You all are so right, thank you for the advice, especially the cash offer. Yes I was thinking of waving thousands in front of his face (by selling my car and buying another one) just to get him to go, because money and drugs is all that matters to this man. He cares nothing for his parents, him self, and above all, his daughter. She has been a burden on him since day 1. However, after reading these posts, I see what you mean, he may take it as a payoff, which could backfire on me. Maui: I do NOT have full legal custody. In our decree it states I have "sole physical custody", meaning, DD will always LIVE with me in MY home. Then it states "joint legal custody", which goes onto state that the father will have a 50/50 say in her health care (even tho it states he will never, ever have to pay for ANY medical treatments or insurance coverage), her schooling (even tho it states he will never have to help with school fees) and "general upbringing". I do not want to keep DD from her paternal grandparents. I have VERY fond memories of MY paternal grandparents... my father was "there" but completely, totally uninterested in me (he still is and doesn't like us coming around). My dad's parents were my best friends... much like DD's paternal g-parents. I would never dream of denying her a love like that. Tami ... I cannot qualify for public assistance, no way in lleh!!! I make over $40k a year (NO college degree... just tenacity, ambition, and I LOVE TO WORK!), I own my own home, etc. To give all that up just to do this, would be ludicrous. Trust me I have thought about what it would be like to STOOP to his level; to not wanna work, to live either with my parents or in some crappy subsidized housing somewhere, and the thought makes me ill. DD and I have a great life and a very nice home, and when I accepted WIC for the first year of her life (I had to... her father moved out and I was left with a SLEW of his bills, and to keep my credit A+, I had to pay them so it left me kinda broke) I felt awful when I cashed in those vouchers. This is terrible but when I'd use those WIC vouchers, I would get trashy looks from the gals at the grocery. I was not some welfare-mom who was toting 9 kids and didn't know what birth control was, yet I got the looks. When my salary rose up and WIC was cancelled, I was relieved. Talley Sue (thanks for your long response btw): You aren't the first to call me "dense and worried" over this. I swear when he tried to take her last year it was the worst weekend of my life. I spent two days vomiting I was so upset over what "almost" happened. I KNOW I just need to do what I can do, meaning, keep up on the Child Support summons, and make sure his parents are "watching him", even tho they said they won't interfere with his "problems" any more... but I cannot help but to be worried. He doesn't have the stability to follow through on the idea of removing my custody or "legally" removing DD from me... but his parents are SO behind him and think I'm the anti-christ for keeping tabs on him. They used to really respect me and his mother was very friendly, but since his release from prison in October (during this free time he managed to knock up his second wife, who is a 20 year old girl with two kids by two different fathers...), they have been at odds with me. I pray every night that he does himself in. I know that is bad, to wish that upon someone, but I'd rather it be him then my DD or his parents or someone else. He is the one who deserves to worry and suffer... not DD or anyone else. Yer right Talley Sue, he will always be around, I fear. I know he wants to leave KY and he wants his 'freedom' away from everyone here who has 'harmed' him, but he cannot make it in this world without his mother's support. At least DD and I are very close. I make sure of that. Among all the disciplining and rules I set in my house, we have a very strong love and she listens to me like you'd not believe. I hope in time she will see just what her father is... do you think she WILL? As a teenager, or as an adult? Or even when she gets into grade school??? - darkeyedgirl

Thanks for all your kind words everyone. Mattie I'd like to say you can drop your DH off anytime when you need a break, but I really don't think it's my place to make that decision so just check with BM ok? ;-) I checked for the Alanon but there's none in our town, only 2 hours drive away. FDH has kept the message that BM sent, in case we need it later on. I've talked to FDH about trying to get the court order changed and ask for full custody, to make it official. He thinks it's better to wait and see if SD is actually going to stay with us first. The most important thing is that she's with us now. He's not that worried about the custody issue because he really doesn't believe it makes any difference. Even if we were to get it, nothing stops the kids from going back to BM's when they choose to do so. They're old enough to make that decision. Even when they were only 10 and 12 the court already determined the girls should be able to choose where they want to stay, hence the flexible order. Also, trying to force SD13 to come live with us will not work, she would NOT come and stay with us. At least now she's coming EOW which is better then nothing. SD14 has figured out what is what, we are hoping SD13 will do the same. Forcing the issue will push her away, but being supportive will hopefully draw her closer. So SD13 is still with BM, she's feeling the pressure now and recently tweeted that she feels she can't do anything right. Of course she hasn't been going to school again this week. We are still waiting for a reply from the principle to FDH's letter. This Friday it will be 2 weeks since he got it (I would expect a response within 2 weeks, that's reasonable right?). I guess FDH will have to ring him and follow up if he doesn't get a response. SD14 has been adjusting really well at our place. She's in a routine now and it's only been 2 weeks, I'm so proud of her. She goes to school, she does a couple of shifts every week at the Fast Food Place, she's going to bed on time, she gets up early, eats breakfast now (that was a hard one :-) and she's started doing her homework, even without us telling her to do so! Wow, that's so impressive isn't it?! She's missing her mum and siblings, but she's also still angry at mum for kicking her out (BM really lost it that day and did some nasty things to SD). She would like to go back but she wants her mum to call her first. This will be a long wait. BM will never call her first, she CANNOT ring. She's already given SD13 a note to give to SD14 at school, but the note only said something about a message that SD's boss left with BM and "I love you sweetheart". This is BM's way of saying "Please come home and I'm sorry" but without saying it of course. And SD knows it and doesn't think it's good enough. She really wants her mum to call her so they can talk about it. But BM cannot talk about things, only deny and pretend it's all good again, till next time.. So I'm not sure what will happen next, but I think it's what JNM said: "I wouldn't be surprised if this has blown over in a week and nothing more is said. Then in 6 months it will happen again. Lather, rinse, repeat." We have had a few conversations with SD14 to get her to think about making a decision for herself, for her own good. To live with us and spend f.e. weekends at BM, so she can stay in a routine. Instead of going back and forth like she has been. We try not to pressure her, but at the same time we do not plan on becoming the 'dumping ground' either. I'm thinking SD14 will make the right decision.

Sylvia- "No. She couldn't." You don't know her. You haven't seen her action. You haven't witnessed her get it together when it's something she WANTS to accomplish. You don't even know a small fraction of the story therefore it isn't your place to say what decisions she could have made. When she was in rehab for two months she could of stayed there rather than run off with her BF to get high. Daisy- "Doodledoo, if you would never leave your children with someone who is on lithium, however stable they may seem, I can understand why you'd feel that way. If I had lived through all you've lived through, I would feel the same." Thank you so much for understanding that a person who witmesses a worst case scenario probably isn't going to be likely to take chances. Even if the percentage is low on the risk factor scale once you have been part of that percentage you probably arn't going to be convinced by others who haven't personally experienced the situation. Based on this scenario I would never let my daughter be taken care of a person who has a known mental illness. It's my perogative. I appreciate how you can see why I would feel that way after what we have gone through with BM. Thank you. PJB- "I would like to know where this info came from regarding 'people on lithium' not being allowed to work with children, teach etc." I know this because I work in this field and that is one of the questions you get asked. They want to know if you have any sickness or injury that will prevent you from doing the job (back injuries, Epilepsy and the like) and they specifically ask if you or family members have a history of mental illness. Then they want to know what medications you are on. I have been through that process five times since I was 16 for Daycare center jobs and currently for a Early Learning Coalition position. They also do extensive background checks. They are covering themselves. People with epilepsy and back injuries could drop a child. Mental illness could cause highs and lows or make a person less tolerant to children depending on the diagnoses and the severity. Certain Meds prescribed for mental illnesses can also cause sluggishness/drowsiness which is no good when you have babies in your care. As for the Millitary I had a boyfriend in high school who had some form of MI and he was on some popular drug for depression. It may have been Prozac? I don't remember...anyway long story short, they asked him the same questions I was aked when he was trying to join the Army. When they asked about the history of MI and found out he was diagnosed and on the medication they turned him down. He couldn't join. Too much of a liability. They flat out told him it was because of his condition. Love- "Doodle and J are doing the right thing and the ONLY thing they can do, anyway--protecting the girls." Thank you Love. We don't doubt for a nano second they we are making the wrong decision here. For the record to all of you who think I am so horrible to BM, I have obtained another application to the House Of Hope and explained her situation to the ladies there in hope to get BM bumped to a priority spot. BM claims she will go if I can get her in and as aggravated as I am with her I am doing my damndest to get her accepted for her own sake and the girls. I am such a vindictive,venemous,mean person, Yes?

I do think, FD, that he is still afraid of her wrath and what happens when she is angered. If he had said no to getting her a car---for whatever reason---she would have been mad and DH hates a confrontation. But see--that is an issue, too. He won't fight with HER but he has no prob. causing issues with ME. Why? Because he knows---at the end of the day---I will *shut up and put up.* These issues, one by one, aren't worth wrecking our marriage over, BUT when they all add up, it becomes a larger problem. That's what we really need to address in counseling. As far as him thinking he was doing me a favor--see, that bugs me too. I had ALREADY discussed the issue with him and said that I would be "on call" to get SS (if BM couldn't, due to lack of car) on Mondays and DH would need to take Tuesdays and every other Friday. I told him I 100% was NOT going to cover for her any more than that, and if HE wanted to be her "call-a-ride" HE could. But that I was not going to do it. He said FINE, I understand, don't blame you, I will not ask you to cover for her, etc. And then a week later tells me he got her the car to take the pressure off me so I would not have to be on call for picking up SS? BUT--I had already made my stance clear and thought he agreed---so it was like, at the back of his head, he was already *expecting* me to be on call for BM, DESPITE what he had said. Does that make sense? I often feel like he just tells me what I want to hear. It's really frustrating b/c I can never...well...trust him. As far as the "smokes"...ughh...she is just so...I don't know. Really, I look at her and the way she looks, talks, acts, lives, and think WHAT was my DH thinking??? She is so awful with boundaries, and DH plays right into it. Thank goodness he didn't get her any---he would not do that, he hates cigarettes, but I thought it was so ballsy/strange that she would even ask him! HA. DH told me when he dropped the van off at her house the other day, it was almost on empty (LOL) and BM turned to her DH and said "I need some gas money" and he started telling her all he had was $15 to last until next week, and she said "too bad, I need it for gas!" I'm sure that will be the next thing--the gas $$ problem--although she did make it all through last school year without a problem. But that was before they had ANOTHER baby. So we'll see. I feel sorry for HER hubby's parents and their frozen savings account.