if I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
lilysuzanne40
21 years ago
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lilysuzanne40
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agonotwicked
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Should I let My Adult Children Go?
Comments (21)For Pamb100... isn't it a curious thing the power a sons wife may have? When they want to like you, they will...but when their honeymoon is over with hubby...his mom becomes mud...and they sling it off...i have watched this...i know it exists..to really good parents... I hope by 2013, you have mended some fences...but the DIL sounds like if she cannot have a mom, no one else will...i have had women tell me that they resented their MIL because their own moms were deceased... We all say..that we raise children to be independent, but we do not get any parental reward when a son feels it is easier to stay away from his family to keep his angry wife happy...and then we think...was it worth it..the whole journey...for me, it was not I have a lifetime of photos that I need to give my son, because I have no use in looking so far back...i have no idea why i have so many pictures...forget scrapbooks...it would be a painful thing to do...the sad thing is that my son is teaching his sons to do the same thing to them....and i feel sad about that...i don't wish that on my DIL... She will not always have a busy life...circumstances will turn...and they will have wives...women in their youth, cannot fathom what retirement and losing family to illness will make their older years... I have had cruel words filtered my way, indifference, neglectfulness and many hurts that may revisit her....my son just seems to be helpless...what do sons really do when their wife declares she does not his family...maybe like isn't the word...but she does not want to give us any time...should they divorce? So...you see...turning loose to the hope of the all american family may be the best thing you could do.. Feel lucky though...your spouse supports you in seeing the reality, mine has hidden his head in the sand...and it is devastating.......See MoreHappy day ... Reconciled with my dad
Comments (4)lilysuzanne40 - I am very happy for you and your sisters. I hope you can continue this relationship with your dad - it is very important. Since he has put his foot down - either his wife will accept this and accept you...who knows - maybe he can have both! Of course it could be that she is just not happy no matter what. Just remember that there are stepparents who are good people and do want what is best. My husband does not have a relationship with his son right now due to his threats to my daughter and myself. I did not give an ultimatum - but I did attempt to leave and not come between them. Hopefully it will all work out for all of us in these situations! Good luck...See MoreAdult Step-children
Comments (29)Of course it is a hostess' obligation to try to make her guests comfortable and tolerate any variations they cause to the normal day to day routine of the house. This should not be too onerous for the hostess - because it is also incumbent upon the houseguests to do their best to make sure that they are pleasant, as little trouble as possible, and hopefully even do small things to show their appreciation for the hostess, if they can. Where I used to live, when my brother would come to visit he'd sleep on my sleeper sofa in the living room. As hostess, and one who got up earlier than him, I'd try to keep quiet so that he could sleep. In such a small place generally that meant I'd have to leave and run errands! When I'd return from errands, as guest, my brother would have sleeper sofa made back up and his personal belongings reasonably tidied up. Having or being a houseguest can be a bit stressful but so long as both parties try to think of what they can do to make it easier for the other person generally all goes fairly well. But, the problem here is that it sounds like the adult skids are not doing their part to follow any etiquette, and if only one party is expected to behave well (DannieB, by being expected to be an accommodating hostess) without any reciprocal attempts by the skids to be good guests, it is natural that she'd begin to feel put-upon and used. She's the hostess - she's not a maid, and she's being taken advantage of (letting their dog on someone's furniture?! Really?!) What if you're at work, and periodically someone runs over to doughnut shop across the street to get breakfast? A colleague might ask if you'd mind getting them a doughnut too, and offers to pay you. You, of course, say yes to the request and no to the offer of payment - it's a doughnut, for heaven's sake! And normally one doesn't quibble over who owes pocket change to whom. Fine - but what happens when ten months later you realize that you are always buying doughnuts for this one person? That person has never reciprocated? Yes, it's just a doughnut - but ten months worth of daily doughnuts start to add up, and no one likes to feel used. Most people are going to not say anything, not cause a scene - but just start quietly slipping out for doughnuts so the colleague doesn't know beforehand, and thus can't ask for another freebie at someone else's expense. DannieB has been putting up with this for twenty years. Her husband won't say anything, the "kids" can't be bothered, she can't tell the kids to go stay at a hotel - there are only two options left for her (well, three if you count divorce and/or murdering the skids, but they're both a bit extreme, LOL!). One is to keep putting up with this, and I'm unaware of any rule of etiquette which says that anyone is obligated to repeatedly put themselves into a position in which they know that they will be taken advantage of, anymore than doughnut person is required to keep announcing intentions to get doughnuts and thus cornered by good manners into buying them, or two, to remove herself from this equation by going to a hotel herself....See MoreSitting here and thinking
Comments (16)organic maria & kg44, Thanks for the understanding and support. It is nice to know someone can relate to how I feel. maria you asked what we fought about. There were several things involving the adult step kids. Well it started with 25 year old SD calling the week before xmas crying that she was depressed and unhappy. DH talked with her a long time and hung up saying to SD we will talk tomorrow, he appeared to be concerned. DH & I talked about it and he felt she was truely depressed. I too was concerned for her. The next day DH tried to call her all day and night long. SD's phone was turned off. DH called SS (her brother) and told SS he was concerned. SS calls biomom (the ex) and gets her involved. The ex calls DH several time, they went back and forth about SD depression. The ex who lives closer to SD went over and checked on SD. It turns out SD is fine she just turned off her phone to save on battery life. SD is fine and feels better in one days time. Wow was I upset. Here DH & myself are worred all day. I see it as a spoiled 25 year old SD trying to get attention and mommy and daddy to talk to each other. How self centered and selfish of her at 25 years old. I guess I appeared disgusted about the whole thing and DH sensed it. So we walked around stressed with each other. Second, step kids were vague on what their plans were with bio mom for xmas. DH asked several times. It finally came down to they were spending xmas eve day/night with mom. That is the day we (DH & myself) go to my family, so it works out great. However, SS hinted that they would be at our house xmas eve. I explained to DH I do not want his ex in my home. I explained the step kids should spend xmas eve with their mother at her home, not ours. I know from past history that the adult step kids planned to have bio mom at our new home for xmas eve. I put my foot down, I told DH NO ONE will be spending xmas eve (while were away) in our house. So he was crabby about that. Third, as you know the ex called several times when SD was saying she was depressed. The ex had not talked with DH for at least a year. There has been no reason for the ex to talk with DH because the step kids are now adults. There has been no situations involving adult step kids which there are any common or necessary concerns that the adult kids can't communicate with their mother on their own. So DH and I are enjoying the day together when his cell phone rings. It is his ex wondering what to buy the kids for xmas. Now, keep in mind the ex has gotten by the last 5 years purchasing xmas gifts for the adult kids without DH help. Wow, what a way to get to talk with my DH. I felt the tension between DH & I. We talked and DH admitted that adult SS has begun to say he wished DH and bio mom could talk and be friends. So its the adult step kids again pushing DH to be in contact with the ex when there is no real need. The ex will get money each month from us until she dies. She gives the kids nothing and has caused nothing but turmoil form day one with DH and I. I do not want her as a friend in our life. There is no need. I can see if the kids get married or if their is a true step kid emergency, health related issue with the kids, that DH needs to talk and be civil to her but NO other reason should be needed. So we argued about that. I asked DH how she got along for 5 years without his advise on what to get the step kids. He was mad at me. Fourth, we are at my DH's parents on xmas day afternoon. The step kids are there too. Everyone is having a great time, but SD. She barely will talk with anyone. Only sits by DH and only talks with him. It creates tension for the entire family (the step kid's grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). One of my DH's sisters came up to me and says why is your SD (her niece) acting so rude. I just reply I don't know. When I want to say: she is a spoiled brat, like her mother. We had to leave early becuase SD wanted to leave. The step kids came to our place right after xmas day to spend a couple days and open our xmas presents to them. SD was fine the whole time she was at our house. I asked her if she had fun at grandma's place. SD responded with a negative it is so loud. I wanted to say something like can't you put up with it for just one day. I feel sorry for DH having such spoiled, inconsiderate, self centered, bratty children. I can feel the tension and stress between DH & I when the kids are around. As soon as the kids left our home everything was good again. But from previous experience, these kids will continue to cause trouble, turmoil and stress in our marriage. They will continue to try and get their mom and dad back together. They will do anything to cause trouble for us. I guess it is working because as I said, all we did was fight and argue. All of it has something to do with his adult spoiled step kids. Sorry so long but you did ask. Thanks for listening. Please respond if you would like....See Moreorganic_maureen
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