Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.
LadyCaroline
11 years ago
Featured Answer
Comments (16)
mkroopy
11 years agoDFWmom
11 years agoRelated Discussions
Step-Mother Wedding Etiquette
Comments (30)I decided to redo this since the format got messed up on the above. What I’ve realized being a SM for over 16 years: • As a SM, you will never have a traditional marriage. • Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = Step hell. • Most people will see you literally as the second wife, meaning that BM gets to overrule you any time, any place, over anything. In the US, BM gets to overrule her ex- too. If bio-dad remarries, he is still seen as being owned by and an extension of BM/his -ex. He is incapable of independent thought and just a remarried old fool that BM (and SKs sometimes) still gets to play on. This is the imagine often portrayed in the media and what most people think. • There is very little genuine research that has been done on SPs, and even counselors will lap up unproven "givens" about SPs. For example, the so-called given that SMs hog all of dad's time and won't let him see the kids. For me, and I know for other SMs, since day one, I have nearly begged DH to do more with his kids, and he would definitely have an even lesser relationship with them if it wasn't for me. • More than likely you will get screwed at weddings and other similar family events. Since society sees you as the 2nd submissive wife, with BM in control, everyone will expect BM and DH to hang out together at family events. Yes, BM and DH are parents, but they are NOT a couple. Despite you and DH being married for 20 years, for example, whenever BM is around, pretty much everyone will think and treat BM and DH like a couple. Even after 20 years of marriage, if you try to take your place next to your husband, you will be accused of trying to usurp BM, and “how dare you!!” At these events, SM or step-dad is usually seen as an annoying object in the way, because everyone knows that BM and bio-dad are the REAL couple, despite that fact that their first impulse when laying eyes on each other may be to beat the living crap out of the other. • You will never get anywhere near the kudos you deserve for what you have done for DH’s family and how you have kept it and them all together throughout the years. As a matter of fact, you may even and probably will be punished for your good efforts. • AT the end of the day, try to put up with it the best you can until the SKs are adults, and then if the family still hasn’t figured out that you and DH are a couple and deserve to be treated like a couple 100% of the time, disengage from a family that expects you to continually pay the price for their divorce that happened XYZ years ago and that you had no part in. Just say NO whenever you feel No. Use NO wisely and use it well. You don’t have to go to events where you are treated little better than cattle fodder. The divine family can all hang out together and sort out their own family ills. Granted, they may not miss SM, but they will miss their scapegoat. • YOU on the other hand, love your DH, let him deal alone with the adult SKs (and SGKs) every chance you get, and enjoy yourself! You know you’re married to your DH, and your DH knows that he is married to you....See MoreAdult Daughter of Step-Mother Need Advice
Comments (7)I want to bring up something that no one probably wants to consider, but should be considered, considering it is a reality with the elderly and the handicapped. Note: I am not implying anything...but if she is so resentful of you, and she is cold and indifferent to your sister, how do you think she treats your sister when no one is around? Is you sister able to communicate with you? The small gifts may be given to make your step mother look good in your fathers eyes. They may be to cover guilt. Or they may be perfectly innocent and come with good and kind intentions. I don't know, but consider all possibilities. My guess is that she adores your father, but resents the burden of your sister. And perhaps she is deeply bitter and resents your happy carefree life, while she struggles with the hard reality of caring for a totally dependant person, who is not her own offspring. (It is hard enough when it is your own child/sibling whom you love dearly, let alone when it is the enormous burden of being the caretaker for someone you do not love, but resent. Possibly even despise. She must wish that she was free as you are to enjoy her life and husband as you do with yours, without all of the responsibilities. A marriage with just your dad, able to go out to dinner alone together on a whim, enjoying a social life on a whim with friends, travel, hobbies/interests, and having her home all to herself whenever she wants. That is probably where the resentment and bitterness comes from. Perhaps she feels that you should be the full time caretaker of your beloved sister, (even though that may not be possible right now) and that she wishes that she and your dad had the carefree life of a normal marriage. Even when you are able to care for your sister one day, I would not expect her feelings towards you and your sister to change. As you read the step parent forum, you will find so many who describe their husband as wonderful. They adore their new spouse "BUT" hate his children. This seems to particularly true when the new wife gets pregnant with "their" child. The new wife then wants to push his children out of her "nest", and resents everything about them. (Read the forum). It sounds as if she wishes she had your dad all to herself...only you and your sister do exist, and she resents it. Like so many women on this forum, they are marrying a man that "first belonged" to another family with children. They want to pluck him out of his role as a father, move him to her nest and make him a father to her own children, and push his children further and further away, until she finially has him all to herself...hurting his chilren in the process. This she actually does to the man she professes to love. Anyway, you sound like an incredibly kind and loving person. And forgiving. Understand that her feelings towards you are probably not personal...but instead it sounds as though she is not the kind of woman who is able to embrace another womans children as her own, even if they did not come with the caretaking your sister needs. All you can do is help her and your dad in any way you can. I wish the best for you....See MoreBeing an Adult step mom
Comments (14)justmeto ::: Im going to try and answer some of your comments...His son has gone through this many cars i wasnt trying to be nosey he brought it up so i asked. and the cars that i have seen and have seen his dad purchase are very nice cars..his son likes to blow engines or set them on fire witch he has now been caught or just totalls them.and now that i am married to my husband it is my bussiness. he has 1 adult daughter that works the other to do not.my husband asked me to make that trip because he couldnt and part of having a relationship is working together as a team.I was not trying to replace her mother my husband asked me to clean them rooms for her did i want to know but i did what he asked me to. I have never tryed to take there moms place ever nor will i all i wanted was for them to give me a chace to be the wife i am to my husband. yes i did put out flowers but i did it for the mom and for my husband out od RESPECT did you not read that and yes they should have said thank you but again i guess its all in how you are raised. if i cant make it to my mothers grave and a friend of mine does and she puts flowers on the grave i tell her thank you. its called being polite.i did not run into anything to fast i have a family and still do. but i can tell you if my adult kids ever treated my husband with that much disrespect they would not be allowed to be in my home tell they treated him with that respect. but i can say that my kids have always been very nice to my husband. maybe its because the way they were raised..the things i do for his kids are things he ask me to do if i had my way i wouldnt do a thing for them after the way they have treated me.. they have never even givin me a chance. i wonder why my husbands friends and my husbands decesed wife friends all tell me im the best thing thats happen to my husband since his wife has passed they have known them for over 20 years.. and they also tell me the ladys anyways there is no woman in this town that would put up with all you have.. they see it.. but i tell them i love my husband and want him to be happy.i beleive i did say i didnt have a problem with the photos being there but that it did kinda hurt my heart,, but they are still on the wall and yes he does see them as much as i do. there is also a photo of where she died at above the kitchen table so yes there are alot of her and his things still here i have never asked him to put away his memories nor will i.like i told amber this is my first time on here maybe you should try to be alittle more understanding. sometimes the new step mom or dad really do get a hard time why because the mother or father choose to remarry. and thats all i have done...See MoreWhat is my role as a Step mother.
Comments (9)Your story reminds me of something an old roommate told me years ago. When we had potlucks, she always brought the salad. When she got engaged, she told her fiance that she couldn't cook, wasn't interested in cooking, & that was that. because her mother had taught her, "don't let anybody find out you can cook, or you'll never get out of the kitchen." That was about 20 years ago, & to this day, she makes the salad, & she gets to enjoy all the parties, her own included, because she isn't chained to the kitchen. The more you do for people, the more they expect it & the less grateful they become. It seems that second wives so often find themselves in this position & try to show their supportiveness... & it backfires because in the eyes of their partners & sometimes their partners' exes, their generosity somehow morphs into obligation, & when the day comes that new wife can't do it or puts her foot down & stops doing it, they're offended & resentful. so don't do that. Enjoy the kids, but don't take on the responsibilities that belong to their parents. Even if husband does work long hours, he can make some kind of arrangements with other parents, maybe a carpool co-op or some such. I'm not suggesting that you, or anybody, refuse to help out in a pinch, but put the main burden back where it belongs. & repeat to yourself: Not my circus, not my monkeys. & by monkeys, I don't mean the children, I mean the responsibilities. ps: "Welcome to my world" sounds ungrateful & downright rude. She assumes that her responsibilities are now your responsibilities. I wish you the best....See Morejustmetoo
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