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Can you stand another report

Posted by ulrike1 (My Page) on
Tue, Oct 27, 09 at 13:07

Oh my goodness, it is so wonderful to have found you ladies! Normally I would just shake my head about this latest thing, but since there is a group of great stepmoms out there, I'm going to indulge myself in another vent.

So today is the music event DH and BM are attending, and I am at a conference many time zones away. The first DH and I can connect in this location is during my midday break. So, he called me a little while ago at the pre-arranged time. I could tell he was in the car.

So, we were talking about the conference and this that and the other--and throughout our conversation, BM was commenting to DH on completely unrelated items! At one point she says something like "Oh, look at the leaves, campus is so beautiful this time of year." And then something about "this is where we are supposed to meet for lunch." And "I hope SD knows where to meet us."

What part of bluetooth headset doesn't she understand? Why on earth would she do that?

I got off the call as quickly as I could. I sure hope when DH and I talk tonight that he will mention it!

Of course, I feel better already, having "shared" this episode with you ladies. Maybe I won't feel like I need to bring it up with DH at all.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Can you stand another report

Don't bring it up. He's probably irritated enough already. Of course, it's rude to talk to a person while they are on the phone. Your DH probably should have 1. not called you while she was in the room (and since in the car, perhaps should have pulled over for a few minutes and removed himself) or 2. said "excuse me" to you and then reminded his ex that he was on the phone "I'm on the phone, could you excuse me a moment, I'm having a hard time hearing my wife". But mostly I would think that men just power through situations.

My DD will try to talk to me when I'm on the phone, and I just have to lift one finger to let her know "In one minute" or "Shhhhh". She gets it. And she's 7.

Breathe. Ex is showing her immaturity. Let her. She's probably not even aware of exactly what she is doing.

RE: Can you stand another report

"Breathe. Ex is showing her immaturity. Let her. She's probably not even aware of exactly what she is doing."


I had outpatient surgery last week (laparscopy) and BM found out about it. She called DH that day to say she neeeded to take her DD to the dr. and might need DH to pick SS up from soccer, and then she'd meet them somewhere to get SS---it was her weekend.

DH told her he couldn't and she must have pushed the issue b/c he finally said "love is having surgery this afternoon."

I was released from the surg. center about 4 pm and I kid you not---from then until about 8 pm, BM called about EIGHT TIMES.

It was INSANE.

First she called when we were leaving the surg. center---she wanted DH to give her directions to the Shop N Save close to our house, since she had just left soccer practice w/SS.

Then ten mins later she called again--she was "lost."

Then she called about ten mins after THAT. SS had gotten his pants wet at soccer practice and BM wanted to know if they could come by our house to get pants for him?? DH said no, we weren't even home.

Then she called back a few mins later AGAIN wanting to know why SS had only one shin guard on????

At this point, DH got exasperated and turned his ringer off. She NEVER calls this excessantly.

Both DH and I know it had some wacky thing to do with me--she cannot stand the thought of DH being with me, or taking care of me---who knows---we cannot quite put our finger on it, but it's some weird jealousy thing.

Anyway, DH went by the movie store w/me and then ran into Walgreens to get me some soda--by the time we got home, and settled, she had called several more times, but never left a message.


DH just kept his ringer off the rest of the night, and then called SS at bedtime.

Sorry to hijack! :)

Thanks, Silversword

Breathing, breathing. :)

Yuck, I know he should have called some other time. But my schedule today made that the only window we had during the day.

It occurs to me that when he calls tonight she will be there also, since where I am I will go to bed much earlier than he will. Maybe I will text and suggest he sneak into a rest area, ha.

But no, I really don't want to say anything. If it doesn't seem significant to him, I don't want to be the second irritating wife he has to deal with today. ;)

Wow, Lovehadley!

That is extreme! Not hijacking at all, it is so good to hear that someone has it worse than I do. (Ha, that didn't come out right.) It does indeed sound like BM can't stand the thought of your DH caring for you.

One thing we have noticed about our BM is that when we are on vacation she wants to make her presence known at a higher rate. I'm not sure why that would be. Especially if it is a place where she and DH travelled while they were married, she will call on some small pretense and then ask questions about what we are doing, and then share some nostalgic thoughts. Must say it has put a damper on some romantic moments!;)

It's hard because DH would like to turn off his phone entirely sometimes, but we want the kids to be able to reach us. Last vacation we tried having all the kids use my phone if they needed us; no kids did call but BM called on my phone and asked for DH so that didn't work very well.

RE: Can you stand another report

Oh Love!!! What a nightmare. And Ulrike, I can imagine that spoiling some romance! Esp. if the indication is, we've been there, we've done that... did you check out the hot tub yet, because when we went it was sooooo romantic! LOL.

My DH's ex does that when SD is here. She calls EVERY HOUR. For what? I don't know. And then she has SD ask DH about so and so or such and such that only they would know about. I am irritated only by the fact that we can't really enjoy SD because she has one foot back in la-la mommy land. And she can't enjoy her time because (I think) she feels she will be betraying mom.

I honestly could care less that they had a relationship or that they did things together. I did things too. With my Ex. And so what?! I did things with ex-boyfriends too! My DH was not my first lover, obviously, so I must have done a lot without him. Like go through a three day labor to have my daughter. Those things can never be changed. But my today and tomorrow are what I'm looking toward. Everything else is just for me to make as interesting as possible, a snapshot in time, for my DD to hold on to about her parents. All of that is for DD now. I have no need for it.

When Ex calls for DD, I get on the phone too. I tell him about her life. We laugh together sometimes. We try not to fight. I try to do it when DH is not around so he doesn't have to listen to it. I encourage my DD to develop a relationship with everyone in her life. Even if they will not be there forever, it's good practice.

RE: Can you stand another report

"Breathe. Ex is showing her immaturity. Let her. She's probably not even aware of exactly what she is doing."

I think alot of times people don't realize it is rude to talk to others while someone is on the phone. My DH does it to me and my BD and SD do it as well. My sister does it..... alot of folks do it.

Next time i would mention to him it is a little hard to hear or talk with him with others around are being rude and inconsiderate. Or he can find a time where he is not going to be "harrassed - LOL" when trying to talk to his wife. That's what i tell my daughter - she is harrassing my ears - when i am already in a conversation and she just barges in.

Lovehadely - BM was just being plain out rude. Geez! I guess she didn't want DH to focus on his wife at that time. Hope you are recovering well. I had surgery for endo back in 2005 - started out as laproscopic but ended up being a laparotomy for stage 4 endo and an endomitrioma. After they removed the damaged tube and ovary - and lasered everything in site almost.... it worked.. i have been pain free and symptom free for 4 years now. I hope it works out the same for you.

Calling the SKs

Silversword, that's another issue--how often BM has called the SDs over the years. Our thought has always been that when they are with BM, we should for the most part let their focus be that house. And we've always let the SDs themselves do most of the calling, which has worked out well. If they want to talk about something, they call us.

BM, though, called quite often when they were with us, and often hourly. And kept them on the phone for a long time. I still remember being at a climbing wall and SD was longing to take her turn but couldn't because she didn't want to hurt BM's feelings. And family trips with DH's and my nieces and nephews where all the kids were having a good time but one of the SDs had to be dutifully reporting to BM at length, standing off to the side.

I'm a mom too and I know it is tempting to have a nursery monitor on the kids all the time, ha. But the realities of shared custody caused me to honor my ex's time with our kids by letting the focus be on him when they were with him.

Things got better, though. Weirdly enough, when we got cell phones for SDs, BM called less. We realized that most of the phone calls came when she knew we were there.

I really, really want to give BM the benefit of the doubt. I think she wants to be part of our family because she sees us all as a large, extended family. I do too, but not as nuclear as she does, I think.

Turned off my phone

An update: DH didn't call during the evening last night. Probably because he thought BM would babble through the call again. Still, a short call would have been nice. Then it was time for me to sleep so I turned off the phone. He left a message but I haven't returned it. I think I will wait until I feel a little more serene, ha.

RE: Can you stand another report

I know personally, as a mother, I have separation issues. Like, where does my life end and my daughter's begin? I think it is all too easy to see them as little extensions of ourselves. I really try to consider that she is her own person, and making her own relationships independent of me and mine, and should not be affected by my history with those people.

So, when she is with her dad, I do not call. I know that he will have her call and she is able to call me anytime she likes. When she is with her grandparents, same thing. Her dad calls her, but she lives with me, so that is their primary contact, and he is really good about calling back if we are in the middle of something.

Honestly, I consider my phone to be for my convenience, not for the convenience of others. Turn the darned thing off. We're too available as it is anyway.

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