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advice on dealing with teen/grown stepdaughters?

Posted by mswheat65 (My Page) on
Wed, Oct 30, 02 at 10:02

I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We have a daughter together who is 3 and I have a son who is 15. Husband has 5 other daughters. The oldest is not his biodaughter, but he raised her from an infant. Their ages are 25, 24, 23, 19, 17. From day one these girls have not wanted their dad to be with any other woman but their mom. Despite the fact that he left their mom 7 years before meeting me. He also never married their mom, so when he and I married they were furious. When I became pregnant with our daughter, the youngest who was 13 at the time, made 5-6 collect phone calls a day to my husband and wrote several letters to him about how she thought it was disgusting he was having a child with me. I would complain about the expensive phone calls only to hear him tell me they could call him collect at anytime. I was the one paying those phone bills though, not hubby. Hubby has a checkered past. He used to be a drug user and severe alcoholic, and he lived in the ghetto. He had been sober for 7 years when I first met him, and cleaned up his life. His ex was still and is still using both things though. From day one these kids of his were telling their dad, that their mom wanted him to call her, that she wanted him back. This is still going on 4 years later and it's been 10 years since he was last with her. So every time one of his kids gets in touch with him, their mother comes up. These girls all started having babies at around age 14. A new baby every year. Total grandkids=20. These girls do not take good care of these children nor do they want to raise them. They are constantly trying to give them away to the bio dads, who are not in the scene either. They punch their children, smack them, kick them, scream at them, and their homes are filthy pigstyes. These kids are dirty, hungry and very ill mannered. I feel so sorry for the little ones. My husband says to mind my own business, that his daughters raise their kids their own way, even though it's not my way. So, I say nothing anymore. These adult children of his are also very manipulating and disrespectful towards their dad and towards me and my children. They hate me, despite I have always been easy going and pleasant around them. I never say a word about their mother, although i would like too, when they say their mom wants my hubby to call her. I keep it all inside. I am starting to hate his kids, and think one more incident of them trying to break us up, I am filing for divorce. I don't know how to deal with these feelings and I find I am always angry at my husband. I know it's his kids I am really angry about. The way he deals with everything too. They call here and talk hateful to me on the phone and hang up on me, yet they want to come here for days on end to visit. He usually takes off and leaves me to entertain them. Which usually means spending endless money on them and their damn kids. They live on welfare, they go with drug dealing boyfriends, they refuse to work, so they stay pregnant and their mother is just as lazy. She has never worked. She is getting paid by her daughters for babysitting from our state. She gets 1200.00 dollars every two weeks for babysitting. Supposedly this is for the oldest daughter to work, but she never goes to work. She instead smokes her pot all day and drinks all night. I cannot believe the state of Michigan allows this. When I was a single mom, I worked 50 to 60 hours a week to make ends meet. The state never helped me. They in turn scam the government out of alot of money. This same daughter collects 600 dollars a month in food stamps which she ends up selling to buy her pot. There is never anything to eat in her house. Her house is nasty and dirty and the kids are dirty and walk around half dressed. They are so skinny you can see every rib bone in their backs. Yet my husband just adores these kids. He doesn't have a normal relationship with them at all. When he sees them every few months or so, it's like a major rush for him, because they are so hungry for a father in their lives. He never sticks up for me when they disrespect me either. They call here all the time and talk hateful to me, asking if he is home and then hanging up on me when I say no. The 19 year old was screaming at me back in July, saying I was not going to disrespect her dad, after he and I got into a huge arguement and he took off to their place two hours away. He stayed there for a month, stayed drunk every other night and they all thought he was going back to their mom, and I was totally out of the picture. I feel so all alone dealing with this mess. Some of my friends say to divorce husband, some say to try to work it out with his kids. I have tried for 4 years now, and frankly I do not care anything about his daughters. I don't want them in my life or my kids life. I don't live ghetto and don't want that in my life. Can someone help on how to make a smooth compromise? I know he needs them in his life and that is fine with me, not trying to seperate them from him at all, but at this point I dont' want to have a relationship with them at all or having their kids call me grandma, I don't feel like dealing with their b.s. anymore and all the games they play with their dad when they either want to break us up or they want money. Which we pay back child support of 120.00 bucks a week. Husband also didn't tell me he was 70 grand in the hole on his child support when we married. I found a document in the laundry from friend of the court which said how much he owed. My husband didn't tell me alot of things before we married. I am finding out all this stuff as the years go by. Like he doesn't really think 3 of these girls are bio his. He caught her in bed with other men around the time she would have concieved. They look nothing like husband, or my daughter or the other daughter he has in Canada. I truly believe they are not his kids. You can't even tell they are sisters, they look nothing like each other. There is not one thing in common with their looks. My husband is also very abusive at times, especially when it comes to his other kids. He said back in July he was going to smash my face in, over an argument we had over his kids disrespecting me. I was going to leave him, but he came back home and wanted to make things work. He gets drunk sometimes and disappears for hours in our only vehicle that my mom gave me. He lies about where he was only to tell me he had a blackout and doesn't remember where he was. He has not drank in a month, but I don't know how much longer that will last. When he is sober he is a great guy, but when he drinks he brings up the other kids and wants to argue with me and threaten divorce if I don't straighten up as he calls it. I am in a real mess. Does anyone else out there ever been through a mess like mine? I am starting to hate him and his horrible hooligan kids. By the way the 17 year old likes to rob and beat up old ladies on the street. It's hard for me to like people like that. Help! I need advice.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: advice on dealing with teen/grown stepdaughters?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that you must be a young woman married to an older man. You have tried to be supportive in every way and truthfully you've done more than I ever would do. The problem is not with the kids, but with your husband. I'll bet that if he told them that if they can't be civil to you to never call again, that they would straighten up quickly. No one can make the next decision for you. Can you continue to be married to a lying, disrespectful alcoholic? Do you want your child to grow up around these crazy,low life people? It is probably a frightening though to be alone raising a child. Only you can decide if you've given all you have to give and taken all that you can. Everyone has a breaking point. The day he went back home to his wife would have been the day I broke him.


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RE: advice on dealing with teen/grown stepdaughters?

Very short and sweet --

1) Why did you marry the guy in the first place if his grown kids and his ex (and HIM to a certain degree) are low life substance abusers who neglect their children and gleefully bilk the taxpayers for "freebies"?

2) Why are you STILL married to him???

3) What are you waiting for? Will it take him actually smashing your face in?

Do you really want a 3 yr old -- or worse yet -- your 15 year old, exposed to this garbage?

Get going, girl! Get outta there!


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RE: advice on dealing with teen/grown stepdaughters?

Get out of there now! Leave him! Run don't walk!

If you stay, you deserve everything you get!


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RE: advice on dealing with teen/grown stepdaughters?

Thanks for the advice, when we first married he was not a substance abuser and had been clean for 7 years, he was clean up until a few months ago, so most of our 4 years together he was sober and clean. He said he has quit drinking, I'm giving it one last shot.


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RE: advice on dealing with teen/grown stepdaughters?

Good luck to you both. Take care of yourself.


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RE: advice on dealing with teen/grown stepdaughters?

Hi,
How overwhelming your story is to me. It must be very painful for you to experience all of this. You don't feel safe, protected and cared for. Things seem out of control.

To help protect you, to help give you peace, and to help give you hope, is there a way for you to receive one-on-one counseling with a highly sensitive therapist? Therapy is a gift you can give to yourself.

In the meanwhile, learn about dignified techniques on how to protect your personal boundaries. For example, be sure to begin with eating and drinking well, exercising and resting enough, and remain mentally calm and clear about what you can control.

In time, you'll begin to relax, and to feel like you can move through your life, breathing freely and feeling safe.

Best Wishes


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