's the differences in the ways the adults handle the kids, the adults having conflicts and the kids reacting to the differences that causes majority of the issues.

The kids aren't the issue. My DH and I, though we argue rarely, argue most often about....the kids... how we are dealing with the kids...who did the wrong thing regarding the kids...the ex-spouse of one or the other and how we are dealing with them...etc.

The kid issues would, on the majority, be occurring if they were step or bio, because kids just aren't usually that complicated. It's all the adult issues that complicate the relationships and the kids are just little magnifying glasses.

"The kid issues would, on the majority, be occurring if they were step or bio, because kids just aren't usually that complicated. It's all the adult issues that complicate the relationships and the kids are just little magnifying glasses."

well said.

I would marry DH again. DH is not the problem - we have our normal ups and down in marriage - but their worth working through. Our kids are not the problem (My daughter and His daughter). They are normal kids who do normal kid things. Both are good kids on most days and are respectful.

Our issue is the attacks and non-sense from the BM. But we have decided not to allow her into our marital space or emotions. We don't sit around and discuss her anymore, We don't allow her the emotional space in our marriage where she can even disrupt anything.

We are what is most important in our marriage, we vowed committment to each other and will put the time and effort into our marriage and kids. Not going to allow her the room or space to disrupt any of that anymore.

It took a while to come to that conclusion but we feel she has been put in her place. she is his daughter's mom (nothing more or less than that) and she is respected as such. But when it comes to our home and our marriage - we put us and our children first - as it should be.

It took us having a real heart to heart talk and realize that we were allowing her space emotionally in our marriage that she did not deserve. So we put each other first and our kids first and do not pay attention to the foolishness.

It has worked out so far.... So yes i would remarry him and i love his daughter as well. If we had not decided to put our vow and committment first and keep the drama in the forefront - then my answer may have been a little different.

Silver, I agree some issues would be present skids or bio, younger age for sure.. If a birth dad ignored, didnt provide or interact with a minor Skid, that would be a big problem for me.. My perspective is problems with an adult step..I cant be the only SM with a Skid estranged from DH, and I truly dont feel he did one thing to deserve it..I dont think its fair to say, if skid detaches from dad , its always DHs fault..I ve seen the visitation effort, the letter of the law CS followed, Gifts, Full ride college,the worry about Skids happiness and well being..What I dont see is why the skid just cant be in contact, DH alone if thats what he wants, OK with me, he has never been treated unkindly by me, never dissed BM to him EVER. He has been refused money he wanted, that DH couldnt afford to give him, and off he went , blaming me for the refusal I m sure. What do you do in a situation like that? I cant solve it..Fine and Slyvia, would like your take on this particular situation too....

I meant it is never the kids fault when parents do not see them and aren't involved in their lives. it is parent's fault, everything else is an excuse. I was not talking about general behavior of children that could be good or bad. i meant uninvolved parents should only blame themselves. I have met couple of men in my life who weren't seeing their children and they of course had bunch of excuses why, but i don't care, i never wanted to see these men again.

Dotz,

A father can provide as the court orders, and a child can still resent that his/her family has been uprooted. Dad and SM can choose to ignore that hurt.

Dad wanted to stay intact family, mom choose to uproot...Not This SMs problem if BM wanted to destroy family I. DIDNT. DO.IT...Not ignoring hurt, just didnt CAUSE IT.....

dotz i agree that sometimes if there are 2-3 or more children one of them becomes estranged not due to parents' fault like maybe has mental issues, or is a criminal or just simply not a good person. But all of them? simply cannot be the issue, strange coinsidence. I also do not think that relationship between children and parents is about child support. My DD doesn't care if dad paid CS and how much- it was between him and me, nothing to do wiht the child. Some parents are poor and cannot provide much yet they are good parents. CS, visitations or college tuition has nothing to do with a relationship. It takes more than paying CS.

Hi Dotz. I don't know how to answer you. Relationships are complicated enough when I'm one of the two in the relationship (parent/child, spouse/spouse, child/parent, etc.) but being on the "outside" as a SM with biodad/child on one side, and Sdad/child on another side... I just can't hope to ever understand those relationships completely, let alone what may have happened between your dh's kid and him to make their relationship less than ideal.

People take out their anger on those they think will still love them despite the issues. Hopefully your skid will realize that dad means more than money and they can have a relationship beyond that later. I think, in my situation, where bio-mom keeps sd from us (by not contacting, etc), we will probably have a tough row to hoe coming up here soon as she becomes a teenager with angst. But, if her parents didn't have issues, the issues with her would be lessened. It's due to the parents setting up expectations that makes the kids resentful. My SD expects to be driven around in posh cars and going to outrageously expensive schools and if her dad doesn't contribute to the lifestyle BM has set up she is resentful. We prefer to place value on good manners, wholesome activities, enjoying being a kid instead of designer outfits for 9 year olds...Oh well... we simply don't have the same values. Having to straddle both value systems is difficult for children.

And, outsiders, without all the little cobwebs floating around of past conversations/hurts/angers, can see any situation a lot clearer than the participants. As Sm's, we will never fully understand the nuances.

Sooooo... my response Dotz, is just be as supportive of your DH as you can while he goes through this stage with his son. In my experience, my Ex and I have issues my DH could never understand, and my DH loves me, so automatically my Ex is the bad guy... and he hates his Ex, but I do my damnedest not to internalize that. I channel Switzerland. I attempt neutrality. I try to look at all sides, and I try to do it with love. It's far too complicated to figure out their issues. So I'm a cheerleader. Go (broken and taped back together) family of mine!!! win win win!

Silver LOL Channeling Switzerland right now!! Have always tried to stay out of DH /SS issues, but the issue is money, and I hate to be the goat, him thinking I control what DH does or does not give him, not my decision..Why cant THEY just hash it out and leave me out of it....Fine, My DH does have 2 children, and has a great relationship with one( I do too).Example of the difference between the two SSs..Dad sick, no longer able to work..Meets ss for lunch, and tells him..First word out of his mouth, Dad, Are you going to be OK?... SS 2, who has not called in over 2 years was given the same info as a courtesy by email, Inquiring as to SSs health and happiness , told of DHs illness and inabilty to work (signed , love Dad)I know, DH asked me to proofread...No reply.....Heartbreaking..And no SS is not a criminal, He is degreed, has a great career, owns his own home and new car, and is a pillar in his church..When he asked for money, he did not need it, he just wanted it(less for ME?)Not to be too specific, but he asked for this after DH got out of hospital, he didnt work for 7 months after..First DAY of of seven of that hospital stay was 89,000!!!! Of which we were responsible for 20%, DH has had 3 hospital stays since then...All very costly.With CS being kept currant thru all this with no income coming in..Is SS mentally ill? Or just greedy?

Ever hear of Goofus and Gallant? Sounds like your ss have completely different personality types. We all have different trials to go through. Don't take it personal if you can help it. I know it hurts you to see your DH be treated like that. Concentrate on helping him deal with his feelings with his son if you can. Be like the duck, and let it roll off your back. A Swiss Duck, if you will ;)

dotz, that's understandable that one son is messed up, he clearly is. the other son is fine, that happens. What a miserable situation. Luckily the other son is fine and involved wiht dad. i just don't get it when people have many children and all of them are messed up, hard to believe in those cases.

by the way, silverwoods, i do not understand how is it one parent keeps kids from the other, one cannot legally do that. it could be reenforced in court if it trully happens. it is violation of court decree. plus what does it mean "keep kids from dad by not contacting?" I think it is the other way around, dad has to contact his kid. isn't? i was custodial parent but never had to call X and never call now. he did/does the contacting.

I think that the stats are pretty scary.... and technically I am not yet married, but we do have a blended family. My boyfriend has two children from his first marriage (a boy age 6 and a girl age 5); we have been living together for over three years now.

I believe that our relationship is worth it and the kids benifit in so many ways; especially since we have a pretty good relationship with my boyfriend's ex and her partner.

I don't have any kids of my own (yet...), but I love my two step-children as if they were my own (sometimes maybe a little too much; I sometimes feel sad to be left out of certain things like helping out at school as a parent volunteer and stuff like that; but I do realize that it is not my place and I don't overstep the boundaries).

So yeah I do believe that I have made the right choice; which isn't to say that we don't ever go through rough patches, but at the end of the day I am happier here in my blended family then I would be anywhere else.

As for how to 'build' a family... we take it one day at a time, keep communication open as much as possible and I read books of strengthening relations, building strong blended-families, etc... and we all do the best we can.

No I would never ever go through this crap again I have been worn down and made to feel like I am worthless by a child! and it has taught me a hard lesson in life
DONT GET INVOLVED WITH OTHER PEOPLES BAGGAGE!
I never ever expected this how stupid was I?

Gerina,

your message really spoke to me. Our stepfamily works pretty well, but for DH's crazy ex. She seems to be getting worse as well and it sounds much like your situation. Lurking around, crazy phone calls etc. etc. It's creepy.

When you said "it bleeds into our house", I almost cried. The stepkids will be fine until she calls, then they melt down or pull a crazy stunt (like stealing). It's like her craziness is contagious.