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BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Posted by shannon2356 (My Page) on
Tue, Oct 20, 09 at 9:12

Ok, here's the story...BM is leaving for a month long trip to Africa. Younger SD (she's 17) is staying at BM's house with older sibs (two girls, one 19 -"going on 35!!"- and the other is 24)for most of the time, but staying with us a few days in the week. BM set this up, she has known she is going on this trip since May but she only told us 3 weeks ago AND she told us WHEN we would have SD. It's hard, because with BM, it's very often not "can you do this or that", it's "you ARE doing this or that". It's "my way or the highway". It's not a request, it's an ORDER, if you know what I mean. So anyways, we only find out the "schedule" from BM in full on Sunday night, she leaves Tuesday and we have been asking to know what's happening for the past month, since we found out that she is actually going. BM has told us 3 other times now that she is "going to Africa" to start a farm so DH had a hard time even believing that she was going. We are happy to have SD here, she's the youngest and is ok for the most part, she tries at times to "manipulate" and she can be verbally abusive but since she is younger, we can manage it for short periods. Also, she has been going for therapy and that seems to be helping her, so that's good. Her older sisters are another story...anyways, ok, sorry this is long!!

So BM emails us the schedule and we email back because we are fine with SD coming here, etc..but now BM wants us to take SD back to her house every night at 10 pm to feed and walk the dog. I had asked BM when we first got news of her "trip" one month ago that she please find a dog sitter for when SD is with us, because we live 25 minutes away from her house. BM emails and calls us, and it is "expected" that we will "police her house so that the two older girls have no "company" over, no parties, no friends." We are like "whaaaattt??" DH and I don't feel that we should be responsible for the older two kids' time at her house. If they were with us,at our home, then sure, that's fine, but we are here to watch over SD, 17, not the house, the dog, the older kids'behavior!! We explain this to her, she throws a tantrum, calls my DH's work RELENTLESSLY until the secretary can't take it anymore and hands him the phone. In the past, BM has made claims she is "bipolar" but even all 3 SD's say that she is not, they feel that she "acts out" when she wants something or is not getting her way. Anyways, we had also sent her a paper via email to print out that is like a "medical waiver". Have any of you ever signed one of those or had one of those for your child? Like when your child goes on a field trip, you fill it out, in case of emergency? Well, I am a nurse and a Mom and a SM and I just felt it would be good to have, a copy signed by her for us, another copy for the two other SD's for when SD 17 is with them, and one more copy for SD17 to keep with her for when she stays with friends while BM is away. Well, more phone calls and emails and craziness because of that paper...She basically wrote to my DH in an email:
"I refuse to sign this, and will reply as such to your partner. If an emergency arises that SD17 would need medical care that would require your signature - it will be drastic enough of a situation that I should 1. be notified immidetly and that you and I will be the ONLY people making decisions in such a circumstances".

We tried to explain to her, that if BM is on a plane or at the airport or somewhere where there is no cell reception and God forbid, but if SD17 falls or gets hit by a bus, or whatever, and that we could not reach BM, we would just like the paper signed, for her daughter's safety. Is that unreasonable, because when we go away and leave the kids, we always leave a paper like this. It's just "in case". I guess by BM's wording, for her it's about "possessiveness" of "her child". In hindsight, BM has called them "HER children" for years, to DH and anyone else. He used to laugh and say, what does that make me then, the SPERM donor??!! So I guess that's why she is freaking out about a paper...?...But she is minimum 23 hours away by plane, 23 HOURS...sheesh...it was just for safety's sake, come on...it's so nuts...


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

BM sounds ridiculous. When sd is with you her sisters will be home to take care of the dog. I would not take an hour out of my day to take her home to walk dogs. BM planned this big trip without ASKING if you and dh would check up on the older girls and walk the dogs. Her fault! I would tell her that if she is worried about the dogs and parties then she needs to do two things:

1. Board the dogs at a kennell....if she can afford a trip to Africa I am sure boarding a dog is peanuts in comparison

2. She needs to either ask you guys to take all 3 girls till she returns or she needs to set down strict boundries for the older two and ask neighbors to call her if they see a party or such.

They are your hubbys kids....but bm can not tell him what to do. As for the medical release I think it is pretty shi**y and selfish on her part, but not much you can do.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

I guess I don't really understand exactly how custody works in this respect. I would have thought if he is her father, then he can give medical consent whether he's the custodial parent or not. No?


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

I supect it's SM being named on the consent form that has BM in a tizzy. In the email BM states herself or you (meaning dad) are the only ones. But BM is leaving a minor daughter for a month. It's not unreasonable to have a back-up in case the father is also not reachable even though there is no reason to believe he would not be reachable, no one can forsee the future.

Actually the two older siblings may also be able to make decisions if dad is unreachable--something you also might wanna have dad and BM check on--if dad is unreachable and they don't want consent to go to siblings. It's usually immediate family. For the very reason I have consent forms on my grandkids for when they are here for extended stays and their parents are unreachable.

Oldest daughter had OP operation a few years ago and my mother, her grandmother, took her in and did the waiting while I had all the kids. Daughter was not a minor at time nor married. Dr. had to call me twice during procedure to get consent to do a couple of things that had not been on agenda. Grandma could not give consent as she is extended not immediate family. Daughter was told later that had not her father or I been available to have confered with consent, dr. could have turned to her adult brother (immediate family/next of kin) and that scared the crap out of her that her brother might make decisions while she was asleep on a table.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Thanks for some good ideas!!

Mom2emall, good idea about her asking the neighbours to check up. I doubt she would do it, but it's a good idea and I will mention it!! and she is too cheap to kennel the dog...trip cost her a fortune I'm sure but DH says she will probably not even leave them food, which is very sad...

Thermometer, yes DH could give consent but she is quite "unbalanced" so we just thought it would be nice to have a letter. Also, if an emergency decision had to be made, like for surgery or something, it was just a precaution...

Justmetoo, I didn't even put myself on the form because I knew that would "trigger" her. It would not have been unreasonable to have me on the form as well, you are completely right but BM does not think of the child first, she just gets mad...!!

I'm sure you're right, the two older sibs could make decisions too, but it was just to have something in "writing" to make everyone feel more secure, that was all. I don't understand why it has to be so "complicated", that's what kills me...That's really interesting about your DD with surgery, that her brother would have been next in line to make a decision, wow!!


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

That's really interesting about your DD with surgery, that her brother would have been next in line to make a decision, wow!!

If no legal directives exist to the contrary, order of consent is according to state law, but I expect it's the same in most if not all states. In the state where I worked in a hospital years ago, it was

1)spouse
2)adult child
3)parent
4)adult sibling
5)grandparent
6)adult grandchild
From there it branches out to nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc don't really remember the order. It is not up to doctors to interpret or make judgements on, though, there is a strict hierarchy by law.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Couldn't Dad sign a power of medical attorney to be given to StepMom and adult sisters? (Is BioMom's authority any greater than Dad's?) The understanding would be, of course, that if Dad or BioMom can be reached, that they would be the ones consulted, but that if they could not be reached, the others would have the legal authority to step in ans give consent for whatever needed to be done. (Normally, if Dad has the right to consent, he also has the right to delegate his authority to someone else.)

On the dog and house-watching thing, simply say "I'm sorry we won't be able to accommodate you on that" and refuse to negotiate. Drop the subject entirely. Don't allow her to pass this burden off onto you since it's not your problem.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

"On the dog and house-watching thing, simply say "I'm sorry we won't be able to accommodate you on that" and refuse to negotiate. Drop the subject entirely. Don't allow her to pass this burden off onto you since it's not your problem."

Bingo. Dad should do this like IMMEDIATLY. The older SD's can take care of the dog and as far as policing the house? WTF? Totally not you or Dad's problem. SHe chose to leave the country for a month...this should of been her responsibility to have these areas covered and not default them over to you guys. It's rude and very presumptuos. The guy is her kids father NOT her butler/doggie daycare employee/on call b*tch boy.

As far as the medical thing goes, correct me if I'm wrong but if someone is brought to the ER the staff are REQUIRED to care for that individual regardless of who has what paper form what parent and nonsense of the like. They don't stop working on a crash victim to verify rights and I would hope BM isn't such a dipstick she would have a coronary over some trivial dumb sh*t like proof of permission in a serious situation like that. I would seriously HOPE the childs wellfare would come before her own selfish pride.

Other than serious emergencies of that extent there really is no reason why dad couldn't be notified before any major decisions are made so the need for permission is really irrelevant. If the kid is in SERIOUS condition no one will care about some stupid letter from mommy. If the situation isn't serious dad would have plenty of time to be notified. I wouldn't stress it.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

".... The guy is her kids father NOT her butler/doggie daycare employee/on call b*tch boy."

ROTFLMAO! And spitting coffee everywhere! Thanks a lot Doodle! Now I need a new monitor and keyboard!


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Silver

Sorry about that:)


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I just found out

from a friend who has a family member who is an ER nurse that they will NOT work on a minor without a legal guardians signature. She called her family member and asked.

If that is the case I as a Step Mother would REFUSE to be responsible for a step child if a parent chose to take a long term leave of ansence UNLESS that parent sighned over some temporary rights. Period. It isn't worth the risk of a child dying just because a parent couldn't be reached and yes, they WILL let the child die on the table with out a signature.

What kindof parent would risk that happening over their own silly pride? I would want as many freaking adults as possible on that list just in case!

I called DH and he is going to see if something temporary can be written up while BM is on "vacation". I am much easier to get ahold of me at my job than DH at his. It's a very scary thought.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

It does not even have to be the major stuff. Without the consent I carry with me when I have GS7 (my oldest daughter's son) I could not have had stitches performed on him until his mom or dad decided to turn their cellphones back on.

I refuse to have GS7 over except for the day unless I have a current consent. My DD28 is too well known for forgeting her cell or just turn it off so she is not bothered. There have been times when I have GS7 I can not reach his mother for several days.

It's common sense to have back-up for even little things. Does not even have to be real formal. My form states she gives me, my mother, my sister, my husband (her dad) and/or my son (her oldest brother) permission to have her son treated in her absence.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

I think the problem is that with mom in Africa, if dad is unreachable for a couple of hours, there could be a legitimate emergency. Of course, hospitals will provide life saving operation if no one avaialbe, but IMHO, it will go quicker and easeier if someone there who can authorize. For example, child is bitten by dog. lets say not life threatening, and dog is known and has had shots. What if plastic surgeon should be called in? What if kid is hysterical and needs something to calm down?

As to dog, what dont I understand, why cant the older kids do that?


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

"I think the problem is that with mom in Africa, if dad is unreachable for a couple of hours, there could be a legitimate emergency."

I totally agree KKNY. If a parent is taking a substantial leave of abscence there should be at the very least a TEMPORARY emergency contingency plan in place with more than ONE person available on the contact list. It isn't worth the risk.

I am also with you on the dog. WTF is THAT all about? LOL. The older kids are home??????


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

how bizzare. drive there to feed a dog daily? lol no comments. and no medical waver for SD? Africa? My SO's Xwife threatens everyone to move to India with her BF. It's been going on for awhile. what crazy people.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Sorry if I repeat what's already been said, I am not reading ALL responses, just OP.

Issue #1: Feeding the dog: That's not YOUR problem. SD is 17, does she drive? If so, mom can leave her car for SD to go home and feed the dog or older DD's can feed the dog. That is a power struggle demand if I ever saw one!

Issue #2: SD will be staying with older siblings most of the week: If it were MY children, it would be over my dead body that I would let my minor child stay home with two older siblings.. one that's old enough to purchase alcohol. The fact that BM is concerned about parties is a red flag that she has thought of that too. Again, it's not your problem if the older girls have a party in mom's house, that's mom's problem and if she chooses to leave the country and leave her 'adult' children in her home, the consequences are hers. Minor SD should be with her other parent while mom is out of the country and she should not have a say in it.... take your minor child with you or leave her in the care of her other parent or other responsible adult. The fact that she wants you to police other daughters is an indication that she doesn't consider the older girls THAT responsible. And if they were, they could feed the dog!


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

OH Dear,
No way in hell would I deal with driving 25 minutes to pee the dogs, let her get a dog sitter. I was going to say the same thing Ima did, why can't the older girls feed the dog?

And if she doesn't trust her kids not to have any parties then she shouldn't leave them for a month..No way would I have left teen/early 20's kid/s-kids for a month. I KNOW they would have wild partys-Ha!

Don't stress too much about the medical issue. Yes they will treat in an emergency if no family member is reachable for consent. We did all the time when I worked in ER, many times we would be unable to reach family until the patient was stabilzed-never let them die (not intentionally anyway) on the table waiting to hear. The clerk is usually trying to call whilst staff is stabilizing.

I took my S-son to ER twice to be treated for fractures at age 16 & 17, and my husband & BM were not reachable. They treated him appropriately and sent him home with me.

BM sounds like a piece of work but your DH has to put his foot down about the dog sitting/party dilemna. I'm sure the girls will give him a call if they get into too much trouble... We tried to go just for a weekend & got 2 hours away before the neighbors called to let us know the kids drug the hammock up on the roof & were sitting up there shooting off fireworks. A month away is a frightening thought-I wouldn't have dared! Boy, I'm glad those days are done.

~Cat


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

" I'm sure the girls will give him a call if they get into too much trouble"

Unfortunately, its not easy and not fair to teens. One time one of my teenage babysitters asked if she could stay at my house when her parents were away. Her concern -- if her friends knew there was an open house, they would nag/beg/harass her to have a party. Instead, her plan was to tell her friends she had to work late for me. I said fine by me.

And teens just cant be expected to have the judgement of adults. Thats why I think Dad just has to say to mom, sorry it wont work with SD driving over there to feed dog. Too much can happen. Have the older kids do it.

and if nothing else, have DAD sign a letter authorizing you -- it may not be worth the paper it is written on, but it could help.


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RE: BM's trip...venting...arggh!!

" I'm sure the girls will give him a call if they get into too much trouble"

I meant that in a "yea right" sorta way to clarify. I still find it hard to believe a mom would becomfortable leaving her teen/young adult kids for that long, esp out of the country..Agree with KK, I think your DH needs to let her know it's just not going to work.

~Cat


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Tell me about it, I havent had a vacation in 5 years. Why? Dont want to leave DD alone. Now that she is in college, I can plan trips in between any time she might come home.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

"No way would I have left teen/early 20's kid/s-kids for a month.'

well I think it is a bit extreme, i disagree, early 20s aren't kids. I was married and had my own child in early 20s, so did my brother. DD although is not married lives on her own without her parents since she finished high school (and not in a supervised dorm). plenty of people in their 20s don't live wiht their parents. i agree that 17 is not legal age and should not be left alone for such a long time. but 20s?


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Me too when I was 20 i had a baby to care for & a household to run.

Fast forward to a few yr.s back when we had a 16,17 & 21 yr old in the house. Man-Childs alone in the house for a weekend = Blow out party, fireworks on roof & shooting BB guns in the house (though they never admitted who did it, we had BB holes the screens & little black spots on the ceiling that never came off)...

We just didn't do it after that. Like I said, I'm glad that's behind me..but yes some kids this age are ultra responsible, DH's & mine were more the folks are gone "it's Party time!" types.

I still feel it is not a good idea to leave two young women ages 19 + 24 alone to run a household and be reponsible for a 17 yr old on the weekends for month. No matter how mature they may be. A week maybe, a month-no way.

~Cat


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

I think it depends on the kid/young adult.

At 21 I had my DD and I was pretty darn responsible. I was living on my own at that point. Heck, I lived in the dorms from 18-20, then at 20 lived in an apartment off campus.

At 21, I was living in my own condo. BUT HAVING responsibility (ie---being married or having a child) tends to force a person to be responsible. At 21, my priorities were my DD and school--I didn't have the time or desire for wild parties.

It depend on the circumstances, every person is different.

I am not sure I would feel comfortable leaving a 20-22 yr old sibling in charge of a HS-age sibling---more because I think the HS kid would not view the older sib in a position of authority.

Bottom line--BM's house is not your responsibility, nor are her dogs. She can board them or get a pet-sitter, or have her older DDs take care of them.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

It's not about whether the young adults are responsible or can handle being left for a month... it's about them staying home alone IN BM'S HOUSE! If BM is concerned that they will party (AND THEY MOST LIKELY WILL) then she should not leave them alone in HER house for that long. I had my own apartment at 18 and have never gone back to live with my parents... it's not about age or responsibility level. IF YOU DON'T WANT A PARTY IN YOUR HOUSE, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE ENTRUSTED TO PEOPLE THAT YOU FEEL THE NEED TO ASK YOUR EX TO CHECK UP ON BECAUSE YOU HAVE CONCERNS THEY ARE GOING TO ABUSE YOUR TRUST.

Anyone else that has adult children can argue from now until next Tuesday that they were responsible at 20 or their kid(s) are responsible enough to leave home alone... but obviously the BM in OP doesn't think so, or she wouldn't have asked her ex to check or monitor them!


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

"but obviously the BM in OP doesn't think so, or she wouldn't have asked her ex to check or monitor them!"

VERY true, Ima.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

"....but now BM wants us to take SD back to her house every night at 10 pm to feed and walk the dog."

Did anyone else find this strange? Who walks the dog at 10pm? Who is out and about at 10pm? I'm in bed!!!!

AND>>>> if there are two other people, old enough to stay alone... why can't they feed the stinkin' dog????!!!


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Thanks ever so much for all the support and helpful comments from all of you!! (((((hugs))))))) You guys are great!!

You guys do crack me up, I love the comment from boodledoo :

".... The guy is her kids father NOT her butler/doggie daycare employee/on call b*tch boy."

I read it to my DH and he just about split a gut, he was laughing so hard!! We were laughing because BM does think that he is her "b*tch boy", he works hard to make sure that he isn't but she likes to pretend that he is!!

BM is now on her trip, I ended up phoning her and telling her 1) no dog sitting
2) no house-watching, for parties, etc...
3) need letter, or leave SD with someone else.

BM immediately started screaming at me on the phone, I stayed calm, didn't yell back, and she hung up. She then turned around, called up DH's office repeatedly, she was told he was in a meeting (he was, thank goodness!)but the secretary couldn't take her constant phone calls, repeatedly calling over and over, so she finally brought the phone to my DH. Poor secretary, she doesn't know what to do with crazy people on the phone!!BM then started screaming at DH, telling him that I told her she is a "bad parent" and "doesnt know how to parent" etc...He just said, "look, I'm at work and knock it off" and hung up.

BM ended up leaving us a "paper" but it's a joke, some little typed-up thing that she did not even SIGN...she's certifiable, I swear..!! Anyways, SD who is almost 17 says her mom was "freaking out" before she left but that she "seemed to calm down after you (meaning me) called her". I call the woman about once every 5 years because it's just not worth it, she is nuts and I try to stay away from the crazy people!!
At least we aren't looking after the dog, and she knows that if the older ones get into trouble, (which they likely will, like most of you said, who leaves a 19 and 23 year old home alone, they are not the mature young adults that Lovehadley and some others were!), BM knows we are not going to intervene (unless the cops are called!! haha...oh geez, why am I laughing...gulp!!)

Thanks again and cheers!! :D


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Why can't your husband write the letter for you? Does Mom have sole custody?


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Hey - She's GONE! Problem's over ;-)


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

I did find it strange that mom is obviously crazy yet she is the one with the custody and dad cannot even take his kid to a doctor, makes no sense.
I do find it funny that people think 24-year-olds "kids" cannot be left home along. LOL I don't even know anyone who still lives at home at 24. oh well


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finedreams

LOL, I have a 49 year old cousin that still lives at home. Seriously, he left for a couple of years when he got married & when his wife had enough, she left him & their two kids (Yeah, another father with full custody, lol) and he went back to live with him mom and is still there. Kids are grown, he's still there and will never leave. His mom is in her late 70's.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

but could he be left alone for a month, entrusted with feeding and walking the dog, and without throwing big parties?


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

SS~ I think if he were left alone for a month, he'd starve to death. I don't think he would take out the trash or clean up after himself... so throwing a party might be better, at least most kids clean up after the party so hopefully their parents don't find out.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

there is a big difference between people sharing a household of whatever age and actually still living in mom's house as a child up to the point that he/she cannot be left alone for a month. It is OK to share a house with other family members at any age, but on an equal footing. I think an adult who would starve to death or burn up the house if left alone is having some serious mental issues or disability.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

If lazy is a mental issue or disability, then yes~


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Oh boy, BM left them with no washer. SD 17 called today and said "I need to come over RIGHT NOW to do my laundry, I have no clean clothes". I was like "huh, I am not getting you, why don't you just wash them, I have seen you do laundry, what's up?" and she is like "the washer is broken" so I said "did it just happen, do you want me to call the landlord to ask him to fix it?" And she is like "no, he knows". BM and Skids rent a house and the landlord and his wife and child live next door, landlord and his wife bought the house next door to them and renovated it and BM and the kids have lived there for like it must be 4 years now. Skids used to babysit landlord's daughter, they had a good relationship with them, but I think BM has been late with the rent, also BM and Skids have regular "screaming matches" so the Skids no longer are asked to babysit the daughter of the landlord/neighbour. Skids and BM now call him a "jerk", which I don't think is warranted. DH and I think that she has been late on rent a lot, and she is a "difficult" person to begin with so she has probably yelled at him or been nasty in some way, more than likely. Anyways, so SD says "it's an old washer and he won't fix it." Istill need some "retraining" Sweeby, because my FIRST reaction is "we should just buy a new washer to help out the kids". My DH is like "WAAAHHHT??!! are you nuts??" I realized that was not the way to go, BM has made so much difficulty for us with Skids but I guess I just wonder, do I ask the landlord what's up and run interference nicely for the Skids' sakes? Do I ignore it, what do I do? leave it alone? I mean, SD17 can do laundry with us, but what about when BM gets back, then what does SD do? BM gets over $1300 a month in CS, plus she works full time, so I don't know why she doesn't just buy a new washer or get it repaired, it's weird...anyways, any suggestions are welcome, thanks!! :)


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New and improved difficulties...

Oh boy, BM left them with no washer. SD 17 called today and said "I need to come over RIGHT NOW to do my laundry, I have no clean clothes". I was like "huh, I am not getting you, why don't you just wash them, I have seen you do laundry, what's up?" and she is like "the washer is broken" so I said "did it just happen, do you want me to call the landlord to ask him to fix it?" And she is like "no, he knows". BM and Skids rent a house and the landlord and his wife and child live next door, landlord and his wife bought the house next door to them and renovated it and BM and the kids have lived there for like it must be 4 years now. Skids used to babysit landlord's daughter, they had a good relationship with them, but I think BM has been late with the rent, also BM and Skids have regular "screaming matches" so the Skids no longer are asked to babysit the daughter of the landlord/neighbour. Skids and BM now call him a "jerk", which I don't think is warranted. DH and I think that she has been late on rent a lot, and she is a "difficult" person to begin with so she has probably yelled at him or been nasty in some way, more than likely. Anyways, so SD says "it's an old washer and he won't fix it." Istill need some "retraining" Sweeby, because my FIRST reaction is "we should just buy a new washer to help out the kids". My DH is like "WAAAHHHT??!! are you nuts??" I realized that was not the way to go, BM has made so much difficulty for us with Skids but I guess I just wonder, do I ask the landlord what's up and run interference nicely for the Skids' sakes? Do I ignore it, what do I do? leave it alone? I mean, SD17 can do laundry with us, but what about when BM gets back, then what does SD do? BM gets over $1300 a month in CS, plus she works full time, so I don't know why she doesn't just buy a new washer or get it repaired, it's weird...anyways, any suggestions are welcome, thanks!! :)


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

My suggestion; laundry mat. Surely their mother left them money for basic needs before she left?

I most certainly would not purchase her a new washer, unless you need a new one, then take over the old one if you don't think the laundry mat would work. Personally it might be a good experience for all the kiddies to slug their clothes back & forth for a month. Mine has had to do it for 2 year.s now and sure appreciates when his gf takes a load home and brings it back all nice and folded.
-Cat


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Buy her a washer? You're right on the retraining! ;-)

So what are the possibilities?

- Laundromat
- Call the landlord (for her)
- Let them all come to your house
- You tell SD what the possibilities are and ask her what she intends to do


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Cat, we don't need a new washer, so that option is out...!! :)

And Sweeby,the "old me" would have already bought the washer and had it delivered....LOL!! thank goodness for you guys and your "tough love" on me!! :)

Do you think speaking to the landlord is ok? I think so, it's more for the kids (esp. SD 17), than for BM.

There aren't all that many laudromats around here, but I think that the older two are going to have to find one, because I don't want them all here. As I said in an earlier post, all 3 SD's are quite manipulative,the youngest who is the 17 year old is ok,most of the time. THe oldest of BM's kids has not spoken to my DH in about 4 years, he was her "stepdad",her BD took off when she was a baby and DH raised her. To my knowledge, BM has poisoned all 3 of Skids, but the manipulation and poisoning was the worst with the oldest SD. Oldest SD thinks the entire divorce was DH's fault, when actually her Mom kicked him out and then was very nasty and horrible to him, tried to get full custody when it was not warranged, took kids to a shelter and claimed spousal abuse, then much later, BM told me "if you ever want to get rid of your husband, I was told that THIS is the way to do it!!" (by making false allegations of domestic violence). If ever there was a case of "parental alienation", BM is unfortunately a classic!! Anyways, so having them here is out. SD 17 is sleeping here for the next few days, but that is ok as she is nice enough when she is here...:)

Anyways, I guess I will get up my gumption and speak to their landlord tonight. Wish me luck, he is not a bad guy, at least he doesn't seem to be!! :)


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

Freecycle.org or craigslist. People give perfectly good washing machines away for free all the time.

If you were to weaken and buy a washer (and I don't think you should) it could perhaps be deducted from CS?

The paper trail it'd leave would be handy for any issues that may arise in court "and why did you buy this washer? And where was the birth mother? Who was in charge?"


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

what i do not understand is that why minor SD is not staying with the father. she is staying in mom's house in mom's absense without adult supervision (her sisters are not legally responsible if something happens). and now there is no washer. i don't get it. i would not let my DD (when she was 17) to stay at dads house during dad's absense. Other sisters are adults and can do whatever, use landromats or come to your house or have parties, up to them, they are grown, but 17?


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

My little two cents worth..... The minor child should be staying with her dad..... during her mother's trip. I would let the 17 come on over and wash her own clothing and fold them.

But i would not leave her with her sisters - although i am sure they love one another - they are young adults who will probably be more interested in partying then making sure the youngest is taken care of.


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RE: BM's trip....venting...arggh!!

SD 17 should DEFINITELY be staying here with us but 1)BM didn't want that. Who knows why, I think it's because when SD stays here she starts to realize what a loon BM is and SD starts to act better, with us she does homework, goes to school, doesn't cut class, etc..And 2)SD doesn't want to stay here and BM said she could stay with her sisters. So, DH and I do not want to participate in WWIII so we try to "go with the flow". If we do not "go with the flow" then we are dealing with a BM very similar to LoveHadley's and it just becomes a very bad knockdown, meltdown, nutcase, telephone calls at all hours of the night, emails, threats, etc...so we don't "mess with the crazy people", we just try to help out SD17 if she needs it.

On another note, did her laundry yesterday, she has THREE (3!!) pairs of underwear to her name. I said to her "is the new style now 'going commando'??!!" So we went and bought some tshirts and underwear and bras yesterday, which was good!


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