Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.
LadyCaroline
11 years ago
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mkroopy
11 years agoDFWmom
11 years agoRelated Discussions
Proud mother of two baby Annie Laurie McDowells
Comments (24)It looks chlorotic to me. That can be nitrogen and iron deficiency. It can also be caused by over watering. Nitrogen flushes though the soil with water. Too much water can reduce the amount of available nitrogen, as well as reduce the amount of oxygen in the soil. Iron is better absorbed with nitrogen, like taking Vitamin D with Calcium. One aids the other to be absorbed and utilized. It shouldn't surprise you some look that way while others don't. If they were all budded to the same root stock, so all the roots were genetically identical, they would pretty much be afflicted with the same maladies at the same time, within the limits of the scions' genetics. But, they aren't. Each one has a different root system with different capabilities. Some absorb iron more easily than others, just like some people absorb nutrients from foods more easily than others. That's a huge benefit of having a garden all budded on the same root stock. It's often easier to figure out what to feed and how to to use. With each root system often completely different from the next, it can lead to one area requiring more of some type of fertilizer than others. Check to see if the pots seem water logged. If the soil appears, feels and smells as it should, then holding too much water shouldn't be the issue. What have they been fed, how much, and when? Perhaps these particular plants require heavier levels of iron and nitrogen. Multiflora types do here in my garden due to their inability to deal with higher alkalinity. Many roses aren't as efficient in dealing with lower nitrogen and iron locked up in insoluble compounds due to alkalinity. Sometimes, the plants grow much more quickly than they are able to take up the nitrogen and iron. I used to see that in the old garden when heavy mulches of fresh horse manure were applied then heavily watered in. A lot of nitrogen from the urine pushed the growth faster than iron could be absorbed, or when insufficient iron was available because the conditions were still too alkaline so it wasn't being released. If the issue is seen in older leaves, it means it occurred when those were growing as new foliage, or perhaps the plant is preparing to shed them as they have reached the end of their useful life. In new foliage, the issue is currently occurring and can be "fixed". If you have recently fed them, perhaps they are being pushed from the freshly applied nitrogen combined with the heat. If the food didn't contain enough iron, they may benefit from something which contains a bit higher available iron. If they haven't been fed in a while, they may be telling you they need feeding. It's also possible there is enough iron there, but they are reacting to the iron being locked up in the soil by alkalinity. Perhaps the ones already showing the issue are more sensitive to it than the others, or those pots have become more stressed than the others due to being more exposed to reflected heat or direct sun? It's difficult to determine without actually seeing how they are arranged, how they are exposed to potentially affecting causes. Might the affected pots get more heat from nearby hard scape? Or, might they not get as much sunlight as the ones not showing the chlorosis? If the others are heading toward the same condition, it sounds as if it's heat, water levels or lack of fertilizer. The ones already showing the symptoms are either more sensitive to the issue, or are encouraged to be more sensitive because of more heat to their pots, pushing them to grow more vigorously, using up the available nutrient levels faster. When and what did you feed last? They are showing they seem to need more iron and nitrogen, whether it's because they didn't receive enough; it's been flushed through the soil by more water; are being pushed by greater heat; are reacting to alkalinity issues; or are just in a more vigorous growth spurt than those nutrient levels can efficiently provide for is difficult to say from the photos. What seems the most plausible to you? Thanks. Kim...See MoreEncouragement to the step mothers who are wonderful
Comments (6)Thanks for the post. I too feel I have been blessed with step parents. They have changed my life in so many positive ways. I strongly believe that the only way I can show them how much I love and appreciate them is to be an example to my own step son and hope that one day he will say the same thing about me. I posted my story last year. here si the link if anyone wants to read it... http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/step/msg082157225927.html and more background... http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/step/msg0800161620696.html...See More13 year old daughter doesn't like step mother to be.
Comments (12)I wonder if your ex is not putting your daughter up to the things that she is saying. She pretty much just gave me an ultimatum that if I don't end my relationship with "some girl" that her and my relationship is in jeopardy The "some girl" comment sounds very much like the "you look like you're 16" comment that my (30 year old) sisters (6 year old) step daughter made when she (sister) got serious with "dad". It was something that SDs mom had said (trying to imply that she was too young to be with him). There is a lot of poisoning that goes on (whether intentional or not) when people split up. It seems like sometimes, even if mom moves on, she's still not willing to see dad do the same. You need to (gently) find out if the ultimatum (end it or lose me) is coming from your daughter or your ex. When my DH's ex found out that I wasn't going anywhere, she cut off all contact between DH and his two children. He hasn't seen or spoken with them in three and a half years. Is there any chance your daughter believes something like this could happen? Is there any chance that mom is telling her things like, if your dad marries her, he won't have time for you, or he'll have a new family and won't want you anymore...or you're not going to go stay with him if that 'girl' is living with him...etc.? Good Luck!! Just one other thing I'd like to comment on... Dyans World...you say My father didnt want to take care of me and left my mother, my father married someone else and had other kids, my father sucked. BUT my step daddy was the best thing that ever happened to me to this day he will always be my daddy and the bio can jump in a lake. Please know that I am saying this in the most heart felt way, and I mean no disrespect to your mother or 'daddy'... I don't know how old you were when your parents separated...but I know that for the past three and a half years my husbands ex has been telling his children (and anyone else who will listen) that he "didn't want them", that he "abandoned" them, even that he abused them. She has told them so many lies that these children, who used to crawl up on his lap and yell "Daddy! Daddy!" whenever they saw him, are now afraid of him, even though they wouldn't recognize him now if they saw him. (They were 1.5 and 3.5 when they were last together.) Mommy has remarried. She has the children calling her husband "Daddy" and refering to my husband, their bio father, by his first name, or as "Bad Daddy" (told to a therapist by daughter a year ago). I am fairly certain that she also tells them that it is my fault that he doesn't want to be with them, because we have a baby (their little brother, that they have never met). I cannot express to you the pain and sorrow, the depth of mourning that my husband has gone through, and still goes through when he thinks of his two children. They are so close to us, only five minutes away, yet they could as easily be in another country. We do not even know what they look like. I have cried, both with my husband, and for him, for the pain that he faces every day, and because of the knowledge of what his children, whom he loves very much, are being raised to think of him. We have been fighting, through the lawyers, for three and a half years, with no success, because we cannot give up, but in my heart I know that if we don't get to reestablish the relationship in the next five years, they will be lost to us. They are being so thoroughly poisoned against their dad. He has been vilified... that if they reach the age where they can tell the courts whether or not they want to go (around 12 or 13) before they get to know the loving, wonderful man that their father really is, they will never get to know him, and we will lose them forever. I mean no disrespect to your mom. And I'm not trying to downplay the significant role of the Daddy who raised you along side your mother, but sometimes things aren't what they seem. If you haven't heard your bio dad's side, from him, then can I please encourage you to try to contact him? You may find that this stranger, who left so long ago, has loved you and thought of you and mourned the loss of your relationship all this time. If that's true, try not to feel that he gave up on you...the courts are so biased against fathers...I know that it is such an emotionally draining battle...every letter from the lawyer is like a knife in the heart, when they tell you that you cannot see your children, and many people say, "Just let go" "Move on" or tell them that if they keep fighting for access they're just causing more turmoil for their kids "they're better off, if you just leave it alone" "they've adjusted to their new life" "you'll only upset them more". My husbands ex took the children and left, got a new beau, married him, and is trying to make her new "perfect family" with him, and writing out the past...and my husband with it. If you go and find your dad, you will never have the relationship you could have had, if you'd grown up with him in your life...the memories of our childhoods impact our bonds...but you still have the option to build a relationship from this point on. Somewhere out there, there may be a man who loves you and misses you, to this day. Kind thoughts. Verena...See MoreStep-Mother to 3 grown daughters and its killing me
Comments (10)Hi Kasey and ChloeMichelle. I'm glad you both wrote in. It helps to hear others thoughts. I have a 'grown' stepdaughter as well. She's 25 and has a 7 yr old son and a 19 month old daughter by 2 dif. dads. She's not married but living with the father of the 2nd child. The 1st child's father beat her and she never filed a report so she doesn't want to fight for child support b/c he might want to get custody and she doesn't want to chance that. She's just like her mother - - - very rude, abrupt, unfriendly, hateful, etc. The guy she's with now is totally supporting her and both kids. she stays home. She's tried school about 4 dif. times now and has decided not to go back this year. As far as I hear from my grandson, she doesn't cook much, I know she doesn't clean much. If this guy dumps her she has no way to support both kids on her own. My grandson has come to visit and told us he knows what 'the weed' is, that he can smoke when he's an adult. His mother even told us she took him to get his hair cut in a mohawk (he wanted one b/c his uncle's got one) and he 'chickened out'. A mohawk on a 7 hr old - yep, that'll get him in the right group of friends. :( I'm with Chloemichelle - what do I think I can do about it? Not a thing. I'm with you Kasey on the fact that it is as frustrating as anything I've ever dealt with before. I didn't have kids of my own. I want so much to have a positive effect on the grandkids AND the stepkids (I also have a 21 yr old stepson that has caused some issues but not near as many as the 25 yr old!). I keep telling myself to be here for the grandkids and show them a different side and then hope and pray that they turn out differently. I can't keep my husband from spending time with the kids but it is so unpleasant sometimes b/c they don't really talk to me or act like I'm not there. I put up with it b/c I want to spend time with the grandkids. I've been married to him for 10 yrs so I'm somewhere in the middle of where it sounds like you guys are. I don't THINK I have the drug issue to deal with and am very thankful. Keep your chin up and be as positive an influence as is possible for your grandkids. We're the ones that maybe can make all the difference....See Morejustmetoo
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