Rude stepdaughter
laVerneMaynard7
11 years ago
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sylviatexas1
11 years agoreadinglady
11 years agoRelated Discussions
detached, but how to cope with rude 'silence'?
Comments (11)Sometimes when my skids call the house when they are with their mother, they're out of control and ridiculously silly. She is a very loose parent and allows her children to get wild then wonders why they can't calm down or listen when she says it's time for bed. We'll get to the phone and they will make silly noises, scream or just not have a normal conversation. It goes against our opinion on how children should be raised. Etiquette is huge with us. So one day when the skids were here I told them that it bothers Daddy and I that they do that....and it is disrespectful and from now on when it happens, we're just going to hang up. Sure enough when they got back to Bio-Mom's they got on the phone and were a thousand times worse with the behavior....so I hung up. The phone rang back and it was SS. He was mad that we hung up. I explained why I did it....told him it was not very nice and that his actions didn't make me feel like he wanted to talk...so why should I talk? He stayed upset.... When he came back with us, we talked about it so that he would understand it wasn't because we didn't love him or want to talk with him. He got it..... And it never happened again. In this case, my fiance supported me 100%....And any time the kids have ever said anything off color he was on them for it immediately. Your husband is being unfair....however, he probably doesn't know what the hell to do. He's caught in the middle of his woman and his daughter-a tough place to be. And no doubt, he feels guilty...every man does on some level and that makes it hard. I know my fiance dealt with that early on-the feeling of failing his children and not giving them the "life" that children deserve. I know he is over that, but it will never truly be gone. Part of that is normal....but what is abnormal is when the person is so caught up in their own problem with things that they cannot see that someone is being mistreated. The first step is to try and work that out with him. Counseling was a lifesaver for D and I.... The tendency is for each person to protect themselves and their interests...for a divorced man with children, he protects himself and the kids... D couldn't see past himself and listen to me. The therapist was a third party who could agree or disagree which allowed him to be more open-minded hearing it from someone else. Some men are not open to seeing a therapist....some men can't change.... If you love him and truly want to be with him, but know that you cannot change his way of handling things, then you definitely have EVERY right to take matters into your own hands. And you have the right to do it ANY way you would like. If I were in your shoes and I knew it was pointless to have my husband see it my way, when I see the caller ID and it's SD, I would answer...ALWAYS!!!!! Always be the one to answer-she needs to get used to that. If there is silence, say, "SD, I know it is you, I have caller ID, I find what you are doing to be rude and disrespectful, if you are having a problem, I'm here to talk about it and want to have a better relationship with you...however if you cannot show me the respect I deserve when you call by having proper phone manners, I'm going to have to hang up on you...I will not tolerate that." If she says nothing, hang up. If she calls back and does it again, hang up. And if she keeps doing it, hang up. Hang up on her every freakin time...and if her father gives you a hard time about it, hang up on him too.......or walk away if he's at home. If he takes issue with it, tell him, "you haven't supported me, so I had no choice." I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your husband...are you happy??? Do you get along? Do you ever talk about the way his children treat you? Anyway, please realize you have every RIGHT to feel this way and to do something about it. I think you also have to understand how the children feel...but it's a two way street...and they are old enough that respect and consideration should be expected!!!!!!!...See MoreAdult stepdaughter week
Comments (20)laVerne, you might want to start your own new thread. What you've posted is rather a new topic all of it's own and may get over looked at the bottom of Thurman's repetitious complaints. As I did see your post, I'll hand out my 2 cents. IMO your husband is allowing this adult woman to run right over both himself and you. When's he going to stand up for himself and say 'enough'? Sure, every grandparent wants to see their grandchildren and be a part of their life, but most of them don't sale their soul to the devil to do so. Your husband (and you) are being emotionally blackmailed by a immature spoiled rotten little girl who has failed to grow-up and function in the adult world. My best advice is that husband sits down with his daughter and has a long serious discussion. Just the two of them. They either work it work, adult to adult, or daughter can run pout in a corner and play victim. It's her and her children's loss if she chooses to cut Daddy out of her life over a temper tantrum over babysitting. In the meantime, stop inviting them over weekly for dinner. Toss out a sincere invitation like every 4 to 6 weeks. If they say 'yes' and don't show, pre-plan for it. Choose a menu that does not knock you out and that can be put into small portions and frozen for husband and you to pull out of freezer on evenings you don't feel like cooking. That way all your work does not go wasted and actually turns into a postive for you. Or just stop inviting them...that's a decision you'll have to make on your own. As for babysitting, find something to do such as volunteer time a few days a week so husband and you are not so available. I love to have my grandkids and I did babysit fulltime 11 yrs ago when my first grandson was born. With that said, it was 11 yrs ago. I'm not in a time and place in my life currently that I would offer to do it again for a next baby. My youngest son and future DIL have long been told that. When they start their family, yes, I'll love being a part of baby's life and having him/her over a day and/or night a week or so, but I will not be a fulltime sitter and not expect me to be. Son has been informed now so he and future DIL can plan their family and finances accordingly....See Morestepdaughter resents me
Comments (10)Welcome to MY life.... "i have a 9 year old stepdaughter who is very disrespectful to me. over the past 4 months she has said horrible lies about me" My SD is also 9. Over the last year, she's told lies about me. The worse lie is that I hit her. Her mom gives her lots of attention to these lies. She continues to do it, because she gets attention. Her mom called CPS & since the CPS worker talked to her, she's had a completely different attitude. She even told me she isn't going to lie anymore because she's tired of getting in trouble. It's very frustrating to have someone saying horrible things about you and worse when they want you to be nice to them. My SD lives with me full time and tells her mom these lies on her weekend visits and comes back expecting me to kiss her boo boo's and do things for her. It's getting better right now, but it's an ongoing battle. "she has said mean things about me to my friends, and she will not listen to me when i tell her to do something. its seems that she gets worse everytime she comes over (which is every other weekend). i have done everything i can think of ranging from.... spending alone time with her shopping, taking her to the fair, letting her help me cook, letting her dress our 6 month old baby." If I were you, I would not do anything for her when she acts that way. When she is being nice, then do something nice for her. If she is being nasty, tell her to ask her dad. "i know that she is jealous and i understand that. i really feel that she resents me for marrying her father even though she says she doesnt. one minute she says she loves me and wishes that i was her real mother, and the next minute she is sarcastic and hateful to me on the drop of a dime! when i ask her why she does this she says she doesnt know. my husband and i have sat her down and told her that we love her and just because we have a baby wont change that." She probably is jealous. She's got a new stepmom, losing dad's attention. She's got a new baby to compete for dads attention now too. Baby is six months old, this has been going on for four months. Perhaps she was okay with the baby but now she's realizing the baby is taking dad's attention. Maybe her mom (or someone else) has said something about dad spending time on the baby. She probably does want to get along but has conflicting feelings. She may also be trying to manipulate and getting upset if it doesn't work. My SD will be lovey dovey with me and I tell her to do something or give her an answer she doesn't want, and boom, right back to not liking me. They might get upset with their parents but forgive & forget.. but a SM is not the parent and she tends to remember every incident where I do something she doesn't like. "she says sarcastic comments to me so that my husband wont hear and then when i tell him what she said it doesnt seem to bother him very much. he thinks that because she is only 9 it isnt a huge deal. he yells at her when she treats me like this but i dont feel that he has properly handled the situation. i love her and wish we had a good relashonship! i dont know what else to do, i treat her very good and am tired of her treating me like this! she is driving a wedge between my husband and i that my husband doesnt seem to even notice. my husband and i fight all of the time about this and it gets us no where. i feel that he isnt sticking up for me like he should be." This is the most worrisome part of you post. You and your husband should be a team. Not just for your baby but both kids. He is not doing his daughter any favors by siding with her. He is also not being consistent by yelling at her and then being upset with you. I'm sure he feels stuck in the middle and the guilt makes him want to please his daughter and he yells at the daughter because her behavior upsets you and he wants all his girls to be happy. I really think it's wrong to say the daughter is driving a wedge between you and him. HE is responsible for the wedge if there's one. The daughter is a child that has been through a divorce, dad's remarriage, and now a new baby... none of which she asked for most likely. Dad needs to do more than tell her nothing is going to change how he feels about her. He needs to show her how important she is to him. My SD asked my DH to give her a nickname... like 'princess' or 'pumpkin', or some other endearment that is special to her. Your DH needs to take some time on his weekends to spend one on one time with her, even if it's washing the car or raking leaves. But, he does need to be a team with you and be the parent, not a referee. "i dont want our daughter growing up around that kind of influance. she has destroyed every relashonship that her mother has been in and i sometimes think she wants me out of the picture thinking that her parents will get back together. (even though my husband told her that will never happen)she acts like a helpless little baby to her "daddy" and acts like a resentful, selfish 9 yr old brat to me. short of telling my husband i dont want her around me for a while i am at a loss." Your hostility is understandable. You have a new baby and she's acting out. But, that's even more reason to back off and let her be alone more with her dad. Of course she may not want you there, she just might think she can get her parents back together. You are the obstacle to that ever happening and now, so is your baby. Again, she's a kid and if she has successfully ended her mom's relationships, she may think she's capable of controlling what the grown ups do because it's worked in the past. She gets daddy mad at you. She gets mommy's BF's to leave. The best thing you can do for your own sanity is to disengage and ignore her behavior. Personally, if she's only there every other weekend, I'd spend as much time away from her... go shopping or take the baby for a walk. Leave her to her dad for the next few weekends and give yourself a break from her. Maybe if she sees you aren't reacting or you don't care what she's doing, she will calm down. (she may also try different strategies.. my SD does that) But, it's only every other weekend. In the meantime, I'd also suggest parenting classes and talking to a therapist/counselor. I wouldn't drag her to the counselor just yet, maybe you and your husband could go and learn how to work as a team first. You could also discuss the issues with SD and get suggestions from the counselor on how to deal. Then, if it continues, you might take her and see if it helps....See MoreAfraid to Speak up to Rude Adult Stepdaughter
Comments (4)martienne, I do have experience as a step parent to a step daughter who had her first child when she was very young. In fact, she did admit to me just a while ago, that it took her an entire year to realize that she was now a mother. During that first year, she would drop the baby off at our house (her father's and I) and we sometimes didn't even know when she would come back. Dear hubby noticed this but of course would not say one single word about it to his daughter for fear that she would no longer bring the child to our house. He loves, just loves, his grand children and would be ready to do anything in this world for them and his own children. Thus, it is very hard for him to reprimand his children when they are at fault. One day ...i had enough. We had been taking care of the child since the saturday morning and it was sunday night supper time and we still didn't know where the mother was. DH was not a happy guy. I was frustrated. The next time, she dropped off the child, i left. I was gone for the entire day. Came back home late and left again the next morning. Who did she think we were? I left DH with the child. He found it hard. Funny it never happened again that she left the child so long at our house! I think for the first time it his life DH made his daughter aware that he was not very happy with her. So...how about you talk the situation over with hubby. Tell him that from now on if plans haven't been made for these children's visits, that he will be alone with them. Tell him you are not doing it out of hatered but out of respect, that yhou understand his love for his grand children, and that you love them too but you just can't afford to spend time around them when they are sick. Why doesn't he go and visit them at his daughter's house? As far as your step daughter is concerned, i wouldn't even mnetion a word to her about the situation cuz you know it will just become an argument and in the long wrong her father will side with her. Think about yourself, your health. Oh by the way, for a very, very long time, I did not answer the phone at home when i knew it was her calling. I let dear husband listen to her phone message himself. If your step daughter wants anything from your home that used to belong to her mother, just give it to her and be happy about the fact that she will be happy with these things. Don't worry about it. There is a good book someone suggested we read on this web site. It's call the Dance of Anger. It reallly helped me with my relationship with hubby and the rest of his children. Keep posting....See MorelaVerneMaynard7
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