You say you've threatened to call the cops if they physically hurt their sister... it sounds like you may have to do more than threaten if it ever happens again. Physical abuse is a crime, and I don't think you have to be 18 to be accountable. There is a very clear line of what can and can't be condoned, talked through or otherwise worked out and physical abuse is over that line. The boys need to know very plainly and in no uncertain terms that if they hurt the girls or anyone else, they will be picked up by the cops. As for the other stuff (lying, refusing to do chores), well, obviously that's harder to deal with because it's more vague. But I think it's safe to say that in most human dealings, the best way to influence or improve somebody's behavior is to make it real unpleasant for them to continue what they're doing... to make it in their interest to change their behavior. And let them know the deal so there is no surprise or uncertainty so that if they choose to misbehave they have no one to blame for the repercussions they suffer but themselves. It may not prove a foolproof method, but I'd guess it's worth a try. Like for example: "Dude, you are NOT going to like what happens if I hear you call your sister a bad name again, because you're not going to like scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush and vinegar at 5:00 in the morning. Your choice." Or: "yeah I know you don't really feel like doing the dishes. And I don't really feel like cooking you dinner or paying for your phone either. If you back out on your promises and contributions to the family, I guess others in the family have a right to back out on their promises and contributions to you. It's much better for all of us if we all pitch in and do things to help each other out. But again, your choice." You as the step-parent who isn't even living full-time with the step-kids REALLY don't have to do anything for them. Their mom obviously has to provide a basic decent level of care and make sure there's food in the house for them to eat, etc. But at their age she doesn't have to cook it! There are plenty of "extra" things you and she can leverage and refuse to do for them until they learn to behave decently, without running the risk of being negligent parents. In the meantime, though, do proceed with family counseling. Even though the boys' behavior desperately needs changing, it sounds like there are some genuine adjustment problems and anger issues that need to be addressed. Especially with the older boy, who sadly sounds like he has had a lot in his life to be angry about. He just can't be allowed to continue expressing it in the ways that he has been.

I am not sure if anyone still reads these, I am just looking for a place to ask questions and vent, and sometimes I just need to hear the truth. I am in a relationship with a man who has a son. The son calls me mom, and we all live together in a house I bought a year ago. I am having a hard time finding anything to connect with with my stepson. He is 11, and ever since I've met him, he lies about everything. He lies to his father and I about silly things (what he ate or if he washed his hands) to not so silly (telling his real mom that he is made to do things he doesn't want to do). I first brought up the lying to his father because lying is something that is not tolerated in my life or in our house. I do not deal with lying. I made that clear to him and stepson. I set an example by always being honest and never lying. I know telling the truth hurts, but it is the truth. Stepson lies all the time, and his father will not discipline him. All he says is "lie again and I will bust your butt." He has told SS this countless times and he doesn't do it. Recently it got worse. He called one of his teachers at school a few choice bad words. We got a call from the school and we couldn't believe it. We knew he had outbursts like this at home, and dad never did anything about them (and I told him it was a matter of time before my SS would do it at school too), and now he is realizing that his idle threats aren't working. So his punishment for calling his teacher some bad words was... taking his Legos away! That is it! And I am an educator, and I find this very offensive, I would want my students to have more respect for me than my SS does for his teachers. I am having trouble bonding with my SS. I always make sure he is taken care of by having food, clean clothes, and a home that is welcoming. But I am having a hard time being close to him because I feel betrayed by his lies. He is rude and always in grown up conversations, he is messy and leaves clothes lying everywhere. He doesn't have any chores, just pick up your things. He doesn't do much but get home and play outside and make a mess inside, and lie. I know it is not his fault he is rude and disrespectful and lies all the time, but I am just having a hard time finding something to connect with him. I am an outgoing fun person and he is always a negative person who sees the worst in everything. I am trying to be positive, but knowing that any moment he will lie about me and say things to people about me, keep me away from him. I have no interest in bonding, just letting him be and letting me be. It is very hard on his father because he doesn't like to see us torn in a difficult relationship (SS and I), but he doesn't do anything to discipline his son. If you want people to like your son, then you must teach him to be respectful of others. We model respect, his father and I, and are actually truly very happy. I am just afraid that SS and I are growing farther apart and that will hurt his dad. I know that people will say "you knew he had a son before you lived together...." yes that is true but it is different when you see them everyday and have to live with their lies and meanness all the time. I don't have children of my own, just my SS, and I want to love him and like him, but it is just so difficult and draining on me.

First, bless you for being willing to try, but, second, don't take it to heart if this doesn't work. SS has spent his entire life in a very cushy environment with few if any rules, & although he may be sincere about wanting a different experience, he doesn't have any idea just how different real life is. 'My husband...feels we should ease in to (the rules) and not throw all these changes at him all at once.' If a new member of the household is permitted to, say, stay up all night on the computer on day one, when do you think you should take that away from him? What reason do you think you could come up with to explain the change? How would you convince him that rules mean anything? Consistency & structure are the very things that make your environment different from his mother's & grandfather's, & that consistency & structure need to be present, predictable, & stable from the very first. I wish you the best.

I agree with brass tacks in what she asked about. Why your wife goes behind your back and goes against what both have you agreed on. In reality, besides the resentment that will grow in you, she is also making you seem like the 'bad' guy and her the good one on their sides and forming a stronger bond. An illusion for her because her kids are basically manipulating her. i think if you stay, you will have to talk about this. What i dont understand is why your wife doesn't want to talk about her daughters bad behaviour. THe way i see it, its seems to bother you more than her when it comes to belly piercings, late nights, etc..etc. These are not your kids to decipline. Even if she has let you, your setting yourself up. As a child growing up, i resented any discipline coming from my stepmother. And now as a stepmother of 2 kids, i have told my husband and his kids i will not discipline. I demand respect because i give respect to all of them but its not my job to ground them. That's up to their mother and father. This is what i mean about her letting you and making you the bad guy. Let her handle her kids cra*p! Its not your job. Concentrate on your relationship with your wife. Does she love you? ARe you losing your trust? Do you always let her go into your wallet? The kids hate you because you are discipling. Stop it! Let their mother do it. I know you are concerned about them and their well being. Yes they are a package. But there are instructions on special packages and this is what you have opened. The instructions are not being followed. Or they were not written properly between you and your wife. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss some rules and of course your feelings. How is your wife taking it when her kids are leaving the house and blaming you? Is she resentful or couldnt' care less? Very important, please dont take the blame. These are teenagers. Walking hormones with nasty temper tantrums...been there..done that!:) You are not the one splitting them apart. Your wifes decisions are. By going against what you both decided, she is underminding your cohesiveness as a united front. This is bad when it comes to dealing with kids. You must be united. If she cannot do this. Then its time to go. If she cannot correct this...then its time to go. If it doesn't bother her that her kids are leaving and couldnt care less if they like you or not...you can continue but i dont know how you would feel knowing she is like this.